We All Make Mistakes
by cathandsaraforever55
Summary: After a long night Catherine begins to realize things about herself that are unsettling. Will she be able to ask for help from a friend? Will that friend give help? CS if you don't like don't read
1. Chapter 1

Title: We All Make Mistakes  
Pairing: Cath/Sara  
Rated: M (Warning contains femmeslash if that offends you this probably isn't the story for you).  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did things would have taken a turn for the better between Cath and Sara  
Status: WIP  
Summary: After a long night Catherine begins to realize things about herself that are unsettling. Will she be able to ask for help from a friend? Will that friend give help?

**_A/N: Edited version.  
I will be editing this story before I continue with the last few chapters._**

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**Cath's POV**

Rain is pounding down on my car. I am staring at the windshield wipers working overtime in an attempt to clear away the waterfall that has come crashing down out of the sky. Vehicles are speeding by as I sit on the side of the road trying to process what has just happened. There is only one thought that will register in my mind. What am I going to do? I can't sneak home and risk Lindsay, or my mom seeing me like this. My mind refuses to stop racing. I can't control it enough to be rational. All I know is that fear is still rushing through my veins. Disgust lingers in my every movement, and anger is ripping me apart from the inside out.

I have no one to turn to. To talk to. I have pushed everyone away as the years have gone by, and now I'm alone. I have drifted away from my makeshift family. They have all moved on and I have remained to same. Grissom has Sara and Sara has Grissom. Warrick has been married, divorced, and become an addict to prescription pills. Nick and Greg have found new people and moved on in their lives. And me? I'm stuck in my old habits so that I can have someone to fill the empty space in my bed at night. A body to replace the hollowness in my heart that one person has created. The one person I can never have.

So my constant loneliness has led me to this night. A mistake. A big one, might I add. I take a few deep breaths and try to conjure a plan. I can do this. I glance around the car and a picture tucked in the mirror catches my eye. I grab it and stare down at the photo allowing my memories to take over me.

When I come back into reality I realize I have a small smile lingering on my face, and tears welling up in my eyes. But I have figured out what I can do. Now it is all a matter of courage. Courage I know I don't have at the moment.

I start my car and pull back onto the road hoping that continuing to drive will clear my mind…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Half an hour into my drive I realize have no clue where I am, which cannot be a good sign seeing as I have lived in Las Vegas since I was sixteen. From this I can draw one solid conclusion. I am no longer in Vegas. That's great! Just Great! This wasn't my plan and I probably shouldn't be driving at the moment. I don't know if I discovered this fact after I almost ran five people off the road, or if it has to do with the fact I don't remember how I got here. Either way I am a hazard to people's safety. There is nothing I can do about that now. I wasn't going to stick around with Jake any longer. I see light up ahead and pull into a gas station.

When I enter the store a wave of heat immediately washes over me followed closely by the smell of BO. I force the bile back down my throat and turn to the man behind the register. The store is dimly lit and I am not at all surprised by the appearance of the man behind the counter. The guy appears to be in his mid forties he is balding with a beer belly. He is wearing a grungy, what could have been white undershirt, and a pair of loose jeans. I can feel his eyes wandering my body even though I know for a fact that I look like shit. Running my hand through my hair, I am thankful that I had a hood on my sweatshirt, and I can't suppress my wince when my hand brushes over a fragile spot on my scalp. As I approach the counter the scent of BO and stale cigarettes becomes stronger. I attempt to breathe through my mouth like you do with decomp, but it doesn't come as a shock to me when it doesn't work. It never does. Finally a rough voice has made its way through the fog of my mind. "Ma'am?"

I focus my attention on him and observe the worried expression on his face. His features soften when he looks into my eyes. "Yes?"

"Are you okay girl? I called to you a couple of times and you didn't respond. Not to mention the expression on your face and your appearance has stirred up some concern."

"Yeah, yeah… I'm fine. Sorry I didn't hear you. Umm I'm kind of lost. You wouldn't happen to have directions back to Vegas would you?"

"Vegas huh? Why I sure do darling. You want to back track the way you came from for about an hour and a half and it should lead you right back into Vegas. Listen you sure you are okay? Do you want to call someone to come and get you?"

"No, no I'm fine. I just need to clear my head that is all."

"Okay if you say so. Why don't you grab a drink and something to eat? It's on me."

"Okay thanks. I...uh… appreciate it." You know it never ceases to amaze me how the way someone looks can throw you off. I mean tonight for example I meet this okay looking guy at the bar. Dressed in designer close. A big shot casino manager apparently from south Nevada. A town I haven't heard of. He buys me a couple drinks, he was a nice enough guy, and then… I don't think I'm ready to face that yet. I have to make a plan. Well no, I have a plan. I need to work up some courage. I have a long drive back to Vegas to do that. Who am I kidding it won't happen. I will have to let my guard down and ask for help.

I grab a Diet Coke, but don't have the stomach to eat anything right now. I wave to the man behind the counter and thank him again before walking into the storm.

When I get in the car I strip off my sweatshirt which has become more of a second skin. I am shivering uncontrollably so I crank the heat, and turn on the radio to keep me awake.

Sometimes I find it ironic how you will be sitting there and all of a sudden a song will come on that mirrors your life, and your feelings at the moment.

Of course on one of the rather worse nights of my life, which I have tended to have many lately, that type of song comes on the radio. A song that I believe is made just or me.

She sits in her corner  
Singing herself to sleep  
Wrapped in all of the promises  
That no one seems to keep  
She no longer cries to herself  
No tears left to wash away  
Just diaries of empty pages  
Feelings gone astray  
But she will sing

'Til everything burns  
While everyone screams  
Burning their lies  
Burning my dreams  
All of this hate  
And all of this pain  
I'll burn it all down  
As my anger reigns  
'Til everything burns

Ooh, oh

Walking through life unnoticed  
Knowing that no one cares  
Too consumed in their masquerade  
No one sees her there  
And still she sings

'Til everything burns  
While everyone screams  
Burning their lies  
Burning my dreams  
All of this hate  
And all of this pain  
I'll burn it all down  
As my anger reigns

'Til everything burns  
Everything burns  
(Everything burns)  
Everything burns  
Watching it all fade away  
(All fade away)  
Everyone screams  
Everyone screams  
(Watching it all fade away)  
Oooh, ooh  
(While everyone screams)  
Burning down lies  
Burning my dreams  
(All of this hate)  
And all of this pain  
I'll burn it all down  
As my anger reigns  
'Til everything burns  
(Everything burns)  
Watching it all fade away  
(Oooh, ooh)  
(Everything burns)  
Watching it all fade away

Half way through the song I found myself singing along and wondering how people can express themselves so clearly that others can relate. I use my anger and confidence to cover everything, because I can never explain my feelings. I can never acknowledge passion or hurt to anyone. So I hide it deep inside, and then I end up doing stupid things, because I can't tell the person I'm head over heels for that I love them. That I want to spend my life with them. That I want to take away all of their pain, and make up for the years that we've lost. Years full of careful flirting, rare kindness, and anger. Anger and passion directed toward each other. All of their attention focused on me and only me. Leaving me weak at the knees when it is over. But I am too afraid to speak up. Too proud to fix things. I know that I've royally fucked up any chance I have ever had at wining their heart.

I have tried though, to be better. Tried to start over and make things easier. I know the effort is worth it. I've seen glimpses of the real person hiding behind the walls. Ever since the team has gotten back together I have made an effort. It however hasn't been returned, and I can't blame my love after six years of my bitchiness. I will not give up trying though, not now. Even though they are with someone else I cannot dull my emotions. I am dying a little more everyday as I watch unnoticed at what sickens me. Their love. The love I could have had if I hadn't made yet another big mistake. That seems to be all I Catherine Willows can do is make a shitload of mistakes.

I've always said my motto is never doubt; never look back, but right now the hell with that. Every day I am forced to see the products of my past. See the things I could have done better, and I can't help but wonder what if I did this differently? Would I have the love of my life, or would they still be in someone else's arms? Would my father have died knowing that I love him?

The honking of a car horn drags me out of my mind as I almost again run someone off the road. I do get the chance to see the lights of Vegas glowing up ahead. Looking at the clock I discover that it is almost two in the morning. If I turned to someone for help would they even be up? Would they want to see me? Would they be there?

I'm probably the last person anyone would want to see especially, in the state I am in. I've made up my mind though. I have trusted my friends before, and I am going to trust them again. Not to laugh at my weaknesses, and not to divulge my secrets to unwanted ears. I have to try. I have to get my life back. My family back.

Pulling up next to the building I cut the engine and sit there letting the darkness consume me. A few lights are on which is comforting. Hopefully the one I am looking for is too. I'm not certain. I've only been here a couple of times. We have always met somewhere outside of work, but away from home. Anger and fear burn deep inside of me. Bringing out the worst of my insecurities. I need a release. Getting out of the car I slam my fist into the it's door. This isn't enough so I repeat my actions until exhaustion takes over me.

Taking a few deep breaths I attempt to calm myself before heading inside. Hoping the stairs will do more to help me clear my head I slowly walk up five flights. I stand before the door and glance around. Quietly I whisper to myself, "You can do this."

My only problem is I'm great at lying to myself and breaking promises to myself. I promised things wouldn't get this far. That I wouldn't fall so low. That I would fix things tomorrow and the day after that. I told myself I wasn't retreating inside myself, and that I was not in love. These memories of the things I have said to myself cause me to start pacing up and down the hall. How could I do this to myself? My daughter? My friends?

How could I allow myself to become so hollow? Doing the necessary to get through the day, and going out at night to fill the black hole in my heart. One that I know can't be filled. It's occupant cannot be replaced.

This time I will not let myself down. This will be the first step to bringing myself back to life. I will bring some comfort to my aching heart, and I will move on. Finding the next best thing. I will stifle the envy that courses through me. Who am I kidding I can do one of those things, and not for me for Lindsay. I will get myself out of this hole and be a better mother. One that my daughter deserves before it is too late. She is already in high school, and I only have a few years left for her to depend on me.

This thought gives me strength, and I step up to the door and knock. As I hear the locks shifting and the door begins to open I have a moment of doubt, but when I face the person in front of me I no longer care.

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TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- In the process of editing chapters. Sorry for the inconvenice if chapters are missing at the moment. Will be posted soon!**

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**Sara's POV**

A soft knocking pulls me out of a world of castles and magic that lie within the pages of my book. Sitting up I rub my eyes and glance at the clock. Two thirty. Who visits people at two thirty in the morning? Looking down at my attire I am in boxers and a tank top, which will have to do considering the time. I make my way to the door not bothering to glance through the peep hole. When the door is out of the way I am stunned by the person standing in front of me. Not only because of who it is, but because of their appearance. "Catherine?" The normally confident blonde looks shy and unsure of herself. There is a huge gash across her forehead; a combination of blood and rain stream down her face. She has a black bruise on her fragile cheek and a pronounced black eye is still forming. She is soaked and unshed tears have built up in her eyes.

I am snapped out of my trance by her movement, and I catch her saying, "I'm sorry Sara. I shouldn't have come. This was a bad idea…I'll just go."

"Wait no, Catherine." I grab her arm to keep her from leaving and her sleeve slides up. What lays underneath catches my eye. Angry red marks that are rapidly darkening circle her wrist. "Jesus Christ," I whisper not aware that I let anything slip from behind my lips. I gaze back up into Catherine's eyes and I can see her starting to break. A tear trickles down her cheek, and even though I'm not certain why, something in my heart breaks, and I feel nothing but compassion and sorrow for the broken woman standing in front of me. Catherine Willows, but not the Catherine Willows that I know. Something has changed. Something important. "Please Cath come in," I request softly.

Catherine nods and steps inside my apartment. I close the door behind her and place my hand on her lower back to lead her inside. I pull away when she flinches, but she turns to me with sorry eyes, and informs me silently that it is okay. It isn't me that is making her uncomfortable.

She sits on the couch and curls her legs into herself as if to protect something important inside of her. I sit next to Catherine not wanting to be too close and make her more nervous than she is. I wait for her to start speaking, but after ten minutes go by I decide to encourage her a little. "Cat," I think over my next words before I let it come out, "Sweetheart what happened?"

Catherine looks at me as if she just realized I am here. I can't stand to see the light gone from her eyes, but it has. It has been slowly draining for a while, and I didn't stop to ask her if she was okay. If she wanted to talk. Some kind of friend I am. She has been trying to salvage our friendship, and I've been pushing her away. From now on that is going to change. I want to see the old Catherine again even if that means only fleeting glimpses of kindness. I gaze into those dying eyes, and hope to catch a piece of the old woman there, but I see nothing. I move my hand closer to her as an invitation to take it. She glances down at my hand then looks back up at me. I send her an encouraging smile. When she touches my hand I entwine our fingers and rub circles with my thumb over the back of her hand. Her skin is softer than I would have ever guessed. My actions seem to give her some courage because she opens her mouth to speak, but then closes it when nothing comes out. "Cath you can tell me. You know that right? I've never told anyone anything you've confided in me, and this is no different."

She nods and looks away from me. I' m not sure, but I think she might be embarrassed. "I said no," her voice is barely more than a whisper. On the edge and ready to break at any moment.

"What did you say no to Catherine?" I notice her wince when I use her full name. When I think about it the only time I have ever done that is when we are on bad terms. My choice of words probably weren't the best so I try again. "Cat?" A little while ago I picked up on the fact that I'm the only one she lets call her that. I don't know why, but I hope it is our special thing; as friends. One piece of the rare intimate moments that we have when we trust in one another.

I watch her carefully. When I use her nickname her eyes dart away from the floor and find me for a brief moment before returning to their original place. I can't stop a small smile from forming on my lips due to her reaction. It is almost as if when I said that she realized that it is okay, and that I want to help her. Her demeanor softens a little and she moves closer to me. I squeeze her hand and wait for her to be ready. Obviously whatever happened she hasn't been able to face yet. She runs her hand though her soaked, golden hair. "I said no to having sex with him." Wait, hold on. Oh god please don't tell me she was raped. Oh god. She has already had a scare with that about half a year ago. Not for real this time, please no. I saw the marks on her wrists, and not to mention the marks on her face. Please let me be jumping to conclusions.

I decide to let her tell the story and hope for the best that can come out of a situation like this. "Who did you say no to?"

"Jake."

"Jake. Do you know his last name?"

"No. I…I please don't be upset with me Sara. I know what you think about me using my sexuality to get what I want. I don't want you to be more disappointed in me then you already are." With that she breaks. Sobs are racking her body as I take her into my arms, and hold her as close as I can. I rub her back and rock us back and forth. Her warm tears are soaking my shirt. I'm certain my heart just shattered. I'm holding Catherine Willows in my arms. Me. Sara Sidle. The woman I've always seen as strong and confident. Now she is here in my arms at breaking point.

With one more piece of shit guy to carry around in her memories. One more terrifying event in what has been many lately. I see her as stronger now. I see her as human. I see her as Catherine. In her weakest moments is when I've always seen her in a higher light, because she doesn't know how strong she is. It is then that I've realized what I am missing out on. The friendship we could have, and the amazing person I could have it with. I want that to change. It will change. Starting now. Not letting Catherine in has been a huge mistake. A mistake that I am going to let haunt me so when things get hard with her I will keep working at it. Right now is the time to start, but what will happen when she finds out the latest news in the lab? Will we still make it? Will I be able to help her?

Catherine's breathing has slowed, and the tears for now have stopped falling. I don't want to let go of her. I want to stay here in this moment when everything is okay between us. No factors from work interfering. Only me and her. I take a chance and kiss the top of her head. I whisper into her ear, "I'm not disappointed in you Cat. I'm not upset. I promise I won't get mad. Those things I said in anger don't mean anything Cath; it was just a way to get under your skin. I've always admired your strength and confidence. This won't change anything, okay?" She nods her head. She doesn't make a move to leave my arms so I tighten my grip on her slightly. Attempting to reassure her and give her strength. "Please tell me what happened Cat."

She takes a deep rattling breath, and lets it out before starting. "I went to the bar tonight. I wanted a little human contact. It has become a regular habit. I use it to unwind. I meet this guy there, Jake. He was pretty good looking. He had a nice appearance and was kind. I decided that he was the man I would sleep with tonight to…" Catherine's arms snake around my waist and her fingers wrap around my shirt, clinging tightly. I run my fingers through her hair in a soothing motion.

"To what?"

"To…to fill the cold spot in my bed, and empty space in my heart." Her answer squeezes my heart tightly and I have to breathe deeply. I have to stay strong for Catherine. If she sees me break down I doubt she will hold up herself. I rest my head on top of hers in a silent plead that she go on. "We had well, more than a few drinks. We went back to his place, and we started to kiss. When he was teasing my neck I couldn't stop thinking about the one person that could fill the empty space. If I think about it Jake was a male version of the person…" She pauses and I think she is waiting for my response.

"Whoever owns your heart is a lucky woman Cat."

I can't see her face, but I wish I could see the emotion dancing there. "I'm not certain she thinks so. I decided that I didn't want to have emotionless sex tonight, not with him, and not with any other person. So I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. Instead he pinned my arms to the wall while I struggled to get out of his grasp. I kicked between his legs and he doubled over. I was rushing to the door when he caught me. He spun me around and punched me in the eye. I kept struggling, and he nailed me in the forehead with his elbow. I tripped him and was at the door when he grabbed me and smashed me into the wall. He started take off my shirt. He was cursing and reeked of alcohol. He was stupid enough to leave between his legs unguarded again so I brought my knee up as hard as I could. He crumpled to the ground in pain so I forced the door open, and slipped out…"

"Jesus Cath."

"I…I didn't really know what to do. I knew I couldn't risk Lindsay or my mom seeing me like this. So I drove around and ended up getting lost. When I got back to Vegas. I drove some more working up the courage to turn to you. I'm sorry I came so late with all this shit. I should have just gone home."

"No sweetheart I'm glad you came." I can't imagine Catherine going through this all alone, and I'm relieved that she chose to go to somebody instead of a motel or home. I hold her close afraid to let go. Knowing that the new Catherine Willows will return.

I'm trying to figure out what to do when I realize the obvious. "Do you want to take a shower?" She nods, and I point her in the direction of the bathroom before grabbing her a fresh oversized tee, and some boxers. I knock on the door, and I hear a faint come in.

When I open the door Catherine is standing there in her bra and jeans. I'm confronted with more bruises across the porcelain skin on her stomach. I pass her the clothes and grab new towel for her then leave.

I'm sitting on the couch trying to decipher all this new information when the door to the bathroom opens. The smell of coconut and soap consumes my senses. I observe as Catherine comes over to the couch and sits next to me. I smile at her and watch as her eyes move as she takes in her surroundings. She seems to notice something , and I have a feeling I know what it is. She looks at me with sad eyes. Dull blue pools. They used to be so vibrant, so full of life. They were the first thing that caught my eye the day I met Catherine. "Sara?" She asks quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Are you going somewhere?" I gaze at her. She looks so sad, so lost. All I want to do is take her in my arms and tell her I will always be there for her.

"Yeah I am," I can't keep eye contact when I respond. I already know what her expression will look like and it is too painful.

" Are you coming back?"

"I…I don't know Cath."

"What about the lab? What about Grissom?"

"I left a note for Grissom and all the papers I needed to. I think the question you want to ask is what about me?"

"I…I…What about me?" Her tone is so quiet it is barely audible.

I take her hand in mine. I'm not sure what to say so I just let whatever I feel come out. "Cath… I want to fix our friendship, and that is enough for me to come back. I've changed my cell number and email, but I will give them to you as long as you promise to keep them to yourself. I wasn't certain if I would come back to Nevada…"

"You're leaving the state?"

I nod, "But I did rent an apartment on the outskirts of Vegas incase I did decide to. Now I want to, but you have to give me some time. Okay? I'll give you directions and a key to the apartment in case you want or need to escape and have some time to yourself, or with Linzz. Please you have to promise to keep this between us."

"I will. Of course." I glance at her and there are tears trickling down her cheeks. I reach up and gently wipe them away. "Of course I will as long as you promise you will come back…" I have a feeling she wants to say more, but she doesn't.

"I will. I promise." She gives me a weak smile, and we sit there in silence for a while. I hear her stifle a yawn which brings me back into reality. "Come on," I say lightly. I grab her hand, and lead her into my bedroom. I make sure she is comfortable and sit on the edge of the bed watching her.

She glances up at me holding my gaze, and for a second I see the light in her eyes again before it is extinguished. "Sara?"

"Cath?"

"Thank you." I smile at her, and receive a faint smile back. Faint is better than nothing though. Much better. I stand to leave so that she can sleep. When I reach the door I hear her call out, "Sara please don't leave me." I turn back around to face her and she says, "Stay please."

I nod not knowing what to say to the unexpected statement. I crawl under the covers next to her, and she curls into my side draping her arm over my stomach.

Suddenly I realize how tired I am. I haven't slept in days, and Catherine has just provided me with the care and comfort to sleep. Sighing I watch the blonde next to me drift off before letting my own eyes close.

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TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N- Edited version. In re-editing process. Sorry for the inconvience**

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Cath's POV

Sun warming my face, and a warm body underneath me; I haven't slept this well in forever. Wait body? I have to think about it. Finally the memories of the night before come rushing back to me. I turned to Sara, and she was there for me. Oh god I'm draped across Sara!

Opening my eyes they are assaulted by the sun, and I close them again. The least I can do is roll off Sara; she is probably uncomfortable. So that's what I do, and immediately all the warmth in my body vanishes. I can feel Sara turn beside me in the bed. "Cath?" She calls to me; it is almost a purr. The sound makes my heart melt but I can't show it. She doesn't have those kinds of feelings for me and I have to accept it. No matter how much I long to hold Sara in my arms. Have her heart to myself. I can't express that because it will ruin the small friendship we have, that I worked so hard to recreate.

"Yeah Sar?"

"How are you feeling?" She sounds genuinely concerned and I can't stop my heart from skipping a beat. This is the happiest I've felt in a long time. I roll back over to face her and send her a sleepy smile. A small sparkle appears in her eyes, but quickly vanishes.

"Better," I whisper. That is the truth. Spending the night in Sara's arms has helped me forget the horrors I have experienced. However I am not so naive that I believe that as soon as I get out of this bed things won't go back to normal. That I will not fall back into the dark hole I have managed to move up in over the night. Never that naive. When I glance back into her eyes I remember why I started to separate form everyone in the first place, and all the sadness and hopelessness returns. My world rapidly turns back to black and white as reality strikes. I can never have the woman lying next to me. She is unattainable. She has something going on with Grissom, or at least did. I'm not sure where they stand. It doesn't matter though because I can't be with Sara. I go out to fill the space only Sara can, and that is how it will be for the rest of my life. Maybe in time the pain will dull, but I highly doubt that at the moment. I can't blame everything on Sara. No matter how much I want someone to blame, I can't blame all my pain on her or Sam. I have to blame it on myself too. For making those god damn mistakes. I've made so many, and things could have been so different.

Sara seems to have sensed a change in my demeanor, because suddenly warmth envelops my cheek and I realize she is stroking my face. Her touch leaves a tingling trail, and I long for more. I long for what I can never have. Why do I always have to pick the complicated path? Seriously? Why couldn't I have fallen for Warrick, or Nick? Either of them would have taken me in a heartbeat. No, I have to fall for the untouchable Sara Sidle.

She is the only one that pushes me to be my best, and challenges me when I'm at my worst. At the same time she will be there for me whenever I need her, to provide loving support. She has always been there to make me smile, stand up to me when I'm out of line, and put up with my bitchiness. She has always accepted me for who I am, and has tried to be my friend despite everything. Causing me to fall head over heels for the gorgeous brunette.

No matter how close we have gotten though, we have both kept our guard up when being around each other. Even at our lowest points when we turn to each other we have kept walls up. Until last night. Now I know Sara cares about me. She really cares. It is not some coworker caring. It's caring as in friendship. She is willing to come back to rekindle that. The thought gives me a kind of high, but immediately the rational part of my mind pulls me back down. Friendship not relationship.

It occurs to me I have never asked her why she is leaving. I guess now would be the appropriate time while we don't have walls up. As I refocus on the world around me I notice Sara is silently contemplating my behavior. She is watching me with a look that she uses when she is trying to interpret the evidence. A look that has turned me on very much in the past, and happens to now. I'm screwed. "Sara can I ask you something?" My usual confidence in nowhere to be seen, and my voice falters at my last words. If Sara noticed she doesn't let it show.

"Sure Cat. What is it?" My heart flutters at the nickname. I know that it shouldn't, but it does.

"Why… Why are you leaving?" I battle the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. I look directly into her dark brown pools in awe. I have never been able to read this much emotion in them. Sara Sidle has let me in.

"I have to come to terms with some things." I accept her answer not wanting to push her. This is more then I would have gotten out of her before.

"Okay." She appears relieved that I didn't question her more, and I am proud of myself. I am finally on the right track to creating a friendship with her. Finally. A shrill noise pierces through the comfortable silence. I ignore it until I realize who the ring tone is for. "Oh shit!"

I jump out of bed, and hear Sara's voice following closely behind me, "Catherine what's wrong?" I don't answer. I'm too busy trying to find my cell phone. I discover it in the pocket of my pants that I wore the night before. I can hear Sara entering the room behind me as I pick up my phone.

I prepare for a lecture even though it is not the person who I should be getting a lecture from. I answer my phone at the last possible minute. "Hello?"

"Where have you been? I woke up this morning, and I was worried sick because you weren't home yet!"

"What time is it?"

"What time is it? What time is it?" The voice on the other line sounds close to the edge of hysteria. "It's nine in the morning."

"I'm sorry Linzz, I lost track of time." Glancing at Sara I see she is finally fitting the pieces together. She mouths 'sorry,' and I shake my head at her indicating it's not her fault. A thought strikes me. I know why Sara was home she works nights, or used to. To think about it I never thought it was odd that she was home last night. I mean I saw her at work. I need to stop thinking about Sara right now, but that is difficult seeing how she is now standing beside me watching with worry. "Lindsay why are you calling me aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"I have study hall second period. I'm calling you from the bathroom."

"Right."

"You still haven't answered my question. Where are you?"

"At a friend's."

"A guy friend's?"

"No I'm at Sara's. I needed someone to talk to, and I fell asleep here. Listen I'm sorry Linzz."

"You fell asleep after you had sex with Sara. Am I right?"

"Lindsay! You are going to pay for that comment when you get home." I can't refrain myself from watching Sara's expression as I continue my reply. "My sex life is none of your business Lindsay, and even if I did have sex with Sara I would not tell you!" I observe how Sara's eyes widen and she slightly pales.

"Well you two should get it on, maybe you would be in a better mood instead of moping around all the time pining for her."

"I don't even want to know how you came up with that conclusion young lady. We will finish this conversation later."

"You will be there after ballet to pick me up right?"

"Right. Good bye Linzz."

"Bye." Sometimes I wonder where she gets her bluntness from, but then I remember I'm her mother, and that explains it all.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah fine, she is just a little pissed."

"Oh." I turn and take in Sara's appearance. She looks adorable, her hair tussled, and eyes heavy from sleep. "I should probably get going."

"Stay for breakfast." I gaze into her eyes and she adds, "Please." I nod, and a small smile creeps onto her face. She grabs my hand and forces me to sit down at the table. I comply and get the chance to enjoy watching her cook.

I can feel a smile tugging at my lips as Sara quietly sings to herself. I don't think she is aware that she is doing it, but it is cute. She also happens to have a very good voice. I sit here watching her in a trance. Her fluid movements, and the way her tank top hugs her curves and clings to her toned stomach. I'm hopeless and I know it. As she moves toward me it brings me back to reality. She sets what I can only assume is a veggie omelet, seeing how she doesn't eat meat, in front of me. I quietly thank her and dig in.

I glance up at Sara half way through the meal, and catch her staring at me. When she notices my eyes are on her she looks away. I finish eating in silence. I decide not to beat around the bush when it comes to talking about the inevitable. "When are you leaving?"

"Later today."

"Oh. Do you know where you are going?"

"No." I nod my head. I can't manage looking at her right now so I focus on the wall. The amount of loss flowing through me at the moment is indescribable. It squeezes my heart, and douses out the little fire I have left in my soul. That fire created by the ounce of hope I had left. That hope has been extinguished. I will have to be content with a friendship with Sara. I guess that is better than nothing, but it doesn't stop the pain I feel right now. The doubt that I have that she will actually keep her promise, and come back to me. Nobody ever keeps the promises they make to me. I'm not worth it. At least in their eyes. In my eyes now too. Why should Sara be any different? Because I want her to be, and it is as simple as that. I am going to hold onto her promise to get me through the days. If she breaks it then I will fall to the bottom, but I was already on my way there. I hardly sleep for nightmares plague my mind. Nightmares of Sara in the dessert, and Sam being shot. Lindsay being kidnapped, and me being roofied. All of the victims I have seen in the past, and the ones that I will see in the future. That is what haunts me at night. I will never escape all that I have seen, and all I am bound to see.

All I want now is a friend. I know I need help, and for once I have reached out for it. Let's just hope I have asked the right person. I have a feeling I did.

All of a sudden I realize that Sara has moved next to me, and I curse my constant stream of thoughts that hold me captive. I feel her finger brushing over my face. She is wiping away tears. The unshed tears that have built up over years. Besides for last night, the last time I really cried is when Eddie died. I hear that isn't good for you, but I don't give a fuck. I lean into Sara's touch. Again I shouldn't, but I do. I am setting myself up for heartache. Curiosity has blanketed Sara's face. I look away from her knowing I probably sound pathetic, "Are you really coming back?"

Compassion rapidly appears in her features. " Oh sweetheart," she whispers. She pulls me into her embrace, and rubs my back. "Of course I'm coming back Cat. I would never make a promise to you that I do not plan on keeping." I'm not certain if realization has hit her when the words slip out of her lips, but she pushes me away from her so she can look into my eyes. " I'm not like the rest of them Cat," and I believe her.

"Okay," my voice is hoarse and weak. She takes me back into her arms, and I wish I could stay here forever in her loving yet strong embrace. If I could; I would be in heaven.

I pull away not wanting to become too attached. Not wanting to shatter the last piece of my heart. " I have to go." She nods, and I go into the bathroom to get dressed, and freshen up. When I come back out she hands me a piece of paper. I examine it and discover it holds her new number, email, and address with directions. She then hands me a key.

I send her a small smile. "Please Cat, contact me whenever you want, or need to, and feel free to use my place." I don't know what to say or how to react. This is not the Sara I know, it's the one I've been longing to know.

"Thanks."

"No problem." I turn and head to the door. Sara follows behind me, but I'm not certain I have the strength to look at her right now. I need time to process all that is happening. Unfortunately that is what is happening I am getting an unknown amount of time to think about this, and second guess it.

When I reach the door I can't stop myself from turning around, and pulling Sara into a hug. "I'll miss you, I whisper into her ear.

I have to smile when she replies, "I'll miss you too."

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TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

******A/N- Edited version. Nothing major has changed.****

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**

Sara's POV

First two songs:

- Everyone Burns by Ben Moody  
- Dance With the Devil by Breaking Benjamin

That image will always haunt me. I have seen many things. Things that could drive a person insane. Things that have almost driven me insane. For some reason I find this image scarier and more disturbing than all of the others. Now I am sitting on the couch trying to figure out what could cause such a rapid change. This morning I was lying in bed with Catherine. It had been the best night's sleep I have had in a long time. When she turned to me her expression was so carefree, so happy. She was at the height of her beauty I believe. I mean I've always found her gorgeous at work. Perfect make up, perfect hair, perfect clothes. However there is a wall there protecting her from all that we must face on the job, all of the people she must meet, and dare I say, her coworkers. There was a time when we were all close, but people have moved on and drifted away. She comes across as strong, confident, and demanding. Still she is an image of perfection. But this morning even with all the bruises and the gash across her forehead she was breathtaking. Without the makeup, and without the perfectly straight hair, in an oversized tee and boxers she was what words cannot describe. It was the real Catherine. Not the new Catherine though. The old one; without her shields. With a radiating smile, and glowing eyes. She was the Catherine that I have always wanted to know. Suddenly her features changed though. Sadness blanketed her face before her expression went back to stoic. Then there were her eyes. The sparkle dissipated, and they went dull. Almost dead. I will never forget the change I saw this morning. It frightened the hell out of me, because it was not Catherine the fighter lying next to me. Catherine has given up.

I have no clue what is going on with her, and I blame myself like I should. It is my fault I never stopped to talk with her. My fault when lately she has been offering a friendship I have pushed her away. I thought I didn't need Catherine; that she was only making things harder for me. I was wrong. These past months without talking to Catherine have been torture. I buried myself in my relationship with Gil assuming I was happy, and lost touch with the world around me. Last night enforced the fact that I do miss Catherine. That I need her in my life as much as she needs me right now. I really want this friendship. I want to get to know the real Catherine, and I want to let her in. Something about her has always made me want to open up. She has seemed as if she would accept me no matter what she heard, and would give me the right amount of support. Not being friends with Catherine. Not letting her get to know me. That was a mistake, but I'm going to change that. I want this. I need it.

I get up to go into my bedroom raking my mind of ways to keep Catherine occupied while I'm gone. I'll have to think about it. Make it creative. Make it fun. Keep her occupied. Reassure her. That what she needs is reassurance. She has been treated like shit by so many people. She has to know I'm different. That I will keep my word.

However I am distracted when the sun reflects off of something on my bed side table. Moving closer I remember what I placed there. My engagement ring. I have to give it back. Things cannot continue with Gil. He gave me a home, and love; something I have never had before. I loved him, but not the way I should have. It was love. Like a way you would love your brother. Grissom was my mentor and idol, and I did love him, but not the way he deserves. I can never give him all of my heart in the right way, or at all. I have to get the ring back to him. I'll do it before I leave…

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I'm sitting outside of Catherine's house. She wouldn't be able to see me right now if she peered out of her window. I have an hour to get to the airport. I have just come from Grissom's where I left the ring and his spare key on the counter. I get out of my car and cross the road to Catherine's mailbox. I slip an envelope in it and pause. I am tempted to go and say goodbye to her one last time, but I know it would make everything harder for her. For me. I glance up at her house and believe that I see her watching me from the window, but my eyes are probably deceiving me. I trudge back to my car my heart heavier than when I arrived.

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I am waiting to board the plane; cheesy music is ringing through the building mixed with the sounds of the busy gift shops and restaurants. I could really use a coffee right now, but I have decided to wait until I get on the plane.

I attempt to get some sleep but images of Catherine keep flashing into my mind as I am about to doze off. I can't help but think about the woman I am leaving behind in Vegas. When I get back will she be the same? Will she be worse? Will she even be there? Or will she have packed up and left trying to escape her demons dragging her daughter along with her? I long ago attempted the same thing, but it doesn't work. Should I go back? Should I ask her to come with me? I have a plan, but will it be enough?

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Warm air washes over me as I step outside the building. It feels nice to be back. This is not the scorching air of Vegas. There is a breeze and trees and the smell of the ocean. This is far from Vegas. Far from the strip. My cell phone beeps, and I glance at it to discover I have two new messages. There is only one person that it can be, and a smile grazes my lips when I think about her.

I call my voice mail and wait. "Hey Sara it's Catherine…I…I...um was just calling to let you know that I can stop at your place to check the mail and stuff once a week. I guess I should go. I hope you're okay. I'll call you back later."

"Hey Sara it's me again. I can't believe you were at my house before you left and didn't stop in to say bye! Well I guess it is better for both of us… Call me when you get the chance. Bye."

Even though it is great to hear Catherine's voice there was an obvious undertone of sadness there. Not what I wanted to hear.

I get in my rental car, and crank the radio hoping to find something familiar.

Here I stand, helpless and left for dead.

Close your eyes, so many days go by.  
Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right.

I believe in you, I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies.

I won't stay long, in this world so wrong.

Say goodbye, as we dance with the devil tonight.  
Don't you dare look at him in the eye, as we dance with the devil tonight

Trembling, crawling across my skin.  
Feeling your cold dead eyes, stealing the life of mine.

I believe in you, I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies.

I won't last long, in this world so wrong.

Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on.

Goodbye.

That wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I was looking for a distraction from Catherine. A distraction from myself. Still a great song. Just not helpful. Figures.

I get to my hotel room, and decide I should start calling people for favors so that I can pull off my plan. First I need to call Catherine. I can't leave her in the dark. If she calls me then there is no doubt I must call her back. I made a promise that I fully intend to keep.

Maybe she is at work. All I'm getting is ringing on the other end of the line. It makes sense she would be at work. I'll try her cell. I was hoping she would take some time off. But that was wishful thinking. Catherine is almost as stubborn as I am when it comes to work. "Willows."

"Hey."

"Sa…Hey! Can you hold on a sec I need to find a more private place to talk… Gil I'm taking fifteen for coffee." I'm certain someone just punched me in the stomach. Did he tell her that I returned the ring? Does he know yet? Does he have a hunch of who she is talking to? "Sorry about that, room full of people."

"It's okay. So how are you doing?"

"Fine."

"Mmmhmm. Cath how are you feeling?"

"You sound like a shrink."

"Well I have to when I get two sorrow laced voicemails after I get off the plane."

"I...I'm…sorry about that."

"No. I told you to call me whenever. I don't want you hiding your feelings from me."

"Okay. So where are you?"

"I can't tell you that."

"What!?! Why?"

"You will find out sooner or later."

"Okay. I'm taking your word on that."

"Alright. So seriously Cat how are you feeling?"

"For some reason I have a hunch that you already know the answer to that question."

"Maybe I do. So let me add something to it."

"Go head."

"Physically?"

"Shitty. I have a throbbing headache and my eye and cheek are stinging. I did a pretty good job covering everything up though." I can feel the guilt and fear flood me. How many times had I caught my mother trying to cover up the bruises? How many times had I had to myself? Catherine doesn't deserve to go through this. She is so much better of a person then the scumbags she deals with. "Sara?"

"What did you tell them happened?" My voice is quiet, and I am doing a lousy job hiding my anger and sorrow.

"I…I haven't said anything. Nobody's asked."

"What!?!" If I was there I would have rushed to Catherine. Would I have?

"They don't ask, I don't answer. They probably don't want to know."

"Cath…I…" I have no clue how to respond to that. Thankfully the woman on the other line knows how to change the subject.

"So you are okay, and safe right?"

"Yep. That's why I called to let you know I am okay."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Oh and for doing me that favor, you know going to my house to check up on things, thanks."

"My pleasure it will give me something to do."

"Can you do me one more favor?"

"Depends."

"Stay away from guys in bars for awhile."

"Will do."

"Good. Listen sweetheart I have to go. I'll call you later okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. Bye Sar."

"Bye Cath."

"Oh and Sara…"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful."

"I will be."

"Good. When you come back I still want you to be in one piece." I can't help but laugh. Catherine knows how accident prone I am.

"I'll try my hardest."

"Good," and with that she hangs up.

After making my calls I have the urge to take a steaming shower. When I'm done crawl under the covers that I brought. I have processed God knows how many hotel rooms. I lay here staring at the ceiling until I can no longer keep my eyes open. Catherine smiling passes through my mind right before I give into the darkness.

* * *

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**EDITED VERSION. Nothing major changed**

**Catherine's POV**

I haven't heard from Sara since the night she called me to let me know she was alright. It's only been a week so I don't want to seem needy and call her even though I am. Not that I expected much more from her. She has done more already than anyone else ever would. Now I am standing outside her new place full filling her request. An odd one might I add. I only found one part weird. The fact that she asked me to come every Friday. If I think about it the request is sort of rational, because then I will be getting a week's worth of mail for her. It doesn't matter. If Sara asked me to jump through a ring of fire I would.

I empty the box and being the nosy person I am examine every letter. Two happen to catch my eye. For the fact they are both addressed to me. In Sara's writing. I flip them both over and one instructs me to open it first. I run up to her apartment and slam the door behind me.

Plopping down on the couch I rip open the first one.

_Cat,_

_I have to be honest that I have been thinking about you since I left, and I wish I had asked you to come with me, but I had something else in mind, and I still do. I want you to get to know me and maybe I will get the chance to know you better too. You know I am a very private person and not many people know much about me, but I want to give you a chance. Hopefully you will give me one too. ~Sara_

I feel myself frowning I still have no clue what she is up too. Quickly open the next letter and begin to read.

_Cath,_

_I thought I could take you along with me on my trip. Show you the places I am and have been, and then you will get a peek into my life. If you haven't yet figured it out I'm back in San Francisco. Back around where I grew up. Today I visited someone that I haven't seen since I was nine. Part of it was our fault, but the other half we can blame on the foster care._

Foster care…..

_If you look at the picture I sent with this you will see me and my brother James. Well he isn't blood related, but he is no doubt my brother. He was the first person to accept me when I entered the system, and the only person to stick by me through everything back then. I moved to many different houses until I was eighteen. I left the first house a few months after I got there, because no one wanted a problem child like me with a past like mine. After that I never saw James again. Once in a while I would get word of him. Sometimes an email; but fate seemed destine to keep us apart. I found out he was in Frisco for a conference and decided to pay him a visit. Maybe I'll hear from you soon. ~Sara_

I slide the picture out of the envelope and I can't stop the smile from forming on my lips. The first picture is of Sara when she was little. She hasn't changed much at all. She was tall and lanky back then, and still is now. The only obvious differences are her curves. The curves I find myself drooling over quite often. My attention is drawn to her eyes. Those beautiful, brown, sad eyes. The same eyes that were cautiously watching me a little over a week ago. The only way I've ever been able to read the brunette is through her eyes. They are pools of expression even when Sara's facial expression remains indifferent. In the photo her arms are wrapped around a young boy's neck. He is beaming, and one of his front teeth are missing. He has dark brown hair, almost black, with bright green eyes.

The next picture was obviously taken a few days ago. Sara's eyes are swimming with joy. She is smiling her full blown gap-toothed smile that I find so adorable. I haven't seen that lately, and I miss it. Her skin holds a hint of new color, and her arms are wrapped around a handsome man's neck in the same position as years before. I can see the beach in the background. The wind is lifting Sara's hair lightly. I wish I could be there.

Sara has always had a way of making me feel special even when she isn't aware she is doing it. I admit that for a while we never got along, but still then. The little things that she would do for me. The small acts. Those are what made me shine.

I can't however shake the sadness. No matter what. When I'm around Sara, the thought of Sara, or the acts of Sara I cannot rid myself of this plague. No one seems to care. No one gives me a second glance to ask me if I'm okay. Nobody notices what I recently have. I have fallen. I don't have the energy to save myself. The only energy I have stems from the fact that I have to live for Lindsay. That is rarely enough to get me through the day. To tell you the truth I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter, because this is always how I am going to be. This is how I am going to live. Once I would have strived, done anything to ensure my happiness. Now I am empty. My will has left me. So now I will stay captured in this body; being constantly tortured, because I am no longer troubled enough to fix it. Fix life. My life.

I can feel the tears in my eyes. A desperate longing for Sara's arms engulfs me. I want that same comfort I felt the night I turned to Sara. I want Sara. She can satisfy what no one else can. She can make me feel loved without trying. She can pull me into a safe world that is only our own in the embrace of her arms. I shouldn't want this amazing woman, because I know it is not possible to have her heart. No matter how much I tell myself this though, I cannot rid the desire.

I have learned to live without her. To watch her from afar. I remind myself over and over again that I don't need her to be happy. I don't. I don't need anyone. I do not depend on anyone. I can be happy again. It is all up to me.

Still at the same time a part of my mind silently screams that all I am saying is bullshit. My thoughts are more proof of how good I am at lying to myself, and how amazing I am at fooling myself.

Even if I wasn't so fucked up Sara wouldn't want me, and that is a fact I can't deny. I am getting older with each day. Why would she want me when she can have someone years younger? She knows the scumbags I've dated and will continue to date. Why would she want to be with someone who has been with them? Someone who doesn't hold enough respect for themselves to aim higher in the people that she dates.

I have always had the ability to come across of confident, but I am far from. I look upon myself with disdain, and don't expect others to do any differently. I have been used so many times for my body that I have no self esteem, because truthfully I don't feel like I have any more to offer. Even if I had the slightest doubt in that before I don't anymore. I can no longer give away my heart. It has shattered into a million pieces. There is no fun for a man unless he can use me for my body and break my heart to prove that he never cared in the first place.

To be honest I'm tired. Tired of everything. Tired of getting nowhere in any aspect of my life. Tired of being hurt. Most of the time I want to stop going. I want to curl up in a ball and watch life move around me until the end comes.

The phone rings yanking me out of my thoughts. I know there is a limited range of people that could be calling Sara's phone, and who the most likely person would be. I am still shaking with silent tears. I don't want to make her worry so I leave the phone. I need comfort though. I get up and stumble around the place, down the narrow hallway, and enter Sara's room. I am confronted by a daunting world of boxes. I open one and then another until I find what I am looking for. I pull out one of Sara's sweatshirts to fulfill my greedy need. Slipping into it Sara's sent overwhelms me and I feel instant comfort. This is not healthy, and I know it.

I walk back out to the phone. I am letting my tears fall freely causing my vision to blur around the edges. I hit the play button on the answering machine. "Hey Cath I was hoping to catch you. Ummm, but I guess I'm out of luck. I wanted to talk to you. Make sure everything is going okay. I'll um try your house. Call me back if you are at my place and get this… … …bye."

A pang of guilt strikes me. I can clearly hear the worry in Sara's voice. I can't bring myself to call her back. I know I will fuel her worry, and she doesn't deserve that. At the same time I long to string along my hope, but there is also this nagging voice that tells me that I shouldn't. It keeps whispering that I am hurting myself, and eventually I will hurt her. I can't deny it. I have hurt Sara so many times I don't think I can bring myself to do it again. Not now. Everything has changed. I wouldn't be able to bare the pain in her voice, or written on her face. I cannot do it again. Instead I grab the letters she sent me to pull out for later glimpses of happiness. I don't bother to return Sara's sweatshirt. I need it. I need a little piece of her. For some long shot of reassurance that she will come back to me even if it is just to get an article of clothing. I need to remember her smell. I need to remember Sara Sidle. In case she doesn't come back. Why would she come back for me anyway? I'm not worth it.

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I'm in my office. The blinds are drawn and the door closed daring people to enter. After I left Sara's I rushed home to grab my photo album, and then went to the lab. I couldn't stand being in that huge house alone. At least at work there are little noises to distract me from myself. Well some of the time. I place my picture into the scanner as someone knocks on my door. "Yeah?"

I turn as Grissom sticks his head in the door. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." He sits behind my desk observing me.

"Isn't that….never mind."

"What?"

"Your sweatshirt looked familiar, but never mind." Fear floods my veins. I forgot I was still wearing Sara's sweatshirt. Of course Grissom would notice it. It has been so comforting I won't take it off. I just can't get too close to Grissom or he will smell Sara on me. I turn my back to him. Not only worrying about this, but also the fact that tears might still be lingering in my eyes, which renews my need to keep my back to him. I am relieved I took the time to freshen up my makeup to hide the remaining traces of that horrible night. "What are you doing here? Don't you have the day off?" He asks casually.

"Ummm yeah I just had to finish up some things."

"Oh. So what are you working on?"

"Nothing." I chance a glance at Grissom and can tell he is skeptic. "Well I should probably go."

"Okay. Bye." Grissom lingers in the doorway before leaving. Sitting down at my computer I attach a photo to my email and begin typing.

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I left the lab and picked up Lindsay. The car ride was silent which is no surprise. Now we are sitting at the table eating dinner. Well not really. I'm pushing my food around my plate, not able to get Sara out of my head. Lindsay is sitting observing me. I can feel her eyes boring into me. "What?" My tone is harsh, and I regret it as soon as my voice escapes my lips. My response leaves sourness in my mouth.

"Nothing," Lindsay replies. She is just as grumpy.

I know I should stop myself, but I let my words flow out harshly. "Then why are you staring at me?"

"No reason. Why are you acting like such a bitch?"

"Lindsay Willows! Do not use that language around me!"

"I am only stating the truth."

"Know what, I don't need your shit right now. Go to your room."

"Fine." She stomps up the stairs as I berate myself. I overreacted. I can't even keep things from flowing into my family life. As bad as life is right now Lindsay needs to know that she is loved. I can't seem to provide that. I have failed my daughter.

I cannot leave her, or I would go away for a while in an attempt to pull myself together. If I left her now I would only be a worse mother. I let my hand slam into the wall, before walking to Lindsay's room.

I am standing outside the door. For some reason I cannot gather the courage to knock. Finally I manage to, and I am met by silence. I open the door to discover Lindsay sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, and Ipod on. She looks like she is protecting herself from something. I have no doubt what that something is, me. My wrath. My anger. She has to protect her heart from her own mother. A tear runs down my cheek as I perch on the edge of her bed. She glances up at me as she realizes I am here. She slides her headphones down around her neck and gazes at me expectantly.

I feel pressured. She wants me to explain me actions. Her crystal blue eyes reveal that she is worried about me. All I can manage to croak out is, "I'm sorry." She nods her head. She lets me know with her expression that she understands my hesitance, and will accept it for now. She pats the space next to her on the bed; I am the child in the hands of my daughter. I crawl up next to her and wrap my arms around my baby girl. She buries her face in my neck, and we lay there in silence. My pain is temporarily stifled.

* * *

TBC...

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	6. Chapter 6

**A/N- Edited version**

**

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**

Sara's POV

Clear blue eyes sparkling; seeming so carefree and happy. That is the woman I miss. I still can't picture the Catherine Willows I know riding horses. I just checked my email, and couldn't resist looking at the picture first. The teenager standing in front of me on the screen is beside a black horse in tight faded jeans, a loose black tee, and worn cowboy boots. Strawberry blonde hair lifted in the wind. Catherine's striking features are yet to hold the years of worry that now blanket the gorgeous woman's face. Observing the young Catherine I notice for the first time how remarkably alike Catherine and Lindsay look.

I should probably read her letter. I am apprehensive, but at the same time dying to read it. Catherine hasn't returned any of my calls. The last time I talked to her was the night I checked into this place. That was last Friday; it is now Sunday. I can't help but get the feeling that she is, for some unknown reason, avoiding me. I despise email at the moment, because it doesn't allow me to know what I desperately need to. It gives Catherine the privilege of hiding the emotions that she doesn't want me to know. There is obviously more going on in her mind then she is willing to tell me, and all I can do is wait and hope that one day she will eventually open up. On the other hand I am dying to hear from her. For some unexplained reason I have been longing for any communication I can have with Catherine, and now the time has come, and I am indecisive. Figures.

_Sara,_

_Believe it or not I haven't always been a Vegas girl. For the first sixteen years of my life I lived on my family's ranch in Bozeman, Montana. I loved to ride horses. If I still had the time to today I would probably still love it. I don't know if you have ever ridden one, but the sense of freedom is overwhelming. Smoky was the name of my horse. The one in the picture. I used to go for long rides in the woods to escape my demons lingering back at the ranch. When I was sixteen I had my first taste of real freedom, and let me tell you, it wasn't too pleasant. I ran away from home and moved to Seattle with my want- to- be rocker boyfriend. I lived there for a year. The constant rain was depressing, but I quickly learned city life suited me much better than the open spaces back in Montana. However my relationship with Anthony was short lived. We broke up a year later, and I had no place to go except back home. When I got back I discovered home was no longer there. So I made my way down to Vegas figuring it was the most likely place for my family to be. Seeing how my mother was a showgirl before she had me. When I got there I couldn't bring myself to face my mom though. Not after what I had done. So I got a job as a waitress, and then a job as an exotic dancer. The rest you probably already know seeing how much it has circulated around the lab the past seven years you were there._

Catherine Willows a cowgirl; I never would have guessed. I decide to reply this way; I might be able to get through to Catherine.

_Why won't you return my calls Catherine?_

When I finish with everything I have to do I perch on the edge of my bed. My heart is pounding against my chest, and my stomach is doing back flips. I know where I am planning to go, but I don't know if I can go through with it.

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The brick building looming in front of me screams of the insanity locked inside. The faint smell of iron invades my senses followed by the ringing screams of pain intertwined with those of relief. I know who I will find on the other side of the foreboding steel doors. I called ahead to okay the visit, but now I am uncertain that I will be able to enter. Bile is rising in my throat, and his limp dead body repeatedly flashes before my eyes. The sensation of his warm blood trickling down my face and arms is my undoing. I release the door handle from my grip and run behind the tree across the street. I allow my stomach contents to flow out freely. I go back to my car and drive away. I know I'm not ready.

I have a death grip on the steering wheel causing my knuckles to turn white. My phone begins to ring and I'm not certain if this is a great time for me to be talking. Pulling over is probably the best idea right now, but I dismiss the safe thought. With a shaking hand I open my phone, "Catherine?"

"I'm sorry," I immediately notice she sounds upset.

"For what?"

"Ignoring your calls."

"Oh," That detail had completely left my mind. When I answered her call all I wanted was comfort and reassurance. Hearing my own pain filled words, guilt floods me as Catherine takes a breath. She probably believes the emotion in my voice is her fault.

"I'm really sorry Sara. I…I can't explain why I did it."

"It's fine Cat, we will talk about this later."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," which is a complete lie on my part, because she did. More than she will ever know.

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing important."

"I think it is," I can hear the disbelief in her voice, and can clearly picture the expression on her face. She has used it on me many times in the past when she has asked me the same question, and I have given her the same reply.

"I'm not ready to talk about it." Silence follows my comment."Cath?"

"What?" Now hurt is in her voice. That's not what I wanted.

"I'll tell you someday."

"Why not now? I mean what do you have to lose? We are in separate states, and no one is forcing you to come back," Tears. I can hear her crying.

"Cath why are you crying?" I realize that I'm scared. I don't know why she originally called me. Something could be wrong. Vey wrong.

"I…I don't know." To me it sounds as if she just realized that she was crying when I pointed it out. Relief floods me. Catherine is taking deep; rattling breaths in what I assume is an attempt to calm herself.

"Cath what is going on?"

"Nothing."

"Now that is convincing. About as convincing my answer." Catherine chuckles lightly, and a smile spreads across my face.

"Will you ever tell me?"

"What?"

"What is bothering you Sara, or are you just saying eventually to get rid of me. I mean I know I haven't always asked in the best ways before, but I'm trying now."

"I know you are, and yes I will tell you, but not right now."

"Okay."

"So what has been going on in Vegas since I left?"

"Let's see… ummm zilch. Work, work, and more work. You know how it goes."

"I do."

"So what have you been doing in San Francisco?"

"I just," wait a minute, "You are trying to trick me into talking."

"No I'm not," the perfect innocent tone.

"Yes you are, don't lie."

"Okay maybe I am,"Hearing the smile in her voice causes my chest to swell. I can see her radiant smile and hope she is really wearing it.

"I knew it! You are no good at lying."

"Maybe I'm not, but admit it you still love me." I can feel my smile widen.

"Still do." Catherine is unusually silent.

"Catherine?"

"I miss you Sara."

Guilty. I still feel guilty that I didn't ask her to join me. I still feel guilty that I was completely oblivious to what was going on with her, and when she says those words the guilt spreads squeezing my heart with all its might. "I miss you too Cath."

"Good. That's good to hear, that means you're coming back." There is a sharp intake of breath on the other line. I take it she let that slip.

"Of course I am. I promised I would." Okay it is probably not a good thing that I am sitting in my car outside of the hotel, and I don't remember driving here. I was too preoccupied with how good Catherine can make me feel. I have a suspicion that there is more to my feelings then that. There always is, and I don't want to know. At least not now.

I'm standing in the elevator, and neither of us has said anything to break the silence. I know she is still there because I can hear her breathing. She is probably listening to me breath too. Weird how comforting this silence is; knowing that she is still there has an unexplained security. "This elevator music is great."

"Huh?"

"The music in the elevator it is the shittiest stuff I've ever heard."

Catherine quietly laughs, "Oh."

I enter my room, flop down on the bed, and stare up at the ceiling. Catherine is being really quiet today. Maybe not. I'm used to Catherine at work; I don't really know what Catherine is like outside of work except for a few instances. She was always cheery then, but she could have been putting on a show. Maybe she is a quiet person. "Are you always this quiet?"

"When I'm at home yeah I guess."

"Now that is a shock. A quiet Catherine Willows. That is almost as much of a shock as Catherine Willows the cowgirl."

"Is it that hard to picture me outside?"

"At the beach no. That is an easy and very nice image. At a ranch, with horses, yes very."

"I'm not certain I want to hear about what you think I would look like at the beach."

"Okay suit yourself. I'll just keep on imagining it."

"Sara Sidle are you flirting with me?" Mock disbelief coats her words.

"Maybe I am, but that would imply you are flirting back."

"Well that could be a possibility." Another voice fills the background, 'Mom?' "Hold on a sec Sara." 'Yeah Linzz?' 'Where are you?' 'In my room.' 'Have you seen my green tank top?' Lindsay's voice sounds closer. 'It's in the dryer. Why? Where are you going?' 'To the movies with Ashley remember? I told you last night.' 'Oh yeah, right. Okay have fun. I have to get back to Sara she is probably bored to death.'

"Hey I heard that!" I say as loud as possible.

"So?"

"Good I have your attention again. Tell Linzz I said hi, and ask her if she is still having trouble with her math."

"She's having trouble with her math?"

"That's what she said the other day."

"You talked to her?"

"Yep when you were busy not answering the phone, and I also helped her with her math. Now please ask her for me."

"Okay hold on… … she says hi back, and that she is now doing fine thanks to you."

"Good."

"Hey listen I've got to go Nance is here with Jeremy; he is suppose to be crashing here tonight. I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah later. Bye Cath."

"Bye hun." Then she hangs up, and I am left with a goofy smile on my face from the nickname she probably didn't even noticed she used. I'm going to have to give her a hard time about that.

I don't have the energy to move. The thoughts of what I tried to do today have come crashing back down on me and have smothered any strength I once had. So I kick off my shoes, and struggle with the covers until they have engulfed me. Closing my eyes I begin to drift off into what feels like a restless sleep.

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I turn over once again. Three hours have gone by since I first attempted to sleep. Even with my lack of energy I still can't manage it. Flashbacks of that night keep haunting me, sending me into a fit of terror. I caused this. I was stupid. I thought I could handle it, but I can't and I probably never will be able to. I will never be able to face the real horror in my past and put it behind me. I can't make it the past. It hovers over me every day. Constantly reminding me that I am useless. That nobody likes me. That people are using me. Bringing me back down from where I dragged myself from. Darkness. I don't want to go back there, but I can't shake myself of what happened. Even when they are not with me, they are with me. Following me like shadows. Their voices carry in the wind whispering to me what I cannot forget. Who I am.

I thought when I left Vegas it would be better. Less stress. Less pain, but I was wrong. The one hour today I escaped with Catherine was the first time they were completely gone from my mind, and from my soul. I cannot rid myself of the raw memories. I can't. Not alone.

I flick on the light and glance over at the clock. I sit up and lean against the bed post. Closing my eyes I begin to think. Who knows where my thoughts will lead me.

* * *

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

**EDITED VERSION.**

**For disclaimer see chapter 1**

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

"What the fuck Grissom!" Quickly I gather my robe together. I do not need to think that he might be fantasizing about the parts he gets a glimpse of underneath. Running my hand through my hair I walk into the living room and perch on the coffee table in front of him. "Haven't we gone over the fact that you cannot just show up in my living room without making your presence known?" He nods his head. I swear between him and Warrick I should just get used to it. If it is not Grissom showing up at my house needing support and a place to crash so he is not alone; it is Warrick showing up high also needing a place to crash. I don't know what is going on with Warrick. Sooner or later his addiction is going to affect his work. He has been lucky he hasn't run into Grissom here. They are both so unpredictable you never know. "I don't mind having you here Gil. It's just every time you scare the shit out of me." Grissom glances up at me, and his eyes are bloodshot and puffy. The unbreakable Gil Grissom has been crying. No matter how tired I am I cannot bring myself to reject a friend in need. I am sick and tired of helping everyone else, but I cannot tell them no. I have always broadcasted that if anyone from the team needed something they could come to me, and most of the time they take up the offer. I have adopted the role of mother in our family. I love my role, but I have no more energy, and no more will.

I move next to Grissom and gently say, "Gil." He glances over at me and understands my silent offer. He rests his head on my shoulder and I wrap my arms around him pulling him into a safe embrace; effectively keeping the rest of the world away from him. When I get him to talk I know what will be wrong. I don't know how much more of his aching love for Sara I can take. I have enough of my own. I always have to battle to keep my jealousy tame. He had the chance to have what I have always wanted. He was the one rejected it so many times before. I would have willingly taken up Sara's offer the first ten times, and now he comes to me to talk about how he could have had more time with her before she left. Fueling my depression.

This isn't the first time I've seen Gil so broken. It happened with Lady Heather too. I gave him the same comfort last time. Grissom isn't a touchy person, but he has always let me hug him. Some best friend I am. I'm head over heels for his fiancée, ex- fiancée. I don't know what she is.

I am brought out of my thoughts by Grissom's quiet voice. "She gave it back you know."

"What Gil?" I don't need to ask who she is.

"The ring. She left it on the counter of my apartment along with her spare key not last Friday, but the one before." I know it shouldn't, but my heart swells.

"I'm sorry."

"I expected it to happen I just wasn't ready yet. I 'm sorry I scared you; I couldn't be alone though. When I'm at work everything is fine. I'm distracted, but when I'm forced to go home everything comes back."

"I know Gil. Listen why don't you crash in my bed today instead of on the couch. I'm not going back to bed." Not that I was sleeping in the first place. When I go to Sara's tonight to check everything I'm taking Linzz with me. She can watch TV or something while I sleep. Hopefully nobody will find me there that needs help.

Whenever I shut my eyes Liz pops into my mind. She was a teenage girl who was raped and murdered. I had her case on Wednesday. She was the same age as Lindsay. I will never forget the look of permanent horror on her face. Never. Her mom, a single mom; working two jobs to support them. She was so devastated, and all I wanted to do was wrap her in my embrace and tell her how deeply sorry I was. I had to be professional though.

Grissom yawns so I take his hand and lead him into my bedroom. I then shut the door and leave him. I pour the coffee I was making when I discovered Grissom, and go sit on the back porch. Hearing footsteps I walk back into the house and now find Warrick spread out across my couch. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. The only thing I can do for him is get him asleep before Grissom comes back out so that Gris will have no reason to approach him.

"Hey Warrick." He looks back at me heavy eyed.

"Hey Cath." I approach him and the smell of alcohol engulfs me. I sit on the edge of the couch and wait while he watches me. "I love you Cath."

"I love you too Rick." He sits up and next thing I know he is attempting to kiss me. I push him back down onto the couch, and stand up to grab a blanket. I cover him, and note I can still see the affection in his eyes. "You need to sleep this off Warrick." I then leave him and go back to my spot on the porch.

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There are still two sleeping men in my house when I leave to pick up Lindsay. They are both completely out of it. I trust them enough to know they will make sure the door is locked after they leave, or at least to not snoop through my stuff if they decide to stay for a while. I've told them many times that they can stay for as long as they need, and most of the time they do. Probably the most hilarious time is when Greg showed up drunk on my doorstep with a suitcase and stayed for a week. He was the funniest house guest I've ever had. The most shocking is when Hodges showed up once.

Lindsay is waiting outside for me with her friends. I wait impatiently. But I wait all the same. She finally notices me and says goodbye to everyone. We ride in the car in silence until I drive past our street. "Where are we going?"

"Sara's."

"Okay. Why?"

"I need to check her mail for her and water her plants, and I thought we could hang out there for a while."

"Okay."

"Plus Uncle Gil and Uncle Rick are at the house."

"Again? Why couldn't Greg be at the house?"

"I don't know. Maybe you could ask him to visit if you want to see him."

"Maybe." Out of the corner of my eye I see her turn back toward the window.

We enter the building and Lindsay raises her eyebrow as she watches me flip through Sara's mail. "Don't look at me like that."

"I'm not looking at you in a special way." I turn to her and see anticipation is written clearly on her face.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Mmmhmm. Sure."

We go up to Sara's place and I sit on the couch and rip open my letter. I read as Sara describes what it was like going back to the best foster home she was in, and the worst. She doesn't describe what happened in the worst, but I have a feeling it was horrible by the fear she felt. Maybe she will tell me about it one day. Talk to me about the things that constantly haunt her. Things that make her who she is. Make her the woman I love.

I am all of a sudden really tired. Lindsay is busy watching one of Sara's movies she found. I have taken it upon myself to make the place a little homier for Sara. Starting with unpacking the boxes full of living room things. I leave everything in her bedroom to her, but that doesn't stop me from organizing the living room and kitchen.

I grab a blanket and curl up the giant chair Sara obviously uses for reading. I watch whatever Lindsay is until I can feel my eyelids becoming heavier by the second.

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"Mom."

"Mmmm."

"Sara is on the phone."

"Mmmm."

"She wants to talk to you."

"Mmmmm." I reach out a heavy arm for the phone. I crack my eyes open and glance around Sara's apartment before closing my eyes again. I snuggle closer into the chair before bringing the phone to my ear. "Hello?" My voice comes out croaky.

"Hey sleepy head."

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Tired."

"I can tell."

"How are you?" I stretch and pull the blanket tightly around me.

"Bored. It's raining. I can't go to the beach or anything."

"You go to the beach?"

"Yes. I know it's hard to picture, and you will never guess what I do there."

"What? If you say tan I might have a heart attack."

"No. I surf."

"You can surf?"

"Yep."

"Cool. So what have you been up to?"

"Nothing," She sounds guilty.

"You're lying. Just like Lindsay. I don't know what has gotten into you two."

"I am not lying."

"Mmmhmm sure you're not."

"I'm not."

"Okay. I surrender."

"Good." I have to roll my eyes at her.

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After my conversation with Sara, Lindsay and I decide to leave. Hoping that the house will be empty when we get home, but if it's not we'll deal. They are family and we love them no matter what.

The drive home is quiet, and Lindsay races into the house as soon as I pull into the driveway. Walking up to the door I notice a note on it.

I glance at the envelope and something catches my eyes. My name is written on it in Sara's handwriting. I glimpse around, but don't see anyone. I open the note and take out the letter.

_Catherine,_

_You need a break. Lindsay, Greg, and I have worked everything out so you can come visit me. Greg has found someone to take your place for the next month. Lindsay has worked out her schedule for the next two weeks of where she is going to stay before she joins us and I have booked both of your flights to San Francisco. Your plane leaves tomorrow at ten. Knowing Lindsay she is probably waiting for you with her stuff packed. I miss you and I can't wait to see you. I'll meet you at the airport when you arrive. ~Sara._

A full blown smile finds its way onto my face. Another sweet thing Sara has done. She can make me feel so special at times. I can't believe she has done all of this for me. Sometimes I wonder if she is real. I won't get my hopes up though, and believe that there is more behind her actions then friendship. Now I have to think of something I can do for her, but I have no clue what.

I go into the house and discover Greg in the kitchen with a huge grin on his face. "So what did you think?"

"About what?"

"The note on the door."

"That Sara is the sweetest person in the whole world."

"I thought that too, and then had to wonder why she would be doing all this for you Cath. I mean no offence, but you two don't seem to get along very well."

"Things change Greggo."

"I can tell by the look on your face." I playfully swat his arm.

"I don't know what you are talking about. What are you doing here anyway?"

"Doing a favor for Sara."

"So you are the one that delivered the letter."

"That would be me."

"Well thank you. Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"I would love to. You are aware that Grissom is sleeping in your bed right?"

"Still? Wait what were you doing in my room?"

"Nothing. I was on my way to the bathroom, and saw because the door was open."

"Good he hasn't been sleeping all this time, or maybe he has and Warrick opened the door when he was looking for me."

"Warrick was here too?"

"Yeah."

"Geez your popular Cath."

"I should go check on Grissom. Talk with Lindsay, and decide what kind of pizza the two of you want then order it."

"Okay." I go into my bedroom and have to chuckle at the sight of Grissom sprawled out on the bed. I sit next to him and place my hand on his shoulder.

"Gil?"

"Mmmm."

"We're ordering pizza do you want some?"

"Mmmm."

"Okay. Why don't you take a shower in my bathroom while we are waiting? I'm sure you don't want Greg to see you like this." At times like these I wonder if Gil can't make it, can the rest of us? Gris is my best friend, and I have always seen him as sort of a father figure since Sam was never around. He gave me a chance to turn my life around, and I took it. He believed in me, and now when he needs me I will be there for him.

"Alright," he says quietly. "Why is Greg here?"

"He needed someone to talk to. My offer stands with everyone."

"That's nice of you. You know that is why I admire you so much Catherine. You are a people person, and put everyone before yourself." Yes and I am certain that it will be the death of me.

I wait for Grissom to get in the shower, and then I start to pack. It looks like I'm going to San Francisco.

* * *

TBC...


	8. Chapter 8

**EDITED.

* * *

**

Sara's POV

People are beginning to file into the room off the plane. I'm keeping my eye out for a certain blonde. I'm ecstatic to see Catherine. Why? I don't really know, and don't really care; I just want to see Catherine. I catch sight of her before she notices me leaning against the wall watching her. I can't suppress the wide smile that has grown on my face. When her crystal blue eyes lock with mine she sends me a gorgeous smile back.

I watch her glide toward me. She looks tired. Her eyes still faded in color, but she is smiling. That's a start. "Hey," I say unable to keep the excitement out of my voice. Uncertainty flashes across her face and then she pulls me into a hug. Her arms are wrapped tightly around my neck, and I slide my arms around her waist pulling her close.

"Hey hun," she whispers into my ear. If it is possible my grin widens at her words. I wish we could stay like this forever. I have never felt more comforted, and happy then in this moment. She pulls away and I notice the pink tint on her cheeks. I won't say anything, but Catherine blushing is adorable. Adorable… when did I start using loving adjectives associated with Catherine? There was a time when I would have never have guessed I would even like to be around Catherine. So it is an adjustment. One that has to do with me liking to hang out with Catherine. Okay.

Catherine follows me to where she has to pick up her suitcase. She grabs it, but I immediately take it from her. "I got it." A small smile plays at the edges of my lips.

"Thanks." I nod and then we walk out to the car. Our silence on the ride back is content. I guess we still don't really know what to say around each other. The only times we have really talked as friends are limited to a handful of phone calls and a few breakfasts after shift.

When we get into the hotel room Catherine stops to stare at something then chuckles. "What?"

"Are those your sheets and blankets on both beds?"

"Yes. You can't tell me you have never processed a hotel room."

"I have. I just try not to think about it when I stay in one. Smart move… very smart."

"Why thank you, I thought so myself."

"So you've been staying in a room with two beds this whole time?"

"No I switched this morning. I have yet to have any visitors in my lovely makeshift home until today."

"Good to know." Catherine gives me this look, and I can't pinpoint what emotion is in her eyes, but the look itself is mischievous attempting to appear innocent. I rapidly decide I don't want to know. "Have you already claimed a bed?"

"No." She lays down on the one closest to the window with her legs still hanging off the edge. I cross the room setting her suitcase down and lay next to her. Instead of lying on my back like her, I lay on my side using my hand to prop up my head. Catherine turns her head so she is looking at me. I've never been afraid to speak my mind around Catherine before so I don't why I'm so nervous now. Could it be because I am going to say something nice, and I am afraid of what she will think? I'm not sure that is it though, because that would mean I'm showing emotion and Catherine would see it, but I've done that before. Maybe it is the whole nice thing. Who knew a friendship with Catherine would be so complicated already. Only on my half most likely. The thing is everything Catherine and I do is confusing and full of emotion. We both refuse to go half way with things. So with us it is all or nothing. That has cost us. We've both gotten hurt. I don't want to hurt Catherine anymore, and I don't want to have to see the burning anger in her eyes when she hurts me anymore. Our friendship could be stronger than either of us have ever had before, but it could also come crumbling down in an instant. I'm ready to take the risk. I hope Catherine is too.

I've been staring into Catherine's eyes for a while apparently, because Catherine is starting to squirm under my gaze. "What?" Her voice pulls me the rest of the way out of my thoughts. I know what I want to say, but I've never been good at emotional things.

"It's good to see you again."

I'm guessing I did okay, because my words earn me a glowing smile. "It's nice to see you again too."

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Catherine looks so peaceful sleeping. In the fading light of the moon she is angelic. Angelic… there I go again. She looks beautiful. I hate to have to wake her, but I have plans for today, and we can't waste time if the day is going to start out as I want it to.

Last night was relaxing. We hung out around the hotel room, and watched TV, read, and enjoyed each other's presence. We talked about everything and nothing. It was the most fun I've had in forever. Who knew Catherine and I could reach the point of friendship. I never want to go back to the past into times full of hate and jealousy. The jealousy was on my part. I saw Catherine as everything I'm not. Everything I wanted to be. I still believe she is, but I have also learned over the past couple of years that we are alike in more than our tempers. Now that I've seen how nice this can be why would I ever chose to go back? I'm not saying our friendship is going to be easy. We both still have our tempers, strong will, and stubbornness, but we can also like each other, and get along.

I need to rip my eyes away from Catherine's sleeping form or we will never get to go anywhere today. I gently place my hand on Catherine's back. She moves closer to me, but remains sleeping. "Catherine." Nothing. I try a little louder. "Catherine." Still no realization that I'm here. I move my face close to hers so that my lips are almost brushing her cheek. "Catherine, babe."

This time she rolls onto her back, "Mmmmm."

"Come on you've got to get up, and get ready. We have places to be."

She barely opens her eyes, and looks around. I've been up for a while getting things ready. One glance out the window, and her mood changes. "What the fuck!?!" I was anticipating a reaction like this. "Sara it is still dark out! I'm supposed to be on vacation. Why the hell are you waking me up so early!?!" Her voice is quiet and weighted down with sleep, but there is no question whether she is pissed off or not.

"We've got to be out of here by five thirty."

"Huh? What time is it?"

"Four." She groans which causes me to smile.

"Come on sleeping beauty you can rest in the car. Get in the shower." I yank the blankets off her and she curls into a ball. "Stop being so stubborn. You take forever in the bathroom. Don't make me pick you up and put you in there myself."

"I do not take forever in the bathroom."

"Sure you don't. That is why last time I picked you up for work 'cause your car was in the garage I had to wait an extra hour for you to be finished in the bathroom."

"Well if you hadn't insisted on being to work so early you wouldn't have had to wait."

"I told you what time I was going to be there. Now get up."

"No."

"Fine." I pick her up and put her over my shoulder. I start to walk toward the bathroom, but I am having trouble keeping my balance with the amount of squirming Catherine is doing. "Hold still or we will both end up on the floor!"

"Put me down Sara!" She begins to hit my back with her fists, but I can tell she isn't putting her all into it. I smile, because there is a time that she would have, and wouldn't have cared if she was hurting me. "Sara Sidle put me down! NOW! Let me down. Come on Sara! I'll get in the shower please just put me down!"

"If you insist." I set her down softly in the tub, and turn on the water. Ice cold. It comes crashing down on Catherine and she squeals.

"Sara that was not funny! You could have at least put the water on warm," she yells after me between face fulls of water.

I turn so that I am standing in the doorframe, and smile at the sopping wet Catherine. "Oh and Cath make sure you wear your bathing suit under your clothes."

I close the door behind me and hear her shout, "You woke me up at four in the morning to make me go swimming! You are unbelievable Sara Sidle!"

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Catherine comes out of the bathroom an hour later looking a little more awake. She catches sight of me and scowls before grabbing the bagel I am eating out of my hand, and begins to eat it herself. "I would have made you one if you wanted."

"Nope. Yours is just fine thanks."

"You might be pissed at me now, but believe me you will be grateful that I'm doing this later."

"Sure I will." I can't help but smile. She must have caught me out of the corner of her eye, because she turns to me before stating, "It's not funny."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not," her tone hasn't changed but her features have softened into a playful expression.

"Oh trust me it is."

"Is not." Catherine picks up a pillow and chucks it at my head before I can duck.

"Hey! That wasn't nice."

"Sorry," she is sporting an evil grin.

"You are not!"

"You're right, I'm not." I wait until she has finished eating and is not paying attention to me then I throw the pillow back at her. It hits her in the back of the head and she rapidly focuses her attention on me. "You better watch out hun, or I will be forced to retaliate."

"See all you had to do Cath was say you were sorry."

"I did."

"And mean it."

"Oh, well that I can't do. So are we going now?" I glance at the clock and see it is about time to leave.

"Sure."

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I take Catherine's hand and lead her closer to the edge of the water. I spread out a blanket, and sit patting the space beside me. She sits down and pulls her sweatshirt tighter around herself. She curls her knees into herself and rests her head on top of them. I can feel her watching me as I stare out at the ocean. In the corner of my eye I see her shiver as the wind blows. "You can move closer to me. I know from personal experience that sweatshirt isn't the warmest." She glances down at herself, and then back up at me.

"I…"

"It's fine Cat. Plus it looks good on you. Now move closer to me so you won't freeze your ass off. I don't bite." A small smile appears on her face and she creeps closer to me. "I promise."

Once I am satisfied that she is warm enough I turn my attention back out to the horizon. I can see the orange and golden hues beginning to highlight the edges of the sky. I look over at Catherine to find her still watching me. "The sky is a much more beautiful sight than me."

She starts to blush, but when she is watching the horizon I hear her quietly say, "That's not true."

We watch the sunrise in silence every once in a while I chance a look at Catherine, and a few times I have caught her doing the same. When the sun has completely risen Catherine is the first to break the silence," That was beautiful."

"I know. That is why I woke you up at four in the morning."

"I'm not ready to say thank you yet. Maybe with a few more hours of sleep."

"Please feel free. Just don't burn."

"I meant at the hotel."

"I know. I'm going to get my surf board out of the car. When the shop opens we can rent you one if you want to give surfing a try."

"Maybe later. Isn't the water a little cold?"

"Yeah, but I want to get out there before the place gets crowded."

"Okay suit yourself. I think I'll take a nap." I roll my eyes at her, and go to get my surf board.

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The beach is pretty crowded now. Catherine attempted to take a nap I think, but about a half an hour later I turned my attention toward her and found that she was watching me. I just smiled and waved. I've been begging her to come into the water with me, but she refuses. Right now I can see her tanning. She is totally oblivious to the world around her right now. Which gives me an idea.

I quietly sneak up to Catherine and stand so that I will drip water on her. She is wearing an olive green bikini, and she has thrown her hair up into a messy ponytail. She jumps up as I squeeze the water in my hair out on her. "What the hell!"

"Now that you're wet there is no reason you shouldn't come in the water." I take her hand in my free one and lead her toward the clear blue ocean. She follows me until we are waist deep then stops.

"I think I'm good here." I face her and put my surf board in between us. "Oh, no way Sidle! There is no way I am going to get on that thing."

"Please." I put on my best pout and know that I have won the minute her eyes soften.

"Fine."

"You're the best Cat! I promise I won't make you surf unless you want to."

"Okay." She straddles the board in a much more graceful movement than I usually can manage. While she sits on the board I pull her out a little further before getting on myself. I sit so that our knees are touching.

"You okay?" She shrugs, but smiles back. I watch her grip the board a little tighter as a wave approaches. I place my hand on hers, "Don't worry it won't curl underneath, or on us we are out too far." She nods and relaxes a little.

I remove my hand in fear that I am making her uncomfortable. After she has relaxed and is staring out into the ocean I decide it is time for her to go into the water. "Hey Cat?"

"Mmm?" She looks at me and her expression changes to fear as she realizes what I am about to do. She is too late though, because I successfully push her into the water. I am busy laughing when she resurfaces and takes advantage of my lack of attention. Next thing I know I am underwater with my board above me. I deserved it.

I carefully rise to the surface and find Catherine holding her sides laughing. "That wasn't nice Cat," My words only make her laugh harder. I approach her and circle around so that her back is to me. I wrap my arms around her waist effectively silencing her then pull her under with me. I can feel her struggling in my arms and I let go as we rise to the surface. As soon as we are above water she sends a wave of water my way, and it crashes into my face so I do the same back. After a while she stops splashing me and we lock eyes before breaking into fits of laughter. As I watch Catherine I can still see the sad undertone in her eyes, but she is laughing and more and smiling more than I have seen her do in a long time so I take that as an good sign.

After we get back on the board we make a silent truce to not push each other off again. I observe as Catherine watches a wave move beneath us. She glances up at me and says, "You think we could try surfing?"

I'm ecstatic that she is willing to try. Ever since she told me about the sense of freedom she felt riding a horse I knew if she gave it a chance she would love surfing. "Sure let's go get you a board, and maybe some shorts to go over your bathing suit bottom. It's better to be safe than to have your bikini bottom ripped off by the water when you fall."

"Good plan." I feel her eyes wander over my body like they did this morning when I first stripped down to my bathing suit. I self-consciously look down at myself too. I am in a black bikini with black guys bottoms over my own bathing suit bottom. I wish I knew what she is staring at. Catherine catches me looking down at myself and smiles. I give her a questioning look. "I never pictured you as a bikini girl, I am still in shock." I can tell she is restraining herself from saying something more, but I pretend not to notice.

She follows me into the shop and I watch her pick out shorts exactly like mine to go over her suit. I stand with her and point out the boards that would probably be better for her and then she picks one. I go to grab my wallet out of her purse, but she swats my hand away. "You've paid for so much already, and I'm so grateful Sara, but you've got to let me pay for some things too."

"But I'm showing you around Cat. This is a gift to you. I should pay."

"You can still show me around, and I absolutely love the gift, but I refuse to let you pay for everything."

"Fine." I decide that this is not worth an argument. Plus there is no way I am going to win.

After we come back from putting Catherine's purse back in the car we end up racing to the water. I make it first and laugh as Catherine childishly sticks her tongue out at me. "Sore loser."

"You bet." I smile.

I watch the waves trying to determine which ones will be best for Catherine to attempt. I have given her directions the best I could, but she really has to figure this out on her own. The best way it works for her. I pick a wave I feel is suitable. "You ready?"

She nods, "Yeah I think so."

"Okay see that wave there?" I point to the approaching wave.

"Yeah."

"That's the one."

"Okay." She gets ready by doing everything I've told her. I watch her even thought I should be focusing on keeping my balance. She has gotten up pretty well, but I notice her shift her balance and the board flies out from under her. Ouch. I'm thinking about Catherine and then all of a sudden I lose my footing and find myself plunging into the water. I knew I should have been paying more attention to what I was doing. I get up and search with my eyes for Catherine. I find her back on her board at the place we started. If I know Catherine well enough we now won't be leaving until she has perfected surfing.

I get back on my board and paddle out to her. "You okay? Your wipeout looked like it hurt."

She smiles at me. "Yeah perfectly fine. What about you?"

"A little sore."

"I've been watching you all morning, and you didn't wipe out once; what happened?"

"I was busy trying to make sure you were okay."

"How sweet, I am flattered. You should probably pay attention to what you are doing though."

"Probably."

"How's that wave look?"

"Pretty good. You ready?"

"Yep."

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The sun is beginning to set, and I have finally coaxed Catherine out of the water. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. Catherine got the hang of surfing after a few wipe outs and she has refused to get out of the water since. I finally got her to come with me after I mentioned food and she realized that she is starving.

I sit on the blanket and wrap myself in a towel. Catherine sits next to me and grabs the other one. I pass her an apple. I wasn't certain what she liked to eat so I packed a bunch of snacks and figured we'd order room service when we got back. "So was waking up so early worth it?"

She sends me a dirty look for proving her wrong, and then smiles, "Yes. Thanks."

"No problem. I promise we won't wake up so early tomorrow."

"You better promise."

"I do."

"Good." She chucks her apple core then we sit in silence. I hear Catherine stifle a yawn and turn to her.

"Ready to go?" She nods and helps me carry things back to the car.

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Neither of us can move from our beds. After we got home Catherine shower quickly and then I did while we waited for food. After we ate we sank under the covers and haven't moved since. Right now Catherine is watching TV while I alternate between reading my book, and watching South Park.

Catherine's eyes are almost closed and I can tell she is no longer fighting off the sleep like she was before. She finally doses off and I lay watching her sleep. Watching the years disappear from her face. A smile creeps onto my face when I discover this is one of those times when I realize how beautiful Catherine Willows truly is.

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TBC...


	9. Chapter 9

**EDITED. The rest will be up shortly as soon as I finish editing the other 31 chapters**

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**Catherine's POV**

A noise wakes me from my deep sleep. My whole body is sore from surfing yesterday, and I am shocked anything could pierce the thick wall of my dreams. I open my eyes and discover that I am surrounded by darkness. The moonlight is filtering in around the curtains of the window. I hear the noise again. It's a whimper of fear. I quickly look over at Sara and see she is tossing and turning trying to escape the grip of her nightmare. I untangle myself from my blankets and kneel down by Sara's bed. Sara continues to thrash as I call her name. "Sara, sweetheart it's okay." Not getting a positive response I crawl over her and sit on the bed. I drag Sara, thrashing, into my arms and hold her tight. She begins to calm down, and I feel her shift her positions in my lap. Glancing down I am confronted by scared, dark brown pools. I run my hand through her hair trying to convey to Sara that everything is okay, and that I'm not going anywhere.

I let go of her and move so I can sit leaning against the headboard. I pull Sara to me and have her rest her head on my stomach. I have never seen Sara this vulnerable. I have seen the way certain cases get to her, the way things I do get to her, but never have I ever seen something change the strong brunette as much as her dream has.

I would be lying if I said I'm not afraid of Sara's reaction. Think about what it would take to break this woman. She is the strongest person I know. Think of the horror that must be running through her mind at this moment.

I take in Sara's demeanor as I watch my hand run through her soft hair. Her breathing has returned to normal, but I know she's not asleep. Quietly, not to frighten her, I ask, "Do you want to talk about it?" She shakes her head no and I unwillingly accept her answer knowing not to push her. I close my eyes and feel Sara drape an arm over my waist. After ten minutes I know Sara is okay, and reluctantly I decide to go back to my bed so that I don't make Sara any more uncomfortable then I already have. It is obvious that she doesn't usually have people to wake her from her nightmares. With the fear of her exposed vulnerability in her eyes I know that she most likely wishes I wasn't here right now, but then there is the fact that she has snuggled into my side. Maybe she does want me here, or maybe it is just a reflex. Whatever her real need is I don't want to make Sara uneasy.

I remove her arm from around me and begin to slide out from beneath her. I have reached the edge of the bed when Sara's hand curls around my wrist. I look over my shoulder at her and my heart breaks at the desperation written all over her face. "Stay with me," I can't stop the skepticism from appearing on my face as I raise an eyebrow. This can't be the Sara I know. "Please Cat."

"Okay," I whisper. I move toward her and lie down at her side. I don't touch her; instead I wait to see what she wants. To my surprise Sara rests her head on my chest and places her hand across my stomach. I smile and pull the blankets up over us. I don't know what this means, but right now I am too happy to care.

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Sara stirs in my arms and I cautiously open my eyes. Bright light immediately assaults my vision. I close my eyes I'm not ready to get up. I don't want to move from this place yet. With Sara in my arms everything feels right. I'm not ready to face the harsh bite of reality. I glance down at her to find her staring up at me in shock and confusion. Not what I expected. "Morning." My words come out quietly as if afraid to break the silence.

"Morning." Sara still has that expression on her face. She doesn't remember what happened. At least not yet. I observe her and smile when the memories finally process. Her eyes go wide, and then return to normal except for the not so subtle shyness. "Sorry I woke you up."

"Not a problem at all," Hesitantly I ask my next question, "Do you want to talk about your dream?"

"No." I knew that was a bad move before I said it, and my words cost me as Sara rolls out of my arms. I want to reach out and pull her back to me, but that would be an even worse move, because I know the need wouldn't be two sided.

Instead I get up and lock myself in the bathroom. I had to escape before the warming anger deep inside of me could have the chance to boil. I have to accept that Sara is not going to open up to me right away. Somehow I feel like she should, but I can't blame her with the way I've treated her. I haven't exactly been honest with her either. I just have to figure out how to control my anger.

I get in the shower hoping the steaming water will soothe my screaming muscles, and tame my gathering anger.

Maybe my anger is flaring because I am longing for Sara's passion to be directed at me and only me. That could be it. I have to be careful around her. I don't want to mess anything up. I'm not oblivious to how fragile our friendship is. I can see how strong it could be. It could be the strongest friendship I've ever had with someone. Full of emotion and passion so that we are close, but not so close that we would be in a relationship. I don't want to ruin our chance at that.

I can't say for sure whether I want that or not; being that close to Sara. Having her in a way that doesn't allow me to really have her. I don't know if I could deal with that. Deal with my intense longing. I am willing to give it a shot though.

When I get out of the shower I see Sara on the balcony, but I'm not certain I'm ready to face her yet. There is something she isn't telling me, and I can't ignore it forever.

I take a deep breath and decide the longer the silence is allowed to spread the more damage will be done. I take a seat next to Sara and stare out into the sky. I can feel her eyes on me. Probing; trying to get a sense of my emotions.

I focus my attention back on my immediate surroundings. I catch Sara's eye and send her a small smile. "So do you have anything planned for us to do today?"

Sara's posture relaxes and the apprehension in her expression eases. "Not really. I'm really sore from yesterday."

I smile, "Me too."

Smiling Sara replies, "Well if you hadn't decided we were going to surf all day we wouldn't be sore."

"Me! You're the one who started it by teaching me to surf!"

"Oh, so now it's my fault!"

"Yes." I stick my tongue out at her and receive a rewarding smile. I turn back to the clear blue sky and wonder. Wonder what constantly haunts Sara. Wonder if we could ever be more. Wonder where our friendship will lead us. Wonder if we can ever fully open up to each other, and then I wonder about my baby girl. I haven't talked to Lindsay since I dropped her off at Nancy's. With my job I don't get to see her much, but if I don't get the chance to make it home I always call her. Even with only a day gone by it feels like forever. "I'm gonna call Linzz," I say before getting up. Sara nods not tearing her eyes from the balcony view. Stopping beside her I place my hand on top of hers ignoring the pleasant tingling sensation and lean down. I whisper in her ear, "I'm here for you when you're ready to talk."

I want to add, 'and I'm not going anywhere whether you like it or not,' but I have a feeling that is implied in my statement.

I pick up my cell phone and dial the number waiting with anticipation to talk to my baby girl.

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I lay awake waiting. Waiting to hear Sara call out from the clutches of her nightmare. Waiting for her to need me. Waiting to hold her in my arms. I keep hoping she will tell me what is wrong. I keep wishing that she will stop looking at me in fear when she realizes that I am the one comforting her through the night. It hurts. To know that she doesn't trust me, and that she doesn't particularly want me there to help her. I know that I should expect it because Sara is a very private person, but I thought that we've been getting closer. What breaks my heart most of all though is the horror and desperation the images in her mind cause. I can tell when she is thinking about them because she becomes quiet and pale.

I have been woken up by her every night this week. I don't mind at all. I feel privileged that she allows me to see her so exposed and doesn't push me away when she realizes what has happened. I have stopped questioning her about what is going on in her mind to cause such a disturbance. My lack of words however does nothing to stifle my insatiable curiosity.

During the day everything is fine. We have fun. We go shopping, and go for walks. Sara has told me more about her past, about her memories of San Francisco. When I ask about Tamales Bay she closes down though. I have asked her to take me there. Show me around and take me to her favorite places. She tells me it's not worth seeing, but I'm not convinced.

I don't push her as hard as I use to, and I wonder if I did maybe she would tell me more, but that means I would have to numb my reactions to hurting Sara. I would have to stop caring, and that is not something I can do.

With every passing day I am falling more and more in love with Sara. I am cherishing our friendship more than I have any other. In a short amount of time she has become my best friend, and I hope she can say the same.

With everything that Sara is doing I still manage to find time to worry about everyone back home. I don't know how I do it. I have called Greg constantly for updates when Sara is busy doing something, and I have called Warrick, Grissom, and Nick to check up on them. I got here last Saturday, and it is now Sunday. I'm not certain how I've managed it.

I know Sara wants me to be relaxing and I am, but I know if I told her about my worries she would understand.

Lindsay has talked non-stop about coming here and it makes me ecstatic to hear her so happy and excited. I think I'm going to have her talk to Sara next time she calls so that Sara can hear how happy she has made Lindsay. I know it will mean a lot to her to hear how appreciated she is. She doesn't come out and say it, but I know she cares about Lindsay as if my baby was family.

After Eddie's death Sara gave Lindsay her card, and I never attempted to hinder their contact. I have always thought that Sara is a good, strong, stable person for Lindsay to lean on when she can't turn to me. Not to mention at the moment I do not feel strong, and I've never been the most stable person. Plus Lindsay adores Sara.

Sara begins to thrash in her bed removing me from my thoughts. I immediately get in bed with her. I take her in my arms as she struggles to be released. "No. Don't hurt me! No! Please, I promise I'll be good." Sara words cause me to freeze in shock. Who could ever hurt Sara?

"Sara sweetie wake up." I whisper in her ear. I tighten my grip on her, as my own fear for Sara mixes with that of the darkest corners of her mind. "Sara your safe. Sweetie…" Sara's eyes fly open and she bolts up effectively releasing herself from my grip. "Sara?"

I can tell this is different from other nights. I position myself in front of her and gaze into her eyes. She is still a prisoner of her dreams. Her breathing is becoming shallow and rapid, and I realize she is having a panic attack.

"Sara hun it's okay. I'm right here." I rub her back, but she is not showing any signs of coming back soon. I force her down so that her head is in my lap, and I run my hand through her hair. "Sara you need to breathe. Everything is going to be okay just breathe." I don't know what to do; soon enough she will pass out form lack of oxygen if I can't bring her out of her mind, and find a way to calm her down.

I think about Sara's quiet singing when she thinks no one is listening. It's worth a try. I begin to sing to her. I'm not certain what I am singing it is mostly bits and pieces of songs, but it appears to be working.

Her eyes are becoming less distant and her breathing is beginning to steady. After a few minutes Sara is looking up at me. I move up the bed and rest my head on the pillow. I drag Sara with me afraid to let go of her. I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. Sara attempts to get out of my grasp. I glimpse at her and see embarrassment written out clearly on her face. "No," is all I say and she stops struggling. She snuggles into my side, and I hold her as close as possible. There have only been a few times I have ever been this scared in my life.

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When I wake up Sara is pressed up against my back with her arm tightly around me. I lay as still as possible not wanting to wake her, "I'm sorry." Sara's voice breaks the silence causing me to jump.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"No I've been up for a while."

"Did you sleep at all?"

"A couple of hours."

"Oh. Why are you sorry?"

"For last night."

"I… you don't need to be sorry Sara." She is silent and I doubt she believes me.

I wiggle out of her grasp and turn over. I look over her shoulder not able to lock eyes with her. "You scared me," I say quietly. I struggle with the tears that threaten to fall, and the rising lump in my throat.

I keep my gaze focused on the wall behind her trying to think of anything but my feelings last night. Sara starts to rub my cheek with her thumb which forces me to look at her. Her eyes are filled with concern and regret. I take her hand rubbing my cheek and move it away.

I sit up and drag myself out of the bed. Like I did the first morning after Sara had a nightmare I lock myself in the bathroom. This time though I allow my tears to fall. I am no longer able to hold them. I was scared last night. I am still scared. I have never dealt well with fear, and I hardly ever admit it. I slide down the door, and let my sobs take over my body.

A knocking comes from the other side of the door followed by Sara's voice. "Cat please come out." I ignore her. I can't face Sara like this, not again. "Catherine please." I wince. I hate when she uses my full name especially when she has rarely used it in the past week. Instead I get in the shower and attempt to relax.

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I am standing on the inside of the bathroom door trying to gather the courage to face Sara. I don't think this should be so hard, but I am most likely wrong. I take a deep breath and open the door.

Sara it sitting up against the headboard on the bed waiting for me. I turn my attention to the floor. Guilt floods me for ignoring her.

She doesn't say anything to me as she passes me and goes into the bathroom. I hear the shower start, and know all I can do is wait.

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I walk back into the room and notice the bathroom door is open and the light is off. I find Sara on the balcony and hand her the coffee I went to get. I move my chair closer before sitting next to her.

It has been ten minutes and neither of us has said a word. I decide I will break the silence. "Sara?"

"Yeah?" She says quietly.

"Who used to hurt you?" She doesn't say anything. "Listen hun; I'm sorry about earlier. I know it won't change anything, but I'll ask you once again. Please don't be mad with me."

"I'm not." She places her hand over mine, and I link our fingers.

"Okay."

"Come on." Sara stands up and I have no choice but to follow her because she refuses to let go of my hand.

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I am looking out the window of the car. Sara has been silent, and I have been too so that she can have space. When we pass a sign that says 'thank you for visiting San Francisco' my curiosity spikes. "Sara where are we going?"

"Tamales Bay."

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TBC...


	10. Chapter 10

**EDITED VERSION**

Disclaimer and info on chapter 1

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**Sara's POV**

Nervous. That would be an understatement. There are no words to express exactly how I am feeling at this moment in time. As I drive I concentrate on breathing. I do not want to launch into another panic attack and scare the shit out of Catherine. Again. I am going to tell her. I am going to tell Catherine Willows about my past. After eight years of seeing each other day in and day out at work I am going to tell her. I am risking all that we have created over the last week. All of the good things, and the few rare moments back home when we were civil to each other. I am risking it all. As soon as I open up to people and tell them about my family they either run, treat me differently, or look at me differently. Most common; all three. I have to put my faith in Catherine. I have to believe that she is different, and I do. Catherine is an amazing person once you get to know her, not to mention unique. She is so loving, and protective, at the same time she is flirty, cautious, and completely hilarious. She is like no one else, and nothing with her is how I would have expected it to be. She is so different from everyone, and I hope she is the first one from my life after foster care to accept me with all of my baggage. She has become my best friend, and I have to trust her. I do trust her. Now I am attempting to trust that she will continue to be that unique and astounding person that I know after she finds out the type of family I come from.

After all of the nights this week she has put up with me she deserves an explanation, and no matter my fears I want to give her one. I want her to understand, and I know it is a lot to ask but I want to be accepted for all of me not parts of me, but I feel Catherine might be the right person to ask. I have been relieved she hasn't pushed me for information, and given me time to try to sort out my conflicting emotions. Still she has comforted me more than anyone ever has before. That is one thing that I am willing to risk even though I know I will never find the same comfort again if I lose her. Secretly I have enjoyed sleeping in her arms and waking up curled around her. Yet I am not ready to face the complication of my emotions. When it comes to Catherine and me everything seems to be complicated when we could make it so simple.

I catch Catherine scrutinizing me with a worried expression out of the corner of my eye. She knows something big is coming, but I doubt she is expecting what she is about to hear. Will she be able to handle it? Or will I be left alone once again with reopened wounds?

I take her hand in mine. I know she won't pull back. It is a silent agreement that we have made, because holding hands brings both of us a sense of security that we have yet to talk about. It is one of the many steps we have taken in our friendship, and one of my favorites. Catherine's fingers tangle with mine and she begins to rub small circles on the back of my hand with her thumb. Her caress is soothing and I welcomingly accept it.

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After driving for an hour I pull into a gas station. I need to stretch my legs and attempt to walk away my nerves. They renewed their attack on my body as we began to get closer to where I am taking Catherine. Not even Catherine could battle away my fears as the time for the truth started to come closer.

Catherine quietly follows me into the store and then we separate as she heads off to find us coffee. I can feel the clerk's eyes on me and I noticed when we walked in he looked familiar, but I cannot place his face. I move toward the magazine rack next to the ice cream freezer, and try to tune out the world around me, and calm the fears inside my mind.

A hand on my shoulder brings me out of my battle. I don't need to turn around to know who it is. As soon as the contact was incited warmth spread through me. Only one person can do that. Catherine. "Are you okay sweetheart?" She whispers into my ear. I nod my head and attempt to be convincing, but I know I am failing miserably. Catherine notices, but she does not pry any further. She just laces her fingers with mine, and leads me to the counter.

Now that I am standing closer to the clerk his flaming red hair brings it back to me, but before I can say anything he does. "If it isn't Sara Sidle!"

"Hey Bobby." He beams at me. Catherine is looking back and forth between us trying to figure out the connection.

"Well I never thought I would see you around her again girl. After you left that one home I knew you were long gone. Give me a hug sunshine." He walks around the counter and envelops me in a bear hug. When he pulls away he notices Catherine for what seems to be the first time. "Now who is this pretty young lady?" Catherine smiles at him and I am shocked he doesn't seem to melt as I do. As most people do. He walks back around the counter and starts to ring things up as he waits for my answer.

I automatically start with the formal introductions that I am used to from my job, but I want to make Catherine smile again. So I add a little twist of my own. Nothing surprising, just nothing that I have admitted to Catherine. "Bobby this is my best friend Catherine Willows, and Cat this is Bobby Williams."

"Pleasure to meet you darling." Bobby holds out a hand to Catherine. Catherine is beaming at my words and she glances at me as she takes his hand and shakes it.

"Nice to meet you too. So tell me how do you two know each other?" I hope to god Bobby has enough common sense not to go too far, but I doubt his big mouth has changed much since I last talked to him.

"Well you see I used to feel real sorry for this girl I would see on the side of the road walking home every day. She was pretty, and had this air about her, but she always had these sad eyes. They haven't changed since the last time I saw them you know. Sara here had to walk something like three miles home from school everyday 'cause her foster parents at the time were too lazy to get off their asses to pick her up. So I started offering her rides, and we became friends. One night I was at home and I got a call from her. She was crying, said that…"

"I think that is enough Bobby." I knew I should have never let him conduct the story. Catherine doesn't need to know about that stuff yet. We need to start from the beginning. Catherine sends me a curious look, but stops what she was about to say when she sees my face. Instead her hand reclaims mine.

"We have to get going Bobby it was good to see you."

"Likewise love." Catherine beats me to paying so I grab the bag and we leave.

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I park on the side of the road. It is a nice day. The wind is blowing lightly, the sun is out, the sky is blue, and green grass blankets the ground. The weather doesn't comfort me in the slightest. Trees surround the area I want to bring Catherine. I can see her glancing around, but I doubt she has figured out where we are. I wait for her to finish taking in her surroundings and come stand next to me. When she finally makes her way to my side I grab her hand, and lead her up the marble steps into the clearing. We weave our way around gravestones until I find the right one. I sit wrapping one arm around my legs, and rest my head on my knees. I watch Catherine. She is sitting beside me, but she is facing me sitting Indian style using one hand to prop her head her other hand still in my possession. I watch her as she reads the gravestone. When she is finished she turns to me and waits.

I gaze into her loving, crystal blue eyes, and know I can do this. I know Catherine is different. She has shown me in silence that she is not going anywhere. At least not yet.

"My father. I haven't been here since the funeral. I was nine. I didn't think I would ever want to come back, or that I would ever need to. After what my father put me through, after what my mother put me through I thought I was done with this place for good. They always reminded me that I was a mistake. My mother had five miscarriages before me, and I know she never wanted me in the first place. They ran a bed and breakfast. It was run down, and we never had any money. Well we never had any money that I saw. It was spent on my parents booze, and drugs. My father used to use my mother as a punching bag, but a lot of the time she wasn't enough to cool his alcohol induced rage so he turned to me. He used to beat me at least once a night. My mother needed someone to vent her rage on so she turned to me. She was too weak to face my father at times, but she was stronger than her child… I…I spent so many nights in the hospital. I figured everyone did. My parents fought constantly. It wasn't only screaming matches, they had knock down drag out fights as well. I convinced myself to believe that maybe my mother felt the tiniest bit of guilt for letting my father touch me the way he did. She wouldn't only watch him hit me, but she would lie in her bed and listen to my screams for help... I knew that she could hear me. But she left me in my bedroom, and let him… …she let him r…rape me, and didn't do anything about it. After a while I gave up screaming for help, but he continued to do what he wanted with me. I knew she only cared about herself, and that was the reason she would attempt to fight him.

"She always told me how worthless I was. Neither of them ever complemented me. I tried my hardest to make them proud. I told myself if I managed to make them proud enough they would stop the pain a little bit, because they could finally admit that I was their daughter. That didn't happen…

"One night I was in my room attempting to be as quiet as possible, hoping that they would forget about me. My mom came in the room with… with this crazy glint in her eye. I prepared myself for the pain. By then the physical pain was not half as bad as the pain I felt inside. My mom grabbed my hand and led me out into the living room. She shoved me into the corner and went over to my father who was lying on the couch after a long day of drinking. I noticed the television light reflecting off the knife in her hand right before it sunk into my father. I…I remember his blood curdling scream. I watched as she pulled him to the ground and straddled his body. She kept stabbing him over and over. Blood was everywhere. Sometimes I can still feel it the way it soaked my face, and body. I can still hear her shrill laughter. The look on her face still haunts me. It was so desperate, and detached like she was no longer there. I knew at that moment that my mother had gone over the edge and she was never coming back." I look away from Catherine afraid to see her expression. Tears are running down my cheeks. Catherine rubs them away with her thumb, and I hear her move closer to me. She lets go of my hand and fear floods me.

This is it, she is going to tell me she is sorry, but she can't deal with this. Her arm slides around my back, and I feel her lips brush against my cheek.

"You are going to have to do a lot more then tell me your past to scare me away Sara." I face her in disbelief and she smiles at me, and pulls me into her. I relax and let relief fill me as I rest my head on her shoulder. Catherine's arms are wrapped tightly around me, and she has rested her head on top of mine. We sit in silence. I don't know if I should say anything or wait to see if she will give me a sign that she is ready. Her smell is flooding my senses and warming my heart. I am busy trying to decipher the smell that is uniquely Catherine when her voice quietly works its way to my brain. "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"There is more isn't there?"

"More what?"

"More to your past sweetie. More horrible things. More abuse, more… more rape." I nod my head and she squeezes me tightly. I wrap my arms around her waist and lightly rub her back.

I pull away after a few minutes. I look into her eyes and they haven't changed. They don't reveal pity or caution, only love and understanding.

I lie down on the grass; the green blades tickle my exposed arms. I intertwine my fingers with Catherine's and watch her. Catherine's head is resting on her knees her gaze is in my direction, but she doesn't seem to actually be focusing on whatever she is looking at. Her eyes are distant in a place and time no one, but Catherine can see.

I tighten my grip on her hand and she comes back to the present. Glancing at me she sends me a small smile, which I return. "You okay?"

"Yeah," her reply is quiet and not all too convincing.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah hun I am. I was just thinking."

"About what?" I'm not certain I want my question answered after what I have told her, but I want to be there for her too.

"You want the truth?"

"Yes." No.

"I was thinking about how amazing you are." What? Now I'm confused. After all that I told her and she somehow is thinking about how amazing I am? If anyone should be thinking that it should be me. Catherine has accepted me after hearing about my past. She didn't flinch, she didn't turn away, and she didn't act any differently around me. She is the amazing one, the one person who is different. The one who cares. In everything from work to friendship Catherine has always been the one who stands out. Who pushes me, and proves all my theories about people wrong. All of her actions are unexpected; not always welcome, but special. "Sara?"

"Hmmmm?"

"You were spacing out. Did I say something wrong?" Refocusing on her there is fear playing at the edge of her features. Why would she assume that? She is the most astounding person in my life, and she shouldn't have to worry about what she says.

"Of course not Cat. I was shocked that, that is what you were thinking. How…Why…"

"Because of all you've gone through. After everything you have managed to become a sweet and intriguing person." I send her a small smile accompanied by a dark shade of red on my cheeks. She rolls her eyes at me, "I'm going to keep complimenting you Sara so you should get used to it. You don't have to be embarrassed. All of the horrible things people have said to you in the past aren't true, and I think the exact opposite of what they have all said."

I open my mouth to reply, but decide not to. Instead I turn my gaze to the vivid blue sky. It is the same color as Catherine's eyes when she is happy. The only difference is Catherine's eyes sparkle.

When the blue becomes too blinding I turn my attention back to Catherine. She looks unsure of something. Before I can ask her what's wrong she glances at me, and sighs. Whatever her struggle was it is gone as she lays on her side resting her head on my stomach and gazes intently at me.

I move one of my arms behind my head as I smile at her. I allow my fingers wander onto her face to stroke her jaw line. I am confused, but don't say anything when Catherine covers my hand on her face with her own, and moves it away. She gazes into my eyes and I know she can see my confusion even if I refuse to show it. Instead of saying anything she grabs the hand that she moved and tangles our fingers together.

I want to ask her, but I am not certain. I don't want to put too much pressure on her when she has been so kind about everything. I know she won't say no. Lately she hasn't seemed to be able to say no to me even though she has said it many times in the past.

I tried by myself and couldn't do it. I know Catherine will understand, and support me. Or I could be wrong she might say something like, 'are you fucking crazy?'; and pull away from me. It isn't like it is anything awkward. Well it could be. I could ask and find out. Yet again I am a baby when it comes to confrontation. I blink and the blue sky returns to my vision.

My body wins though as my lips start to move before my brain can stop them. "Cat?"

"Mmmmmm?"

"Do you mind if we go to one more place?"

"No," her expression is curious, but she remains silent.

"Only if you are comfortable with it, and if you aren't I want you to be honest with me."

"Okay. Sara it can't be that big of a deal. Where do you want to go?"

"To visit my mother."

* * *

TBC...


	11. Chapter 11

**EDITED.

* * *

**

Catherine's POV

Sara has looked away from me. I sense in fear. She has just asked me to go with her so she can visit her mom. I have no problem with that. Sara needs me, and I will be there for her. I will always be there for her.

I'd rather she not go there alone after what she has told me. It can't be healthy, and I know Sara well enough to know that she will keep everything bottled inside, and use self destructive habits to rid herself of the pain. I don't want that. She has let me in, and I refuse to turn away from her.

As usual it is all or nothing.

I have not let Sara move from our position on the ground. She has attempted to escape, but I have made her lay here with my head resting on her stomach. I'm not going to let her run. I am not going to give her a chance to put her shields back in place.

I gently rub her side hoping to get Sara's attention. Hesitantly she looks at me and I send her a small, encouraging smile. "If you are certain that, that is what you want to do sweetheart, then let's go." Her eyes go wide and disbelief once again blankets her face. I can detect a slight twinkle in her eyes. A smile curling the edge of her lips behind her mask of emotion. One day she will discover that I am not everyone else. That no matter what happens I will not turn away from her. She is too precious to lose, and eventually I will make her realize that.

I push myself off of the ground then turn and grab Sara's hand to pull her up. I hold her hand tightly as we walk back to the car. As soon as I get in my seat I repossess her hand. I know she needs support, and I don't want her to think for a second that she is alone in taking this next step. She has hinted her need by being extra touchy, which I don't mind, but I am having an increasingly harder time fighting off my urges with every touch. I need to be careful.

I watch Sara in silence as she drives. Her expression is stoic because, I suspect, she knows I'm watching. All of her body language alerts me to the fact that she is nervous. Her lips have become a thin line, she has a death grip on my hand and the steering wheel, and she cannot seem to sit still. "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I have to." I nod to her response, and tighten my grip on her hand.

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I watch unsure of what to do. Sara again turns around and begins to walk to the car. I know better than to move since this is the fifth time she has done this. I am certain she will come back to face the building.

It is not a very pleasant place, but then again, I never expected it to be. Not with what it contains locked inside. Who it holds locked inside.

Sara appears in my line of vision. I note tears have built in her eyes and my heart stops. I cannot refrain my instinct to comfort her any longer. I know she wants to, needs to, do this, but I will not let her go about tearing apart her insides alone. This isn't the time for her to do this. Not after she has just forced herself to relive the terror of her childhood so that I could understand. Not after all the fear I am certain she felt at the thought that I would leave her, and never look back after what she told me. One thing I have observed is Sara has dealt with many people. People who don't stand by her side for very long.

As with every one of her other beliefs I am going to defy her rules, and all of her knowledge. So that she will understand that there are people in this world that do care about her. Care about her with all their heart, and that, that feeling is not temporary. There are people out there that are more than willing to love her for everything she is. Sara doesn't have to keep hiding.

When she stops by my side I wrap my arms around her, and she nuzzles her face in my neck. Sara begins to rack with sobs and I hold her as close as possible. Removing her from the world around us. I run my fingers through her hair, and quietly sing in her ear. She is clutching to my back as if I am the only thing holding her up.

She starts to calm down and I kiss the top of her head. "Hun you don't have to do this. Not now. We can come back."

She shakes her head but doesn't lift it. One of her hands slides to my upper back and she moves me even closer. "We have a whole week Sara. Why don't we do this another time?"

She pulls away and looks me in the eyes with her beautiful brown pools. "I need to do this." 'Now.' Sara doesn't have to say anymore. I understand the word she left out, and I understand why she needs to. She has as much courage as she will ever have right now. If she turns her back and leaves it will begin to rapidly seep away and she will never face her mother.

"Okay." I wrap my arms around her neck and embrace her briefly. I brush my lips against her cheek. Then I grab her hand and lead her to the door. I open it and allow Sara to enter first. I follow closely behind her; stepping into an atmosphere thick with insanity.

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I feel like an intruder, but I refuse to leave Sara's side. She is going to have to pry me off of her if she wants to be alone. She hasn't indicated that she would rather be. We are sitting on one side of a tiny table in a small, empty room. "Sara?" I whisper. The silence is frightening, and I don't want to break it.

"Yeah," she answers back with the same volume.

"You don't want me to leave do you?"

"No…" I can sense she wants to say more. "Cat, I…I need you right now. I need you."

"Okay." I can't suppress my smile. She is being so honest with me. I lean over and pull her into a hug as the door opens. I pull away when a guard and a woman who is unmistakably Sara's mother enter. I lace my fingers with Sara's. She has rapidly gone pale at the sight of her mom, and I am worried.

I face the woman opposite of us. She is glaring at her daughter. The exact look I have received many times from Sara. Sara is her mini-me in almost every way. The differences are her mother is shorter, and appears extremely unhealthy. She is in blue scrubs and has handcuffs around her wrists.

"Well, Sara Sidle has finally decided to grace me with her presence." Sara's features tighten, but she says nothing. "I always knew you felt you were too good for me. For your family. After all that I have done for you, and not even one DAMN VISIT!"

"What have you done for me Laura? Huh?"

"What, you can't even force yourself to call me mom? You worthless piece of shit! I stopped him; I ended it."

"For yourself." Sara's grip on my hand is threatening to break it. I use my other hand to rub her arm, and she loosens her hold on my hand. Laura's eyes flicker over to me. She rapidly examines me as if she just realized I am here. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Catherine Willows." I reply attempting not to show my increasing hatred for this woman.

"Ahhhh I get it." She returns her gaze to Sara. "Not only do you believe you are better than me. I've always hated you for that by the way. You have always been worthless, and you have always had to be different. You couldn't stand being compared to me, or your father. Now you are a fucking dyke huh? You had to bring you lesbo girlfriend here to flaunt off how different you pretend to be." Her voice is quiet and violent.

I hide my urge to wince at her offensive language. I have never had tolerance for those who chose to discriminate for meaningless reasons. I want to snap back at her. I can tell Sara does too, but we remain silent.

"What? Have nothing to say to mommy dearest? Did I hit a nerve? By the look that your girlfriend is giving me I'd say did."

"Her name is Catherine. You could at least have the decency to acknowledge the small things. I didn't come here to try to impress you, or flaunt off anything no matter how much you want to believe that." Sara's voice is calm. Too calm.

"Yeah right. Well you know what fuck you. Let me tell you this missy. I've been locked in here for God knows how many years, and I have realized something. No matter how fucking EMBARRASSED you are you will NEVER escape me. Know why?" Laura has stood up and is now leaning over the table so that she is face to face with Sara. "You are exactly like me. No matter how hard you try not to be you are just as bad as you lunatic mother who you can't even look at! Deep down you are everything I am. Everything you despise. It's waiting. You cannot rid yourself of it, and one day it will lash out, and you will never be the same. You will become me. You will slowly begin to wither and die a long painful death knowing that you are everything I am. You cannot hide from me forever, because sooner or later I will become a part of you. NEVER, NEVER WILL YOU ESCAPE DEAR OLD MOM WHO IS LOCKED UP IN THE LUNNY BIN! SO YOU BETTER EXCEPT IT YOU WORTHLESS DYKE!" The guards grab Laura and wrestle her to the ground as she attempts to launch herself at Sara. Sara has left my side and has isolated herself in the corner with horror written all over her face.

As Laura continues to struggle to get to Sara she directs her words to me. "YOU BETTER WATCH HER! YOU BETTER! IF YOU HAVE KIDS DON'T LET HER NEAR THEM! SHE WILL HURT THEM! SHE WILL KILL THEM!" The guards begin to remove her from the room, and have to stop to give her a sedative. She goes limp in their arms and they drag her away.

I turn to Sara who is still in the corner. She is as white as a ghost, hugging herself, and shaking her head violently back in forth in protest to her mother's words.

Cautiously I move toward her not wanting to frighten her any more than she has been already. Her eyes are distant. She doesn't notice me as I approach. Carefully I place my hand on her shoulder. "Sara, sweetie?" She jumps at my touch, but I have managed to bring her back into reality. She glances at me. Her expression is wounded; her eyes are pools of pain. "Oh sweetie." I wrap her in my embrace. She continues to hug herself, but I will not let go. "Let's go back to the hotel."

I let go of her and quickly intertwine our fingers. I drag her along behind me until we are out of the building. I lead her to the car and she tries to get into the driver's seat. I grab the keys out of her pocket. "There is no way I am letting you drive Sara." She shrugs, goes around the car, and gets in.

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My attention has been on Sara the entire drive back. I am probably not the safest person to be driving either. To my shock Sara's quiet voice breaks the silence between us. "She was right." I almost go off the road at her words. Before I cause a fatal accident I decide to pull over. I unbuckle and turn my body in Sara's direction.

I caress her cheek. "Sara please look at me." She doesn't move. "Please." Reluctantly she complies with my wishes. "How can you say that? You are the exact opposite of your mother, and you could never, ever, be remotely close to being anything like her. You are loving, sweet, and kind. You wouldn't hurt a fly Sara, and I know that. Everyone knows that. Take it from me hun, no matter what you believe you could never be the type of person your mother is."

She nods, and looks a little more relaxed. I move so I am sitting on the center console facing Sara. Sara who is looking out the window glances at me and understands my offer. She moves between my legs and rests her head on my on my chest. I drape my arms around her, and rest my head on top of hers.

She will be okay. I know she will.

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I pull into a parking space outside of the hotel. I glance over at Sara who fell asleep shortly after I began driving again. This whole day has drained her of her strength, and I wish I could leave her, but she doesn't look comfortable. "Sara." I whisper. I brush her hair out of her face, and tuck it behind her ear.

"Mmmmm?"

"We're at the hotel. You don't look comfortable Why don't you snuggle into your bed?"

"Mmmmmm."

"Please Sar. I don't think I can carry you."

"Mmmmmm."

"Now Sidle. Don't make me tickle you."

"Mmmmmm."

"I'm being serious." I rest my hand on her side.

"Okay," she answers quickly. She barely opens her eyes, but gets out of the car. She is waiting for me so I get out and walk over to her. She drapes her arm around my shoulders for support and buries her face in my neck.

We walk into the lobby, and I think Sara has gone back to sleep, but her legs are still cooperating so I'm not positive.

I stumble out of the elevator with Sara by my side. I manage to find the right room, and open the door as Sara increases the weight she is allowing me to support. I get her into bed, and turn around to turn off the light. Her arms slip around my waist after I turn off the light, and she pulls me on top of her. I let out a quiet squeal as I fall onto her. "Don't leave me… Please," she whispers. I move off of her and snuggle into her side.

"I won't. I promise."

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The warmth leaves my body. I groan; I had just fallen asleep. I was busy alternating between worrying about Sara, and carefully watching to make sure she wasn't having any nightmares. After three hours of her not showing any signs of fear once we got back to the hotel I decided to rest my eyes. That doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.

I slowly open my eyes, and notice Sara isn't in bed anymore. A breeze reaches me, and I can see her sitting on the balcony. I get up and go into the bathroom unnoticed. My hair is sticking up in every direction so I pull it into a lose ponytail, and quickly brush my teeth to get the foul taste out of my mouth.

I rest my hands on Sara's shoulders and she glances up at me. Even though I am positive she has gotten at least three hours of sleep she looks like she hasn't slept in days. I squeeze her shoulder to regain her attention. Her confused brown pools find me. "How are you doing babe?" She shrugs. I take the seat next to her. "That is a reassuring answer."

I receive a small smile. "I'm better than I was. I was just thinking."

"About what?" I probably know the answer to this, but the question sounded smarter in my head.

"Everything. Mostly how grateful I am that we're friends. I couldn't have done anything I did today without you."

"I think you could have."

"I don't."

"Ahh that's where we disagree. I was happy you let me help."

"Why wouldn't I? You're my best friend." A goofy smile appears on my face. I can't help it. A week ago I was her enemy. Now I'm her best friend. I glance at Sara who is smirking at me.

"What?"

"I was hoping that would make you smile. You hardly ever smile anymore." I don't know what to say. When I think about it she is telling the truth. I focus my attention of the sky. The sun is setting creating hues of purple, red and pink in the sky. They are framing the golden sun.

Sara rests her hand on top of mine. She tangles out fingers. I sigh in content. I could stay like this forever as long as Sara was by my side. "The sunset's beautiful."

"Yeah it is." I get a glimpse of Sara through the corner of my eye. She isn't watching the sunset, she is watching me.

* * *

TBC...


	12. Chapter 12

**EDITED.**

**See chapter 1 for story info**

* * *

**Sara's POV**

"Catherine Willows you have been in there for THREE hours!" I have never seen anyone take this long in the bathroom to make themselves pretty. Then I met Catherine. As far as I'm concerned she now holds the world record for longest time it takes to get ready. "By the time we get there they will be closing!" Catherine asked if we could go dancing. Even though I can't dance, and have stopped drinking I said yes. Catherine wants to go, so we are going.

I'm considering making her go get Lindsay from the airport at eight a.m. alone tomorrow morning since she was the one who decided we needed to go out. Being the considerate friend I am I will go with her, but it is a revengeful and satisfying thought at the moment.

Leaning back against the headboard I close my eyes, and hope I don't fall asleep before Catherine comes out.

I hear the bathroom door open. I sit up straighter still not willing to open my eyes. The bed slightly sinks beside me as Catherine sits down. "Sara."

"Yeah?"

"You ready to go?"

"Sure."

"Are you going to open your eyes?"

"Eventually."

"I'm going to leave without you." I feel Catherine's weight leave the bed.

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

"Coming? Really? I never realized I am that good. " My eyes shoot open at her words.

"Gutter brain," I mutter as I grab her hands so that she will pull me up. Once I'm on my feet I wrap my arms around Catherine, and without hesitating she leans against me sliding her arms around my neck.

"Me! You are the one who took that prospective on my comment," she retorts as she pulls me closer.

"And you didn't mean it that way." I pull away from her and chuckle as she tries to suppress a smile. "That's what I thought." I take in her appearance as she retrieves her coat from the chair.

Catherine looks amazing. She is wearing a silky, blue halter top that hugs her in the right places, and combined with her subtle yet beautiful makeup it makes her crystal blue eyes pop. She has paired her top with tight black jeans. Her heir is pulled back and clipped up with blonde strands cascading around her face. Catherine throws on her black leather jacket to complete the outfit. She is breath taking.

I turn my back to her as I grab my cell phone. When I peer over my shoulder at her to ask her if she has seen my phone I catch her eyeing me approvingly. Her eyes lock with mine and I smirk at her. She turns an adorable shade of red when she realizes she is busted, and she moves so her back is facing me. I notice my cell phone on the mini bar and grab it. I walk up behind Catherine making her jump as I say, "Let's go Cat."

Catherine still seems embarrassed as I drive so she hasn't said anything. I glance at her again and she is still looking out her window lost in thought.

I was flattered by her reaction considering I spent about twenty minutes getting ready. I know I don't look half as good as her, but I do not have the patience to meticulously put on my makeup and fix my hair, like I'm positive Catherine does.

Not to mention shocked. Shocked that someone as gorgeous as Catherine Willows, who could have anyone, would spend even a minute of her time looking at me. With appreciation. That is what shocks me the most. Contrary of what Catherine has taken up telling me once a day to try to get me to except complements; I will always view myself as plain. Nothing compared to the woman sitting next to me. Her natural beauty puts me at a loss for words. Catherine tells me every day that she thinks I'm gorgeous. Ever since the day we visited my father's grave. Sometimes I believe her, but other times I suspect she is saying it only to make me feel better about myself.

I sigh and shift in my seat. Usually the silence between us is comfortable, but right now it is awkward. I catch a glimpse of Catherine out of the corner of my eye. The red has finally disappeared from her cheeks. "If it makes you feel any better Cat, I was relieved you didn't catch me frozen over your appearance." She doesn't say anything, but visibly relaxes.

"Well like I say Sara, you are gorgeous." This time I believe she means it.

"I think you have mistaken who you are talking about babe." She gazes at me causing my blush to darken.

"One of these days Sidle. One of these days, I will get you to accept my complements."

"You can try." I smile at her. A sparkle briefly appears in her eyes before it vanishes. I had her carefree and happy for a few days, but then something happened. I am constantly racking my brain for what as every day Catherine's eyes dim a little more. Altering back into the state of hopelessness her eyes have held for so long.

What happened?

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We make our way up to the bar. My hand is resting on Catherine's lower back so I don't lose her in the crowd.

The bartender makes his way over to us and his eyes are instantly on Catherine. "What can I get you darling?"

Catherine sends him one her radiating smiles. It's not real, but apart from Catherine I am certain I am the only one that can tell.

The music is vibrating through me as it blares out of the speakers. Catherine's warm breath tickling my ear indicates I need to attempt to decipher what she has to say to me. I send her a puzzled look and she leans closer. I can barely make out her ask, "What do you want to drink?"

I slide my arm so that I have a grip on her waist. I move her closer to me. She probably assumes my actions are so we can hear each other better, but I don't like the way the bartender is eyeing Catherine. I am hoping he will make assumptions and back off. I move my lips to Catherine's ear and reply, "Water."

She moves her head back and I can make out a shocked expression as the lights flash. I smile at her and she leans in again. "Water? Sara Sidle, the same person that managed to consume more alcohol than Warrick the last time we went out. Are you sure you don't want a beer?" As I turn my head to answer her, my lips brush against her cheek. I am instantly worried that I have accidently stepped over the line with Catherine, but then I realize she has not been shy in giving me friendly kisses lately. I glimpse at Catherine, and find a small smile playing at her lips. One I have the feeling, I was not supposed to see.

I find Catherine's ear with the faint light behind the bar. "I don't drink anymore; that was ages ago." Catherine leans into the bar remaining in my grip.

I watch her lips as she orders. I manage to read her lips, "Make that two waters please." The man nods and reaches under the bar then passes Catherine two bottles. I shove my money in the bartender's hand before Catherine can pay.

Catherine hands me my water and rolls her eyes at me to express her feelings toward my paying. I lean in and yell so she can hear me. "Just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean you can't!" Catherine ignores my comment, either that, or she didn't hear me, but I'm certain she did, because when she felt me lean into her she moved further into my side so she could hear.

Catherine grabs my hand and leads me to two free stools at the end of the bar. She swirls so that she is facing me and I copy her action. I observe as Catherine tilts her head back to take a gulp of her water as her eyes skim the dance floor at the same time.

Catherine focuses her attention back on me and sends me a small smile. She slides closer to the edge of her seat, and I turn so she can yell into my ear. "Am I going to be able to persuade you to dance with me tonight?"

"Not now," I yell back. Before she can begin to pester me I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to find a tall, young, handsome brunette man standing behind me. I wait expectantly for what I know is coming. He bends so that his mouth is level with my ear. "Do you mind if I steal your friend for a while?"

I shrug and reply, "If it is okay with her." That didn't take long at all. I watch the man move to Catherine and ask her to dance. She turns her attention to me. She is wearing a questioning look. I give her an encouraging smile, and use my head to point toward the dance floor. She says something to the man, and he grabs her hand dragging her out into the crowd. She glances back at me before disappearing into the crowd. Her eyes full of fear.

She wanted a dance partner, but she wanted me. Not some random guy. I should have thought about her last experience at a club with a man. Fuck! How could I be so stupid?

I get up and mesh into the crowd moving in the general direction Catherine did. I wander around until I find people with their heads turned watching. I have no doubt who their eyes are glued to. Catherine has an air on the dance floor that commands attention. The same as everywhere else. Onlookers start to return to dancing. I move closer to Catherine to where I know she will eventually spot me. A woman begins to grind against me so I begin to move with her. Not certain of what I am doing I move with the other woman's body. I am too busy to care how clueless I look. All of my thoughts are on Catherine.

She turns my way and I catch her eye. I wink and watch relief seep into her features. She sends me a small smile and refocuses on her dancing.

I continue to watch Catherine out of the corner of my eye, but I have shifted most of my attention to the woman rubbing against me. I place my hands on her waist as she turns so her back is facing me and her fingers are linked behind my neck.

She is a gorgeous redhead. Her green eyes catch mine and probe deeply; searching for something I can't see. I have had always had a preference for women, but have dated a fare share of men too. I've never labeled myself as anything. I've never felt it mattered.

I pull her closer to me. I move so I can talk to her. "I'm Sara."

"Charlotte. Nice to meet you." I smile at her.

"Likewise." I notice Catherine watching me. If I'm not mistaken she is showing some jealousy. This is why I am lead to believe that I am imagining things.

After two songs, and anxiously watching the hand on Catherine's back inch further down it finally reaches its destination. I see Catherine's stiffen, and attempt to pull away when the man leans in to kiss her. Her protest does not seem to stop his efforts as he continues to try and kiss her. I squeeze Charlotte's hip to get her attention. "I have to go save a friend from an overfriendly asshole. He is about to get his balls ripped off and lodged down his throat if he doesn't get his hands off of her soon. Thanks for dance." I move away from her, but she grabs my wrist.

I turn and she shoves her number in my hand and winks at me before disappearing. I smile and tuck the number in my pocket.

I approach Catherine who is still fighting off kisses from the drunken man. I slide my arm around her waist, and pull her into me. "Is there a problem here baby?" Catherine is gazing at me with grateful eyes.

"A little," she replies. I move her behind me and send the guy a death glare. One that inspires fear even in cold blooded murders. I usually save it for the interrogation room. His eyes go wide. "Hey asshole I said you could dance with my girlfriend not try to get into her pants!"

"I..."

"Save it for someone else." I take Catherine's hand and lead her away from the guy. Once I am sure he is gone I face Catherine. She is pale, and shaking. I see her fighting back tears. "Hey." She glances at me with distant eyes. I wrap my arms around her, and she rests her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let him dance with you Cat. I wasn't thinking."

She shakes her head and pulls me closer. "It's not your fault I have a talent for attracting scumbag men."

"Do you still want to dance with me?" Catherine pulls away and flashes me a gorgeous smile."I'll take that as a yes. I will forewarn you I have no clue what I am doing."

"You looked like you did when you were dancing with that redhead."

"Well I didn't"

"You'll be fine. It's not that hard." I roll my eyes at her and she giggles.

Catherine drapes her arms over my shoulders and begins to sway her hips. I mimic her movements. As time passes it becomes easier as I get used to the way Catherine moves her body. She uses fluid graceful movements. Nothing I can do.

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A loud beeping penetrates my dream and I groan. I can hear Catherine doing the same in her bed. I roll over and slam the snooze button. It is too early to be getting up. But we have to pick up Lindsay. Last night was fun. I haven't had the amount of fun I'm having with Catherine since…well I don't remember.

The bathroom door shuts and the water turns on. I know Catherine is anxious to see Lindsay. She has called Linzz at least once a day for the past two weeks. It is obvious how much she loves her daughter even if Lindsay has confided in me before that she worries her mom doesn't love her at times. That's not possible though. Lindsay is Catherine's life. All I can do is reassure Lindsay that Catherine loves Linzz with all of her heart, and even though she is not around a lot she is trying her hardest to give Lindsay everything she wants.

What Lindsay wants though is to spend time with her mother.

That is what I am hoping to give her. I love Linzz like a daughter. I would do anything to help her. Since her father died we have become very close. At times I was shocked that Catherine didn't try to stop our friendship. I have never been good around kids, but Linzz is different. I treat her like an adult so she acts like one. Well almost. She is more like Greg. She has an amazingly fun side to her, and then she has her serious side. You should see the two of them together it is hilarious.

I can't wait to see Linzz. I just would rather not get out of bed. I roll over on my side and shut my eyes again. I am going to rest my eyes as I wait for the shower.

The smell of Catherine's shampoo fills my senses. She lays on her side behind me, and snakes her arm around my waist. She places her head on my upper arm. Wetness soaks through my shirt from her hair. I run my fingers down her arm and tangle our fingers. "You have to get up hun. We have to go get Linzz." I smile. I can hear the anticipation in her voice.

"I wouldn't have a problem getting up if you hadn't dragged me along when you went dancing."

"So you're telling me you didn't have fun?"

"No I did, but I'm tired."

"Aww poor baby. Get your butt up I want to see my baby girl!"

"I'm going, I'm going." I mumble.

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Catherine is tapping her fingers against her thigh as she waits impatiently for Lindsay's plane to land. I take her hand in mine in an attempt to calm her. She uses her other hand to tap her fingers though. I smirk at her actions. "She'll be here soon Cat."

Catherine glances over at me as if she just noticed I'm here. "I know."

"Do you want coffee? I want coffee. There is a Starbucks in here somewhere. Let's go find it."

"I think I'll stay here."

"We have fifteen minutes." Her nails are now rapping against the metal armrest of her seat. I grab her arm and pull her along behind me.

Catherine is less fidgety now that she has a coffee to occupy her hands. A woman announces that Lindsay's plane has landed, and Catherine leaves me to rush back to the gate. I laugh to myself and follow her.

When I finally catch up with Catherine I stand next to her and watch her eyes search the crowd for Lindsay.

Catherine and I spot her at the same time she does us. Lindsay crosses the room and is enveloped in her mother's embrace. Both Willows women are wearing huge smiles. When Lindsay is done greeting Catherine she moves to me.

I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head. "Hey kiddo. It's been too long."

* * *

TBC...


	13. Chapter 13

**EDITED VERSION**

* * *

Catherine's POV

The sun warms my body as I lie on the beach. I haven't slept in three days despite all of the activities Lindsay has talked Sara and I into doing. All I want is to curl up in bed with Sara like we used to do before Lindsay came. Silently we agreed we didn't want to give her the wrong ideas, and the contact stopped. An occasional hand on the arm but nothing more. No hugs, no holding hands, and definitely no snuggling at night. I sigh. I can't even sleep during the day.

Last I knew Linzz and Sara were in the water. Sara was teaching Lindsay how to surf. Sara is so sweet. No matter how hard I try to stop myself I end up falling for Sara a little more every day. Sara doesn't seem affected by the lack of contact, but my guilty pleasure is gone. Touching Sara without getting in trouble. Secretly showing my love for Sara without scaring her away.

I can hear quiet giggling, but my eyelids are too heavy to open. Next thing I know I am squirming under Sara and Lindsay's touches as they tickle me. Figures, Lindsay would inform Sara that I am extremely ticklish. "Stop! Stop please!" My sides hurt from laughing.

I open my eyes. Somehow Sara has ended up straddling my waist. She sends me a beaming smile and I return it. We are interrupted by Lindsay clearing her throat.

I turn my attention to my daughter. "I am going to get you back for that. Don't think this is over Lindsay Willows."

"Oh I'm so scared! My mom is going to get revenge on me," her tone full of sarcasm.

"I have a feeling you should be scared Linzz." Sara is giggling at Lindsay's expression.

"Sure I should be."

"You should be."

"Hey don't I get a say in this?" I immediately regret entering the conversation, because Sara realizes she is still straddling me. She moves off of me with crimson burning on her cheeks. She turns away from us for a minute and when she faces us again the red is gone.

She glances at me and I send her a shy smile. "Mom you should come out in the water with us!" I face Lindsay. Excitement is drawn out in her expression.

"A little later Linzz I'm exhausted."

"Okay." I note the disappointment in her voice. She glances at Sara. I know Sara heard it too. Now I feel like an ass.

"Give me five minutes hun."

"Okay!" I have never seen Lindsay this excited about spending time with me. She is a teenager, she isn't supposed to be this excited is she? Yet I'm never around to see her get this excited about spending time together. Maybe my mother's right. Maybe I neglect Linzz. No! No! I can't let her words get to me.

"Don't worry Linzz I'll get her there sooner!" Sara says with a valiant air to her voice, which causes me to laugh. At the same time the wink Sara gives Lindsay makes me nervous.

Suddenly Sara throws me over her shoulder and I have a very nice view of her backside. "Sara Sidle put me down!" I can hear Lindsay laughing at us. "Sara I thought we covered this already. PUT ME DOWN! How come every time you do this I end up in cold water? I know that's where I'm going. Put me down!" Sara is now having trouble walking as she breaks down laughing. "How come I'm the only one who does not find this fu…"

I hear the splash as cold water surrounds me. I stand up bringing myself out of the underwater world. I swirl; my eyes searching for Sara. I can taste the salt on my lips. I lock eyes with Sara who is standing on the shore next to Lindsay. I walk up to them. I observe Sara getting ready to back up. I smile at her as nervousness flashes in her eyes. "Hey Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time you want me to check out your ass put on a pair of tight jeans and walk in front of me it will be just as effective. Trust me. Bonus there will be no ice cold water." Her jaw drops at my words. If Lindsay wasn't here she probably would have a witty remark to strike back with.

Lindsay looks torn between barfing and chuckling at my comment. She glances at Sara whose eyes are still on me then joins me in the water. Lindsay grabs my hand and to pulls me out further. I wink at Sara before turning away and following my daughter.

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I roll over again. I can't sleep. After being at the beach all day I still can't sleep. Lindsay is sound asleep to my right. I sit up resting my back against the headboard. I glance at Sara who appears to be passed out too. Maybe if I snuggled with Sara for a couple hours, and then went back to my own bed I could sleep. Nobody would know. Sara and Lindsay are both dead to the world.

I pull back my covers and quietly walk over to Sara's bed. I crawl under the covers, and move closer to Sara. I turn to look at Sara and jump. Her eyes are open and she is watching me. She smiles. "Sorry," she whispers. "Are you okay Cat?"

"Yeah." That didn't even sound convincing to me. " I thought you were sleeping."

"So you were going to sneak into bed with me while I was sleeping?" She is smirking. My heart is melting. "I was listening to you toss and turn like I have for the past three nights. I've been worried, but I figured you wouldn't want comfort with Linzz around."

I nod. I find my place on Sara's shoulder near her neck. If I wanted to my lips could reach her neck. They have before, but only for a quick peck. I wish they could linger on Sara's tender skin. Sara wraps her arms around me. "Can I stay here for a little while?" I ask nervously.

"I'd like that." I drape my arm over Sara's stomach. Feeling her muscles flex as she moves.

We have been lying in silence for the past five minutes. Sara is running her hands through my hair. "Cat?"

"Yeah?"

"It seems like something…never mind." I lift my head and gaze into her eyes.

"What?"

"Is something bothering you?"

"Why would you say that?"

"It's just… I don't know. "

"Nothing I can't handle Sar." I cannot tell her what is wrong. Why would she wonder that? Was I less subtle than I thought? So many things are bothering me, but at the same time I can't explain them. I can't even begin to understand half the things that haunt my mind.

I snuggle further into Sara. I can feel my eyelids getting heavy. I know I should get up and go in my own bed. I don't have the energy or the incentive to move.

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I open my eyes and the sun blinds me. I let out a groan and cautiously open my eyes again. The TV is on, and the clock alerts me that it is eleven. I haven't slept in past nine in forever. I turn and burry my face into Sara's chest tucking my head under her chin. She has her arms wrapped around my waist, and pulls me closer when she feels me stir.

My brain kicks in and I realize if Sara's not up watching TV that means Lindsay is. Which means Lindsay has seen me and Sara like this.

That wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't want to confuse Lindsay, or mislead her, but now I probably have. All because I could bring myself to move out of Sara's arms.

I lift my head and peak over Sara's shoulder. Lindsay notices me and a bright smile appears on her face. She sends me a thumbs up and turns back to her show. Great now she thinks Sara and I are _involved_. I would definitely like to be involved with Sara, but the likelihood that, that would happen is in the negative numbers.

I attempt to wiggle out of Sara's embrace, but that only causes her to tighten her grip on me. She lets out the same groan I did when I first opened my eyes. Not being able to escape I have reburied myself in Sara's chest. I move my head back so I can look at her. She sleepily smiles down at me.

I smile back at her. After a minute I can see the light bulb go off in Sara's head. She turns her head and sees Lindsay watching TV. She focuses back on me and quickly lets go of me while mouthing, "Sorry".

I squeeze her hand and get up.

I turn on the shower and step into the hot water needing to clear my mind.

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We are sitting in the food court of the mall with around fifty bags from two different stores. I think one is Sara's the rest belong to Lindsay and I. I've been trying to get Sara to buy something different from what she usually wears. It hasn't happened yet, but it will. "So Sara I was thinking and I really liked the red dress I had you…"

"No."

I take a sip of my Diet Coke and smile at her. "Please."

"No."

Lindsay sits at the table after getting another drink. "I think I've figured out the perfect place for Sara to try on clothes." She devilishly smiles at Sara. Sara glances at me and I put on the same smile.

"Oh no! Not you too Linzz. I think your mother has possessed your brain. That is the only way to explain it. I mean you two are wearing identical smiles and you look even more like her at the moment. Lindsay come back to me!" She shakes Lindsay lightly causing both of us to laugh.

"Come on Sara! You have looked amazing in almost everything you have tried on. Right mom?"

Sara turns her attention to me as amusement plays on her face. "Yeah Cat. What did you think?" I am positive I look like a deer caught in headlights. I feel like a deer caught in headlights.

I turn my attention to my plate trying to hide my intense blush. "I thought you looked gorgeous." I always tell Sara is gorgeous, but for some reason this seems different. I catch a glimpse of Sara and she is wearing a blush to match mine.

Lindsay on the other hand is beaming, and then it dawns on me. She set us up. She wanted to put us in an awkward situation. Why? I have no clue. Probably payback for not telling her about our "relationship." She knew as long as she was here any loving words or friendly flirting between Sara and I would be uncomfortable for us. She used that knowledge against us and knew exactly what she was doing! I have to remember she learned from me so it should be expected. I have always used my knowledge of the same exact thing against my mom and Sam and even with Sara and Grissom…once or twice.

I know it's horrible, but I liked to watch Grissom squirm uncomfortably. Plus Sara's blushing was a bonus. She is adorable when she blushes.

No matter how many times I tell Lindsay that Sara and I are only friends she doesn't believe me. She rolls her eyes and tells me she saw the look in our eyes and then walks away.

What look? I think she is seeing things. Maybe I should take her to get her eyes checked when we get back to Vegas. I understand that she saw something in my eyes, because I have no doubt something was there. But Sara? Lindsay's delusional.

"You two are too cute." My head shoots up and Sara's does the same. I glare at Lindsay while Sara looks at her with a puzzled expression. Lindsay glances back and forth between me and Sara. I think it finally dons on her and she says, "Oh." She gazes at me apologetically. I know she has come to the conclusion that Sara and I really aren't in a relationship. Friendship yes. Relationship no. A part of me wants to forgive Lindsay and does. I believe that if she hadn't thought Sara and I are together she wouldn't have tried so hard to embarrass us knowing that we would forgive her. Maybe even laugh with her. But the other part of me knows she is my daughter and she probably would have anyway, because that is what I would have done in her position.

Sara still seems to be in the dark about what is going on. She doesn't receive any answers from Lindsay's expressions so she turns to me. I give her a small smile, and turn my attention back to my food. When it comes to my feelings for her the less Sara knows the better.

Lindsay knows now. I have a feeling she has suspected it for a while, but now her suspicions are confirmed. Now she has something new to torture me about. At the moment all I see in her eyes is pity. She understands the situation.

That's my girl. Wise beyond her years.

The experiences that have led her to that wisdom though are my fault. They weren't good experiences, and I couldn't protect her. I never can. I am never there.

I sigh. Sara looks at me. Hidden worry in her eyes. She knows there is something wrong. She has always known there is something wrong.

That's part of the reason I love Sara.

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Sara steps out of the dressing room. Lindsay and I are sitting waiting. We have convinced her to try on a few armfuls of outfits. My jaw drops; she looks stunning. I smile at her. I turn to Lindsay. "So what do you think?"

"It's definitely two thumbs up."

"I agree. You should get it Sara." She glances at herself in the mirror. I spot her expression in her expression. Disgust. I don't think it is the outfit, because the colors are dark. Her usual. I can see the problem now though. It is a combination of low self esteem and body issues. How Sara can have issues with her body is beyond me. She has a great body; a perfect body. "I'll even buy it for you." She shakes her head and goes back into the dressing room.

Sara has been a really good sport about letting us dress her up, and I have a feeling she is secretly enjoying it. Maybe.

I glance down at my watch. Sara has been in there for ten minutes. "Sara you done yet?"

"Like hell you are getting me to come out in this Catherine!"

I focus on Lindsay. She looks just as puzzled as I feel. "Why? Sara it can't be that bad."

"You're not the one looking at it looking at it. I am not coming out!" Her voice hints that she is upset. I frown. I move up to the door and put my hand against it.

"Hey Sara will you let me in?"

"No."

"I promise I won't laugh if the outfit is ridiculous."

"No." Stubborn.

I quickly glimpse around the room. We are the only ones in here at the moment. I focus my attention on Lindsay. She has stood up. I can tell she heard the emotion in Sara's voice too. I point to her and then under the door. She nods.

Lindsay gets down and crawls under the door. I hear a click as the door opens and I am face to face with my daughter. "Thank you sweetie." She moves to the side and I move in past her. I turn so my back is facing Sara. "Could you give us a couple of minutes?"

"Sure. I'm gonna go look for that top I wanted in a different size."

"Okay." I close the door behind Lindsay and lock it. "I hope you didn't believe you were going to get away that easily Sidle."

I turn to Sara. She is sitting on the bench looking slightly defeated. "The outfit looks amazing. Are you going to tell me what this is really about?"

She gazes down at the ground. I place my hand on my hip. "You are going to make me guess aren't you?" She is doing everything possible to avoid me. I sigh and walk over to her. I separated her linked fingers that are resting on her legs and sit on her lap. I wrap my arms around her neck. She is still attempting to avoid me. "Hey." Nothing. "Please look at me Sara." I place two fingers under her chin and lightly lift her head. Our eyes met and I can see it. Insecurity.

How could I be so selfish? Sara has been helping me with my insecurities, and I have never stopped to think she might be having insecurities of her own. I have to blame some of it on that damn tough girl act. "I'm fine Cat."

"I don't believe you Sara. I think I know what is wrong." Curiousness flashes in her eyes. "I mean it you know? I mean it every time I tell you, you are gorgeous Sara."

She puts on a disbelieving look, "Yeah right."

"Sara Sidle! You are amazingly beautiful and you are the only one who doesn't see it! Maybe you never will, but you have to trust me when I tell you that you are beautiful. I'm an expert on beautiful women Sara. I was a stripper. I worked with striking women every night. You however, you are by far one of the best looking women I've ever seen." A deep red blush covers her checks. "Now there's that blush I love."

"Thanks."

"No problem, but now you have a dilemma." I stand up and straighten out my clothes. Sara copies my actions and glances at the huge pile of clothes beside her.

"And what is that?"

"I am now permanently glued to your side while we are in this dressing room. I am not making my daughter crawl under the door to get to you again." I give her a smile and she returns it with a shy one of her own.

A devilish smile then replaces her shy one as Sara says, "I have no problem with that."

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TBC...


	14. Chapter 14

**EDITED VERSION (TECHNICALLY RE-EDITED)

* * *

**

Sara's POV

"Who's Charlotte?"

"Huh?" I gaze over my shoulder at Lindsay. She is holding up a business card looking a little pissed off. "A woman I met at the bar a couple of weeks ago."

"You going to call her back?"

"I don't know." I glance at Catherine. She is getting ready for dinner. Since it is their last night in San Francisco I decided to take them out. Even though Catherine has continued to get ready I can tell that she is focusing on our conversation. For some reason I feel guilty that I even have that number. It is almost like I am betraying Catherine after all we have gone through. The thing is we are only friends. So I shouldn't feel guilty, or should I?

"I don't think you should. I bet she's a slut. There are better people for you."

"Lindsay you don't even know her, and neither do I. You shouldn't make assumptions."

"I bet she is. You could do much better."

"What is it with you and my love life all of a sudden? Do you do this to your mom too?"

"Nope. I've stopped trying to comment on her dates." Now I know Catherine is really focused. She hasn't called Lindsay out on her rudeness once. I wonder what she is thinking about.

"If it upsets you that much I won't. Cath you almost ready to go?" I get no reply. "Cat?"

"Lindsay Willows don't you dare talk about people like that!" I smile and look at Lindsay who is giggling too.

"That was a little delayed babe." She glares at me. I send Catherine a huge grin and watch as her features melt and a smile appears on her face.

Normally I would wrap her in a hug, but ever since the day we woke up in bed together with Lindsay here we've decided that we would go back to rarely showing affection. Catherine doesn't want to confuse Lindsay. I also think that she might not want her daughter to see that she needs comfort.

I've listened to her every night tossing and turning. I wish that I could take her and hold her in my arms as she sleeps, but I can't. Not anymore.

"Sara?" I turn to find Catherine and Lindsay waiting for me by the door. I smile and follow them out.

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I pass the waiter the menu encouraging him to move on. His eyes are glued to Catherine, and it is driving me insane. I take Catherine's hand in mine, and smile at him as she glances at me. Catherine is ignoring his stare. Instead she is watching our linked fingers. I glare at the waiter now, because he is not getting the hint. He is still tripping over himself for Catherine. Lindsay is giggling next to me.

"Hey buddy how long are you going to keep drooling over my girlfriend?" I ask. My tone is sharp, and it catches his attention. I catch a glimpse of his name tag. Henry. I prefer shithead.

"I…I'm sorry. I…I didn't…I didn't mean to offend you."

"Of course you didn't." I can feel Catherine's gaze on me. I catch her eye and wink at her. She sends me a small smile.

I watch Henry walk away. I am so sick of men drooling over Catherine. I understand that she is breathtaking, but they treat her like all she is, is a piece of meat. Made for their pleasure. Only there for them when they want her. But the thing is Catherine is so much more. She is a beautiful woman, but what lies inside her is so amazing and complicated it leaves me speechless. I have always seen Catherine as a strong, independent, and professional woman, but then I had a chance. A chance that gave me a best friend. I haven't been so open or close with anybody since I was young. When I was innocent, lost, and knew no better. Catherine changed that. She's given me something that I've never truly had. A friend.

I'm worried though, because the vibrant woman I have seen over the past four weeks is rapidly fading. Morphing back into the confused and hurt woman I barely recognized when she knocked on my door almost two months ago.

Catherine wasn't supposed to have to experience the hopelessness I saw when she returned to Vegas. That is not what I wanted for her. Life doesn't seem to listen to my desires very often. I will help Catherine through this day by day. Holding her hand every step of the way if I have to.

Feeling the warmth of Catherine's hand leave my own I glance upward to find our food is being served. I look around the table Catherine is sitting to my left and Lindsay to my right. I start to eat and the silence returns. Leaving me to the devices of my own mind.

When we finish eating Lindsay strikes up a conversation with Catherine as we wait for dessert.

I am busy admiring the way the candlelight caresses Catherine's features. The light embraces her golden locks and causes the faint red to shimmer. I remember when the red in Catherine's hair was more prominent. I would often find myself thinking about how beautiful her natural color is; how it complimented her porcelain skin. Catherine smiles at something Lindsay has said causing her eyes to sparkle.

Lindsay keeps glancing at me. I can sense her eyes quickly boring holes into me. I turn my attention back to the conversation in time to see Lindsay's eyes flicker to me again. I send her a smile. I'm curious and slightly nervous to why she is studying me so intently. "Sara you've been awfully quiet tonight, are you okay?" Lindsay asks. God she sounds so grown up.

Catherine's eyes are on me now too. She's worried. I can see it. I might be the only one who can, but it is there. "I'm fine sweetie." I send both Willows women a smile, "Just thinking."

Lindsay's eyes hold an understanding. Recognition that she shouldn't question me further. I feel it's more than that though. Lindsay knows something I don't yet. She is trying to tell me through her eyes. She is exactly like her mom. Everything you need to know lies in their eyes.

Catherine places her hand on top of mine briefly before turning back to Lindsay.

My hand is left itching to return to Catherine's. I miss the calming effect she has on me. The comfort that comes from the smallest touches between us. I want to be able to hug Catherine again when I want to. I long to hold her hand just because I feel like it, or because I need the support. I love the connection and closeness between us. I also love Catherine. "Oh God." I love Catherine.

Both sets of crystal blue eyes turn to me. One set full of concern the other amusement. I said that out loud didn't I?

I stand up and quickly make my way to the bathroom. Once I am safely behind the door and out of the sight of Cath and Linzz I begin to pace.

How could I let this happen? Without my knowledge? Even more important when did I fall in love with Catherine? I though admiring her beauty was normal; she is a very beautiful woman, and it probably would be if there wasn't more behind it. I thought the comfort came from being friends. I would have known better if I hadn't dismissed my feeling without thinking; declaring them too complicated. I am supposed to miss a friend. But as much as I do? How I do? Oh God! Catherine does not need this right now! What she needs is a friend. How supportive of a friend can I be when I secretly have feelings for her? Why didn't I notice the signs? I have never felt this way toward anyone before. I have always felt each feeling with more passion when it has comes to Catherine. Shit! How can I do this to her?

The bathroom door opens and closes. I catch a glimpse of no other than Lindsay Willows leaning against the wall observing me before I return to pacing.

My mind is spinning with thoughts. How? When? The questions keep multiplying. The sound of Lindsay's voice drags me back into reality. "I figured you wouldn't want mom to see you like this. You can stop pacing Sara." I stop dead in my tracks. Something in her tone has caught my attention. "It took you long enough to figure it out."

I gaze directly into her eyes. She knows. Weakly I manage to squeak out, "You know? Before me?"

"Seriously Sara sometimes I think I should be the one paid to investigate. It wasn't as hard to figure out as you make it sound."

"Yes it is."

"Sure it is Sar." She smiles at me. "Don't worry your secret is safe with me. Now are you calmed down enough to walk back out to the table with me? Mom is probably falling apart with worry at the moment. I never seen her show so much emotion at once before. Your abrupt leave from dinner sparked something in her. She probably already had a suspicion something was wrong, and then you go and bolt up from the table without a word of where you're going." I remember Lindsay being able to act like an adult, but when did she reach her new level of maturity?

"Shit. Was it that bad?"

"Yep."

"Well now I feel like an ass."

"You should."

"Thanks for sugar coating things for me Linzz. I appreciate it."

"No problem. I live to comfort you Sara."

"Smartass."

"I know." I smirk at Lindsay and link my arm around hers. "You need me to hold your hand?" I stick my tongue out at her and she giggles. Taking a deep breath I open the door and we walk back to the table.

Lindsay was right. To the untrained eye Catherine may seem fine. A little agitated but fine. One hand tapping on the table while the other threatens to break the glass in its grasp, stormy blue eyes distant and unfocused; Catherine is trying her hardest not to snap. She is not one to stop and think about her actions and I can tell she is ready to jump up at any moment.

Even upset she looks sexy. This is definitely not the time for those types of thoughts, but I can't seem to stop my mind from creating them.

I move my chair closer to Catherine before sitting down. I turn so my shoulder is resting against the back of the chair and my whole body is facing Catherine. "Hey." She looks up at me. Confusion. Confusion and worry. Guilt bubbles in the pit of my stomach.

I place my hand over the one she is tapping on the table. Instantly she pulls away as if my touch has stung her.

I catch a glimpse of what I was expecting to see in her eyes. Anger. Blazing deep within. When Catherine releases her fury it is a rush of burning passion. It strikes your weakest points and then proceeds to beat you when you're down. Catherine's rage is something to fear yet something to be in awe of. If she chooses to her words can be like a million daggers stabbing you all at once. An ugly monster lives in such an amazing woman. Feeding off pain; we all have it, but Catherine's has been skillfully sharpened and is sensitive. Temperamental. It is her best weapon of defense. As long as it is not focused on you Catherine's rage mixed with passion is something to admire. I've learned that if you catch Catherine at the height of her anger you can observe her in her most vulnerable state right before her shields shoot up around her.

It is easy to covert feelings into anger. It is safer than admitting your vulnerabilities, or your true feelings. I have done it many time. Many times Catherine and I have come close to creating World War Three. We would give each other time though to cool off before pretending it didn't happen.

I don't want to fight with Catherine anymore. I don't think I can handle her harsh comments. Now they would be personal. A fight could annihilate the friendship we have created. One blow strong enough. That's all it takes. I have given Catherine so much to throw in my face. I have let her in. I hold her to a higher standards than that. I don't believe she would ever use my past against me, but at the same time I'm afraid she will. Everyone has before. Who knows what will be flying at me while her view on things is distorted by anger.

"Are you okay?" She asks quietly. I nod.

"Cat?" I whisper. I cautiously drape my arm over her shoulders. She focuses on me. "Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry. I just didn't think." My expression is pleading. I don't want our last night together full of rage.

I watch as Catherine's eyes soften, and a small smile appears on her face. "I'm not." I give her a small smile as her fingers caress my jaw line.

"I think you two should seal the deal with a kiss." Both our heads whips around to focus on a beaming Lindsay.

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I am lying in bed staring up at the ceiling and listening to Catherine toss and turn. I wish I knew why she can't sleep. I'm certain it is a combination of things. Things she still refuses to talk to me about. I caught her on the phone the other day with Greg checking up on everyone. She was terrified I'd be mad at her. I had to keep reassuring her for the next two days that I wasn't upset; that I understood.

I can't lay here and do nothing anymore. I throw off my covers and perch on the side of the bed next to Catherine. Apparently I'm not the only one Catherine is keeping up. I lock eyes with Lindsay; she gives a look that clearly states 'Thank God.' I motion toward my bed with a nod of my head, and Lindsay gets up and switches beds

I start to rub Catherine's back hoping to soothe her. She turns her head toward me and opens her eyes. A small smile appears on her face as her eyes remain on me.

I move to Lindsay's spot on the bed and lay on my side. I continue to rub Catherine's back. I move closer and begin to hum quietly. Catherine repositions her head so that she is facing me again as she lies on her stomach. I slide down on the bed so that we are eye level. A tiny smile creeps onto my face as I gaze into Catherine's blue pools. I note Catherine's eyes are starting to slowly close. I stop humming my random tune and lift myself so I can kiss Catherine on the cheek. I lie back down and move my hand so I am rubbing Catherine's shoulders.

Catherine takes my free hand and intertwines her fingers she then places light kisses on my knuckles. Now that I can hear Lindsay lightly snoring over on my bed I decide to sing instead of hum. Quietly I begin, "I had no choice but to hear you/ You stated your case time and again/ I thought about it/ You treat me like I'm a princess/ I'm not used to liking that/ You ask how my day was/ You've already won me over in spite of me/ And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet/ Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are/ I couldn't help it/ It's all your fault."

I stop singing. Catherine has fallen asleep with a smile on her face. She looks so peaceful. Carefully I remove my hand from hers. I brush my lips against her forehead, and then move to my own bed. All I really want is to cuddle with Catherine. Place light kisses on her lips. Instead I crawl under my covers and watch Catherine sleep as Lindsay snuggles into my back.

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"Sara."

"Mmmmm." I'm not ready to wake up. I roll over and burry my face in someone's thigh. I hear a giggle, and wrap my arm around their waist.

"Sara sweetie. You have to get up. We have to be to the airport in two hours."

I groan. "Five more minutes," I mumble into what I have discovered is Catherine's leg.

"I don't think so." I tighten my grip on Catherine and let the fog take over my mind again. "Oh no Sara! You are not going back to sleep," I hear in the distance. Next thing I know I am squirming and laughing as Catherine tickles my sides.

"Please stop," I manage to plead through gasps for air.

"Are you going to get up?" I shake my head no, and I grab Catherine's arm tugging her over me so that she is lying on the bed. I lay my head on her shoulder and nuzzle my face in her neck.

"I don't want to get up." Catherine is lightly running her nails up and down my back.

"I know…You can't get away with this Sidle."

"Get away with what?"

"Being adorable so that I won't try to get you up."

"It's working so far."

"Get up or Linzz and I will carry you into the shower."

"No you won't. I'm too heavy you'll throw out your back." I'm struggling to hold back a moan building in my throat as heat travels through my body from Catherine's touches.

"You know I'm beginning to think that you are deliberately stalling so that Linzz and I will miss the plane."

"I wasn't, but thanks for the idea."

"Sara Sidle you are such a pain in my ass."

"But that's why you love me." Catherine chuckles and holds me tighter.

Suddenly she moves and cold water is poured in my face. I sputter and try to breathe as another rush of water hits my face. "What the fuck!?!"

"Watch your language Sara," Lindsay says. I open my eyes and glare at both Willows who are turning red while they attempt to contain their laughter. Lindsay is holding two huge cups. Two giant empty cups.

I get up and head toward the bathroom. "Fine if that's the way it's gonna be." I turn to face them, "Just remember who saved you," I point at Lindsay, "From a sleepless night because of Miss Tossy Turny. "And you," I point at Catherine, "Remember who was the one that helped you fall asleep last night next time you ask that person for a favor." I stick my tongue out at them before shutting the bathroom door behind me. I can hear them laughing. I can't help but smile.

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I'm standing in the airport with Catherine and Lindsay at my side. We are all staring at the security line. What happens after this? I don't know. I don't know when I am going back to Vegas, and I don't know what will happen now that I have realized my feelings for Catherine. Will they cause me to go back sooner?

I had pretended over the past month that the time Catherine would have to leave would never come. I'm not ready to say goodbye to her even if it is not permanent. She needs to get back to the lab and her life back in Vegas. And for now no matter how much I want to be I am not part of that life. Not anymore.

I turn to Catherine and Lindsay. Lindsay approaches me and I pull her into a hug. I kiss her head and hold her close. I glance at Catherine she is smiling at us. Lindsay give me a squeeze and then moves away. "When you get back to Vegas we need to hang out."

"Of course sweetie." Lindsay moves into the security line to give Catherine and I a little privacy. I know she's still watching.

I gaze into Catherine's eyes. I can feel a lump rising in my throat. This shouldn't be so hard. It's not forever. But it is. Things between us may change is Vegas. A place that holds past for both of us. Tears are causing Catherine's eyes to shine.

She wraps her arms around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder. I snake my arms around her waist and pull her closer. We are getting pretty good at saying goodbye. "Do you know when you will be coming back to Vegas?" I shake my head no and bury my face in her hair. "You'll call me when you get back?"

"Right away."

"Good. This is harder than I thought it would be."

"Remind yourself that it's not goodbye forever."

"Does that help you?"

"No."

"Then why are you telling me to!?!" She swats my arm playfully.

"I thought it was worth a try." She chuckles and hides her face in my neck.

"You know, I'll miss you Sara."

"I'll miss you too Cat. You'll still be my best friend when I get back to Vegas right?" She moves her head back and looks me straight in the eye.

"Are you worried I won't be?"

"No… well kind of. I mean it's Vegas. We have a past there and people know us. They expect things from us when we're together."

"Well they will have to alter their expectations," Catherine says smiling encouragingly at me. "I wouldn't trade in my spot as your best friend for anything or anybody in the world. You'll still be my best friend right?"

"Nope I just wanted to see if you'd be mine," I say with a sarcastic air. Catherine looks genuinely concerned and upset at my words. "Cat I was joking. Don't worry. Location can't change the fact that you are the person I trust most in my life, and that I believe that you are the most amazing person on the face of this earth okay? Yes I'll still be your best friend."

"Good. You better be or I will handcuff you to me and drag you around until you are again. You will have to be with me all the time."

"Well if you put it that way I might have to reconsider my answer."

"Then I will kick your ass. For changing your mind and for having a dirty mind."

"Never mind." I glance at my watch. "You should probably go if you are going to make it on the plane."

"Okay." I look down at Catherine. I want to kiss her. She's gazing up at me and I could swear that I can see desire in her eyes. Which means, I'm losing my mind.

I kiss Catherine's forehead and she brushes her lips against my cheek before I hesitantly let go of her. I stand and watch her go through security.

I wait and wave to Lindsay when they call for passengers to start boarding the plane. Catherine glances back at me over her shoulder one more time before she disappears onto the plane. Along with my heart.

* * *

TBC...


	15. Chapter 15

**EDITED AND REPLACED VERSION

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**

Catherine's POV

Hands. So strong; when she moves them muscles undulate under her skin. Their touch so gentle and loving. Hands. Snaking around my waist pulling me further into an embrace. Arms. Toned. A protective shield from the world around me. Arms. Holding me close, connecting our bodies. A perfect fit. Her eyes. Brown never ending pools; full of emotion. Eyes that reflect the smile upon her beautiful face. Once a smirk. An expression so sexy and so full of knowledge it makes me weak at the knees. Turned into a full blown smile. Rare and real. Only for me.

A hand waves in front of my face and I jump in my seat. "You know I've been trying to talk to you for the past five minutes and you have been completely ignoring me. Am I that boring?"

I turn my attention to my daughter. "No. Sorry sweetie I was thinking."

"About Sara."

"How…?"

"You had the look."

"What look?"

"The love sick, puppy dog look. You know? Dreamy, far away eyes. Mouth slightly open; drooling. Let's face it mom it's not very good look on you. You shouldn't wear it so often. Now if you would take my advice you wouldn't have to."

"What advice?"

"Well you see I've been trying to talk to you for the last five minutes. If you had been listening you would know. Maybe I won't give it to you anymore, because you are seriously cutting into my flirting time."

"Flirting? With who?" She discreetly points and I glance in the general direction she has indicated. Sitting in the isle across from us is a girl about Lindsay's age. She has jet black hair, and piercing blue eyes that stand out against her creamy white skin. She is wrapped up in the music blaring from her iPod. She's cute, but for someone Lindsay's age she would most likely be classified as more than that. Wait a minute then that means…"You're attracted to girls?"

"And guys. I didn't think you would have a problem with it."

"I don't"

"Good because if you did I would be forced to rename you. I would call you Hypocrite."

"How kind of you."

"Well you would be. Telling me it doesn't matter who you chose to love, and the tiny detail that you are crazily in love with a woman yourself."

"Yeah, I get the point Linzz. When did you realize?"

"A while ago. I've already told Sara, but you are never around long enough for me to tell you. I've had a girlfriend. I wanted you to meet her, but the chance never came up."

"Had, what happened?"

"She couldn't bring herself to admit she was in a relationship with another girl."

"I can't believe I've missed all of this."

"Well you did, but life moves on, and it's not too late for you to change." She smiles at me. When did my little girl gain so much insight on life? "Well you may not be cutting into my flirting time, because if you think about it logically I will most likely never see her again. However I might be able to convince her to join me in the bathroom for a quickie before we get back to Vegas."

"Good God! Lindsay I do not need to hear about this! I am your mother!" Her comment, this is putting it lightly, has left me mortified.

"Yeah well this is payback for all of your painfully obvious flirting with Sara. I did not need to hear that. I am your daughter!"

"I'm glad we have established what we both don't need to hear."

"Oh I have a long list of things I don't need to hear from you. On a different subject; do you want to hear my advice or not?"

"You'll tell me no matter what so yes I would love your advice."

"You need to hear it whether you believe you do or not. Before we left did you hint at all to Sara about your feelings?"

"Why the hell would I do that? Maybe I'm feeling self destructive today; want to fuck up my life even more. Lose my best friend."

"Okay, okay you don't have to be so defensive I was only asking. What if there is a possibility that she is interested in you too. Would you take the chance?"

"Why did she tell you something?" I watch Lindsay's features intently. I am hoping that even if she lies I will catch a glimpse of something that gives her away.

"No, but there is a fifty percent chance that she does right?" No sign of anything. Knowing my luck she is lying, but has inherited my power to control expressions. Why couldn't she have inherited Eddie's skills or lack thereof? He was always horrible at lying. It was like he had a flashing neon sign over his head before he even opened his mouth. Yet again that was every time he went to open his mouth.

"Nope. That leaves a zero percent chance that she likes me."

Lindsay turns her head slightly and mumbles something under her breath that sounds remarkably like, "Lord these two are worse than teenagers."

"What was that?"

"Nothing." She plasters on a smile. This time she is defiantly fibbing. "Look Mom all I know is that you love Sara, and that you need her right now more then you are willing to admit in front of me. I know your issues with Sara aren't your only problems, but it would help to get them off your chest. I am sick of seeing you depressed all of the time."

"I am not…" She is now tuning me out with her iPod. When did Lindsay grow up so much? How could I miss it? Maybe my mom is right maybe I am a really shitty mother.

I sigh. Linzz is right it would be nice to have some of the weight fall off of my shoulders. I have so many issues preoccupying my mind at the moment. Usually I would talk to my best friend about my problems. How convenient! My best friend is Sara the person I am madly in love with. Well I guess I can cross out that option. Gil's too wrapped up in no other then Sara. Warrick already has enough stress factors in his life without my problems on top of it. I've always been close to Nick and Greg, but in our relationships they have been the ones to open up, and I would like to keep it that way. Talking to my mother or even Nancy is out of the question. My mother's support has always been nonexistent when it comes to my feelings toward women. Nancy has accepted it because I'm family but has remained ignorant to any details past the fact that she is a woman. I sure the hell know where she got her uptightness from. Thank God I raised Lindsay to think with an open mind even if she did have Eddie's opposing influence in the earlier years of her life.

I move my legs so that Lindsay can get past me. I watch her approach the girl in the isle across for us. I note how rapidly Lindsay puts the other girl at ease. Lindsay sits down and they begin to talk like old friends.

People have always commented in the past that Lindsay has inherited my people skills, but the truth is she didn't. Hers are ten times better than mine. With her it is instantaneous. Everyone feels comfortable around Lindsay. My skills depend on the person. A key example is Sara. Instead of being friendly toward her and helping her relax on her first day in Vegas, because she was clearly nervous; I was hostile. She was an easy target to vent my feelings on. It took us, mainly me, seven years to finally, after many failed attempts, to get on the right track. We have finally created a friendship. With bonds stronger than any other friendship I've had. Yet at the same time it is fragile; filled with insecurities and doubt. Constant reassurance is needed to keep our friendship going. It is like we have skipped or missed a step that could secure our friendship. A step that could leave less risk for destruction.

I am pathetic really. It seems no matter what I think about it all comes back to Sara. Some would call it love. I have called it love many times myself.

If I am truthful with myself I know I am scared. The emotion I hate to admit nonetheless I am full of it. I cannot convert this fear to anger. There is too much of it, and the only person I can possibly release it on is myself. Because I am showing weakness. Because I am allowing myself to be swallowed by this fear.

I have never wanted somebody the way I want Sara or as much as I want her and want to be with her. I have never needed somebody the way I need Sara, and that terrifies me. I have allowed myself to become dependent on one person solely in a way that I never have before. I am trusting Sara with my heart, and every emotion have revealed to her. Sara is the first person I've found, that I can entertain the possibility of being with, who gives a damn about me. Everything on the inside and out not only my body. She has never been greedy with my trust or misused it, and she has constantly given to me without expecting anything in return, but a real, honest friendship. Hell everything about the way Sara is scares the shit out of me because she is like no other person I have ever met! She has broken all of my low expectations for people.

And I find myself constantly wondering why I am feeling so sad. We are only friends. If we ever took our relationship to the next level how would I fell then?

Lindsay returns to her seat next to me. "So how did it go?" I have decided to be more involved in Lindsay's life if she will let me be.

"Her name is Jay. She is really sweet and seems like she would be a really cool person to hang out with."

"Something in your tone makes me suspect you are going to be seeing more of her." Lindsay grins.

"I will be. She was telling me about how her parents finally agreed to let her stay with her older brother in Vegas. It turns out she will be going to the same school as me. She was nervous about not knowing anybody and starting so late in the year. But I promised to show her around and asked her if she wanted to chill with me and my friends. Told her that I'd like her to and that they would love her. We are meeting outside the school tomorrow so that we don't have to attempt to find each other in the halls."

"Sounds like a smart idea to me."

"I want to be early tomorrow for school. I mean earlier than usual incase Jay gets there early."

Since when has anything or anybody caused my daughter to want to be early for school? I have a feeling that it is the same something that would cause me to show up early for Sara.

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I groan and rest my head on my cool desk. The dull pounding in my head during the beginning of shift has morphed into a constant throbbing. I lift my head and rub my temples. I decide to check my email in hopes of something to distract me from all the paperwork I should be doing.

I smile. I have an email from Lindsay and one from Sara. My two favorite people in the world. I open the one from Lindsay first. _A little something to cheer you up at work. Love u-Linzz._ She has sent me some of the pictures from San Francisco. There are six of them. The first one I assume Sara took because it is of me and Lindsay sitting on surf boards in the water laughing. The second one I know I took. Sara and Lindsay were watching TV. Sara put her arm around Lindsay and Lindsay snuggled into Sara. Sara seemed so relaxed but at the same time protective of Lindsay. I melted when I saw them together. I had to take a picture. So I did. A smile creeps onto my face as I gaze longingly, wanting to go back to that time. Everything was perfect. I felt like I would never have to go back to the real world. My life in Vegas. That was two weeks ago.

The next three pictures Lindsay must have taken. It's funny I don't remember Lindsay taking the one I am currently looking at. I don't remember her taking any of them. The first two were taken the first time all three of us went to the beach. In one Sara is straddling me while she tickles me. She is smiling as she watches me squirm underneath her with my eyes closed begging her to stop. The other picture has captured us facing away from the camera as Sara carries me over her shoulder down to the water.

The next one takes me by surprise. I am lying with my head on Sara's chest holding onto her tightly while her arms are around me protectively as we both sleep in the hotel room. Sara looks so peaceful. So beautiful. She is wearing a small smile. I am too. I close my eyes and the faint feeling of safety envelops me as I remember being in Sara's arms. Every emotion I felt, and every sensation that swept over me creeps into my mind and lingers for a few seconds before leaving.

The last one I know Lindsay put in here on purpose. She knew what it would do to me. She also knew it would lift my spirits. The picture leaves me speechless. Sara looks breath taking. It is her alone sitting against a tree in the park. Her knees are pulled into her chest, and her arms are wrapped around her legs. The wind is slightly lifting her hair and there is a trace of a smile on her face. Her eyes are focused on something or someone just out of the view of the camera. Those brown pools are sparkling with emotion. They light up her entire expression and speak volumes. All of the words Sara would never say. She never needs to say; all you have to do is look into her eyes.

I save the picture as my background and then open Sara's email. _I miss you._

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I'm sitting in the living room reading when the front door opens. "Mom?"

"In the living room Linzz." I take off my reading glasses. God I hate those things. I am not at all surprised when two teenagers enter the room. "Hey Linzz, hey Jay." Jay has spent almost every afternoon here since we got back to Vegas. She and Lindsay have become best friends, and most likely are soon to be more. Jay has become part of the family already, and I treat her as a daughter. Part of me says everything with Jay, her friendship with Lindsay and acceptance into our family is moving too fast. The other half of me claims it isn't; that other people have entered and become parts of mine and Lindsay's lives this quickly before.

"Hey Mom."

"Hi Ms. Willows."

"Jay, sweetheart. How many times do I have to request you call me Catherine before you actually will?"

"Sorry," she replies shyly as she examines her shoes.

"Mom, can Jay spend the night?"

"Yeah of course. I was planning on staying at Sara's tonight though. Uncle Gil has been hinting that he is going to stop by to talk… I want to be out of the house. I know it is mean and I should be there for him but…"

"No it's not. He needs to understand he's not the only one having issues and sometimes you need a break. He will stay here whether you're here or not."

"So you don't mind if we stay at Sara's?"

"As long as Jay doesn't."

"I don't. Who's Sara?" I don't talk about Sara a lot, because it only reminds me of how much I miss her. Lindsay respects my wishes and doesn't talk about Sara around me. Apparently not around Jay either. Lindsay's eyes suddenly sparkle mischievously.

"Well…"

"Lindsay Jay doesn't need to hear everything. It's boring."

"What are you talking about? It is the most interesting story I know at the moment. Plus she is part of the family so she should know so she can decide when the best times to avoid you are." Lindsay turns away from me and whispers purposefully so I can hear it, to Jay, "She has mood swings."

"Know what, fine Linzz. She can know, but don't expect me to be the one to tell it. You should take a seat it is going to take a while." I move off the couch to the chair. I am curious how much Lindsay knows. I know she won't hold back for me. For the next half an hour I sit and listen to Lindsay recite my pathetic love life. Complete with mine and Sara's history over the past seven years that Lindsay can remember. Jay watches me with sympathy. That is the last thing I want. Sympathy and pity. I'm the one who fucked it up. I get what I deserve. But I can't figure out how I deserve Sara. In a way I have her and I'm not letting her go anywhere. "Linzz why don't you go pack your clothes for tonight. Jay do we need to stop at your place so you can get some things?"

"You can borrow clothes from me hun," Lindsay says. Those two are too cute together.

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Sitting here I am second guessing my decision to let Linzz and Jay sleep in the same room together. I am going to give them benefit of the doubt. They each claim they are only friends so I am going to believe them. Of course I will burst in to the room at random moments unannounced, and check on them after they go to sleep. Be an annoying mom. I guess the best part of my decision tonight is I don't have to worry about either of them getting accidentally pregnant if anything does happen between them.

I am curled up in Sara's giant chair with my laptop. I'm watching my daughter and Jay though. They are on the couch watching TV. Jay is spread across the couch with her head in Lindsay's lap. Lindsay is running her fingers through Jay's hair with a smile on her face. Another thing that makes me doubt that they are only friends is how easily their friendship comes to them. I mean it came easily to Sara and I too when we tried and that's what sparked my suspicion. Neither of them seems to deny their feelings for the other and they each are aware of the other's feelings.

See that's where their relationship differs from what I have with Sara. There is nothing stopping them. There are a lot of factors stopping us. Mainly Sara doesn't return my feelings.

I grab Sara's camera off the shelf and take a picture of the two of them before they can move. Lindsay glances over at me and I mouth 'Payback.' She smiles and turns back to the TV. I get up and make my way to Sara's room grabbing the phone along the way.

I know I saw her cord to link her camera to the computer somewhere in here. I've decided to unpack all of the boxes for when Sara gets back. The only thing I'm going to leave for her is her clothes. I know I definitely wouldn't mind it, but I'm certain Sara wouldn't appreciate me going through her underwear.

I find the cord and then send the picture to Lindsay, Jay, and the one other person I know will appreciate it; Sara. When I finish I notice I have a new email. It's from Sara; _I miss you._

I pick up the phone and dial her number. "Hello?"

"I miss you too."

* * *

TBC...


	16. Chapter 16

**EDITED

* * *

**

Sara's POV

Smiling I hang up the phone. I haven't heard Catherine's voice since she went back to Vegas. Three weeks ago. Three very long weeks. We have emailed. I was plagued with worry that I had penetrated a boundary of Catherine's the first time I admitted I missed her. Since then I have sent her flowers almost every day with the help of Greg hoping to make it up to her.

However a half an hour ago I decided I no longer cared if I made her uncomfortable. I missed her and I want her to know it. I still miss her; even more so now that we have talked. Despite my procrastinating and reluctance Catherine had to go make dinner for Lindsay and Jay.

When I refresh my email I discover I have a new email from Catherine. I smile at the sight before my eyes. Lindsay is snuggled up on my couch with a young woman Catherine identifies as the famous Jay. Whenever I talk to Lindsay, Jay's name always pops up and I can picture her love sick eyes as I listen to the teenager gush about the raven haired girl. Lindsay is right, Jay is quite pretty.

I maneuver to the pictures in my saved mail that Lindsay sent me a few weeks ago. Quickly I open my favorite one which has become my background. Lovingly I gaze at the gorgeous woman before my eyes. Blonde and red hair shimmering in the caress of the sun. Dried with a slight wave and being tousled by the wind. Skin, sun kissed over toned muscles and perfectly complemented by an olive green bikini. Catherine's crystal blue eyes are sparkling with emotions. She is beaming as she watches a subject out of view of the camera. Her beauty is intensified by the clear blue sky and foamy ocean behind her.

I feel my heart swell with a longing. My whole body aches with the sorrow of miss and need. A smile appears on my face at the thought of the happiness I felt with Catherine by my side. All of the emotions, and all of the sensations she brings to me. Without even being here Catherine can throw me into a whirlwind of pleasant emotions.

My phone rings and I answer without glancing at it. "Hello?"

"Ms. Sidle?"

"Yes?"

"This is Dr. Michaels." I feel my heart sinking and my lips tightening into a thin line.

"Doctor. How are you?"

"Fine, fine and how are you?"

"I have a feeling I won't be too happy in a minute. What has she done this time?"

"I'm afraid you are correct. Listen I am so sorry to have to inform you of this…this morning Laura Sidle was discovered in her room dead. Her death has been ruled a suicide." A wave of shock hits me hard. I'm not certain what I should feel.

My voice comes out weaker than I would like it to, "How?"

"She hung herself. I know you will understand this more than others. You don't need height for a hanging; you only need the proper angle and enough pressure." I understand perfectly. I have been called to many of those types of scenes.

"Can I see her?" My voice is almost a whisper.

"Of course Ms. Sidle. I will call and inform the ME that you will be visiting. I know this is a hard time for you, but arrangements for her body are needed by the end of next week."

"Okay." I rub my temples as a migraine works its way into my head at full force.

"I am so sorry Ms. Sidle for your loss."

"Thank you. Are we done? I want to get to the morgue."

"Yes, of course. Good bye."

"Bye." I slam my phone closed and bury my face in my hands trying to push back all of the memories and all of the feelings that are overwhelming me.

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I plunge my shaking hands into my pockets. Nerves are eating at me. I have been in this situation many times, but I have only been on this side of the commotion a few times. Impatiently I wait for someone to escort me to see my mother's body.

A strawberry blonde in a blue lab coat walks over to me. She reminds me of Catherine which slightly calms me. "Ms. Sidle?" I nod my head not able to form words. "Hi. I'm Mary Hart. I am the ME who was assigned to your mother's case." I nod again to show that I am listening. I stare into her stormy blue eyes and gather comfort as an image of Catherine wanders into my mind. "I have been informed that you are a CSI from Vegas…" No use in correcting that. Maybe I will be again someday. "So you are well aware of how this will work right?"

"Yes," I reply quietly.

"Good. Now if you will follow me I will lead you to the morgue." I do as she asks. Kindly she remains quiet. I am certain she is as well aware of grieving families as am I. For her caution I am grateful. I need time to pull my spinning thoughts together. Mary lightly squeezes my arm and holds the door to the morgue open for me.

"Thank you." I wait as she opens the stainless steel door and slides out a shelf containing a body covered in a white sheet. A white sheet that covers Laura Sidle. My mother. I take a deep breath as she pulls back the fabric.

I have always known this day would come one way or another, but no matter how prepared I was I was never prepared enough for the moment I see her laying on the stainless steel shelf. White skin with clouded over eyes. I move closer. Laura is frail. Dark purple marks stand out around her neck. I can feel tears welling in my eyes as I stare down at her. I don't attempt to stop them from falling. I place a hand on her cold skin and caress her face.

I have so much anger pent up from and for this woman, but at the same time she is my mother. I have horrible and frightening memories from my days with her, but there are also good ones. Times when we went out as a family and escaped the alcohol and drugs for a few hours. Rare smiles that danced across her lips.

I have to admit to myself that no matter the rage and pain I feel toward the woman lying in front of me behind that all is an undying love. A bond between mother and daughter. Even though it was never strong it is there. I do feel a small amount of sorrow for the loss of her. My mother.

I try to have this thought be the only one in my mind, but I can feel the anger bubbling. Growing stronger with each second. I gaze down into her foggy brown eyes as my anger begins to spread through my body. She knew when she put whatever she did around her neck that this was the final and biggest 'fuck you' to me. I have no doubt of that. She probably took joy at the thought. Was she ever haunted by that night? Did she ever see my father's body limp and dead on the floor? Did she still feel the blood on her skin? Hear his screams? Did she even care?

She escaped so much. She escaped so much with my help. Yet she never cared what I went through. She only cared for herself. She never worried about what I went through as I sat up on that stand in the courtroom and testified for her. I was the reason she escaped death row, because I relived everything that had driven her to the point of insanity. I brought back all of the memories for her, yet she didn't even care! I was haunted by nightmares for her. I made sure she was in the best facility I could, but she didn't give a damn for all of my efforts. I paid for her to have the best that was possible when I received the chance, but instead of a simple 'thank you' it was a harsh 'fuck you'. It always has been.

I yank my hand away from her face. Any sympathy I felt is gone. I want to be as far away from her as possible. "Ms. Sidle are you done?" I glance up at the coroner and she discreetly moves back a step as shock flashes over her features. I have a feeling the last emotion she expected to see was anger. She might even have been alarmed at my anger. I know I have a temper; one to fear.

"Yes," I snap as I turn away from her and the body. I begin to leave.

"What should I do with the body?"

"Have her cremated. Then I don't care what the fuck happens to her. I'm done with her. I don't want to have to think, or care for her anymore. Dump her in the trash if you want to." I storm out of the morgue. I hear the door slam behind me.

I don't remember reaching the car, but I am now driving on autopilot. Tears of sorrow and anger streaming down my face, and blurring my vision. I pull into the liquor store down the road from the hotel and walk in.

I pay for my things and drive to the hotel as my anger builds to even higher levels.

I managed to make it to my hotel room somehow.

Now I am sitting on my bed staring down at my old best friend Jack Daniel through my tear blurred eyes. Opening the bottle I take a sip and smile at the burning in my throat as the liquid fills my body.

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I groan. My head feels like it is about to explode with each painful throb. Carefully I open my eyes, and light blinds me. My muscles are screaming in pain and my arms sting from activities long ago I promised myself I would stop. I shut my eyes and then try again. I look around and discover I am sitting in the corner of my hotel room. With an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's in front of me.

I wince as my sore muscles protest my movements. I stand up and make my way to the shower. I have no clue what happened last night I can only be relieved that I remained in the room.

As I enter the bathroom I see the razor on the counter and my blood making its way down the side of the sink. I remove my clothes and wait for the water to warm. Finally I step into the steaming water hoping to soothe my body.

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I take one final glance around the room. I believe I have cleaned up all evidence of my actions the previous night. Grabbing my suitcase I close the door behind me.

I am going back to Vegas. I can no longer stay here. It is not a place for me to run to anymore. The city only holds reminders of death and self destruction. I could try to escape again. Go somewhere completely new, but I know I will be followed no matter where I flee to. I want to return to the people I love. I want to be by Catherine's side even if it is nothing more than friendship. I want to spend time with Linzz, and get to know Jay. I want to see the guys again, and eventually get my job back.

The rest I will deal with later. The ghosts and the fresh memories combined with the old I will cope with when I have to. I know Catherine will be there to help me if I ask, and just being back in Vegas and distracted will help.

Thoughts of my mother have disturbed me since I woke up this morning. I have seen the suicides like the one she accomplished. Instead of the victims at the scene all I can see is Laura. Her wide open, glazed over eyes with her fragile frame, and ghostly skin. Her body hanging off the side of the bed.

I shake my head to clear the images.

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I was lucky enough to get a plane ticket for today back to Vegas. I am now sitting on the plane attempting to block out the images of my mother again. I sigh. Warm tears are making a trail down my face. "Something to drink dear?" I look up at the cheery flight attendant.

I nod my head. "Anything with alcohol would be nice." The woman gives me a knowing look and assures me she will be right back.

I glance up when a hand rests on my shoulder. The flight attendant passes me a glass and gives my shoulder a light squeeze.

I thank her and shift in my seat. The fabric of my shirt rubs against my arms and pain shoots up them. I groan and close my eyes while I take a sip of my drink.

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Quietly I close the door of my apartment. I noticed Catherine's car in the parking lot, and I want to surprise her. I leave my things in front of the door and walk in. I am shocked to find that everything in the living room and kitchen has been unpacked. A smile creeps onto my face. Catherine. She is so sweet. I don't discover the blonde in the two rooms, but then I hear a faint humming.

I move toward the sound and find myself outside of my bedroom. Leaning against the doorframe I study the woman with her back to me. Catherine is leaning over a box taking things out. I am put in a trance by the movement of her back muscles. She is in a white tank-top and jeans with her hair up in a messy ponytail. I can see the sweat starting to glisten on her skin. When she stands I am ripped from my thoughts. "The place looks amazing Cat. You didn't have to do this for me sweetheart," I say quietly not wanting to frighten her too much.

She jumps at the sound of my voice then sets the objects in her arms down before turning to me. She sends me a sad smile. I lock eyes with her. I can't help but note how tired she appears. There are dark circles under her eyes, and she has lost some weight. "Hey," she says quietly.

"Surprise," I reply with a smirk. I watch as her eyes wander over me. "Do I get a hug?" Her eyes move back to mine, and I catch a dull twinkle within them.

"I'm all sweaty and gross. You don't want one now. I'll give you one after I shower."

I sigh and put on a disappointed expression, "Fine." We stand in a comfortable silence. "Why don't you shower now? I'm tired, and I could use a cuddle buddy while I sleep. That is if you aren't busy tonight."

Catherine sends me a beaming smile, "Okay." I step into the room and she brushes against me as she moves to a box and pulls out a pair of boxers and t-shirt. "Do you mind?" She glances over her shoulder at me. I shake my head no, and move next to her to find something to sleep in.

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I curse myself for not owning a long sleeved pajama shirt. Now I am tucked completely under the covers with only my head sticking out. I am waiting for Catherine to get out of the shower, and praying that she won't notice anything. It is rather hot in here, but I can't remove the covers.

I smile at Catherine as she crawls into the bed. I sigh in content as she snuggles into my side. I lay here staring at the ceiling. I'm not tired, but Catherine is so I said I was to get her to sleep. I can tell she's not sleeping though because she is busy stroking my side. "Where is Linzz?"

"At Jay's," she replies while she turns on her side to face me. I copy her actions so that I am looking deep into her eyes. "I didn't expect you to be back here for a while."

I send her a sad smile, but do not answer. Reaching up I caress her cheek and she intertwines her fingers with mine. Mentally I am kicking myself for not thinking. Catherine looks down at my hand and gently runs her fingers over it like she usually does. Suddenly her eyes shoot up, and are full of worry. She tugs my arm out from under the covers and I try to pull it back. She stares with a blank expression at the angry red lines covering my arm. She quickly glances up at me before pulling my other arm from under the covers. This time I don't protest finding it useless.

Catherine traces the marks on my arms. She gazes up at me her eyes searching. She is holding both of my wrists not letting me hide my damage.

I can again feel tears welling up in my eyes. How could I be so stupid? I haven't wanted to do anything to make her worry, but then I go and pretty much show off my arms to her. I gaze into her eyes. They have darkened with what is unmistakably fear. "Cat I…" She places her finger on my lips and moves me so I am laying on my back.

She places herself almost completely on top of me, and begins to kiss away the tears that have started to fall. She places her hand on my cheek and chastely kisses me before moving slightly. She nuzzles her face in my neck and holds me tightly. I wrap my arms around her pulling her even further into the embrace. I can feel myself beginning to shake as the tears flow harder. Catherine wiggles out of my arms then pulls me into hers. I rest my head on her chest and cry. Catherine holds me and whispers loving words into my ear until there are no tears left. My eyelids become heavy so I close them. The feeling of Catherine running her fingers through my hair gives me enough comfort to surrender to sleep tugging at my mind.

* * *

TBC...


	17. Chapter 17

**EDITED VERSION**

Song- Refugee apparently it is originally by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, but I'm a Melissa Etheridge fan so the version mentioned is by her

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

Opening my eyes the moon light is filtering into the room illuminating Sara and I. Sara is shaking beside me. My arm is protectively around her waist and my body is pressing into her back. Leaning over her I can see her tear stained face. Chocolate brown eyes closed in a disturbed slumber. I gently rub her arm and move my lips to her ear. "Sara, babe wake up," I whisper as electricity sparks on my lips at the contact of our skin. Sara stirs but cannot escape her dream. Suppressed thoughts haunting her in a time of rest. Previous events catching up to her in her most vulnerable state. "Sweetie." Moving my hand to her face I caress away the tears that refuse to stop. Softly my hand glides over her porcelain skin. Trying to chase away the ghosts of her past. "Sara. Wake up hun." Her eyes flutter. Eyelashes coated and heavy with tears. I run my fingers up her arm. "Hun?" Turning her head dark eyes glisten with fear and defenselessness as they gaze up at me. My whole demeanor softens once more as I look upon the woman beside me. Once again Sara has reduced me into a puddle as love soars through me. I send her a small smile. "Come here." Sara rolls over and I pull her into me. She nuzzles her face in my chest and begins to rack with sobs. One of her arms has enclosed my waist and she is clutching to my shirt as tightly as possible.

I pull her closer bringing her into a shield containing only the two of us. Quietly I speak words of comfort to her until she calms down. Moving her head Sara glances up at me shyly. "Thank you Cat," she says quietly. Before I know what is happening her lips have brushed against mine and she has buried her face in my neck.

My lips are still tingling as I pull her closer. Thank God it is dark because I have the biggest grin on my face. I kiss the top of her head, "Your welcome sweetie."

I feel Sara's breathing slowing as she returns to her dreams. I run a finger over my lips and smile.

My joy is short lasting though as my worries about Sara return. The moment I first saw her I felt a twinge of fear. Something was off. Sara was hiding it, but her eyes were betraying her. When she moved next to me I could smell alcohol lingering on her breath. I don't know why Sara quit drinking, but it had to be important to her. Then she gives her sobriety up. Something has to be bothering her and I am mentally kicking myself for not finding out what it was last night. If I had I might not have seen her arms.

Dark red lines against creamy skin. The sight of Sara's damage upon herself did not strike nearly as much alarm in me as what is going on in Sara's mind that has caused her to need to cut herself. For Sara to turn to two self destructive habits at once means whatever is troubling her must have stirred powerful emotions within her.

I have wrestled with my own addictions in the past and I know the hold they have on people. I understand that Sara's need to inflict pain upon herself is as much of an addiction as anything else. People do not always understand that when people hurt themselves it does not always signal that they want attention. The physical pain distracts from the pain inside. It causes a numb feeling and then the body craves that feeling so the actions are repeated. It does not necessarily mean that the person is a suicide risk. It only means that they are in pain. It is no different than turning to alcohol or drugs. There are the same risks and there are different ones.

I don't want Sara hiding this to the best of her ability. I don't want her locking everything inside, and moving on to only have it come back and haunt her later.

The first thing I will talk to her about in the morning is what is going on.

I close my eyes and tighten my embrace on Sara.

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I open my eyes and rub the sleep out of them. Glancing around, I am alone. I can see the rain pouring down as thunder rumbles outside. Groaning I remove the covers from around me and my skin is nipped at by the cool air.

I need time to think about how I am going to approach Sara with the topic of what is bothering her so I get in the shower. As The steam rises around me I cannot shake Sara from my mind. The sight of her breaking; signaling that long ago she fell apart on the inside. The hot water massages my back as I stand with my thoughts flying. But the most important one is how am I going to help Sara?

I dig through a pile of my clothes I left here to find something to wear. Once I am dressed I roam through Sara's clothes and put on her black zip up hoodie. Sara's scent engulfs my senses and causes me to smile. It calms me enough to approach Sara.

As I walk down the hall toward the living room I play with the sleeves of Sara's sweatshirt as I think about all of the things I saw last night.

Stepping into the living room I observe Sara. She is standing with her back to me as she gazes out of the window at the grey world on the other side. I don't believe she is actually looking outside. I have a suspicion she is inside her memories. I pull my wet hair into a messy bun and move closer to Sara. I don't want to make her uncomfortable or invade her space.

When she doesn't turn around after a few minutes I cautiously step up behind her and snake my arms around her waist as I rest my head on her back. "Hey."

She turns in my arms and gazes down at me. "Hey." Gently I rub her forearm. I can't see Sara's arms because she is hiding them in a black shirt with a maroon short sleeve one over it. As I get lost in her eyes all I can see is confusion. I take Sara's hand and lead her over to the couch. I sit on one end with my legs crossed Indian style and Sara sits on the other with her knees pulled up to her chest. I put one arm on the back of the couch inviting Sara to take my hand if she wants.

She links our fingers and I smile at her. "Sara I…I don't want you to feel pressured, or anything, but something has obviously happened in San Francisco to make you come back, and I… I'm hoping you trust me enough to tell me what it is."

Sara nods and stares at our hands on the back of the couch. I give her hand a squeeze and she looks back up at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm just so confused Cat."

"Why?"

"Two day ago I received a call. My mom died." Tears are now making their way down Sara's face. Things are starting to click and make sense in my mind.

"How?"

"Suicide."

"Did you get to see her?"

"Yeah," a small smile is playing at her lips.

"What?"

"You sound just like me." Her smile grows at my puzzled expression.

"Huh?"

"You are asking the exact questions I did when I got the call."

"Oh," a small smile touches my lips. "Tell me what happened after you got the call." I listen to Sara tell me about her trip to the morgue, and what she did after. "So how are you feeling about this?"

"That's why I'm so confused. I mean she's my mom so I should feel sad right? But I am so angry at her. At everything despite what she says I tried to give her the best. I did, and I might not have visited, but that doesn't rule out the fact that on some level I loved her. I… … does that make any sense?" She turns her attention back to me. I can feel my heart slowly and painfully breaking at my friend's state. I have only seen Sara this upset once.

"Sweetheart it makes perfect sense to me. I understand the confusion you're going through, because I felt it myself when Sam died. I know you tried Sara and you have valid reasons to be furious with your mom. At the same time she is your mother and nothing will change that. Maybe all your anger comes from the fact that you love her, and she let you down in so many ways. That regardless of how she treated you, you did your best for her and you could never do any less." A small smile appears on Sara's lips. I want to kiss her and help her take away the pain written clearly on her face, but I know that can't happen. I know the kiss Sara gave me last night was nothing more than between friends. I will never be able to shake that sensation from my mind as our lips connected. "What's happening? Are you having a funeral?"

"No. She's being cremated and then who the hell knows what. I'm done with her Cat. I can't put myself through any more for her. All the feelings that I have toward her death were the last straw for me." I smile and squeeze her hand again. The silence is heavy with emotions.

"Are you doing anything this afternoon?"

Sara's expression makes my heart melt. I can tell how grateful she is for the change of subject. "No. Why?"

"Well I was thinking if you wanted to you could come over to my place. Lindsay will be ecstatic to see you, and you can meet Jay. I have to work tonight, but I would love it if you would stay for dinner."

"Okay." I tug on Sara's arm and she moves toward me and curls up against my chest. I slide my arms around her.

"Thank you."

"For what, Cat? I should be the one thanking you."

"For trusting me enough to tell me what happened and how you feel."

"You're my best friend why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I still can't believe that you trust me and that we are friends. I know this is really hard Sara, and I'm here for you through everything okay?"

"I know you are." I'm not certain I should bring up the next topic at this moment, but who knows when the next time we will be able to talk about it is.

"Sara?"

"Mmmmm."

"There was something else I wanted to mention."

"Okay."

"Your arms sweetheart. Promise to come to me if you need comfort instead of hurting yourself. Please."

"I promise. I'm not suicidal you know?"

"Yeah I do, but the risks…I don't want to lose you." Sara turns in my arms and kisses my cheek.

"You won't."

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"Wait for it."

"What?"Jay sends me a puzzled look.

"You'll know in a minute." Sara has gone to surprise Lindsay.

Suddenly a very high pitched squeal followed by a very excited, "Sara!" makes its way to us from the direction of Lindsay's room. Jay chuckles and I join in.

"Do you think she's excited?" Jay asks.

"I don't know I can't tell," Jay's smile widens.

Leaning my head against my arm resting on the back of the couch I reach over with my free hand and run my fingers through Jay's silky, black hair. She smiles shyly at me. A few weeks ago she would have flinched away from my touch. I see her as my daughter though, so I kept trying, and she is finally slightly more relaxed around me. I have not been able to stifle my curiosity toward what in her life has caused her shy behavior. "So how are things going sweetheart?"

"Good."

"Yeah? Everything is okay at school?"

She nods, "Linzz has been such a help. I can't imagine what school would be like without her." I send Jay a smile.

"What about at home? How are things with your brother?"

"It's alright." Her tone changes with her words. Sadness. Her words are coated in sadness.

"Are you sure?" Jay refuses to meet my eyes. She only briefly nods her head. "Jay, sweetie you can tell me. I won't say anything to anyone." Laughter erupts from the other room.

"We don't get along very well. John and I. He has a life here that doesn't include me. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake coming here. If I didn't care so much for Lindsay, and if you and her hadn't accepted me like you have then I would probably be on a plane back to Mass. by now."

I place my finger under her chin and gently lift her head so that she is looking at me. "Whenever you need to you can come here okay? Lindsay and I may have a large slightly crazy family, but you are a part of it."

"Really?" A sad smile touches her lips.

"Really. Everyone in this family will love and accept you. You've met some of them in the past month already I believe. Gil. I know that he can be distant and quirky, but he has the biggest heart. I have a feeling he has started warming up to you already after you engaged him in the conversation about beetles. Who else was there?"

"Warrick."

"Hmmm... well Warrick is a kid at heart. I know he was sort of out of it when you met him, but..."

"When you say sort of out of it you do mean stoned out of his mind right?"

"Yeah that is a way of putting it."

"It is the truthful way of putting it. He was hilarious though. Sorry for the distraction; but what?"

"I thought he took a liking to you. Mind you it is hard not to; you can be such a people person at times. It is the polar opposite of your anti-social, shy side."

"It's easier when I'm around people I'm comfortable with. Who else is in the family? That's two and you said large so there must be more right?"

"You will eventually meet everyone at one point or another if you stick around long enough. Nick and Greg are also giant, fun loving kids at heart. Then there is Sara. You got a quick glimpse of her, but I'm certain you will get to know her a lot better. Sara's different than the rest when it comes to being in our family. I know you heard from Linzz about our rocky relationship. She has been half way in our family since Lindsay was seven. She has always been there for Lindsay no matter what I have said to her. She's unique. I have a feeling out of all the people you meet you will connect best with Sara."

"What about the other guys? How long have they been a part of your family?"

"Well Gil and I go way back. Something like fifteen or sixteen years. He was the one who helped me gain control of my life when I found out I was pregnant with Linzz. He gave me the time and the opportunities. If it wasn't for him I most likely wouldn't be a CSI. Sara has been part of the family for both of us for about three months. Warrick Nick and Greg have been a part of the family since they joined the team. Just like everyone else who works or has worked Graveyard or Swing shift; lab techs, detectives, and medical examiners. Now you are stuck with us too." Jay beams and I return the gesture as I squeeze her hand. Jay shocks me by leaning in and giving me a hug. I gladly return the embrace.

When she pulls away she says, "So... Sara's here. Now that she is back in Vegas what are you going to do?"

"All I can do; be her friend."

"Are you sure she doesn't have feelings for you?"

"Pretty certain. Why?"

"Well from what I've heard you two are really close. I thought that there might be something more on each side. Something more like what Linzz and I have. I know that she has feelings beyond friendship for me and she knows that I have the same for her. We haven't decided if we want to act upon them yet though. We are waiting to see what happens. Sara might have feelings stronger than friendship for you Ms. Willows."

"Catherine. Please call me Catherine, Jay."

"Right, sorry Catherine." I smile as I finally accomplish one of my hardest goals with this girl. Getting her to call me by my first name. "She is really pretty."

I know she is talking about Sara I don't have to ask. "Yeah she is."

"Who's pretty?" Sara asks as she strolls into the room her hand linked with Lindsay's. I turn my head attempting to hide the blush creeping into my cheeks.

Jay glances at me and then replies, "Angelina Jolie." A small fit of laughter escapes me and Sara raises an eyebrow.

"Okay."

"You two are strange," Lindsay comments.

"That's not nice to say about your best friend and your mother Linzz. After all I've done for you I'm offended," I say lacing my words with mock hurt.

"Sorry Mom."

"No you're not. Jay's offended too. Right Jay?"

"I sure am Catherine."

"Hey you called my mom by her first name. Making progress."

"Yep."

"Mom move over I want to sit next to Jay."

I groan and get up. Grabbing the CDs Sara brought off the table I pass them to her saying, "Pick one." Carefully I rest my hand on her forearm; afraid of applying pressure. Turning I note that Linzz and Jay are holding hands. I catch Jay's eye and wink. Lindsay notices and repeatedly glances back and forth at the two of us.

"Why do I feel left out of something?" Lindsay asks.

"Don't worry kiddo I feel the same way," Sara replies not looking up from her music.

"Oh I just realized you two haven't been formally introduced. Sara this is Jay and Jay this is Sara."

Sara glance up and sends Jay a gleaming smile, "Hey."

"Hey," Jay replies shyly.

"Here Cat, let's listen to this one." Sara passes me a mixed CD and I put it in the stereo next to the TV. I take a seat on the floor so that Sara can have the chair. "Cat babe, why are you sitting on the floor?"

"So you can have the chair."

"I don't need it you sit in the chair."

"No Sara you're the guest you take it." If Lindsay and Jay weren't here I would easily solve this problem by sitting in Sara's lap.

"No you take it I'll sit on the floor."

"God you two are stubborn," Lindsay interrupts.

"And you aren't Lindsay Willows?" Jay replies.

"No I'm not."

"You are more stubborn than the two of them put together."

"Am not."

"Are too!"

"Okay maybe I'm a little stubborn."

"A little?"

"Yep." Sara and I are turning our attention back and forth between them trying not to laugh as they playfully bicker at each other.

"Stubborn."

"But that's why you love me right?"

"Nope, but you are right about one thing. I do love you." Jay replies her voice lowering at the last words.

Sara sits on the floor next to me and we remain silent observing the two girls across from us. They are watching each other closely. Expressions full of love. They look like they are about to kiss, but Sara interrupts. "Good song!" She quickly rises from her spot on the floor and turns up the volume. She grabs my hand and pulls me up to dance as guitars begin to strum soon followed by a sweet, sultry voice flowing through the speakers.

_We got somethin', we both know it, we don't talk too much about it  
Ain't no real big secret, all the same, somehow we get around it  
Oh listen, it don't really matter to me baby  
You believe what you want to believe_

_You see, you don't have to live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)_

I turn around linking my hands behind Sara's neck and move slowly against her. Jay grabs Lindsay's hand and they begin dancing beside us. I barely hear Lindsay say, "Go Mom!" in disbelief or I probably would have laughed. However I am too busy focusing on the music and the sensation of Sara's body moving against mine.

_Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around some  
Tell me why do you want to lay there and revel in your abandon  
Honey, it don't make no difference to me, baby  
Everybody has to fight to be free_

_You see, you don't have live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)  
No baby you have to live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)_

_Oh baby we ain't the first  
I'm sure a lot of other lovers been cursed  
Right now it seems real to you, but it's  
One of those things you gotta feel to be true_

_Somewhere, somehow, somebody must have kicked you around some  
Who knows maybe you were kidnapped, tied up, taken away and held for ransom  
Honey it don't really matter to me baby  
Oh everybody has had to fight to be free_

_You see you don't have to live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)  
No baby you don't have to live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)_

_No baby you don't have to live like a refugee  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh yeah  
(Don't have to live like a refugee)  
No baby you don't have to live like a refugee_

Turning I gaze into Sara's eyes. Wait a minute... I turn my attention to Linzz and Jay who are now caught up in a passionate kiss. I glance at Sara and she has noticed them too. I lean into her and move my lips to her ear. Whispering I say "Looks like they need some privacy. Help me make dinner?" I start to move toward the kitchen, and notice Sara is not following me. Gazing over my shoulder Sara has her eyes closed and seems to be in some sort of trance. Walking back over to her I take her hand and say, "Helping me in the kitchen requires moving Sara."

"Mmmmm," is the only answer I receive.

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Sara is sitting at the table. It turns out her idea of helping me cook dinner is sitting at the table and boring holes in my back with her eyes as I do all of the work. I don't mind it so much though; she is good company. "Is there a reason you're staring Sara?"

"Hmmmm?" I glance over my shoulder and note her intense gaze. Her expression is one of extreme concentration. I can feel my body reacting for the fact that, that stare is focused on me.

"Staring. Why?" I see her reflection in the window over the sink. She shakes her head attempting to get rid of whatever in there that is clouding her mind.

"Sorry. I didn't realize I was." I can't help but smile as I catch her eyes wandering over me when she thinks that I can't see.

"So I don't think I can let those two sleep in the same room anymore. Do you think I would be a bad parent if I did?"

"No, they're gonna find a way to do what they want to whether you let them or not. Neither of them can get pregnant by the other last time I checked."

"But still doesn't it seem like I am encouraging sex."

"I don't know Cat. I'm not good at parenting. Let me help you with that." I am trying to reach the mugs which are conveniently located on the top shelf that I can barely reach. I can feel Sara behind me. She places one hand on my hip, and her body presses against mine as she leans forward to reach the coffee mugs. I grab onto the counter causing my knuckles to turn white as I hold back a moan threatening to escape from me.

Sara sets the mugs down and wraps her other arm around my waist. She rests her chin on my shoulder and pulls me closer to her. The sensation of her warm breath tickling my ear is enough to drive me insane.

Thankfully I am saved by two teenagers walking in asking about dinner.

* * *

TBC...


	18. Chapter 18

**EDITED

* * *

**

Sara's POV

I am sitting zoning out at the TV screen when my cell phone starts to vibrate on the coffee table. Glancing at it before answering I smile as the name _Catherine _flashes across the screen. It has been a week since I came back to Vegas and I have been spending as much time as possible with Catherine, Lindsay, and Jay. Today though I wanted to be by myself. I can feel the darkness creeping around the edges of my heart again. My ghosts are closing in on me. I have to keep my distance from everyone right now. I don't want to hurt them in any way, but when my past is following me like a shadow who knows what I will do or say to people. I am not paying attention I am busy listening to the offending whispers of my past.

"Hey."

"Sara?"

"Lindsay? What's up sweetie?" This is a pleasant surprise.

"Are you busy right now?"

"No. Why?"

"Come over."

"Now? Why?"

"I just need you to come over."

"Linzz is everything okay? Are you alright? What about your mom?" Panic is coursing through me. Something is Lindsay's tone is off. Worried.

"Please just come over Sara I'll explain when you get here."

"Okay I'm leaving now."

"Okay." I hear the other end of the line go dead, and I rush out the door.

Thoughts are racing through my mind as I drive as fast as possible without causing an accident to Catherine's. What if Catherine's hurt? Lindsay or Jay? Why is Lindsay so worried? What if it has something to do with one of the guys? My adrenaline kicks in as my fear increases.

I pull into the drive way and barely park before jumping out of the car and running to the door. I knock loudly and Jay answers the door. "Hey Sara come in." I can't help but notice that she looks worried too. "Lindsay is in the kitchen. She's been staring out the window since she called you. She is worried about Catherine."

"Why? What happened?"

"I don't know. I got here as she was slamming the door to her room. Maybe they had a fight or something."

I nod feeling slightly relieved by the situation. Still I have a nagging fear. Walking into the kitchen Linzz is right where Jay said she would be. Zoning out she as she hugs herself. A stray tear is making its way down her face. "Linzz what is going on?"

"I'm worried about mom."

"Why? What happened?"

"I'm not certain. A bunch of the guys showed up today needing her help. Uncle Gil needed a shoulder to cry on about you. I think she feels guilty, hiding things from him about you. They have been friends forever." I nod as she glances at me before continuing. "Uncle Warrick showed up drunk and stoned like usual needing a place to crash. They went through the normal routine. She made him a bed on the couch then he attempted to hit on her and make out with her before she told him he needed to sleep it off." I had no clue Warrick was having issues or that he was abusing Cath's heart by doing these things. Catherine hasn't said anything. "Greg showed up. Mom was relieved because he usually shows up just to chill and joke around with us, but he is having issues with his newest girlfriend, or that is what I figured out by eavesdropping. He needed her help. Then Nick came over to unload about a case he finished working today. He's in the guest room and Warrick is still on the couch passed out. Mom didn't have the heart to turn them away. But they aren't the only ones. Wendy stopped by to discuss something upsetting with mom. I got caught trying to listen though so I'm not certain what that was about.

"She has been going through so much lately. She is refusing to admit that she is depressed, but I know and you know she is. I've heard her crying her eyes out in her room when she has told me she is going to rest after work. She barely sleeps and barely eats. The happiest I've seen her is when you're around. That's why called you.

"I'm not exactly certain what happened. She just kind of snapped after Wendy left and went in her room slamming the door. I've tried to talk to her, but she turned away. Jay's tried to check on her and that didn't work either. She's been in there for a few hours alternating between spacing out pretending to watch TV and crying. I didn't know what else to do. I thought you might be able to get through to her. I don't want her going through this alone."

"I can try." I pull Lindsay into a tight embrace before making my way to Catherine's room. I get a glimpse of Nick and Warrick who are both snoring loudly. I knock on Catherine's door and get no response. I open the door and stick my head into the room. "Cat?"

The sight that meets my eyes breaks my heart. Catherine is sitting in bed staring off into space as the TV loudly plays commercials. Her eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep and tears. Black half circles underline her eyes. Her skin is pale and gleaming with tears. Her striking features look gaunt. She has lost weight making her look fragile under the covers.

I don't know how I missed that she was falling so hard. I knew something was off, but she seem alright around me. She continually reassured me that she was okay. I had no other choice than to believe her. I did see those dim eyes haunted by sadness. A brief twinkling quickly extinguished. I shouldn't have let her worry about me as much as she has. She has enough problems without mine. She insisted I talk though. I did the same but she brushed me off. Now I know I have to try even harder. I'm not letting her do this to herself. I'm not letting her fall as far as she did last time.

I receive no response when I call her name so I enter the room closing the door behind me. Moving to the edge of her bed I try again. "Cat?" She looks at me without really looking at me. She seems to be looking through me. With dull eyes that are a ghost of their former selves. "Can I join you?"

This time I can tell that she sees me as her eyes become less distant. She nods and looks away from me. I get under the covers and move next to her. I copy her position and lean against the headboard. I drape my arm over her shoulders as she continues to avoid my concerned gaze. "Will you please tell me what is going on Cat?"

"Nothing," her voice is hoarse with emotion.

"Bullshit." My words capture her attention and she meets my eyes for the first time. I expected her eyes to be swimming with emotion. They are empty. Dead. No hint of the vibrant person they belong to. She moves her eyes away from mine and rests her head on my shoulder. "Don't lie to me Catherine. Whatever is wrong is eating you alive and to tell me it's nothing is complete bullshit, and you know it. You know what the first thing I noticed about you when we met was?" She shakes her head no. "Your eyes. They were so full of expression. Even though you acted coldly toward me I knew that you were really a caring and loving person. It was in your eyes. But now. Now they are dim. They hold nothing of the woman I know. They have faded. You need to talk to someone Cat. I don't really care if it's not me as long as it is someone."

She moves her head again to look at me. There is a tiny sparkle in the corner of her eyes. I don't know what it is, but it is there and that is all that matters. "What about the woman you told me you have feelings for a while back. Will you talk to her? I will get a hold of her for you if I have to." It pains me to say this, but all I want for her now is to be okay. I hate seeing her like this. I am afraid when I see her like this.

The corner of her lips curl and she moves her face closer to mine. Her lips find mine and she moans at the contact. I close my eyes and begin to kiss her back lost in the sensation. When her tongue moves across my bottom lip I freeze as I realize what is happening.

Jumping out of the bed I take one last glance at her before mumbling something that I hope sounded like I have to go. I rush out of the room as I pass Lindsay's room I hear her calling to me. "Sara! Sara what happened? Is she okay?" I ignore her. I need to get out. I need to clear my mind. This wasn't supposed to happen. She needs a friend and then I let her kiss me. I was taking advantage of her when she is at one of her lowest points. How could I?

Lindsay is standing at the door as I peel out of the driveway. I drive aimlessly not knowing what to do.

I find myself in the desert. I get out of the car and sit on a rock, thinking.

How could I let this happen?

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Childish. I know my antics are childish. The phone rings again and I ignore it. It has been three days since Catherine and I kissed and I haven't talked to her since. I don't know what to do. I want Catherine so badly. I want to be in a relationship with her. I want to kiss her whenever I feel like it. The kiss we shared was amazing. Her lips were so soft. She tasted like a mix of tears, sugar and something uniquely Catherine.

I close my eyes trying to hold back the tears. Little pieces of her are scattered all over my apartment. I'm afraid that if I see her I won't be able to hold my emotions back and I will kiss her. I will lead her on when nothing can happen between us. One large thing is holding me back from pursuing a relationship with Catherine and it has been since I first realized my feelings. Catherine needs a friend; not a girlfriend.

I grab my beer and take another swig of it. I haven't been able to drop alcohol since I started drinking again. I know that I shouldn't be drinking, but I need the numb feeling. I crave the numbness.

How are we going to get past this? Are we going to get past this? Does Catherine really have feelings for me or was I only the physical comfort in front of her she was seeking? Can I act normally around Catherine now that I know she could possibly have feelings for me?

I have received emails from Catherine that I couldn't bear to look at. I have gotten nonstop phone calls. There have been flowers and chocolates delivered to my door several times. All of the messages they contained said the same thing. _I'm sorry. Can we talk? _

God, the way Catherine and I are acting people who didn't know better would assume we are having a lover's quarrel. The phone rings again and I glance at it. _Linzz_ is flashing on the screen.

This strikes a dilemma in me. It could be Lindsay and I promised her I would always be there for her, or it could be Catherine trying to trick me. I can't ignore the phone though because there is the smallest possibility it could be Linzz.

"Hello?" I slur a little and realize I might have drunken too much. Right now I don't really care.

A small voice on the other end of the phone replies, "Sara?" Shit. It's Catherine.

Well if I haven't hurt her yet I just did as I closed the phone without another word to her.

She's hurt, and I can't face her.

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"Can we talk?" Looking away from the TV Catherine is nervously standing in the doorway. It has been a week since our kiss and I have continued to ignore her. I was wondering when she was going to show up. She has my key. I pick up my beer off of the coffee table and take a gulp of it.

"Can we do it later? Ghost Hunters is on." I know I'm being a bitch. I see her face distort in anger and hurt; my heart shatters into a million pieces and I immediately regret my actions.

"I want to talk now." Her words are more forceful this time as she gains confidence.

"Well I don't." That was a lame reply.

"You have been ignoring me all week!"

"I haven't been in."

"Why are you being such a bitch Sara?" That hurt. The truth hurts. I sigh and look back up at her from my spot on the couch. Her gaze meets mine and her anger is only fueled. My body is begging not to feel. Not to remember. I take another swig of my beer. I can feel Catherine observing me closely. As I go to take another sip she crosses the room and grabs the bottle out of my hand. She throws it across the room and I hear glass shatter as it hits the wall.

"What the fuck was that for?" I yell at her.

"What was that for? What was that for!?!" She sounds like she is on the edge of hysteria. "You are a complete ass when you drink. Wait maybe it's not the alcohol maybe it's just you!"

I glare at her in disbelief. "Cat, I can't do this right now."

"Know what Sara? I don't give a fuck what you want right now! You have been ignoring me all week and it is killing me. I thought we were friends!"

"We are friends."

"Really? Because friends don't treat friends the way you have been treating me!" I stand up to go get another beer, but Catherine races me to the fridge and grabs beverages first. She takes the twenty-four pack and dumps it out the window. "No Sara! You do not need that shit! You are going to sit and listen to me, and then I don't give a fuck what you do at this point."My lips tighten into a line at her words. "You promised me!" She yells and then her voice becomes weak as she repeats, "You promised me Sara. You said things wouldn't change when you got back to Vegas. You said that nothing could change the fact that I'm your best friend. But the kiss has. We could talk it through like adults, we could get past it, but you refuse to. You promised me." Tears begin to trickle down her face. She stands broken staring at me as she wipes away her tears.

She turns and I can hear her raiding my cupboards and fridge. More glass breaks as it collides with the pavement below.

Sitting I stare at the floor. Catherine is moving around the house. I let her do what she wants. I can't move. I've just fucked up everything that we have worked for. All because of a kiss. An amazing kiss, and alcohol. There was a reason I stopped drinking, but I ignored it and I'm going to continue to. I just lost my whole life because I know Lindsay and Jay will disappear from it with Catherine.

I am going to need the comfort of alcohol. I am alone. I have no clue how I will fix things with Catherine. I watch as Catherine closes the door behind her. She carried out a box of things. The only traces of her left here are her lingering sent and all of the smashed glass.

I stand up and stumble. I carelessly make my way to the window. I can see Catherine sitting on the stairs outside the back door of my apartment.

Her shoulders begin to shake as she allows the tears to flow freely.

I want to go comfort her. I want to be her knight in shining armor. I want to kiss her and hold her. I want to erase the pain I have caused.

But I can do none of those things. I can only stand frozen and watch her release her never ending tears.

* * *

TBC...


	19. Chapter 19

**EDITED VERSION

* * *

**

Catherine's POV

"Hello? Earth to Catherine." I shake my head to rid my mind of the images of Sara that are lazily floating around inside of it, and look up. Greg is leaning against the doorframe of the break room. "I don't know if you heard Grissom, but we have a B&E just off the Strip."

"Since when is a B&E a two person job?"

"Since Grissom said it was. Come on. We can stop and get coffee on the way." I send Greg a small smile. I know he is trying to cheer me up. He is watching me. Probing with gentle, concerned eyes.

It has been two days since I left Sara in her apartment. I haven't heard from her at all. The only thing that could cheer me up is if Sara showed up to talk. To comfort me. I don't know where that event leaves our friendship, or if we even have one anymore.

I realized I haven't moved from my spot on the couch and Greg is approaching me. I turn my head to hide the tears. To my surprise he sits beside me and pulls me into an embrace.

The guy I have always seen as fun, as a little brother, or son has morphed into a mature young man in a matter of seconds. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze gently. He pulls away and forces me to look him in the eyes with his hand under my chin. "Why do you force yourself to face life alone?" I open my mouth to reply but no words come out so I shut it again. I stare into his hazel eyes trying to convey my confusion. "You don't have to Cath. Everyone here loves you. We are here for you. We are more than willing to provide a shoulder for you to cry on. Someone to lean on. Not only us Catherine, but Sara. Sara loves you and would go to the ends of the earth for you."

At the mention of Sara's name I involuntarily stiffen, and bite my bottom lip to hold back a sob.

I have to get out of this room. I need space. I can't let Greg see me so weak. I can't allow him to see what Sara does to me. The hold she has on me. I think Greg noticed he said something wrong, because he now has an expression of deep concentration on.

I stand up and leave the room before Greg can figure out which part of his statement upset me. I sit in the Tahoe and wait for Greg to catch up with me. When he gets into the passenger's seat her glances at me like he wants to say something, but I cut him off before he has the chance, "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

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Walking into the lab I make my way to Grissom's office. He called saying he wanted to talk to me.

I sigh and knock on his door. "Come in." I walk into the room and look around. Some of the specimens in jars still make me cringe. No to mention all of his different insects. Worst of all though is the tarantula he keeps in the back of his office. I hate spiders. Especially giant hairy spiders. "Catherine. Please take a seat."

I sit in front of his desk and wait impatiently for him to get to the point. "Can I help you with something Gil?"

"Actually. I wanted to talk to you about something non-work related."

"Okay. What?" Sara.

"You." Now I wasn't expecting that.

"What about me?"

"I wanted to ask how you are doing?"

"Good."

"I don't want you to lie to me Catherine."

"I'm not." Should it be this easy for me to lie to Gil? He has been one of my best friends for years. Shouldn't I feel some guilt?

"There you go again. Lying. For a week you have been acting nothing like yourself. You've been moping around. You have no enthusiasm for the job. Half of the time you are off in your own little world some. What is going on?" A week ago I lost my best friend. The object of my affection. Sara. I can't tell him that though. He wouldn't understand. He would feel betrayed. He would hate me. He would have a good reasons to do so.

"Lindsay and I are going through a rough patch again. Nothing I can't handle." He raises an eyebrow in disbelief. He however doesn't call me out on my lie. Instead he nods his head.

"You have a case to work on. I won't keep you any longer."

"Okay. See you later Gil." I am at the door when his voice stops me.

"Oh Catherine?"

"Yes?"

"Are you busy tonight?"

"No why?"

"I could use a friend."

"Of course Gil. Drop by whenever you feel like it." And I will be stuck at my house, because I no longer have a place to escape to.

I pass the visitors desk and send Judy a smile. I note Nick standing with his back to me by the end of the desk trying to reason with someone.

A voice reaches my ears that causes my heart to skip a beat. "Nick let go of me. I want to talk to Catherine." I am frozen halfway down the glass hallway. "Catherine! CAT!" There is slur in her voice. It breaks my heart to know she is searching the bottom of a bottle for comfort. I turn to find a very disheveled looking Sara stumbling toward me. Her clothes are wrinkled. Eyes bloodshot with dark bags under them. I can see a beer bottle in Nick's hand and I know where it came from.

I rush forward as Sara stumbles again, but does not look like she is going to catch herself in time. I take her arm and drape it over my shoulders as I struggle to lead her into my office.

Sara rests her forehead against the side of my head. I try to ignore the overwhelming sent of alcohol surrounding her. I can however not stop my body from reacting to her touch as she traces the v-neck of my shirt. "You know what Cat? You're gorgeous, you really are. You need to…need to eat though. You aren't looking well, but that's okay… that's okay with me. You are still beautiful to me," she stutters and slurs to me. Her hand has moved to tracing my jaw line.

I struggle to hold back the tears as this form of torture continues. Sara is so broken. I need to help her. I can't turn her away. I love her.

Still she has hurt me so much.

I enter my office and close the door behind me. I help Sara onto the couch and sit beside her. "Let me see your arms." She doesn't protest. Even though she is drunk I can tell she sensed something in my tone. I roll back her sleeves and see fresh marks. I run my finger over the red lines. I trace the scars up her arms. I look into her eyes and can tell she is having a hard time focusing on one spot.

She rests her head on my shoulder and wraps my arms around my waist. I don't return the embrace. I begin to rack with the sobs that I can no longer hide. Sara tightens her grip on me and repetitively begs me not to be mad at her. I lift my hands to my face; to hide the tears. I don't want Sara to see me like this. I don't want her to know what she has done to me. My efforts are useless. Sara clumsily rubs my back, "It's gonna be...it's gonna be okay Cat. It…it is." Sara tries to assure me as she stumbles over her words.

Hearing her in this state. Seeing her in this state only makes the tears fall harder. She is treading over the pieces of my heart she has already shattered. Who knows why she came here. A drunken decision that has only worsened the damage. Increased the pain.

I finally mange to take control of myself. Sara has fallen asleep leaning against me. I untangle myself from her arms, and push her back against the couch. I stand up and bring her legs up so that she is lying comfortably.

I take a seat at my desk and watch Sara sleep. She is so angelic. It reminds me of when everything was so perfect between us. For a few months. That is all. Then the pain returned in a different form. The distance appeared in a different light. The addictions and the ways of comfort have been pulled back out.

This is worse than when we were constantly fighting. Back then we would give each other some space to cool off and then move on. Now words have a greater effect. The pain is like a knife. It has cut my heart and soul into pieces. It is harder to forgive, and harder to forget.

I can't stop myself. The impulse is too great. So I move to the couch and crouch down by Sara. I bring my hand to her face and stroke her beautiful features.

"What are you doing to yourself sweetheart," I whisper.

I hear the door open to my office, but I do not turn away from Sara. I continue to watch my hand travel across her silky, pale skin. My thumb gently traces her lips. "Catherine, Nick told me Sara is here. Is she okay? Did she say anything about me?" I gaze over my shoulder and wait for Gil to see me. I press a finger to my lips when he catches my eye.

I turn my attention back to the woman in front of me. Remembering what it felt like to have her lips briefly against mine. Remembering what it felt like to be in her arms. Remembering what it felt like to have her by my side. Remembering what it was like before the alcohol and self-harm. I faintly hear Gil say, "I see," and then I hear the door close. I glance behind me to discover Grissom is no longer here.

I sit back behind my desk and look through the autopsy report of my latest case.

My pager vibrates against my thigh. Glancing at it I see that my results are ready in Trace.

I close the door behind me hoping I don't have to deal with Hodges for too long.

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After I put up with Hodges I made my way to DNA to see where Wendy was ready with my samples, and after that I was dragged into the layout room by Warrick.

I notice my office door is open. I walk in to find the room empty. I rush back out of the room and run straight into Nick. "Whoa Cath. Be careful. Why are you in such a hurry darling?"

"Have you seen Sara?" I ask as I scan the lab thankful that almost every wall is made of glass.

"She left a few minutes ago. She seemed sober enough to drive so I didn't stop her." I let out a groan.

"Thanks Nicky." Walking back into my office I can feel anger boiling inside of me. How could she do this to me? Show up needing me. Telling me it will be okay. Fueling my love. Making me want to forgive her, and then she disappears without another word to me. How could she?

I need to throw something. I need to release some of my anger. Papers fly across the room as the folder leaves my hand. "Fuck!"

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It seems all I have been doing lately is crying. Hurting. Over the unforgettable, unattainable Sara Sidle. Not anymore. I refuse to sit and mope any longer. I will never have her and at some point I must move on. Move on as much as possible.

His eyes are on me. Wandering over my body. Even though I can't see him I know he is there, waiting. Waiting for a sign to approach me. He's the one I want to spend my night with tonight. Tomorrow night it will be someone new. A new man or a new woman. Anyone who can help me rid my mind of her. The one I can't have. The one who has stolen my heart with no intention of giving it back. I can no longer love. I can only feel temporarily, but that is enough for me.

I take a sip of my drink. The alcohol is strong. It burns as it licks its way down my throat. Momentary warmth. It gives me a brief numbness. I don't feel as bad about using him anymore. I want a warm body to hold me. I want fake love.

I gaze at him over my shoulder. His chocolate brown eyes meet with mine. I send him a seductive smile and know the job is done. I have him for the night. My eyes travel up and down his lean, muscular body. His dark brown eyes and brunette hair. He will do.

I wait as he makes his way toward me. Taking a seat next to me a smile forms on his lips. "I'm Matt."

"Catherine." I lightly touch his arm, and send him a longing look.

"Can I buy you another drink?" I nod and press my body against his arm. He wraps his arm around me and moves me closer. I can smell the cloud of alcohol around him, but pretend it's not there. I'm certain the sent enveloped me a long time ago.

The bartender sets a drink in front of me. "So Matt, what do you do for a living?"

"I work at the Rampart." Oh great if not the memory of Sara then the memory of Sam.

I use the most interested tone I have, "Really?"

"Yeah. What about you?"

"I'm a CSI at the Las Vegas Crime Lab."

"That must be an intriguing job."

"Let's not talk about my job." I gulp down the rest of my drink, "Want to dance?"

"Sure, but I'll warn you I'm not very good." Sara's image flashes into my mind. Smiling down at me as the lights flashed. Looking slightly uncertain as the music pounded out of the speakers around us.

I shake my head subtly and turn my attention back to Matt. "It's not that hard. Come on I'll show you. Follow my lead." I grab his hand and drag him onto the dance floor.

I wrap my arms around his neck and begin to move against him. I can feel more than one set of eyes on me, but I pretend they're not there. I let the music flow through me. Moving my body to the beat. Forgetting my problems. It's only Matt and I.

I block out the nagging voice in my mind comparing him to Sara. I open my eyes to find Matt watching me. He moves his face closer to mine and I crash our lips together.

He has stubble on his face; his lips are rough and thin. He doesn't taste the same, and there is no electricity, but I move all of that into the back of my mind. He is going to give me what I want tonight. I move my hand to the back of his head to deepen the kiss. Forcefully a tongue enters my mouth demanding dominance. I let out a fake moan hoping that is will convince him.

Tomorrow night it will defiantly be a woman. So much more gentle. Caring.

I focus my thoughts back on what is happening now. I feel a hand on my ass. Squeezing. I move my body closer to his. It doesn't' feel right. Doesn't fit right. I continue to massage his tongue with mine. Encouraging him.

I push my fears aside. Fears of my last two encounters. Thoughts of who saved me last time. She's not here anymore. She won't save me if my fears take over. So I banish them.

His lips are against my ear, "You want to go somewhere more private?"

I gaze into his eyes and nod. He takes my hand and I follow him out of the club.

* * *

TBC...


	20. Chapter 20

**EDITED

* * *

**

Sara's POV

Knocking on my front door pierces the drunken fog of my mind. I stumble toward it not caring about my appearance. Opening the door I am face to face with no other than Lindsay Willows.

Arms crossed over her chest, hip jutted to the side, and one eyebrow raised she is the spitting image of her mother. As she pushes past me I hear her say, "You are an idiot." I close the door and turn to her. I can tell she is beyond pissed off. "You are seriously a God damn idiot sometimes Sidle."

"Well it's great to see you too Lindsay," I slur. She rolls her eyes at me.

"Sorry I don't have time to exchange pleasantries; I'm busy. You know I have my own love life I should be concentrating on, but guess what I'm doing?"

"I don't know," I can't think of anything. My thoughts are hindered by the alcohol that has been the focus of my life for the past two and a half weeks.

"I'm here to help you fix what you fucked up! Give me that." She grabs the bottle of Jack Daniel's from my hand.

"Hey! Give that back." She ignores me as she crosses the room so I follow her. When she notices me Lindsay lets out a low, hollow chuckle. She lightly shoves me and I lose my balance falling on my ass.

"It's better if you don't argue with me Sara. I'm not in the mood." I watch as she drops the bottle out of the window. What is it with the Willows women and dropping my alcohol out the window?

I can hear her searching my cupboards and fridge. I sit here helpless. Images of Catherine crying on the stairs flood into my mind and my heart re-breaks. Not Lindsay too. No I can't lose her too. Not like I lost Catherine. She is here to yell at me and then she is going to leave me; miserable and crushed.

I manage to get back on my feet and sit on the couch. Lindsay re-enters the room with a garbage bag that is half full. "How did you get here Linzz?" I'm trying to focus on one thought at a time. The most important first. Lindsay's safety.

"I got a ride from Greg. He's down the road waiting for me when I call him."

"Oh. Where's Jay?"

"I'm glad you brought that up Sara," I watch her cleaning the empty bottles out of my living room. "She's at my house cleaning up my mother's mess which is similar to yours. Maybe a few less bottles. How long did it take you to drink this?" She's holding up an empty Jack Daniel's bottle.

"A day, maybe a little less."

"What's the matter? Can't bring yourself to ask about my mom!?! Don't want to hear about how you've fucked her life up?" Her gaze is furious. Her glare is killing me; burning holes in my heart. Stabbing what there is left to break. Her voice holds venom that I have never seen from her before. "Well get comfortable Sidle 'cause you're going to hear about it."

"Linzz please don't."

"Please don't what Sara!?! Can't bear to hear what you've done to her. Huh? You can cause pain, but can't live up to the reality of what you have done? You know I thought you were different. I thought you would be good for her. Not like the scumbags she's dated before. If you messed up I believed you would do anything to fix it, but look at you Sara. You're a wreck." Her voice has softened; her expression sad. "Since my dad died you have been one of my best friends. I saw how good you were for her. Now… Now… I can't stand to see her like this anymore Sara." Lindsay's voice is beginning to rise again. "Personally I'm hesitant to let you around her again, but you are what she wants. You are what will make her happy. So don't think I'm here for you, because I'm not. I love you Sara, but I can barely look at you. You haven't seen your effect on her. I'm here, because I can't stand to see my mom the way she is now.

"I doubt she's home yet. She has started going to bars after work again. Every day she comes home faded a little more in every way. Dying a little more every day after nights in the beds of random strangers for comfort. I know that she doesn't hate you as much as she hates herself for doing what she does.

"She won't talk about it Sara, but she is disappearing quickly, disappearing into a ghost of herself. Filled with self-loathing and hurt. And you put it there!" I stare at Lindsay. I can tell she is trying to read my expression, but I've made sure it is blank.

Catherine has turned to other people again. Because of me. The reason she showed up so broken at my door the first time. Fuck! What have I done? "Have you heard anything? Has anything happened to her while she's been out?"

"Not that I know of. Why?" Lindsay looks worried. She shouldn't have to be worried.

"No reason. I just needed to know." She nods but I can tell she doesn't believe me. Lindsay sits beside me.

"So I heard you showed up at the Crime Lab last week."

"Ummm. Yeah I guess I did."

"You can't remember can you?" She is smirking at me. I'm glad she finds this amusing. I can remember waking up in Catherine's office so I'm assuming I saw Catherine. Maybe. I remember leaving. Then there is this blurry image of Catherine crying, but I can figure out whether it's real or whether my mind made it up. I'm hoping it's not. She looks so sad. So dejected.

"Not really," I reply quietly.

"So this is what you are going to do." Lindsay is now standing in front of me with determination written on her face. "I know for a fact that the Crime Lab is still looking for a CSI for Night Shift. You are going to go there, and I don't care if you have to get down on your hands and knees and beg, you are going to get your job back. Then you will have something to focus on other then drinking. I don't care if you use your money to buy beer, but I know you will not let your drinking affect your job. Since that is the only time you will be having with my mom right now that will be fine. I want you to call me once you get your job back. Now go get in the shower we need to sober you up." I stand up and Lindsay watches me until I reach the bathroom. I am about to shut the door when I hear her yell, "Oh and Sara."

"Yeah Linzz?"

"I've missed you."

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I enter the kitchen feeling a little better after my shower. I find Lindsay sitting at the kitchen table. Across from her is a plate containing toast and scrambled eggs with a cup of coffee. She points to the plate and says, "Eat."

I want to protest. Tell her that I'm not a little kid, but the truth is I've been acting like one, and Lindsay is right. Catherine comes first. I have all the time in the world to wallow in self pity, but by the sounds of it Catherine's getting worse by the day. Lindsay knew my weakness when she came here. Catherine. She knows I would give up my life for her, Catherine, or Jay. She knows me well enough to know if she got through to me I would do anything to fix this.

Can I fix this?

Can I hold off my insecurities long enough to help Catherine? Can I make her realize she doesn't need to do what she does to herself? Can I even go an hour without a beer? I have a feeling the answer to that right now is no, because my body is already screaming for alcohol again. I push the cravings aside for now. I sit and obey Lindsay's orders.

It seems the young Willows might have a temper to match her mom's.

The thought makes me involuntarily shiver. I can deal with Catherine most times, but can I deal with two of them at once? "So how are things going with Jay?"

"Could be better," Lindsay replies from behind the _People_ she is reading. "I'm hoping we can spend some time together alone before Mom gets home. We haven't had a lot of time to…"

"Please don't finish that sentence if it has anything to do with any physical part of your relationship that's not kissing."

"Okay I won't."

"Thanks." I don't want to think about how much the adorable, lost, little girl I gave my card to after her father died has grown up. To me Lindsay Willows will always be that cute little girl in need of a friend.

Well except in times like these when she is wise beyond her years.

I finish eating and Lindsay focuses her attention on me. "Remember to call me after you get the job back. I have no doubt that you will," she stands up and makes her way to the door. I follow her. I have to give this girl credit; she can be a genius. She can also motivate me. Sometimes. If not for Catherine I'm going to do this for Lindsay. I don't want to lose her. I thought I had, but maybe I haven't just yet. "Now I know my mother will be cold, she will push you away, she will try to hurt you, and she will attempt to ignore you. I know she can be stubborn and frustrating, and that you have had to deal with this before. I know you might want to give up. Hell I would give up after a certain point. You have two things I am telling you to think about during these times though." She pauses leaving me time to think about it. I don't try my hardest to come up with the answer, because I can tell she put a lot of thought into this before she came over, and she really wants to tell me.

"What?"

"The first thing is that I am telling you to find a way to fix this," Her tone is emotionless. Which coming from her is even more frightening than her anger. "But most importantly is that no matter what happens my mom loves you to death, and she wants nothing more than to be friends with you again."

And then she is gone.

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I take a deep breath to calm my nerves before stepping into the lab. This place holds so many memories. Some good, and some bad. At the moment though the only ones I can think of are those between Catherine and I. Glancing around I hope to catch sight of Catherine. That would mean she is pulling a double not off having sex with a random person.

The thought makes jealousy boil deep within me. I want to show her what love is like. I want her to know it can be so much better than quick fucks. I want to show her that not all people are horrible. She doesn't have to worry about being hit. She doesn't have to worry about being used only for her body. She doesn't have to be insecure at all. Some people can love her for her.

I smile at the receptionist. She looks familiar from when I would pull doubles or even triples, but the only receptionist I got to know was Judy. "Hi. I was wondering if Gil Grissom is in?" I know the answer to this. Gil hardly ever leaves the lab.

"Hold on one minute ma'am and I will check." I stand and wait. "Hi Dr. Grissom. You have a visitor at the front desk…okay…yep. I will tell her…okay…bye. He will out in a moment. Here is your visitors' pass. If you would like to, feel free to take a seat."

I am too nervous to sit. I left Grissom with only a letter and my resignation. I have no clue how he will react to me being here. Maybe he has already seen me and I spilled everything out to him. I wouldn't put it past myself when I am drunk. I can feel the receptionist watching me as I pace. I glance around the different labs wondering if anyone I know is still working right now besides Grissom.

I turn my attention back to the room just in time to lock eyes with Gil as he walks in. I stare into his dark blue eyes. Even though they can hold the same shades as Catherine's his eyes are nothing like hers. She has always left hers open and unguarded. They are vibrant and fun; at the same time loving and kind. There is so much to learn about Catherine without even speaking to her, and it is all there in the depths of those crystal blue pools. Grissom has always hidden his emotions fully. Showing that he would rather not get into personal business, and hinting that he lacks trust. If you get to know him well enough he will let his walls down and you can see more. But that takes years to happen and seconds to destroy. With Catherine it is instantaneous.

"Hey Gil." I try to smile.

"Sara," He says as he briefly nods.

Well this isn't awkward at all. "I was hoping we could talk in private. I heard Graveyard is still looking for a CSI."

"And you want the job back." I nod. "Let's talk about this in my office."

"Okay." I follow him in silence dreading when we will be completely alone.

I enter the room and close the door behind me. "Please take a seat." I glance around. His office isn't any less creepy or interesting since the last time I was in it. I shift my gaze back to Gil. "You are obviously the most qualified person who has wanted the job. You wouldn't need any training. We are very short on staff as usual. You would have to work hard, but I know you can do it. It is your old job so I don't see why I couldn't rehire you. I'm sure Ecklie will be thrilled to have you back," I can't help but smile in relief, and at his sarcasm. I swear I can see a small smile on his lips too. "As long as you forewarn me before you pull any vanishing acts again it looks like you have yourself a job. You start tonight. Met me in here and you can surprise the guys."

"Okay. Thank you Gil. Listen… I am really sorry about what I did. I hope that we can rebuild our friendship. I was wrong to just leave you. I'm sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to make things better."

"I'll move on Sara, and so will you. Right now we will remain professional, okay?"

"Of course." I hold out my hand to shake and he takes it.

"Can I ask you one thing though?" I nod. He looks unsure of himself. "What is going on between you and Catherine?" So he did see me when I came in. Shit.

"To be honest with you, I don't know. We kept in touch while I was away and we had become really good friends, but we had a fight."

"That would certainly explain the way she's been acting, and why she was lying." I don't want to be part of whatever is happening between Catherine and Grissom at the moment. I know a lot of it is probably my fault, but I'd rather not be in the middle if the shit hits the fan. I stand up and make my way to the door, "I'll see you tonight. I believe you know what time to be here." I turn and send him a small smile. I note that the edges of his lips are curled.

If I'm not mistaken Gil Grissom is happy to see me.

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I find myself in Gil's office once again. He told me he would be right back. He has gone to inform the team that a new CSI is joining them. I'm nervous about how Catherine will react to seeing me.

Pushing all of the things that could go wrong out of my mind I observe Gil's tarantula. I can vividly see Catherine's face in my mind every time she caught a glimpse of it. It was quite a hysterical expression. I remember having to stifle my laughter every time I saw that look.

I am brought out of my thoughts by Grissom clearing his throat. "Sara. You ready?"

"Yeah." I turn and follow him out of his office. I lock eyes with different lab techs and smile at them. They return the gesture. I am rather surprised to find that they look genuinely happy to see me. The blinds are down in the break room, but I manage to catch a glimpse of everyone. Warrick looks tired, but he is having fun with Nick and Greg on the X-box 360. Catherine is curled up reading a magazine on the couch. She appears worn out, and upset. She is hiding more than she is showing.

"Okay guys. Remember, be nice." I can hear Grissom telling the guys. He motioned for me to stay out in the hall for a few minutes.

"Come on Gris you know we will be." I can hear Warrick say.

"Yeah Grissom. Don't worry. Now let us meet the fresh meat… I mean new CSI," Laughter fills the break room at Nick's words. I decide now is my time to make an appearance.

As I walk in I begin to talk. "Well I hope you guys won't treat me like fresh meat… again."

"Sara!" Greg rushes toward me and I let out a squeal as he lifts me off my feet.

"Hey Greggo. I take it you're happy to see me."

"Am I ever! I think Catherine is on the verge of biting my head off if I flirt with her anymore." I chuckle lightly.

"Awww Greg don't let her get to you. I'll let you in on a little secret," I lower my voice, but still make sure it is loud enough for Catherine to here. "She really likes it. The thing is though she doesn't realize she really is as beautiful as you tell her she is." I lock eyes with Catherine. Her expression is empty, but she holds my gaze. "Now Greg ,put me down!"

"Yeah Greg stop hogging her," Nick says with mock jealousy.

Once I am on the ground Nick pulls me into a bear hug. His voice is barely audible, but I catch what he is saying to me. "It's good to see your in a better state than the last time I saw you.

"You didn't tell anyone did you?" I whisper in an equally hushed tone.

"Nah. You secret is safe with me Sar, and with Catherine." I suppress a groan. Could I have been any more stupid?

"Thanks."

Letting go of Nick I am pulled into another bear hug by Warrick. "I've missed you girl."

"Missed you too Rick. Now stop being all sappy you're going to make me cry." He chuckles and lets go of me.

"Hey I'm allowed to be sappy sometimes."

"I know you are. You're really just a big teddy bear right?"

"Speaking of people being all lovey dovey lately. I know you two haven't always gotten along, but I'm sure you could get a hug from Catherine too," Greg interrupts.

I put on a small smile as I attempt to act like I find Greg's statement funny. The whole room has gone silent. I know everyone is waiting to see what happens. They've all seen our fights. They all know we have a notorious history of not being on speaking terms. They're not waiting to see what happens they're dying to see what happens. Even Grissom.

All of my uncertainties come crashing down on me at full force. Catherine and I remain in our spots; eyes locked. Feeling four pairs of eyes on me I move over to the couch and sit next to Catherine. We look away from each other.

"Assignments!" Nick practically shouts.

Thank God. Everyone's attention is diverted from the two of us. Grissom gets to work handing out cases.

I glace back over at Catherine. I don't know what to say to her, and she seems to be struggling with the same problem. I guess I should acknowledge her. That would be a start.

"Catherine," I say quietly not wanting to draw attention back to us.

"Sara," she replies. I sigh and tune into what Gil is saying.

"Catherine, Sara your with me. Triple homicide."

My head snaps up and I catch Grissom's eye. I look at him like he has sentenced me to death.

* * *

TBC...


	21. Chapter 21

**EDITED.

* * *

**

Catherine's POV

Sara's back.

I thought there wasn't another opportunity. She always makes me believe there isn't going to be another chance. Then she comes back. She lets me in. She calls a truce. What we have is never really over. It's never goodbye forever.

There is time for change. Slow and progressive.

For now though there is no us. There is no friendship. There is no relationship. It is Sara and I. Two separate people with two separate lives. Lives that intersect at a common ground; work.

That is how she reentered my life. My life and my broken heart. At work. She hasn't left my mind. Her presence around me has remained strong for the past three weeks. I was beginning to move on. Push her away. Rid myself of the memories she left me.

I'm not certain what I feel. Joy? Anger? Sorrow? Desire? Lust? Love? Or a combination of these that creates a concoction so powerful that it simply leaves me numb…

We are a few blocks away from the scene. Gil is driving and Sara is in the back seat. Gil hasn't talked to me about anything that doesn't pertain to work since Sara showed up at the lab drunk. Sara has only acknowledged my presence in the break room. I can tell she doesn't know what to say. Neither do I.

I flip the mirror in front of me down and proceed to quickly check my makeup. I lock eyes with Sara in the mirror and a small smile grazes her lips. I snap it shut with a stoic expression. A voice in my head continues to whisper _not again._

Up ahead a swarm of media blocks the street. Flashing blue and red lights engulf the perimeter. I can see Brass standing waiting for us next to a man covered in blood. Jim doesn't know Sara is back yet. He will be thrilled to see her and Sara to see him.

At the sight of the man next to Brass I grab the information we have and skim over it. Four words stick out. _Possible domestic abuse involved_. Sara. If she suspects any hints of abuse she is going to become engrossed in this case. "Gil who's Lead CSI on this case?"

"Me. Unless you want to be?"

"I ne… I want to be lead."

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"What the fuck Catherine!" I sigh. I knew it was coming. Best to play ignorant in this situation. I gaze over at Sara when I stop at a red light. Grissom sensed trouble and decided to make himself invisible in the back seat. He is probably regretting making me the Lead CSI.

I watch Sara's jaw flex in anger. "What have I done Sara?"

I start to drive again. "You know exactly what you've done Catherine. It is what you _always_ do. Flaunt you're seniority."

"That is not what I was doing," I reply with the same forceful tone.

"Oh yeah? Then please tell me what you were attempting to do when you interrupted my questioning of Jones, and sent me to process the perimeter."

"There were hints of long term domestic abuse, and I didn't want you to get too involved and forceful with Jones!" I had ordered Sara to process Peter Jones on the porch with Brass, and then entered the house with Gil to discover two badly beaten children dead in their rooms, and the wife beaten and stabbed to death in the living room. When it comes to children we all get defensive and emotional. Throw in domestic abuse and it's possible that Sara's guilt would have pushed her way beyond her limits.

"So you are telling me you do not believe me to be capable of doing my job!?! You think I can't remain objective!"

"That's not at all what I was thinking then, and is not what I am thinking now Sara!"

"Next time just let me do my job Catherine and I'll let you do yours."

"I'm sorry for CARING ABOUT YOU!" I can see a million emotions flashing across Sara's face out of the corner of my eye. She remains silent and stares out of the window.

I pull into the parking lot and Grissom practically dives out of the car before I finish parking. I notice Sara has turned her attention back to me. I lock eyes with her. I've missed their chocolaty depths. "What?" I snap.

"Thank you," she says quietly before leaving me alone in the Tahoe.

I turn off the engine and get out hoping to catch Sara, but she has already gone inside with her evidence.

Grissom is standing waiting for me. I grab my evidence out of the back and walk over to him. "Well that could have been worse. I think you two have made progress."

I send him a look that clearly states I believe he has lost his mind.

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"You going out again tonight Cath?" Nick's voice comes from behind me.

"I'm planning on it," I reply as I continue to use the mirror in my locker to apply makeup.

"Well you're looking smoking as usual girl. Have fun. See you guys later." A chorus of 'bye Rick's' follow him out the door.

"See ya Cath." I turn and send Nick and Greg a smile as they walk out of the room. The only person I have yet to see before leaving is Sara. She has been avoiding me at all possible costs after our argument in the car. We have worked in silence when forced to work together which means we have moved along on the case nicely.

Still a kick ass team as always. _Two sharp women are better than one._ Even sharper if we are talking.

Luckily Grissom is talking to me again so I haven't been bored out of my mind. I don't know what changed his mind. I'm guessing it has to be something Sara said to him, because no matter how many times I tried to explain what is going on between Sara and I he wouldn't listen. He assumed it is a lovers' quarrel.

Grabbing my purse I head toward the door. Being too lost in my thoughts I don't notice Sara until I'm about to run right into her. She is standing in the doorway blocking it. I can't look her in the eye. "Sara you're blocking the doorway."

"Don't go out tonight."

"Excuse me!?!" I try to move past her, but she shifts her body.

"You heard me. Don't go out tonight. Go spend some time with Lindsay before she has to go to school."

"You can't tell me what to do Sara. You forfeited that right the moment you stopped our friendship."

"I'm not telling you; I'm asking you," Her tone is quieter. Caring. Our bodies are too close. I can feel the heat she's causing in me traveling downward. I can smell her sweet sent. It still has its calming effect on me. I try to ignore it, but it is invading my senses.

"Only this one time. Please Catherine." I can feel my heart bleeding for the woman in front of me once again.

"Why are you doing this Sara? Why can't you just let me go?" Sara takes a deep breath. I can tell she is thinking about how to answer all of my questions.

"Because I care about you." I gaze upward and immediately regret my actions. As our eyes lock the emotions in those dark pools are overwhelming. Love. Concern. Guilt. "Please Cat," she whispers.

I have never been able to say no to Sara. Not easily. Not directly. "Okay."

"You won't go out?" Her voice is full of skepticism and disbelief. She was prepared for a fight. I would have been to.

But Sara's not just anyone. Not to me. I can't say no.

"Yeah. I won't go out. Not tonight." Sara moves to the side and I brush against her as I leave. Not looking back. Not listening to the tiny voice inside me screaming _not again._

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It's been a while since I've been the one to wake Linzz up in the morning. I have to admit that I miss it. Sitting on the bed next to her I smile at her peaceful expression. I hate to be the one to wipe it off her face, but Lindsay takes a while to get ready for school.

I sent my mom home for some rest in her own bed. She refuses to sleep in my bed insisting that I will come home after work each night and want to sleep in it. So she sleeps on the couch. Which while comfortable for naps isn't comfortable to sleep on all night, every night.

I place my hand on Lindsay's shoulder. "Linzz sweetie, it's time to wake up."

She opens her eyes briefly, and then they shoot back open. Glancing at me she looks around the room with an expression of confusion. When her eyes return to me she is still just as confused. "Mom?"

I can't help but chuckle. My little girl is too cute sometimes. "Yeah Linzz?"

"What are you doing here? You are usually at a bar. Are you feeling okay? Did something happen at work?"

"No." I think of Sara. That is something, but not the something she is concerned about at the moment. "Nothing happened at work. Why? You don't like to see me first thing in the morning?"

She rolls her eyes, "Of course I like to see you in the morning." I sit watching her as she thinks, and then a light in her eyes alerts me that something has clicked.

"You should get dressed. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Ummm what about pancakes?" She asks looking unsure of her request.

"With chocolate chips?" She nods a small smile touching her lips. "Chocolate chip pancakes it is."

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I turn as I hear Lindsay stumbling down the stairs. "You're looking a little more awake."

She smiles at me and sits down at the table. "You're looking a little too sexy for work. Why aren't you at the bar?"

"I wanted to spend some time with you." Partial truth. I hear Lindsay's cell phone vibrating. I turn back to the stove, but listen intently.

"Hello? Hey!...Yep with me right now. Okay…oh hey, thank you…well you needed it. I don't have any more ideas on how to fix it though. It's up to you to figure it out now…I've tried. Okay. I'll talk to you later. I love you too. Bye."

Well that was rather cryptic. Since she said I love you there are only a few people it could be. I'm going to go with the most likely choice. Her girlfriend. "Jay?" I ask as I pass Lindsay her plate.

"Ummm. Yeah, yeah it was Jay." I glance at her. She is avoiding my eyes. Which most likely means it wasn't. I dismiss the thought of interrogating her when she asks, "So what did you think about Sara being back at work?" How did she…? Do I want to know?

"Ummm. I'm not certain yet. How did you know Sara is back at work? I hadn't said anything."

"Oh ummm right." Her face is covered with guilt.

"Lindsay Willows what did you do?"

"Nothing… these are good pancakes."

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Setting my beer down on the coffee table I get up to answer the door. Opening it there is a man standing in front of me holding a bouquet of flowers. "Catherine Willows?"

"Yes."

"These are for you." He hands me the flowers then turns around and leaves. I stand in the doorway looking down at the flowers; puzzled. Maybe there was a mistake at the flower shop. I have no one that would be sending me flowers. Closing the door I search for the card. Finding it I set the flowers in the middle of the kitchen table. Opening the small envelope I read. _Thank you for keeping your word to me and not going out.-Sara_

How did she know I didn't go out? I understand her thinking that I only said I wouldn't go to get her to let me through. Her idea of me spending time with Lindsay this morning was much more appealing than spending it with a stranger.

'Yeah with me right now.' Lindsay. She was talking to Sara this morning. No wonder she didn't tell me who she was talking to. She was uncertain what my reaction would be. I assumed she wasn't talking to Sara. I haven't tried to stop her, but when I asked her before if she was Lindsay seem extremely mad at Sara. I guess Linzz has gotten over whatever was bothering her.

Does this mean Sara wants to give our friendship another chance? Is that why she came back to work? For me? It's the only place she would see me if she chose to. I don't think it is. I'm not good enough a reason. Then what for? To see the guys again? I know it's not to rekindle what she had with Grissom. She told me it wasn't the right kind of love on her part. For what?

For us?

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"Catherine and Sara you have a suspicious circs." What the hell is Gil trying to do? Cause me to die of misery? I haven't said anything to Sara about the flowers. I don't know what to say. Sara hasn't anything to me either. She hasn't even sent a glance my way. I've sent plenty her way.

No matter how much I hate it, in a way I am still attached to Sara. After everything I still want to be with her. I want to be her friend. I miss her. The feeling of completeness I get with only her hand. The smiles she can bring to my face. The way she loves Lindsay and Jay as her own. I miss everything about Sara, but clearly she doesn't seem to be having the same dilemma I'm having.

Sara takes the slip Grissom passes her and walks out of the room without a word to me. I guess that's my cue to follow her so that we can get to the scene. "Good luck," Greg whispers as I pass him. I stop next to him pretending to tie my shoe when I can tell he has more he wants to say. "She's in a bad mood today. I think she woke up on the wrong side of the bed with a hangover." Lucky me.

"Thanks for the heads up," I whisper back before rushing out of the room to catch up with Sara. If Sara has a hangover that most likely means she has not slowed down her drinking schedule at all. Now she just fits it around work. I was hoping her being in the lab would help her with her problem, but that was obviously wishful thinking.

I come to a stop at Sara's side. She has been waiting for me outside the lab. We stand eyes locked. "Thanks for the flowers Sara they were beautiful."

She nods. "You ready to go?" She asks before walking away not waiting for my reply. This is going to be a long shift.

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After a stressful shift I am looking forward to going out and unwinding. Taking one last glance in the mirror I start turn to grab my purse and notice Sara. Leaning against the doorframe. I walk toward her and she doesn't budge. Her quiet voice reaches my ears, "Don't go out tonight."

"Well now someone feels like talking."

"Catherine, please don't go out."

"Why should I listen to you Sara? You said yesterday 'only this one time.'" I've moved closer to her; preparing to force my way out of the locker room. She's not talking me out of this today. She might have yesterday, but not today. I need it too much.

Working with Sara has brought back all of my feelings for her. I had begun to bury them. Preparing to store them away and ignore them for the rest of my life. I know I can never have Sara. The thought is torture. I will have to settle for the next best thing. "Just this one time, please Cat." Cat. Something special between Sara and I. If she wasn't Sara I would bite her head off for calling me that.

"Why is this so important to you Sara? It's my life and if I fuck it up it's really not your problem. Not anymore."

"Going out is hurting you Catherine. Am I wrong?" I open my mouth to reply, but I know she is right so I close it. I cross my arms over my chest. Rushing to put all of my walls up. Sara gets to me. She can penetrate all of my defenses, but I won't let her without putting up a fight. "I don't want to see you hurting anymore than you already are Catherine."

"Why?" I know her answer, but I need to hear it from her. I need reassurance that not all is lost. I need her to admit she still has some kind of feelings for me no matter how little. Even if it is anger at least I know I am not dead to her. I still exist somewhere inside of her.

"Because I care about you Cat."

I nod, and look her straight in the eyes. " I won't go out."

I'm giving in. No isn't an option when it comes to Sara. I know she won't give up if I tell her no. She will continue until she gets a yes. No matter how long it takes. She pushes my boundaries. Knowingly and not knowing. To make things better, and make me a better person. I know she has her reasons. Just like I used to have my reasons to push her. Those reasons have morphed though, into something different. Unfamiliar territory that I have to discover as I go along.

Sara moves without another word.

Walking down the hall I chance a look back at Sara. She is standing watching me glumly. Our eyes meet. I send her a small, sad smile not attempting to hide my despair.

As I exit the lab the little voice inside is whispering _don't let her in. Not again._

* * *

TBC...


	22. Chapter 22

**EDITED

* * *

**

**Sara's POV**

"Get the fuck out of my way!" Catherine's voice is dripping with venom.

"No. Not until you promise you won't go out."

"Why in God's name do you keep doing this!?!" I have been meeting Catherine at the door of the locker room for the past week. It's become a habit. One that helps Catherine and one that allows me to have five minutes of personal time with her alone. Last time I checked Catherine didn't mind it. Tonight though, tonight something has changed. Catherine is fuming. I want to comfort her, ask her what is wrong, hold her in my arms and take all of the pain away, but right now I am the last person she would let do any of those things.

"Because I care about you." That is the answer that makes her look at me. The truth makes her notice me. Not tonight though. It seems to only fuel her bad mood. I glance around the locker room and catch Greg's eye. I have informed all of the guys of the situation between Catherine and me leaving out the intimate details. They approve of what I am trying to do. I send Greg a pleading look and he nods.

"Catherine! Let's go to breakfast. The whole team." He walks up behind her and links his arm with hers preventing her from escaping. I follow them out of the locker room.

"Greg I'm not really in the mood."

"Nonsense! You can ride with me and Sara will drive your car. She rode in with me this morning." I observe as Greg's hand slides around Catherine's back and slips into her purse. He looks back at me and tosses me her keys as he sends me a wink. "Sara get the guys even Gris. Tell them that we are having breakfast and it's mandatory."

"Will do Greggo," I say relived that he saved me before Catherine strangled me with her bare hands.

I take off in search of Nick, Warrick, and Grissom. I find Nick, and Warrick putting away their evidence for the shift. "Hey guys."

"Hey Sar. What's up?" Nick asks.

"Mandatory breakfast with the team. You ready to go?"

"Ummm sure why?"

"Cheering up Cath." Nick glances at Warrick and he nods.

"Alright we're in."

"Good 'cause I wasn't going to take no for an answer."

"We figured."

"Do you know where I can find Gris?"

"Whoa pulling out the big guns! This must be some mood," Warrick remarks smiling at me. "Try his office. We'll wait for you out front."

"I've got to bring Catherine's car. You guys go ahead. You might need to call Greg and see where he is going. He's taken Catherine against her will." The mental image my statement creates causes all three of us to chuckle.

"Once we find out I'll let you know."

"Thanks Nicky."

I leave them to finish up and head off toward Grissom's office. Sure enough I find Gris sitting at his desk in his office. "Hey Gil."

"Sara," he says without looking up.

"We're having a team breakfast, and you need to be there."

"Does this have anything to do with Catherine?"

"Yeah. She seems really upset. We're going to attempt to cheer her up."

"I noticed something was off in her demeanor at the beginning of shift."

"Do you want to ride with me in Cath's car? You can drive." I remember he use to always want to drive when it was just the two of us.

"Sure." I send him a small smile. He surprised me with his attitude toward me. I figure he would be closed off and hurt. On the contrary he has seemed overjoyed to have me back on the team. Warrick said he thinks Grissom is relieved that I am safe and back to where he can keep an eye on me.

I wait and we walk down the hall together in a comfortable silence.

I am sitting staring out the window as Grissom drives to our destination.

"Sara can I ask you something?"

"Sure?" I am unsure of what is coming.

"It has always been Catherine hasn't it?" I sit speechless.

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Glancing around the diner I notice Catherine, Greg, Warrick, and Nick sitting in our usual booth. I also note that Greg and Nick have boxed Catherine in at the end of the booth so she couldn't escape. I think Gil noticed it too because he lets out a light chuckle behind me.

Moving over to them Greg who is sitting on the right instantly gets up and pushes me in so that I am forced to sit at the end beside Catherine. Nick then move so Grissom can sit to Catherine's other side. I don't know how we manage to fit everyone in the small wrap around booth but we do. Warrick has offered to sit at the end in a chair so that we can spread out more. I am immensely grateful for his idea, because every time I accidently brush up against Catherine a pleasant tingling sensation fills me. Not to mention I can sense the hostility rolling off of Catherine.

The waitress comes and takes all of our orders for beverages and then leaves us alone. Everyone breaks into little groups to talk about nothing in particular. I can hear Nick and Warrick talking about sports while Catherine and Grissom discuss Lindsay. Greg is filling me in on the events that have occurred between him and his newest girlfriend.

Our drinks come and I can feel Catherine's disapproving glare as I pick up my beer to take a sip of it. Before the bottle meets my lips she has yanked it out of my hand. I watch as she says to Grissom, "Pass that down to the end please." No matter how much I try to ignore it I can feel anger boiling within me. Catherine replaces my beer with the orange juice she ordered with her coffee. She does all of this without a glance at me so I cannot judge her emotions. I know her distance is on purpose and it fills me with guilt.

"What did you do that for?"

Keeping her eyes on Grissom she replies, "I'll pay for it." That wasn't the point, and I am certainly not going to let her pay for it, but the whole purpose of this breakfast is to lift Catherine's spirits so I am not going to pick a fight with her.

I realize the whole table is holding their breath waiting for my reaction I mumble, "No you won't," as I shrug.

I turn back to Greg hoping he will break the tension, but he doesn't have to because our waitress reappears to see if we are now ready to order.

I am half way through my meal when I notice Catherine is just pushing her food around on her plate. She seems to be in a better mood so I nudge her with my arm. She looks at me and I nod toward her plate not wanting to get everyone's attention and cause them to worry. I lock eyes with her, and try to convey how I am feeling. I'm concerned. I feel guilty, but above all I miss Catherine. I miss spending time with her and the girls. I miss holding her hand, and the feeling of her in my arms.

She breaks eye contact first. To my relief she begins to eat her food.

"So Sara," Greg says loudly so that all of the other conversations at our table stop, and all attention is on him. "Rumor at the lab is you have your eye on someone. Not just someone, but a woman." I can see Catherine's eyes race to gauge my reaction. "If you end up hooking up with her do you think I could watch?"

I slap Greg across the back of the head. "Pervert… I'm going to talk to someone else now. "

I turn to Catherine, and can still feel everyone's eyes on me. I take a sip of my orange juice as Catherine says, "So can I watch too?" It takes all of my restraint not to send my orange juice flying across the table. Everyone else is laughing. I would be too if I wasn't still in shock. Swallowing my drink I can't help but smile at Catherine.

She returns my gesture with a flirtatious smile of her own. "Are you telling me you don't want to join in Catherine?" I watch her jaw drop and I smirk. I raise my eyebrow as I figure out that she doesn't have a reply. I look away from her and return to finishing my food. With a lighter heart, and more of a carefree atmosphere between Catherine and I.

As the guys start to leave I realize I don't have a ride home. "Ummmm hey you guys can any of you give me a ride home?"

I glance around and note Grissom giving the guys a peculiar look. I have no doubt what he is signaling them to do, and I am tempted to throw something at him. They all reply that they are busy, or taking someone home except Catherine who apparently didn't pick up on Grissom's look. I don't think she was supposed to. I have a suspicious feeling this is another one of Gil's plans to get Catherine and I together alone.

I catch Gil's eye and roll my eyes at him showing him I caught on to what he was doing. "Hey Cat?" I ask cautiously.

"Yeah?"

"What about you? You wouldn't be able to give me a ride home would you?"

"Sure. I needed to talk to you about something so this actually works out well." If I wasn't nervous before I sure the hell am now.

She needs to talk to me. That can't be good. Before leaving I give all of the guys hugs and Catherine does the same. I am shocked to find myself in a tight embrace from Gil. "Good luck," he whispers in my ear.

"I wouldn't need it if you hadn't instructed everyone to refuse to give me a ride home." He chuckles and I slap him lightly on the arm my tone a little louder than before, "It's not funny." I pull away from him and observe Catherine's eyes on us. I send her a small smile, which it seems to erase some of the doubt on her face.

"Are you ready to go?" Catherine asks quietly. I nod and follow her to her car.

Taking a deep breath and get in the car. Prepared for the worse.

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Catherine and I are sitting outside of my apartment in her car. She hasn't said a word the whole ride here and I figured it was best that I let her think. Not to mention I needed to do some thinking of my own. "Do you want to come in," I can hear the insecurity in my tone that was not meant to be there. If Catherine picked up on it she doesn't say anything about it; instead she nods.

Opening the door I let Catherine in before me. She walks into the place with familiarity. I almost run into her as she stops dead in her tracks. Following her stare I begin to mentally kick myself. I haven't picked up my living room in a while. Beer and hard liquor bottles litter the place.

I glance at Catherine and see the worry written in her features. "Cat." She turns her attention to me but the concern only increases as she faces me. "It's not as bad as it looks."

She skeptically raises her eyebrows, "Really? Tell me how long this has been accumulating." Lying to her is no use she can see right through me.

"About a week." If possible the concern on her face increases even more.

"Jesus Christ, Sara!" Ashamed. Ashamed and guilty. I motion for her to sit on the couch.

"Do you want some coffee?" She shakes her head no so I sit beside her. "What do you want to talk to me about?"

"I wanted to ask you for a favor. I know things aren't the best between us so I understand if you say no, or if you can't." She seems unsure of herself.

"What is it Cath?"

"I know it is a lot to ask of you, but I can't find anybody else to do it, and I thought that you would enjoy it. So I was wondering if you could watch Lindsay and Jay next weekend. I have a conference I have to go to. Apparently I'm the only one that hasn't filled the yearly requirement already."

"I would love to."My mood lifts. I am ecstatic that I will get to spend time with the girls.

"Under one condition." I knew there would be at least one and I have a feeling I know what it is.

"No drinking while you are watching them, or in my house for that matter." I knew it. I can do that though as long I get to see Lindsay and Jay. Catherine appears nervous. I bet she assumes I will now refuse to watch them.

"Okay."

"Really?" She looks relieved.

"Really." A smile touches her lips and I let one graze my own lips. "So what do you say? Do you have time for a cup of coffee?"

"I guess one couldn't hurt. That is if I'm not imposing."

"Of course you're not." I start the coffee pot, and turn when I hear Catherine enter the room. I observe as she digs out a trash bag from under the sink. I know the drill well enough by now. Instead of going through my cupboards and fridge though Catherine goes straight into the living room and begins to clean up the mess.

I return to the other room to discover Catherine sitting on the couch watching TV. I pass her, her drink and sit next to her making sure I leave some space between us. "You need to stop drinking so much Sara. It's not safe or healthy."

"I know." I don't know what else to say. I know I drink a lot, but I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I'm addicted to the numbness it brings me.

"You're tone leads me to believe you're not actually going to do anything about it."

"Well you're right."

"I stopped going to bars for you. What if I asked you not to drink?"

"It's not that easy." I can see her gazing at me out of the corner of my eye as she thinks.

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Closing the door I sigh. Catherine was adamant that we were going to discuss my drinking. I tried to veer her off course, but without prevail. I wanted to talk about lighter things. I wanted to work on bringing our friendship back to where it was before, but Catherine had other ideas. True to her word Catherine only stayed until she finished her cup of coffee.

Looking around the place it feels empty. I miss Catherine's company even when she is badgering me. Her presence makes me feel complete, and I know even if a relationship doesn't form I can live with being friends no matter how depressing the thought is, because Catherine will still be around. I can still feel complete. I have been trying to fill Catherine's space in my hear t with alcohol, but she has made it clear that I might have more of a chance to fix things if I stop drinking so much. For now though I have alcohol and work.

I can't wait to see Lindsay and Jay. I have missed them tremendously. I hope Lindsay isn't going to attempt to fix things again while I am over, because my ass hurt for two days after she pushed me and I fell.

Picking up the full trash bag Catherine left in my living room I decide to take it to the dumpster. Opening the door I go outside. The crisp, cool morning air greets me. Soon the sun will warm everything and the unwelcoming heat will come. Until then the cool air will remain a refreshing change. Walking over to the dumpster I notice Catherine's car is still here. I walk toward it and note that Catherine is sitting staring off into space inside. Lightly I knock on the window not wanting to frighten her.

She jumps then opens her door so she can hear me. "You know? In order to go home you actually have to start the car." I smiles shyly at me.

"I was working on it. Just thinking."

"I see? Anything you want to talk about?" She seems astounded that I am asking her if she wants to talk. Apparently I care about you doesn't seem to include I worry about how you are doing. I can't blame her though I would have the same expression on if she had asked me if I needed to talk too. "I care about you Cat. That means that I worry about you."

"I know. I just figured… well I'm not really sure."

"I understand. So do you want to talk?" I can't suppress the smile forming as she sends me one that lights up her whole face.

"I...I don't know if I can. Not about what I was just thinking. Not yet."

"Okay," I reply trying to convey that I understand through my eyes.

"So I'll see you at work?"

"It's actually my night off."

"Oh, okay," her tone is disappointed. "I'll see you tomorrow night then."

"Yeah. See you."

I wait for her to pull out before I go back up to my apartment. I head for the fridge and take out a beer. I look at it, and put it back.

For once I don't want one.

* * *

TBC...


	23. Chapter 23

**EDITED**

* * *

Catherine's POV

If I could remember the all of times I attempted to give away my heart that number would be significant. Remembering the times my heart left my possession the amount is noteworthy. Once. Being closed off made things simpler. When I walked in on my lovers cheating on me I felt pain, but not a pain that ran deep into the soul. I could move on. I had already known it would happen, and I had already I accepted that I was no more than someone to fuck.

Even with Eddie my heart was never all there. Then there was Sara. I allowed Sara to take my heart. I allowed her to walk all over it. Break it, and never return it. Still she holds it. She has had it without my knowledge since the first day I laid eyes on her and she always will posses my heart.

Every time I force myself to rid my mind, heart, and soul of the emotions and sensations she triggers within me something happens. I cannot let her go. She re-enters my dreams and thoughts. She haunts my every waking moment. When she leaves the reality hits me: she can never vanish. She is never really gone. I hear her voice in the darkness. I feel her touch grazing my skin. Her laughter follows me. Her destruction is evident every time I look in the mirror.

I stare at someone I don't recognize. Eyes dull. Full of sadness and hopelessness. Dark circles, sunken features. Self- loathing is written in every expression, every line, and every movement. Every time I catch a glance of myself I want to be sick. I am disgusted I have let the people I love reduce me into so little. To someone who lives only because she has to.

I berate myself for needing someone the way I need Sara. For choosing someone who is virtually unavailable, and unattainable in every way.

I promised myself not again. I would not let Sara break me again. Day after day I discover my feelings seeping back into me. My pure love growing. For Sara. With these returning emotions I want to break my promise to myself. I feel the urge to let Sara in. Give her another opportunity.

All I have to do is remember. Remember, and I will know why I can never have my heart back.

Yesterday my feelings for Sara had reached their zenith. I converted all of those emotions to anger, because I could not deal with them in any other form. When Sara told me she cared it only provided fuel for my anger. She didn't realize what she was doing to me. She never will.

I enjoyed yesterday. I realized exactly how much I missed spending time with Sara. How much I longed to spend time with her.

I sigh and sit down on the bench in the locker room. Today was Sara's night off. Therefore she will not be here for our five minutes after shift. I am craving a drink. Craving the sensation of alcohol burning my throat. Craving the moment I can let go of everything and be free. If only for a morning. If only for a quick fuck in bed with a stranger.

Lindsay's face floats into my thoughts. She has seemed happier lately. She has been more affectionate toward me, and I can tell she has avoided fighting. I have loved seeing her in the morning. Spending time with her alone, or with Jay. Guilt fills my conscious at the fact that for a moment I had the fleeting thought of spending my time with someone other than my daughter.

Still the craving pulls at me. Begs me. Reminds me of the numbness. Reminds me of the brief pleasure. The momentary fulfillment. The temporary loss of my ache for Sara. An escape from my life, and all of the expectations it holds for me. All of the expectations I cannot come close to fulfilling.

"Promise you won't go out. Just this once," says a quiet voice from the doorway. Sara.

I cannot suppress the smile that forms on my lips at the sound of her voice. I turn and meet her dark brown eyes, "What are you doing here? It's your night off."

She shrugs. I close my locker and walk up to her. I can't help wanting to be closer to her. "I couldn't miss our meeting after shift could I?" Sara replies with a shy smile. "I was thinking that maybe…I mean if you're not busy… if you want to…that we could go out to breakfast," uncertainty laces her words.

"I would like that. I have to get the girls to school first though. Is that okay?" I can feel my knees going weak at the smile she is sending me.

"Of course. So do you want to meet in an hour, or what do you want to do?"

"Why don't you follow me to my place and we can take one car to breakfast."

"Sounds good to me. " I go to move past Sara and she blocks me. "You still haven't promised."

"And you still haven't told me why I should." I gaze up at her letting a small smile graze my lips. "Why should I Sara," my words come out in barely more than a whisper.

"Because I care about you. What do you say? Promise you won't go out?"

"No need to worry it seems I have plans this morning. I promise." She moves aside her eyes full of happiness and love.

If I think about it I realize this is the first time I've seen Sara truly happy. No distractions, no addictions.

Happy.

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I open my front door and allow Sara to enter before me. I press my finger to my lips and point to my mother's slumbering form on the couch. Sara nods and follows me down the hallway. "I'll wake up Jay, and you can wake up Linzz." She again nods with eagerness written on her face.

I know she has missed Lindsay. She doesn't have to tell me. I can see the way she loves my daughter like her own, and I could never ask for more from her.

I make my way to the guest room which has been transformed into Jay's bedroom. She stays here so often I told her she could sleep in there. Not to mention once I was certain that she and Lindsay were together I didn't want them sleeping in the same room.

Opening the door I smile as I tune into all the different ways Jay has made this room hers. Posters cover almost every inch of the walls. The bed spread has been changed to a black comforter with red pillow cases and sheets. A desk has appeared in the room over night, and a rather large stereo is sitting on top of the dresser.

Sitting on the edge of the bed I lightly shake the sleeping girl beside me. "Jay sweetheart, time to wake up." A groan and incoherent sentence fill to room. I chuckle, and kiss the top of her head. "Get up." More mumbling comes from Jay. I am struggling to decipher what she is trying to say when she opens her eyes. "Morning sleepyhead."

"Morning. You look happy today."

"Do I?" She weakly nods her head as if it takes up too much energy. As she sits up I watch the look of concentration on her face.

"Who else is here?" I let a small smile slip.

"Sara." Jay sends me a full blown smile and jumps out of bed.

"Well I will have to tell you that more often. That was a much easier task then I thought it would be." She giggles and then rushes out of the room.

I get up and follow her. Standing in the doorframe I watch as Jay sneaks up behind Sara and wraps her arms around the slender brunette. Sara turns and pulls Jay into her arms."Hey sweetie! How have you been?"

"Good," Jay replies with a smile. "How about you?"

"Busy." I note the love in Sara's features as she talks to Jay and the love that remains on her face when she turns back to Lindsay.

I could never find a better person to be in their lives.

I catch Lindsay's eye. She is beaming. Crossing the room I sit on the bed and place a kiss on Lindsay's forehead. "Hey baby. Sleep well?" She nods. I can see that she is searching my face for clues to how I am feeling. I put on a mask so she won't be able to see the turmoil of emotions in my mind. I send her a small smile and wink. Lindsay relaxes. She knows part of the truth. She knows that part of me is happy. Part of me is ecstatic that Sara is here.

I stand up and start to walk out of the room. "Oh. What do you girls want for breakfast?" I can feel Sara's eyes on my back.

I gaze back at them over my shoulder. Jay and Lindsay look at one another then reply, "Waffles," in unison.

"Okay. Sara do you want some coffee while you're waiting?"

"No thanks." That is a first. Sara Sidle turning down a fix of coffee. Walking to the kitchen with Sara close behind me the scent of freshly brewed coffee reaches me.

I step into the room and find my mom sitting at the table. "Morning Mom."

"Catherine." My mom glances up at me and then returns to the news paper in her hand. I watch as her eyes dart back up and land on Sara. A kind smile rests on Mom's lips. She has met Sara multiple times and has even helped Sara with a case. Good thing she doesn't know about my attraction to Sara or Mom would instantly morph into the ice queen around her. "Sara dear! How are you?" Well at least my mom knows how to let my friends know she cares.

I roll my eyes and make my way to the fridge. Half listening to the conversation around me. "Lily! It is great to see you again! I'm doing pretty well. Keeping busy with work. How have you been?"

And Sara says she's not a people person. She can defiantly be a people person when she wants to be.

"I've been alright dear," I hear Mom's chair scrape against the floors as she gets up and most likely envelops Sara in a hug. I don't turn around. I'm not jealous. I only wish Mom could bring herself to show me affection sometimes. I know I am constantly disappointing her, and the only reason she watches Lindsay for me is because she loves her granddaughter with all of her heart.

Lindsay and Jay have obviously been smart enough to hide their relationship around Mom or she would have a fit. Maybe that is one of the things she handles differently when it doesn't have to do with me. I don't know.

My mother confuses the hell out of me.

I make sure Mom can't see me as a devilish smile appears on my face. I've had an idea. I walk up behind Sara who has taken a seat at the table and place my hand on her shoulder. Sara looks up at me. Confusion clearly written on her features. I send her a reassuring smile while I closely watch my mother out of the corner of my eye trying to gauge her reaction. I let my lips find Sara's ear and whisper, "You certain you don't want any coffee?"

When I move away Sara seems as shocked as ever. Her eyes are wide searching my face for what is going on. I haven't touched her willingly since before the kiss. I don't blame her for being lost. I note that my mother's lips are pursed in disapproval.

"Sara coffee?" I smirk as she blinks and shakes her head.

"No…no I'll wait until we go out." Her choice of words is perfect. My mother looks as if she is about to make a snappy remark, but she doesn't have time as the girls enter the room. I watch as their hands quickly come apart. Lindsay shoves her hand in her pocket, and Jay puts hers behind her back. I smile at them and wink. That was close.

Mom would have had a million comments about my horrible parenting skills if she had seen that. I hear the toaster pop so I turn my back to finish making the girls breakfast.

When I finish I place everything on the table in front of Lindsay and Jay. "So Sara," Lindsay says, "What are you doing here?"

"Your mom and I are going to breakfast after we drop you two off at school." I watch Sara lock eyes with my daughter and I can see a silent conversation going on within them. I don't attempt to figure out what she is saying to Lindsay. Silent words are not the same between each person. Each expression and word has to be translated differently.

"Well I have to go." Mom stands up and proceeds to distribute hugs to Lindsay, Jay, and Sara. Their byes follow her out of the room. I am left standing; waiting. Waiting for my mother's love. The love that I have never received. Wanting. Wanting my mother to acknowledge me with more than a nod for once.

"Bye Mom," I call after her.

"Goodbye Catherine." I turn away from the people at the table that have their eyes glued to me. I watch my mom out of the window over the sink. As her car pulls out of the drive way the thought that constantly plagues me returns.

Why can't she love me too?

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Sitting across from Sara at a small, secluded diner I watch the waitress place our food in front of us. "Thank you." She replies by nodding and then leaves us alone.

"I didn't want to mention it in front of Lindsay and Jay, but what is going on between you and Lily?" Sara asks before taking a bite of her pancakes.

I look down at my plate any appetite I had is suddenly gone. I pick up my fork and start pushing the food on my plate around. "I…I don't know." I don't bother to look up and see Sara's response. All of the energy I had has disappeared. The content I felt sitting here with Sara is gone. I've instantly been drained of anything happy. Left only to feel depressed. To feel empty.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up."

I quietly take a deep breath before facing Sara again. Before I am scrutinized by her x-ray vision. "No. It's fine. You were only curious. I truly don't know what is going on."

"Okay," I can hear the worry, and the care in her tone. "So I don't have to work this weekend. Well I have to be on call, but Grissom said he will borrow a few people from Swing. Now no one will have to stay with the girls at night. "

"That's good." Everything that I wanted to say; the good time I wanted to have is gone.

"So tell me about work. Any interesting cases?" The corners of my lips curl.

I chance returning my eyes to Sara. "You had the night off and you want to hear about work?"

"Yeah," I let out a small chuckle. "What? "

"Nothing. How about you tell me about your night off first."

"Okay. Ummm well I slept for a couple of hours, and I watched TV, and then I got in the shower and went to meet you. Now tell me about your night."

"I sat and did paperwork. Gil said something about needing a break. I don't know. You know how Grissom can be."

"That vague?"

"Yep." I turn my attention back to my food and begin to push it around the plate again.

"Stop doing that." I gaze up at Sara; confused. "You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Catherine…"

"I have to go." I can't do this anymore. Not now. I cannot wrap my head around what I am feeling for Sara. I am overwhelmed. I shouldn't be here. Not now. She is too caring. I don't deserve her. I am too fucked up. I need her so much that it hurts.

The walls are closing in around me as images of Sara flood my mind. Followed closely by the disappointed looks my mother sent me, and the all of the nameless faces. The faces that brought me pleasure. That offered me an escape. That made me hate myself even more with each new person.

"Cath calm down. We'll go." I can hear the concern in her voice. Everything is squeezing me tightly. Trapping me.

Abruptly the world around me freezes. All of my senses focus of Sara's finger tips brushing over the back of my hand. I yank my hand back and hide it under the table. I turn to slide out of the booth. I stop and focus my attention in Sara's direction. I force myself to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry," Sara quietly says.

I shake my head. "Let's get out of here."

"Okay." I walk out without waiting for Sara. I pace in front of the building. Why now? Why does this have to hurt so much? "Are you ready," her tone is cautious.

I nod, and avoid looking at Sara. I am ashamed of my behavior. My lack of self control.

I get in the car and wait for Sara to start driving. "I'm sorry Sara," my voice is barely audible.

"No. Catherine don't apologize. I don't know what happened back there, but you don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I ruined breakfast."

"We can always have breakfast some other time." I don't acknowledge her last statement. I continue to stare out the window.

Am I even worth Sara's time?

A tear escapes me and I quickly wipe it away before Sara can see. The darkness inside me is overpowering everything. Without moving my gaze from the window I reach back and search for Sara's hand. Finding it I lace our fingers together.

She gives my hand a gentle squeeze. I can't explain why I can hold her hand now. Maybe it has to do with who is inciting the contact. Maybe I wasn't ready. I don't know. All I know is right now I need the comfort holding hands with Sara brings me.

I groan as another unanswered question roams into my mind.

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

* * *

TBC...


	24. Chapter 24

**EDITED**

* * *

Sara's POV

I shouldn't be nervous, but I am. I am standing outside Catherine's front door. Taking a deep breath I knock and wait.

The door opens and I am face to face with Catherine. She is wearing a smug smile. "It took you long enough to knock Ms. Sidle." I can feel the blush creeping into my cheeks. "Come in hun." Catherine turns around and retreats into the house. Quickly I follow her closing the door behind me.

I have found that Catherine is comfortable with contact between us as long as she initiates it. It has been a week since we went out to breakfast. I have had to constantly reassure her that she doesn't need to apologize. I wish I had more time with her before she leaves for the conference in Boston today.

I have followed Catherine into the living room. She is standing in front of the couch. It appears that she is debating with herself about something. "Where are the girls?"

"In Lindsay's room."

"Oh."

"So you can sleep in my room this weekend, and I've stocked up on food you can eat. I left money for pizza or movies or something…"

"Cat, you don't have to leave money I've got it. I'm looking forward to this weekend; it is a treat for me." She sends me a small smile.

"I don't want you paying."

"Yeah, well I don't want you paying."

"I'm still leaving the money."

"You do that. It will still be there when you get back." Catherine rolls her eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me Ms. Willows." I allow a smile to creep onto my face. Catherine is so gorgeous. When she rolls her eyes it's adorable.

A crashing noise brings me out of my musings. I send Catherine a puzzled look. She returns my look with one of her own. I raise a finger to my lips and motion for her to follow me. Slowly I creep in the direction of the noise. Catherine is right behind me. When I stop she runs into me and lets out a quiet 'oof'. "Sorry," she whispers. I am momentarily distracted by the heat radiating from Catherine's body.

Shaking my head I try to clear it of the inappropriate thoughts that have started to pop into it. I listen carefully for more noise. I can enjoy the images in my mind later.

I have a feeling that the crashing came from Lindsay's room. I move in front of the door just in time to hear a loud moan emanate from the room. I freeze. Glancing back at Catherine she appears extremely tense. Lindsay's voice makes its way out to us from under the door. "Jay you have to be quiet Mom's in the other room." Jay replies with a few loud whimpers.

I turn around and lock eyes with Catherine. The expression of horror on her face would be highly amusing if I wasn't too busy trying to overcome my own shock.

Catherine turns away from me without a word and starts to walk back toward the living room.

I don't want to think about Lindsay having sex. She is still that little girl to me, but obviously she is, and if the look on Catherine's face is anything to go by this is the first time she thought about Linzz having sex too.

I follow her down the hall and back into the living room. "Catherine?"

She turns to me her face visibly paler. She shouldn't have had to hear that. "Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll be fine. That was just a little awkward you know? Also a wakeup call to how old my baby girl really is."

"I know. I still see her as that little girl who always wandered around the lab talking a mile a minute to everyone she sees." A small smile touches Catherine's lips.

"I know," Jay doesn't seem to be getting any quieter, and Catherine looks like she might barge in that room any minute. "I think I'm going to take my bag out to the car."

"Here I've got it." I grab the bag sitting by her couch, which weighs about five times more than it looks like it weighs.

"Thanks."

"God I thought you were only leaving for the weekend not a whole month! What did you put in this thing?"

"You never know what I might need." I roll my eyes at her and we walk out of the house. After depositing Catherine's bag in her car I take a seat on the front steps.

"I think I'll sit out here for a while."

Catherine lets out a small snort of laughter. She has her car door open and is searching for something in the back seat. I can't stop my eyes from lingering on her perfect ass. This is not what I should be thinking about. Not to mention it is highly inappropriate to be staring at my best friend and colleague's ass.

"How long until you have to leave to catch the plane?"

She checks her watch, "An hour." I raise an eyebrow. I had expected her to be rushing out the door when I got here. Does this mean she might have wanted to spend time with me too? At work I've tried to spend as much time as possible with Catherine. Any little excuse I can find to be in the room with her I use.

It is strange and particularly hard going from being closer with Catherine than I have ever been with anyone else to almost not talking. It is my fault I know, but there are so many things I miss about her. If I could go back in time I would react differently.

I was stupid, and I know I hurt Catherine. It was the last thing she deserved.

I am jerked out of my thoughts by Catherine closing the car door. "Why did you ask me to come over so early then?"

She shrugs her shoulders and sits next to me. "Why not?" She is looking in the opposite direction so I cannot see her expression.

"I'm definitetly not going to complain," I freeze. I probably shouldn't have said that. My words have caused her to face me. A small smile grazing her lips.

"Either am I. Do you think I should have _accidentally _walked into Lindsay's room?"

"She is a teenager no matter how much we like to deny it. I think it was better that you let them be. Maybe I won't have to listen it this weekend if they get it out of their system now." Catherine laughs. Her smile reaches her eyes and lights up her face.

"I doubt that. They are head over heels for each other."

"They are a cute couple."

"Yeah they are." The silence that follows her words is filled with emotions neither of us wishes to express to the other, but made comfortable by Catherine's presence.

When Catherine flinches next to me I realize I have let my hand wander to hers without realizing it. Quickly I pull away silently cursing myself. "Sorry. I didn't mean to."

She shakes her head, and surprises me by taking my hand and intertwining our fingers. "I shouldn't have flinched." I can tell she wants to stay more, but remains silent.

"I've missed this." I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say. I don't want to make Catherine uncomfortable in any way. She needs her space and time and I am more than willing to accept that.

"What?" I glance at her. There is a hopeful gleam in her beautiful eyes.

"Spending time with you. Spending time with the girls," I hold up our linked hands, "Holding your hand." I smile at her and lock our eyes. She beams back at me.

"I've missed it too." I feel a fluttering in my stomach. Her words alone are enough to keep me happy for a week.

"Hey Cat?" My stomach turns. I am nervous with an underlining of happy. Definitetly not an emotion I've experienced before.

"Yeah hun?" I've always loved when she calls me that.

"Do you think we will ever be able to get back to the way things used to be? Before the kiss?" I can feel her posture stiffen beside me. I knew I shouldn't have thrown in that last part. I'm an idiot.

"I don't know." Her tone is filled with sorrow. She is looking at the ground.

"Look at me." She complies with my request almost instantly. "I know they are only words but I want you to know I am truly sorry for the way I handled things and treated you." She nods and I notice that there are unshed tears in her eyes. I am an asshole. Why did I have to act so childlike? I squeeze her hand for comfort, and look away. I cannot stand to see the overwhelming mixture of emotions in her eyes.

I watch the neighbor's cat in the yard across the street as I attempt to control my own feelings. Shock makes its way to my brain as it finally registers that Catherine has rested her head on my shoulder.

I turn my attention back to my immediate surroundings. I let go of Catherine's hand and cautiously put my arm around her. She shifts and moves further into the embrace. I feel her arms snake around me.

Lifting her head Catherine whispers in my ear, "I know you are Sara."

The fact that she believes me causes my heart to soar.

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"What do you two want to do today?"

"Can we go to the mall?" Lindsay asks.

"That depends on how many bags I am going to have to carry this time." The last time I went to the mall was with Catherine and Lindsay.

"I'm not much of a shopper," Jay adds. "I prefer shopping for books and CDs."

"Me too. We will defiantly stop at the bookstore then." Jay smiles at me. Lindsay grabs both of our hands and drags us out the door talking a mile a minute.

Maybe she hasn't changed as much as I thought she has.

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Walking into the bookstore I jump as Lindsay lets out a squeal followed closely by, "Grandma!" I gaze around and my eyes land on Lily. Great.

I really like Lily. She is always extremely kind to me, but I am still fuming from how I watched her treat Catherine. She almost completely ignored her. She went around handing out love to everyone but Catherine. Her own daughter. I don't know what her problem is, but she needs to straighten out. I saw how much her actions hurt Catherine.

Taking a deep breath I lock all of my emotions away. I walk over to Lily and the girls putting on my most believable smile. "Sara dear!"

"Hi Lily." She pulls me into a hug that I have no choice but to return it.

"What are you doing here? Where is Catherine?" I note her tone isn't as pleasant when talking about her daughter.

"She had to go to a conference in Boston for work."

"Oh." I turn to Lindsay and Jay who are waiting patiently for me.

"You guys don't have to wait for me. I'll find you when I'm done looking." They nod and walk away. I catch them linking hands as they disappear into an aisle. Why do I get the impression their discretion has to do with Lily? I turn back to Lily. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course darling. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, but Catherine's not." I have the strong urge to slap the woman in front of me when I don't catch a hint of worry in her features. "What is going on between you two?"

"Whatever do you mean?" Her words are more bitter than before.

"You know exactly what I mean. Why do you treat Catherine like shit? I don't know if you noticed but she has been having a hard time lately and you are not helping. I watched her expression as you showed your love to everyone but her; the hurt and sadness in her eyes when you couldn't even bring yourself to say goodbye to her. I also saw the drop in her shoulders when she watched you pull out of the driveway. So tell me what the fuck is your problem?" I have lost control.

"Keep your voice down, and don't talk to me like that!"

"Give me a reason why I should be any nicer." Lily remains silent. "What no excuses? I at least expected denial out of you Lily."

"Who are you to comment on how I treat my daughter?"

"Your daughter happens to be my best friend, and when someone is hurting her I am going to step in, because unlike you I care deeply about her."

"Of course you do. So tell me, when did she start fucking you?"

"Excuse me!"

"You heard me."

"Catherine is my friend and that is all. I would expect more from you. You are her mother." She sends me a death glare and walks away leaving me to deal with my fury.

That bitch. Catherine deserves better than her. Muttering under my breath to myself I head off to find Lindsay and Jay. Hopefully they can cheer me up.

I find Lindsay browsing the true crime section. She looks up when I approach her. "What's wrong Sar?"

"Nothing."

"You are lying. Tell me."

"I might have blown up at your Grandma."

"For the way she treats mom?"

"Yeah." I send her a puzzled look. I am starting to suspect Lindsay can read minds.

"I figured you would. Plus you are the only one who cares enough that has the power to actually do it. I want to and I snap at her a lot about her rude comments, but in the end she is my grandmother." I nod. She makes sense.

"Where is Jay?"

"Looking at the science fiction books." I still haven't completely calmed down. "Come here." Lindsay pulls me into a hug.

I can't help but smile. She is too sweet.

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A light touch on my face wakes me up. Opening my eyes Catherine is sitting on the coffee table in front of me smiling. "Hey," I say groggily.

"Hey. Why are you sleeping on the couch? I told to sleep in my room." The truth is I couldn't bring myself to lay in her bed surrounded by her sent. It would only increase my longing, and cause my heart to ache more. I shrug knowing I can't tell her the truth. "Have you slept on the couch all weekend?"

"Yeah. I should get going." I sit up, and rub the sleep from my eyes.

"No Sar. Don't be silly. It's midnight. Come on." She takes my hand and drags me to her room. I watch her crawl under the covers. "Are you going to lie down?"

I get under the blankets trying to keep as much space between us as possible. "So how was the conference," I ask as I turn on my side to face her.

"I had to sit and listen to a man talk about blood spatter, my specialty, for five hours two days in a row. How do you think it was?"

"Boring as hell." She nods her head and tries to suppress a yawn. "Night Cat."

"Night." She moves toward me and rests her head on my chest draping her arm over my stomach. "Is this okay?" She asks quietly.

"Of course." I hope she can't hear how much the speed of my heart has increased.

"Thanks. I got a phone call from my mom today," I think my heart just stopped. Lily wouldn't tell her about our fight, well my blow up would she? She probably would. She would want Catherine on her side. She would want Cath to be mad at me too. "I could really use a friend to cuddle with." I pull her closer.

"Well I'm here whenever you need comfort."

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"I've got to get going Cat." I stand up from my place on the couch. We have had a quiet morning with both of the girls still asleep.

"I'll walk you out." She takes my hand and we walk to the front door. I step out the door and turn to her. She smiles at me and I beam back at her. "Thanks for watching the girls this weekend."

"No need to thank me." I want to hug her. I really want to kiss her but I know I should do neither. "I'll see you at work."

"Yeah." Before I realize what I am doing my lips meet hers. I place my hand on her cheek and apply more pressure. Her lips are so soft and full. I try to reveal all of my love for her through my lips.

I pull away, get in my car, and drive away before she has time to react. I just kissed Catherine Willows. Again.

* * *

TBC...


	25. Chapter 25

**Edited.**

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

I've been battling with my emotions for the past hour. Since Sara kissed me. Part of me is ecstatic. Over the moon because this means she likes me too. This means she wants me too. The other half of me is nervous. Afraid of getting hurt. Jumbled and confused. I have been trying to sort through this. Figure out what I want, and how I feel, because at some point Sara will approach me wanting to talk. I know her. I know her well enough to know that she will want to talk. Now that we are working toward a solid friendship again.

"Mom phone! It's Uncle Gil." For once in the past few months I am happy to hear from Gil. Thrilled for a distraction.

I walk into the kitchen and grab the phone from Lindsay. I head back toward the living room with it. "Hey Gil."

"Catherine. You are working Swing with Greg today." I glance at the clock. At least he has given me a few hours to get ready this time.

"Ummmm. Okay. Why?"

"For borrowing two of their CSIs over the weekend. Warrick and Sara will take Swing tomorrow."

"Whoa wait. You are making Sara do Graveyard tonight and Swing tomorrow? She is going to have about four hours of free time before she has to go back to work. That's ridiculous Gil!"

"I've already talked to her Catherine. She says she is fine with it." Sure she is. Sara is just too sweet to say no.

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow night then. Bye Gris."

"Bye."

I don't know whether I'm relieved I won't see Sara again today or disappointed.

Lindsay enters the room. "What did Uncle Gil want?"

"I have to work Swing today. Grandma is refusing to come over for some unknown reason. Do you think you'll be okay here by yourself until the end of shift?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I better get ready then." I stand up and give her a kiss on the head before leaving the room.

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"Look at the blood spatter here… Catherine? Catherine!" I shake my head and look up at Greg. We are working in the layout room looking over pictures of the scene.

"Sorry Greg. What were you saying? My mind was in other places." With Sara. I want to see her. I can't explain it. Through all of the confusion I still want to see her. I need to see her. I need to know what she is thinking. How she is feeling about what happened.

I need to know if we are still okay. I need reassurance that she isn't going to act the way she did last time.

What I want I still don't know. She hurt me so much. I'm afraid it will happen again. If we have a fight or if something hits too close to home.

I have to know if she will still be there. If she loves me enough to work through this.

I'm not so naïve to believe a relationship between us would be easy. We would butt heads here and there. We would get under each other's skin. Part of me is willing. Willing to give it a go. Willing to stay by her side no matter what to make it work. I love her.

Would she be willing to stay by my side though? Will she always be there? Her actions make me unsure, and even though I love her I have to think about Lindsay and Jay. What is good for them.

If Sara is going to be in and out of their lives when it is convenient for her then no. That would be too hard for the girls. No matter how much I love her.

"Anything I can help with?" I turn my attention back to Greg. I can see the concern in his features. The love. He has been so caring toward me lately. Trying to help me through things. I believe he understands. That he has been through something similar before. That knowledge brings us closer. He is a great friend, and it is nice to have someone to talk to. I haven't told him about my worries when it comes to Sara, or what happened between us.

I trust him to keep the information to himself though. "Maybe." I take a deep breath to settle some of the nerves in me. "It has to do with Sara…" He listens intently while I tell him everything. I don't leave out Sara's drinking and self harm problems in hope that he can help me, help her. "You have to promise that no one will find out about what I have told you. Not even Sara."

"Of course not Cath." It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. He places a supportive hand on my back. "Do you know what you are going to do?"

"No. Part of me wants what I believe she is offering, but she hurt me so much Greg. I don't know if could bring myself to have a relationship with her. At least not yet."

"Well that's exactly what you need to tell her then." His hand moves so that he has a protective arm around me.

"Hey guys." I turn my head to discover Sara standing in the doorway. She has about two hours until Graveyard starts. What is she doing here so early? There is a small flutter in my stomach. "I was talking to Wendy and she asked me to drop off your DNA results." She looks stunning in a tight emerald shirt and dark jeans. "I'm not interrupting something am I?" The green brings out her eyes. Eyes that are focused on me.

"Nah Sara." Greg replies for me. He must have noticed I was zoning out. His arm moves away from my back.

"We were just looking over the crime scene photos," I say finally finding my voice. She skeptically raises one eyebrow. Her gaze not wavering from me. I return her gaze. She has put on a mask. She looks indifferent. Not to me. Her walls aren't strong enough to keep me out anymore. I catch a glimpse of the worry in her brown orbs before she breaks the connection.

"So what you do you have?" She asks as she strolls over to the table. Sara passes Greg the report and stands across from us at the table.

"We don't have much yet."

"I was pointing out the blood spatter to Catherine when you came in." I had noticed the spatter, but I was busy with other things.

I briefly glance up at her from the pictures on the table her eyes are again on me.

"I noticed it," I look up at Greg and observe that his attention is focused on something else. Following his stare my eyes rest on the scars covering Sara's arms. I nudge Greg to remove him from his trance.

He blinks a few times before looking at me. I give him a warning kick under the table.

Sara's eyes are burning into my flesh. I can feel the temperature of my body rising. "I…I'm going to..to check in with Hodges." I stammer before leaving the room.

Instead of going to find Hodges I head to the bathroom. I need to splash cold water on my face.

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Closing my locker door I look toward the door. Sara is standing there waiting. I have a feeling this isn't going to be like our normal five minutes after shift. My nerves kick in full force. My heart beat has increased, and I can feel myself slightly shaking. What is wrong with me? I've never been this unsure of myself around anyone.

Then again it is Sara. She makes me feel things I have never felt before. "Do you think we could talk Cat?" She asks quietly. Sara sounds as nervous and unsure of herself as I feel.

I catch her eye and try to determine what I see in those dark brown pools. I nod my head. "Go to the break room so Grissom knows you're here for shift. I'll come get you."

"Okay." The last thing I want is to get her in trouble with Grissom.

I stand waiting for Grissom to walk down the hall and enter the break room. Finally I spot him. I need to get home to Lindsay.

Quickly I walk over to the door. "Hey Gil. I need to borrow Sara for a few minutes. I think I have something on the case Greg and I are working, but I could use her expertise."

He looks at me for a moment, "Okay."

I begin to walk toward my office assuming Sara will follow. Taking a seat on the couch I wait for Sara to close the door and sit next to me.

She sits on the opposite end of the couch. Her eyes meet mine and I turn away. "What did you want to talk about hun?" I know exactly what she wants to talk about. One of us had to start the conversation.

"I want to apologize for ki…"

I grab her hand and tangle our fingers together as I say, "Don't apologize for kissing me. Don't." I meet her eyes with determination this time. I'm not going to look away. I want her to understand. I need her to understand.

"What does this mean for us?" I wish I knew the answer to her question.

"I don't know. Are you…do you want more?" I hold her gaze; hope making itself present inside of me.

She nods and I send her a small smile. "Do you?"

"I do. I do want more. It's just… I'm so confused right now. I need reassurance from you that you won't leave. Part of me wants to be with you more than anything, but the other part of me isn't so sure. I'm not going to pretend like you didn't hurt me Sara." I glance at my watch. "Listen I really need to get home to Linzz she's alone."

"Where's your mom?"

"She's refusing to come over." I catch a hint of guilt in Sara's expression. I don't think I want to know. I stand up and Sara copies my actions. I glance at her. I can tell she is hesitating. Before she can argue with herself any longer I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her into a hug. As her arms slide around my waist they leave a pleasant tingling sensation. I nuzzle my face into her neck. " I need some time to think," I mumble into her skin before removing myself from the embrace.

I walk Sara to the door. Her lips find my ear and she whispers, "I'll wait for you forever if I have to."

I gaze after her longingly as she walks away.

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Leaning against the side of the building I am waiting for Sara to pull into the parking lot. I need to see her. I couldn't wait until the beginning of shift today. Only to see her for a few minutes since she would be getting off Swing.

I went home and I thought and thought about our conversation. About what I want, but I am still no closer to the answer.

I notice Sara's car and wait anxiously. She gets out looking exhausted. I can tell she has gotten either no or little sleep in the few hours she had. Our eyes lock and she beams at me. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought you could use some coffee." I hold up the extra cup of coffee for her to see. She chuckles.

"You were right." I pass her the coffee and her hand brushes over mine.

"Did you get any sleep at all?"

"No," I observe as she stifles a yawn.

"I can take your place if you want."

"No, I've got it. You should go home and relax." She glances down at her watch. "I've got to go. I'm running a couple of minutes late. Thanks for the coffee. I'll see you later." She is at the door when I remember the invitation from Lindsay.

"Sara wait." I grab it out of my sweatshirt pocket. Well Sara's sweatshirt. I hand her the card. "Lindsay asked me to give you this."

She takes it and I watch her eyes traveling back and forth across the information. "I'll be there."

"Lindsay got a solo." When she smiles it reaches her tired eyes.

"That's great. I've never been to a ballet recital before."

"She wants you to come over to the house early so that we can all go together. If you can."

"What time?"

"Ummm how about around six. You can have dinner with us."

"Six o'clock on Friday night. I'll be there." A smile grazes my lips.

"Can't wait."

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I've realized that I haven't seen my sister in at least three months. Usually we are very close, but I've been wrapped up in everything going on with Sara. Glancing at the clock I smile. It's her lunch break.

I think I will pay her a visit.

I make it to the hospital in just under ten minutes. As I head toward the cafeteria I make a mental note not to mention anything going on between Sara and I. I don't need another person mad at me. Especially not Nancy.

I notice my sister sitting by the window absorbed in a book as she eats. As I get closer I quiet my steps wanting to surprise her. Sliding into the seat across from her I wait for her to realize I'm here.

As she goes to turn the page of her book she stops. Glancing up her green eyes meet mine. "Cath!" A smile breaks onto her face, and I return the gesture. She gets up and moves to my side of the table. I stand up and hug her. Holding her tightly in our embrace. "God it's been too long Cath. It's great to see you."

I pull away and kiss her cheek. "It's great to see you too Nance. I've missed you."

"So what have you been up to," she asks as she returns to her seat.

"Not much. Work."

"In the three months I haven't seen you all you have done is work? I don't believe that. Is there a new guy in your life?"

"Well you certainly don't hesitate. No, no guys. What about you? What have you been doing?"

"Same as you I guess. You look exhausted Cath. You need to get more sleep." I roll my eyes at her. Being my little sister makes her extremely protective of me. She receives the same from me in return so I can't complain.

"Well you look very nice Nancy."

She laughs, "Thanks."

"Lindsay has a dance recital on Friday. I'm sure she would love to see you and Jeremy there."

"Same place as usual," I nod. "I'll try to make it." I think about how Sara is going to be there, and all of a sudden my invitation to Nancy doesn't sound like such a good idea.

I push the thought aside. Lindsay will be thrilled. Plus I have other things to talk with Nance about. "Do you know what is going on with Mom?"

"Yes." She raises an eyebrow at me. I know she hates giving me information about mom, but at the same time she feels obliged to tell me since she is my mom too. Nancy is the perfect person to ask.

"Are you going to tell me?"

She sighs, "I guess so."

I smile at her. "Nance you're the best. So what is going on? She will barely talk to me, and she is refusing to come over."

"Sara." Sara? I can tell this is going to be like pulling teeth.

"What about Sara?"

"Apparently she blew up at mom over the weekend." What?

"Why?"

"Mom says she ran into Sara, Lindsay, and Jay at the bookstore and Sara started yelling at her. According to Mom she didn't do anything to start it. She didn't even have a clue what she did to deserve it. But it's our mom we are talking about. She tends to alter situations."

"Yes she does."

"Sara is your friend right? So if I were you I would talk to her and find out what really happened."

"Thanks Nance. I know you didn't want to tell me." What Nancy is saying doesn't sound at all like the Sara I know. She can control her temper. It takes something big to make her blow up.

It looks like I need to talk to Sara.

* * *

TBC..


	26. Chapter 26

**EDITED VERSION**

* * *

Sara' POV

Whispering voices enter the darkness of my mind. Slowly I open my eyes. Turning my head toward the voices the blurry outlines of Catherine and Greg sitting at a desk come into my focus. Blinking a couple of times I realize I am lying on the couch in Catherine's office.

My eyes are heavy. I remember thinking to myself that I would close my eyes for a few minutes in the quietness of Catherine's office at the end of shift. I must not have woken up. Catherine and Greg have stopped talking. From the expression on Catherine's face I can tell that she is upset. What could they be talking about that would upset her? Greg is watching Catherine cautiously. He is probably trying to determine whether or not it is safe to start talking again.

Catherine glances in my direction before turning her attention back to me. A smile creeps onto her face. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty."

"Hey," my voice is hoarse. I am struggling to keep my eyes open.

"Greg we should probably get back to work."

"Yeah. See you later Sar."

"See ya Greggo." I turn my attention back to Catherine. "Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I should probably go." I try to sit up but my body won't comply with my mind. I didn't realize how long it has been since the last time I slept.

Catherine turns off the light, gets up, and walks over to me. She grabs the blanket off the back of the couch and covers me. "Stay here and sleep. I'll wake you up at the end of shift." I don't have the energy to argue with her. Her lips brush against my forehead before she leaves the room.

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I can hear someone calling my name from a distance. The voice comes closer as my brain starts to clear. "Sara." Catherine.

"Yeah Cat?" I say quietly as I attempt to force my eyes open.

"Shift's over. You should go home."

"Mmmmmm." Lifting my arm I find her waist pulling her closer to me.

"What are you doing?" I wrap my other arm around her waist and pull her on top of me.

"I'm fine right here. Night Cat." I tighten my grip on her and begin to fade back into sleep. Catherine shifts removing me from my sleep filled haze.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I-don't-'member." I slur. Catherine chuckles causing me to smile.

"You should go home and sleep in your bed."

"But I like it here."

"I know you do, but I have to go home." I let out a groan as Catherine gets up. I sit up and put on my most convincing pout.

"Fine."

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Rushing out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in my mouth I make my way to the door. My hair is soaking the shoulders of my black t-shirt. "Coming," I mumble loudly.

Opening the door I am pleased to discover Catherine standing behind it. As she looks at me a small smile creeps onto her face. "Sorry. I need to talk to you and you seemed so tired earlier…I just thought…"

"Come in," I say as I step aside. Catherine leads the way to the living room. "I'll be right back." I point to the toothbrush still hanging from my mouth. Catherine lets out a small laugh.

I quickly finish getting ready and then walk back out to the living room. I observe Catherine as she looks around. Her eyes linger on each empty beer bottle. I can't help but hope she notices the fact that there are a fare share less the than last time she was here. Her eyes land on mine. I can tell something is bothering her. I decide not to ask what it is. I know she will tell me in time. "It's nice to see there aren't as many beer bottles."

"Yeah; well I'm trying to stop drinking again, but I haven't been completely successful yet."

"Why?"

"Why what?" I take a seat next to her on the couch.

"Why are you stopping? What made you change your mind?" I don't know if I want to tell her. It is personal. I've shared personal things with Catherine before, but this seems different. However she deserves an explanation.

"I spent time with you. I spent time with the girls. That time made me realize what I had given up. What I had with you and Lindsay was…I was part of a family. Something that existed outside of work. For the first time I felt wanted and loved, and I gave it all up for the numbness I craved. I gave up everything Cat…everything…for something I could never truly find in any other place than the one I let go of. I was falling. Sooner or later I would have crashed. Thank god I had more than one wakeup call, because I refused to listen to the first ones. I want to be back in your life. In the girls lives. I want to be part of your family again. I was stupid… I should have talked to you…I…I…"

I turn away from her. I feel exposed. Weak.

Catherine takes my hand in hers. A familiar comfort runs through me. "Thank you." For what? For finally realizing what an ass I was? I certainly wasn't the one who started to get my life back on track. I wasn't the one who made me see what I was doing to myself and to the people around me. I chance a glance at Catherine. She is looking at me with understanding. With relief. With love. As if she can read my mind Catherine says, "Thank you for sharing your reason with me. I know it was hard, but you had a choice to tell me and you did." An encouraging smile touches her lips.

She makes me feel safe. She understands. She doesn't take advantage of my vulnerability. Only Catherine could ever do all of those things and for me and more.

For the first time I realize how much she must love me. For how long she has loved me. She has stayed with me through everything the in best way that she could. When I pushed her away I always knew that she was a phone call away. That she would be there for me no matter what.

I had to go and put her through all that shit. I have no doubt that I hurt her, but she is still here. I want to be all of this for her too. I want her to be comfortable around me. I want her to know how much I love her. I want to be there for her no matter what. What I told her was the truth. I will wait for her forever.

"What did you need to talk to me about?" I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. I need to change the subject.

"Yesterday after I brought you coffee I went to visit my sister," I think I know what is coming, "I hadn't seen her for a while which is unusual for us because we are close." I nod my head to show that I am following. I can tell she s trying to be open with me to put me at ease. "As you know my mother yet again is being a pain in my ass. I know that I disappoint her and that she does favors for me only because she loves her granddaughter with all of her heart.

"I decided to ask Nancy about my mother's behavior because I was certain she would talk to Nance. Do you know what Nancy's answer was Sara?"

"Ummm… most likely," Catherine smiles at me and rolls her eyes.

"Her answer was you. Apparently you blew up at my mother over the weekend and she did absolutely nothing to deserve it. I…"

"Nothing to deserve it! You believe that!?!" I can't stop myself. I can feel my anger rising. I never put it beneath Lily to try and get her daughter to hate me too. Catherine puts a finger to my lips to silence me.

"Both Nancy and I, however, know that our mother likes to twist stories to her advantage. So I wanted to hear from you what happened." Relief floods me. Catherine doesn't hate me. Yet.

"I promise you I did have a reason Cat. I tried my hardest to be nice to your mom when we met her at the bookstore, but my anger got the best of me. I know I shouldn't have blown up at her, but I was fuming about the way she treated you the last time I saw her. I couldn't believe her. She couldn't show her own daughter love. I know how much that hurts, and I saw the pain it caused you. I told her that," my voice is rising but I don't bother to keep it down. The thought of Lily alone makes my blood start to boil.

"You know what!?! She didn't even defend her actions. No. Instead she asked me how long you had been fucking me. I couldn't believe the nerve of her. It took all of my strength not to hit her after she said that. I told her we are only friends, and that I care about you. Then she walked away."

There are tears in Catherine's eyes. I can't tell why they are there. Is she mad about what I did? What her mom said? I tighten my grip on her hand. "You blew up at my mom for me?"

"Yes." I take it I did the right thing.

"Nobody has ever had the guts to stand up to my mom. Especially not because of the way she treats me. They all ignored it. They love her because she is so sweet to them."

"She shouldn't be able to get away with it. You're not mad at me?"

"No." She smiles as a few tears escape her eyes.

"Can I have a hug?" I don't want to push her. She leans into me and I wrap my arms around her.

"Thank you." I smile into her hair. My heart swells with love for the woman in my arms.

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"Good luck Linzz." I kiss her on the head and watch Jay follow her backstage. Turning back to Catherine I realize she is no longer beside me.

Looking around I spot her standing talking to a blonde woman and a boy that appears to be the woman's son. I walk over to Catherine. She glances up at me with a smile on her face. Now that I am closer I realize the woman standing in front of us looks remarkably like Catherine. "Sara this is my sister Nancy, and her son Jeremy."

"Hi." I shake their hands. When Jeremy looks at me I note that he has Catherine's eyes. Expressive and ever changing blue. "We should find seats."

Catherine takes my hand and I follow her down to the front row where Jay is already sitting. I take a seat next to Jay as the lights start to dim. "Look at Nancy," Jay whispers into my ear. I lean forward to see around Catherine. Nancy's glare is moving between Catherine's hand linked with mine and me. Her eyes meet mine. A dark emerald green. They narrow.

I lean back in my chair and remove my hand from Catherine's not wanting to cause trouble for her. Catherine moves her attention from the girls filtering on the stage to me.

Confusion in her features. I can sense her underling insecurity. Leaning closer to her I whisper, "Look at your sister." When Catherine turns to her, Nancy isn't quick enough in adverting her disapproving stare. I watch Catherine flex her jaw at the sight of her sister.

Turning back to me she shrugs. "I want to hold your hand. I don't give a fuck what Nancy thinks. Sooner or later my family will have to accept it." I smile at her as she intertwines our fingers.

I watch the girls dance. In my opinion Lindsay is by far the best.

When the recital is over the lights come back on. I watch Nancy stand up. She looks as if she is dying to get out of here; as if she is embarrassed by Catherine and I. If she would stop and take the time to talk to Catherine she would know we are only friends. For now.

I can feel Catherine tense beside me. One side glance at her tells me her anger is rising. Jay seems to have noticed too, because she begins to walk away throwing her words over her shoulder, "I'll go find Lindsay." I lead Catherine outside leaving Nancy to follow.

The silence is heavy as we wait for Lindsay and Jay. They come out hand in hand. I look over to gauge Nancy's reaction. She looks like her head is ready to explode. I squeeze Catherine's hand to hold back the outburst I know is coming.

To make matters worse Lindsay puts her arm around Jay and place a chaste kiss on her lips. I can't help but smile. Lindsay knows exactly what she is doing. Still she does it. Pushing the boundaries just like her mother.

I turn my attention to Catherine. It is obvious she is thinking along the same lines as me, because her expression is glowing with approval, and she is beaming.

Nancy on the other hand; I'm worried about her health. She is bright red in embarrassment. She thinks like Lily. I don't know if we will get along.

Jeremy joins Lindsay and Jay despite his mother's reluctance to let him go. Deciding I don't want to be around when either Catherine or Nancy snap I walk over to the teenagers.

"My mom looked like she was about to have a heart attack when you kissed Jay." Jeremy gives Lindsay a high five.

"She needs to learn sometime," I say as I approach them. As I move into the circle Lindsay opens her mouth to reply but is cut off by Nancy's hysteric voice.

"I can't believe you Catherine!"

"What? Please Nancy tell me, because I have no clue what you're upset about." Catherine says in an agitated tone.

"You having relationships with women is one thing, but Lindsay! I can't believe you are allowing that!"

"That! That! What? LOVE!?!"

"You and that Sara woman are obviously a horrible influence on Lindsay."

"Don't you DARE bring Sara into this! We are nothing more than friends and if you had stopped, and asked you would know that. I taught my daughter acceptance and thank God Jeremy has picked up on it too!"

"You've ruined every chance your daughter has had at a _normal_ life!"

"Normal!?! Please Nancy! What is normal? So what if my daughter chooses to love another girl. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! She is just as _normal_ as anyone else!"

"You disgust me Catherine… Come on Jeremy."

Jeremy glances around at us looking for an excuse not to go with his furious mother. "Well I guess I better go. I'll see you guys at school. Bye Sara."

"Bye Jeremy." I walk with him over to Catherine.

"Bye Auntie Cath."

"Bye Jeremy," Catherine says quietly. She pulls him into a hug. I can hear her whispering that she is sorry. Kissing him on the head she lets go. Looking up at Nancy, Catherine yells, "Don't worry Nance I'm not contagious!"

Nancy peels out of the parking lot as I turn to Catherine. "Are you okay?"

She lets out a bitter laugh, "Yeah. Yeah I am. I've had it with her." Catherine leans into me and I wrap my arms around her. "The rest of the night was nice." I can't stop the small chuckle from escaping me.

"It was." Lindsay and Jay walk over to us. Taking Catherine's hand we walk over to the car and leave.

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I talked Catherine into getting dessert to celebrate how well Lindsay did. This gave her time to cool off.

Pulling into Catherine's driveway I groan. Lily's car is sitting there, and the lights are on in the house. I glance over at Catherine who has tensed in her seat. No doubt Lily has already talked to Nancy.

I lock eyes with Lindsay in the mirror. Anxiousness is written clearly on her face. There can be no good outcome.

Getting out of the car Catherine goes into the house first. I hang back with the girls as they take a while to remove their shoes. Stalling. Catherine and Lily's voices float out to us from the living room.

"Mom."

"Catherine. I just got off the phone with your sister…she said some things. I came over to see what you had to say for yourself. To see if it was tr…" Lindsay, Jay and I decide that this is our time to make an appearance. Lindsay and Jay enter the room holding hands, and I lean against the door frame. "I see that it is. May I have a word with you Catherine?"

"Sure."

"In private." Catherine turns and walks toward me. I can see the anger already flashing I her eyes. I move out of her way. Lily follows Catherine out of the living room.

Turning back to the girls I can tell they are trying to hide that they are upset. "Let's go outside." I open the door to the porch out back, and wait for the Lindsay and Jay to go outside before I follow them.

Taking a seat on the porch I gaze up at the sky. The stars are twinkling dimly. Their brightness dimmed by the lights of Vegas. All of this is my fault. Catherine wouldn't be having such a problem with her family if I wasn't in her life. Guilt floods every inch of me causing my body to ache.

Raised voices are coming from inside. I try to block them out. The screaming never ends. I can never escape it. I feel like a little girl again. Helpless and weak. Curled up in my room listening to my parents fighting; waiting to be dragged into it.

I feel a hand on mine. Lindsay is observing me. Piercing me with her eyes; attempting to figure out what is going on in my mind. Jay takes a seat on my other side and rests her head against my shoulder.

I'm part of a family again.

"It's not your fault Sar," Jay says. For a minute I am shocked to hear her say this. I know that she can be just as intuitive as Lindsay, but she usually chooses not to confront people with her knowledge.

"Even if you weren't around this blow up would have come eventually," Lindsay adds.

"That doesn't stop me from feeling guilty." The voices become louder.

Jay peers at my watch. "Aren't you and Catherine supposed to be at work?"

"Huh?" I look at my watch. "Oh yeah. I guess I better call Grissom." I get up and head toward the driveway for some privacy.

"Sara when your done do you think you could go in and check up on mom?" I turn and look at Lindsay. Her eyes hold an understanding and level of worry that makes me nervous.

"Of course." I take my cell phone out of my pocket and dial an all too familiar number.

"Sara? Where are you?"

"Nice to hear your voice too Gil. Listen I'm sorry I forgot to call. I'm having car trouble, and Cath is coming to get me. We'll be in as soon as we can."

"Okay. You and Catherine are working together. I'll leave the assignment on her desk. Bye." Before I can reply there is empty silence on the other end of the line. Gil always has had such people skills.

Opening the trunk of my car I pull out a blanket and toss it into the back seat of Catherine vehicle. My nerves are full blown as I make my way to the door. Lindsay's eyes still clear in my mind.

I step into the house as Lily's hand makes contact with Catherine's face. Catherine stumbles slightly her hand moving up to her cheek.

My anger spikes. The expression of smug satisfaction on Lily's face makes me want to be sick. When Catherine remains silent I begin to worry.

I can't just stand here. I can't watch this.

I stride over to them, and carefully push Catherine behind me. I tower over Lily. Grabbing both of her wrists I hold them tightly so that she cannot escape. Anger is rushing through my body. "I don't ever, EVER want to see or hear that you have raised a hand to Catherine again," I say through my teeth. Anger turning to rage.

Lily stares straight into my eyes, but she cannot hide the fact that she is intimidated.

I can hear Catherine move from behind me. Out of the corner of my eye I watch her make her way to the back porch. Realizing that I still have a hold of Lily I let go, and leave the house.

Leaning against Catherine's car I wait. I haven't been this angry in years.

Catherine appears from around the back of the house. When she moves into the light I catch sight of the red handprint forming on her cheek.

The emotions in her eyes is overwhelming. "Keys." She hands them over to me wordlessly.

Pulling out of the driveway I begin to drive with a destination in mind. Catherine is silent beside me. I can hear her shallow breathing. When I drive under a streetlight I can see tears glistening on her porcelain skin. Her hand seeks out mine and I hold it tightly. Trying to put as much comfort as I can into the simple gesture.

"We're late for work," Catherine says quietly. Her tone is shaky signaling to me that she is holding back more tears.

"I called Grissom." She nods her head and looks out of the window.

"Sara, where are we going?"

"You'll see."

* * *

TBC...


	27. Chapter 27

**RE-EDITED REPOSTED VERSION**

**

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**

Catherine's POV

Carefully I touch my cheek. The stinging has yet to die down. I can't remember what I said to my mother to set her off the way I did. I don't believe I said anything worth such a reaction.

Quietly Sara hums along with the music beside me. She has remained silent since I asked her where we are going. Whether it is to give me space, or a reason involving her childhood that causes her to stay silent I am appreciative.

A few times I saw her reflection in the window reaching for me and then pulling away. I am grateful it was Sara who saw what happened. She understands what it is like. Not wanting to be touched. Needing the quiet, but at the same time something to keep you from slipping too far into your mind. The emotional drain it can have on you.

I respect my mother too much to have hit her back. This isn't the first time her or Sam have slapped me. The times before though I was not certain I had made no comment to aggravate one so much it drives them to physical abuse.

I have dealt with abuse before. With Eddie it was hard but I barely counted it as abuse. It was nothing compared to the things I have seen. The things that were Sara's reality.

I always had excuses for Eddie up until the end of our marriage, but I have never been able to find excuses for my parents resorting to violence. Never.

I can feel the tears in my eyes. The tears that my mother is not worthy of at the moment.

I want to take Sara's hand but the one closest to me she is using to drive. Instead I place my hand on her knee hoping that she won't mind.

Taking her eyes off the road she looks at me. Her eyes searching mine. Trying to find the truth. See what I am seeing. Feel what I am feeling. She switches hands on the wheel and covers my hand with hers. She doesn't remove my hand from her knee.

Sara turns off the road. I watch the vast expanse of Nevada desert out of my window. Suddenly Sara stops, and turns the car off. "Come on."

She grabs a blanket out of the back seat and gets out of the car. I follow her. "Sara Sidle are you trying to get into my pants? Because if you are you didn't need to bring me all the way out here to do that."

"Damn it! You figured out my plan. I can't get anything by you Catherine!" I chuckle. I know she, like me, is kidding, but the image that joke brings sends a streak of heat traveling down to my center. I subtly shake my head to rid myself of the image.

Sara spreads out the blanket and takes a seat. I join her. Looking over at her she is staring up at the sky. The stars light up her creamy skin. I can see the sparkle in her eyes. I mimic her actions. The night sky is illuminated by twinkles of light. Spreading out from the sky's center. A half moon. "Beautiful."

"Yeah. When I was waiting for you out back with the girls they were dimmed by the polluting lights of Vegas."

"Is that why we are out here?"

"No. We haven't had a moment alone together tonight. I wasn't sure if you would want one to talk, but I figured I would make one just in case. Time for you and me."

"I've missed it. The only time we really have time together is the five minutes after work." I state shyly

"I have too."

"What did you want to talk about?" Sara exhales loudly.

"Do you know why your family acts the way they do?" I can't help but smile. Sara's curiosity is just as insatiable as mine. There is always a reason behind her questions.

"Maybe parts of it, with my mother, but not with Nancy. Why?"

"I want to help you fix what happened tonight. I have to take some of the blame."

"What? Sara no! None of this is your fault." It isn't her fault. How could she think that? She shouldn't have to worry about my family. I will not let her take any of the blame. My family would be my stuck up family no matter what.

"Even if I chose to believe you I would still want to help you. Do you think maybe… this is just a theory, your mother doesn't like you dating women because she loves you and wants the best for you, but she doesn't see the best for you in women?"

"Parts of that are true. I think I understand my mom's issues with me dating women. The worst part is it _is_ understandable."

"Did she ever date a woman? I know she was a showgirl. It's not uncommon in that line of business." I nod.

"When I was little, before Nance was born. She's the youngest of all my brothers and sisters." Sara watches me with rapt attention. "There was a woman. Stacy. I remember mom being the happiest I had ever seen her. I wasn't sure what was going on between them at the time. I was seven, but I saw nothing wrong with it. I loved Stacy. She played games with me and took me horseback riding. One day she didn't come back. I was too wrapped up in how much I was hurting to notice my mom's pain. That's when it started. She became very homophobic and started teaching her beliefs to us. It didn't rub off on me or my brothers, but it definitely did on Nance." I have more to say, and Sara can tell. She remains silent patiently waiting. I don't know if I can finally admit what it is I am afraid of. Or that I have actually been treated so shitty that I believe it. "So yes to the woman thing, but I'm not so sure she loves me anymore."

The words are bitter in my mouth. As soon as it come out I know it is the truth. "Don't say that Cat. She loves you. She just doesn't know how to show it."

"Right."

"What about Nancy?"

"I don't really get Nancy when it comes to people's sexuality. I know my mom influenced her. The thing is we can be closer than close as long as she doesn't hear about me dating women. Then she snaps. Part of me believed that she had finally accepted it, and I still think she has. Based on one of her comments tonight. Tonight had to do with Lindsay. She can deal with me, but she believes I am teaching Lindsay to be bi, if I have to put a label on it. That's obviously what made her explode tonight. Very little of it actually had to do with my relationships. None of it had to do with you. That's my best guess."

"Did you ever think maybe she is jealous of you, Cat?"

Why in hells name would Nancy be jealous of me? She doesn't have the shady past. She is beautiful. Smart and funny. How could she be? "Huh?" That's the only word I can find. Very intellectual.

"Think about it. You are gorgeous. Not only can you have any man you want, but you can have any woman you want too."

I can't help but laugh. Sara looks confused. I can tell she is wracking her mind for what is so funny. My chuckle though isn't one filled of happiness and amusement. It is full of irony, and slightly empty. "It hasn't always been that way," I reveal quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Sara is confused. I thought she would have figured it out by now.

"For the past three and a half years I have been head over heels for the one person I could never have." My statement seems to only provide more words that she cannot decipher. "You Sara. You."

She looks at me shock evident. "Me?" She scrunches up her face in thought. Her expression is adorable. While I wait for her to speak again I slide closer to her. "But Cath if you wanted me… when…how… I would have done a one night thing if you wanted me…all you had to do is tell me… why have you stuck with me? I have fucked up everything so much." She is distressed, which wasn't my intent.

I want to tell her, but I don't think I should. Everything is just getting back to normal. Well as normal as things can be around us. I haven't even figured out what I want yet, because no matter how much my brain and heart scream in unison that I should be with her a little part always counters _are you sure?_

This however seems to be one of those instances where my body refuses to listen to my brain. When I focus back on Sara I realize I have already started talking. "Because want is different than love Sar… I love you." My eyes widen and red presents itself on my cheeks. I cannot believe I just said that. Oh fuck!

I gather my courage and peek at Sara. Her expression is reflecting mine except for one thing. Her eyes are full of love, and mine are full of terror.

What have I done!

She is going to expect a relationship now. How could she not? I don't know if I'm ready. I have never been this uncertain in my life. It is almost as if I am afraid to be in a relationship with Sara. My true fear however lies in the fact that I am afraid that I am going to hurt her. That something will happen and I will lose my best friend. The only person that I have at the moment who understands. Greg does, but not the way Sara does. He doesn't understand everything and can't relate to me with everything, but Sara can.

Sara is about to reply when my cell phone starts to vibrate. Thank God!

I jump up from the blanket and walk toward the car trying to get better service. "Willows."

"Catherine it's Gil. How much longer are you and Sara going to be? I thought you were just picking her up."

"Ummm, yeah, right… I am. It turns out when Sara called me she was out in the middle of nowhere. The desert to be precise," I look around me. Not completely lying.

"Why was she in the desert?"

"Beats me. Someone is going to need to take our case Gil."

"Are you two going to continue to work after shift?"

"Looks like it."

"Good! Not only can you both catch up on paperwork, you can do mine too!" He sounds too happy about that.

"Okay. I'll see you when we get there Gil…" The line is dead. He is definitely a people person. Turning I find Sara on her cell phone.

I listen in time to catch her saying, "I love you too, bye." Whoever she is talking to better be family or I am going to kick their ass. Right after I revealed my true feelings for Sara. She turns back to me. "We have to stop by your place again, and then mine before we go to work."

"Okay. Why?"

"Your mother won't leave the girls alone." Sara tosses me the keys. She is doing her best not to look at me, but have her eyes on me at all times too, which appears to be very hard from my perspective.

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After grabbing a few things from my house we left to bring the girls to Sara's. Right now I am waiting for her in her living room. Sara has gone to talk to her neighbor.

The door opens and I turn around to face Sara. "She'll be there if the girls need her."

"Great. We should probably go to work then." I am itching to get out of Sara's presence, but at the same time I want to be around her all of the time.

One of these days my head is going to explode.

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Sara and I are sitting in my office. We have decided to work on our paperwork together, but not much is getting done.

Sara hasn't mentioned anything about my confession yet and I am relieved.

"If you had to pick one famous person who you think is absolutely gorgeous who would it be?" Sara asks. She has been asking questions like this all shift. Some of them have been highly amusing. It's a wonder that I have more work done than her.

"I don't know. Who would you chose?"

"I asked you first."

"If you want me to answer the question you answer first. I need time to think."

"You shouldn't have to think! It should be instantaneous."

"It's a hard choice okay! You answer first."

"Fine. Out of all of the celebrities… I'd say Courtney Cox when she is on Dirt."

"The show?"

"Yeah. Your turn."

"I didn't know you watched that show. I liked her in Friends."

"Stop procrastinating."

It is a hard choice. I have watched so many movies with Lindsay. One person however sticks out in my mind. The only person that sticks out more than her is Sara. "Helena Bonham Carter."

"You know this did include guys."

"Yeah I know, but I find women more attractive most of the time."

"Helena Bonham Carter huh? Didn't she play Mrs. Lovett in _Sweeney Todd_?"

"She's been in a lot of movies, but yes that's the one."

"She is pretty good looking." The room becomes silent. The only noise made is the ruffling of paper.

"Dominant or submissive?"

"Sara Sidle!" She glances up at me and smirks. I can feel myself blushing. I don't know when I have ever found this question more uncomfortable. That's right I couldn't have. Sara, the object of my affection is asking me this question. She knows that too. Unless she still hasn't put that fact together either. I am pretty certain I spelled it out for her this time.

I clear my throat. "If you must know, it's hard to believe, but I prefer submissive," my voice comes out quietly. For a moment I doubted that she even heard me.

"Submissive? I wasn't expecting that." If possible the blush on my cheeks darkens. Sara is trying to prevent herself from laughing at me. It is a very hard struggle. "I have never seen you so shy and flustered when talking about sex. What's wrong Cath?" I glare at her. She knows exactly what's wrong. She knows what images are flooding my mind at the moment.

"I don't know Sar. Favorite sex toy?" I snap at her. Her eyes go wide and she looks back down at her work. She makes a big deal of straightening her papers. "Why Ms. Sidle are you embarrassed?"

She ignores me. She picks up her laptop and moves to the couch. I follow her with mine. Nudging her leg with my knee I say, "You can't avoid the subject Sara." She doesn't say anything. "Sore sport."

"I am not." My eyes go wide in surprise as I catch the background of her computer. I remember that day. I was watching Sara when Lindsay took the picture. She doesn't know that. Does she? She couldn't possibly…

Sara hasn't taken any notice of my internal struggle. She is busy staring at my computer. I rip myself from my thoughts to see what she is looking at.

I have gotten so used to seeing the picture of Sara there that I didn't even think about it. I can feel the heat on my face again. "Answer my question Sara."

"That's private Catherine."

"And dominant or submissive isn't? Come on! I won't tell anyone."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't have an answer."

I shrug, "I'll find out later. Lindsay?"

"Huh?" Sara looks around the room for my daughter and I giggle.

"The picture Sara. Did you get it from Lindsay?"

"Oh… yeah. You?"

"Mmhhmm." The silence is filled with unanswered questions. As the minutes go by it seems as if the room is getting smaller.

"What were you looking at when the picture was taken?" Sara asks quietly.

"The question isn't what Sara, it's who?" I look back at my computer screen and pretend to be concentrating. "You know we still have to do Grissom's paperwork. He got too much of a thrill out of telling me that. We'll be here forever." I wait for a smart ass remark. I have grown accustom to them. When none come I turn to face Sara. She looks nervous.

"Cath…I need to tell you something…and I had the perfect chance to earlier but I didn't…I was too nervous. Afraid of your reaction…"

"Sara you can tell me," I cut off her ramblings.

"I know."

She turns her head away from me. "What is it hun?"

"Well you see the thing is," She shifts and gazes at me. He emotions are hidden behind a mask. "The thing is…I love you too."

* * *

TBC...


	28. Chapter 28

**REVISED AND REPOSTED VERSION (NOTHING MAJOR CHANGED)**

* * *

Sara's POV

A smile curls her lips. A shadow of its former self. Sadness and confusion evident in her eyes. Yet her emotions can do nothing to suppress the love shining through. Catherine brushes her hand over my cheek and then turns away. "I need a break. Will you drop off the finished paperwork in Grissom's office? I'll go make us coffee." She gets up and leaves the office without a second glance at me.

I lift the pile of folders and head in the direction of Gil's office.

I don't know what I expected. She told me she loved me. I meant it when I told her I loved her. I wasn't prepared for her to seem so sad. So lost.

I wanted her to know that I am serious about waiting. That I am serious about being with her. I needed to show her that I'm not going to run. That I feel the same way. This only served the purpose of confusing her more.

She said she needs time. Time I am willing to give her. I can't figure out what she wants though. One minute she is happy. One second she is revealing her feelings to me, but when I reciprocate her actions she disappears a little. Fades.

The only explanation is that something I've said, something I've done is making her sad, and that is the only conclusion I can draw if she refuses to talk to me about what is troubling her.

I don't have to worry about the rest of her life. I know that eventually she will turn to me. For a shoulder to lean on, and a friend to comfort her. However when it comes down to her feelings about us I know I must take a different approach.

I can sense that the topic makes her feel vulnerable and weak. She doesn't have control over our relationship. It makes me just as uneasy, but I know there is no way to control all of the emotions that crackle in the air between us.

One glance at Grissom's desk and I know Catherine and I will not even be considering going home until after next shift.

My grumbling increases as I catch sight of Greg giving Catherine a massage in the break room.

Catherine is sitting at the table her face buried in her hands as Greg stands behind her. I can feel my jealousy rising. I know that they are friends, close friends, from what Catherine says, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to punch him in the face.

"Do you know what you want?" Greg is asking her as I walk into the room. We lock eyes. Something my expression must have given me away because he gestures toward Catherine with a nod.

"No," Catherine replies. I nod back at Greg and move behind Catherine so that we can switch places.

Tense toned muscles covered by a thin piece of fabric. Catherine begins to relax. As she leans back her muscles flex with her movement and I hold back a soft moan. I try my hardest not to concentrate on the feeling of her beneath my fingers.

Catherine leans further back and rests her head against my stomach which gives me time to clear my mind. "You should have seen all of the paperwork on Grissom's desk."

"Is it that bad?" Catherine asks in an irritated tone.

"I'll be spending the rest of the day contemplating where the best place to hide his body is."

Greg starts laughing. "It's not funny Greg," Catherine snaps. The look on her face keeps him silent.

A thought strikes me, "Aren't you supposed to be going to wake up Lindsay and Jay," I glance at my watch, "right about now?"

"I'm on my way but I need a key." Catherine pulls out her keys from her pocket and proceeds to detach my house key from the rest. She tosses it to Greg.

"You have a key to Sara's house?" She nods and I realize she is still resting her head on my stomach. "Sara! I want one too!"

"Not in a million years Greggo. Not in a million years."

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The moment Catherine steps into Grissom's office she looks like she is ready to kill someone. Hopefully it won't be me. "That bastard!" I smile behind her.

There are piles of folders covering Grissom's desk. Catherine crosses the room and stands behind his desk. Her eyes land on his tarantula and a mixture of horror, disgust, and nervousness crosses her face. She proceeds to grab Grissom's chair and wheel it around the desk. "Whoa no way Catherine! If I have to sit near the spider I get the comfy chair."

"I don't think so babe. Seniority."

"What! You're not pulling that this time. I want the chair." I screw up my face into my best pout.

"No." Catherine moves closer to me. Her eyes devilishly gleaming. I can feel my resolve slipping away.

"What are you two doing in here?" A voice says from behind me. The tone is dripping with distaste. Turning I discover Conrad Ecklie standing in the doorway. Catherine steps in front of me. I tense with rapidly building anger for the man in front of us. Catherine must have sensed my emotions because she discreetly places a hand on my wrist.

Ecklie would like nothing more than to rid the lab of me. He renewed his time and efforts when I returned. So far I haven't had a run in with him, but things can quickly change.

"Helping with paperwork Conrad," Catherine replies smoothly as she lays on the charm. "However if you don't approve of us being in Gil's office we would gladly step out and you can help him with his paperwork." Catherine moves us aside so that Ecklie can get a clear view of the desk.

He looks from us to the desk and back again. "No that's alright. You ladies just be careful around all of Gil's… well you get the picture." He walks away. Disappointment that he could not call either of us out evident.

Catherine closes the door and turns to me. "You can have the chair," I mumble, and pull an uncomfortable chair around Grissom's desk.

We remain silent as we work our way through the piles of paperwork. My body is on auto pilot.

I wish I knew what Catherine is thinking. What she wants. One minute she is showing affection then she isn't, and then she is again. Is she just as confused as I am? Does she know what she wants? Does she want this? Or has she decided that the risk is not worth it?

A tear begins to trickle down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. Glancing at Catherine she hasn't seemed to notice.

Looking back down at the paperwork I begin to fill out the information again.

An invisible hand squeezes my heart as I think about how there might not be an us. Over the weeks I have fallen further and further in love with Catherine. Even when I was messed up and she wasn't around. The thought of her and the girls kept me from going too far.

The possibility that there isn't going to be anything between Catherine and I is too overwhelming. That we can grow apart. That we can change. That one day she won't be there anymore to make me smile. To hold me. To listen…

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I turn around again deciding not to. I begin to walk down the hall. Catherine is probably taking a quick nap in her office. As I predicted we have yet to go home.

I need to know. I turn back around and walk up to the door. I raise my hand to knock and then drop it. I stand staring at the door as the war of uncertainty rages on within me.

Before I can knock the door opens and I am face to face with Catherine. There are dark shadows under her stormy blue pools. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy. Almost if she had been crying…

"Sara. What are you doing out here? How long have you been out here?" She sounds nervous as if she has been caught.

"I…I…I wanted to talk to you," I blurt out before I lose my courage again.

"Ummm…okay. Go ahead in, I'll be right back." She moves past me and I watch her walk down the hall. Her head down. Hiding her face with her hair. That is the first time I have ever seen Catherine Willows hide herself. No matter her mood. Her problems; she always walks with an air of confidence.

I walk into Catherine's office. The blinds are drawn plunging the room into darkness. I turn the lamp on Catherine's desk on and sit in one of the chairs in front of it.

I hear the door close behind me, and Catherine walks around her desk; confidence back. She takes a seat. I notice she has reapplied her makeup and her eyes are less red.

The desk between us gives me a sliver of courage. "What did you want to talk about Sara?" She is trying to hide her anxiousness. I know she can sense what is coming.

"I'm…I'm confused Cath. I tell you I love you and then you become distant. Five minutes later you are affectionate, and then you are distant. What is going on?"

"Nothing…it was just a surprise that's all."

"A surprise? Catherine you had to know how I felt about you. I kissed you, and made sure you would know I would wait for as long as I have to for us to have a relationship. If that doesn't scream love… why do I get the impression you are lying to me?"

"Sara it's nothing, really." Her defenses are coming up. Her face resorts to a stoic expression. Her posture straightens. The last thing I wanted was a fight.

"It's not nothing to me." I begin to put my walls back up. Just in case.

The silence is suffocating. I look away from Catherine who is staring over my shoulder. Lost somewhere. Somewhere I will never know because she will never tell me.

"What if I hurt you? What if I fuck everything up and I lose my best friend? What then Sara?" My eyes fly back to her at her outburst. I gaze at her unsure of what to say.

Part of me is too shocked that she is sharing her thoughts about our relationship with me to respond. The other part is uncertain of what will comfort her. "Catherine I can't promise that I won't mess things up, or that you won't mess things up, but I can promise that you will never lose me as a friend. Never again. No matter how bad the damage; I will be here for you."

She looks at me torn, and nods. Quietly she says, "Thank you." The air of finality was not lost. Standing up I leave the room.

Something has changed. Good or bad I'll have to wait and see.

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"Hello?" I say groggily. If this is Grissom calling to tell me I need to come in early from work I am going to kill him. I finally get to sleep after two days of wandering around like a zombie. Two days after Catherine revealed her fears to me, and I am woken up an hour later. Life is cruel.

"I didn't mean to wake you. I can call back later."

"Lindsay? No, no sweetie it's fine. What's up?" Lindsay has been calling me frequently for the past two days expressing to me her concerns about her mother. Catherine's behavior. Habits that she has had in the past that she is repeating now. I like knowing what is going on with Catherine outside of work, but at the same time it tears me apart to know what she is going through and not being able to comfort her.

She made it clear to me she needs time to think and that is what I have been letting her do. I do not want to conflict her anymore. I have been keeping true to my word though. At work we are friends no matter the situation between us. If she needs me I'm there, and she knows where to find me outside of the lab. "She's pacing the house again. I can't get her to stop and she is driving me insane. I'm sick and I want to sleep."

"You're sick?"

"Yeah I've got a cold." Now that I listen carefully I can hear the difference in her voice.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Sleep."

"Alright put your mother on the phone."

"Thank you."

As I yawn I hear a "Hello?" on the end if the line.

"Stop pacing you are driving your daughter insane."

"Sara?"

"Yeah. Now stop pacing and get some rest. I know for a fact you have gotten as much as I have."

"And how much would that be?"

"Almost none. Unless you want to chat I would like to go back to sleep while I still can."

"Of course. I'll see you at work." I can hear the disappointment in her tone.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk Cat?"

"No. Get some sleep Sara."

"You too Catherine, and let Lindsay sleep."

"Okay." I can sense the smile in her voice.

"Bye."

"Bye." I close my phone and snuggle back into the covers. Closing my eyes I lay here. I can't get back to sleep.

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Standing in the break room waiting for the coffee machine to be done I struggle not to drool as Catherine glides into the room. Now everyone is here waiting for Grissom. Catherine locks eyes with me and smiles. I smile back at her and hide my confusion.

She comes and stands beside me. "Coffee?" I ask needing something to say.

"Yeah," She rests her hand on top of mine. The guys are too absorbed in their video game to pay any attention to us. "Did you get back to sleep after we talked?"

"No," I let my eyes wander over her face. She appears to have rested. "You did though."

Her smile reaches her eyes. "A couple of hours." I pour the coffee into our mugs and follow her to the table since the guys are hogging the couch.

She laces our fingers together under the table. Is she going to become distant again? Has she made up her mind? Or is she trying to figure out what we could do, what we could be?

When Grissom enters the room her grip on my hand tightens as I try to pull away. I stare at her attempting to convey my confusion, but she has focused all of her attention on Gil.

I try to focus on what Gris is saying, but all I can think about is how perfectly Catherine's hand fits in mine.

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Even though we weren't assigned a case together all shift Catherine has been holding my hand, squeezing my arm, and brushing against me at every chance she has had without looking suspicious. I am taking it as a good sign that her need for a physical comfort has not yet disappeared.

Walking into the locker room my good mood deflates a bit when I realize Catherine isn't in the room. I was hoping I would get to see her. Maybe even hold her hand for a few minutes before I left.

Gathering my things I leave the lab. I smile to myself. Catherine is leaning up against my car. She is tired, and apparently nervous, but she is there. I stop and admire the glow of the morning sun against her hair. The twinkle that has begun to return to her eyes. The way the edge of her lips are curled into a barely visible smile.

She is changing. Things are changing.

I make my way over to her. She is gazing thoughtfully into the distance. I study her expression with fascination. With awe. Awe of her beauty. Inner and outer. I observe the rare moment when her guard is down without her knowledge. When you can learn things about Catherine that you would have never dreamed of learning. Never dreamed of seeing.

Her eyes meet mine. "Hey," her voice is barely above a whisper. Her hand finds mine and I intertwine our fingers.

"Hey. I was hoping I would get to see you before I left." A small smile touches her lips. We stand in a comfortable silence taking in the rising sun. The content in each other's presence. I know right now that if I can't have Catherine I won't have anyone. I could never feel the way I feel about Catherine toward another. What I am experiencing is pure love. If I can't have this then I don't want substitutions for it. I tighten my hold on Catherine's hand.

"If you meant it Sara," Catherine says quietly, "If you meant it when you said that you loved me, and you meant it when you said that you would wait…"

"I did mean it Catherine. I did mean it with all of my heart." She gazes into my eyes. Gauging my honesty. I am nervous about what will come next if anything. This conversation could go either way. Leaving me miserable, or overjoyed. I cannot tell what she is thinking right now, or what she is feeling apart from her nervousness. Her nerves cloud over everything else.

"I want to give _us_ a chance."

* * *

TBC...


	29. Chapter 29

**RE-EDITED**

* * *

Catherine's POV

In the seven years that I have known Sara Sidle I have never seen a wider or more gorgeous smile placed upon her face. I can sense the happiness caused by my statement radiating around her. I can't help but smile shyly back at her.

No words are needed. We know exactly what we want to happen. What is going to happen? After all we have been through together we are finally taking the next step. In our friendship. In our relationship. It dawns on me that deep down I have always known what was missing in our friendship. What caused it to be so fragile yet so strong. Love. Not the love you feel in a friendship but something ten times stronger. I was so cautious when it came to keeping my feelings hidden. I was so hell bent on believing that Sara could never return my affection. My actions created a distance. Not only mine, but I'm guessing Sara's too. We were trying so hard to be open with each other, but at the same time we were doing everything possible to shield the only thing that could bring us closer. Our hearts.

Gazing into Sara's chocolaty eyes my heart skips a beat when I discover my own emotions being reflected back at me through them. I tighten my grip on her hand as she runs her thumb over my knuckles. "Do you want t…"

"Hey ladies. Are you two up for drinks with Nicky and I?" Our hands fly apart and we both involuntarily take a few steps back. I can see Sara is also struggling to keep the guilt out of her expression.

As I think about the situation I no longer have to battle with myself. I am taken over by different emotions. Irritation and disappointment. Warrick can never have a few drinks. It reminds me of…Sara. Sara's different though. She chose to stop. Is that why she stopped drinking the first time? Or is there some other reason she feels too private to reveal, or maybe too unimportant to mention?

I peer around Sara's shoulder from my spot leaning against her car. "Sorry Warrick, Sara promised to help me torture Lindsay out of bed." I glance at Sara and she smiles softly.

Warrick's hazel eyes travel between Sara and I. A sly smile creeps onto his face. "Shame. Maybe next time then."

"Yeah maybe next time," Sara replies her eyes never leaving me. I am focusing my attention on the ground, and praying that my clothes don't abruptly burst into flames from my reaction to Sara's gaze.

"Bye Rick," I allow my words to follow him to his car.

"See you Cath, Sara." He peels out of the parking lot.

"So do you want to come over?" I ask; my eyes never leaving the ground. I feel like a nervous, giddy teenager again.

"Do you seriously believe I would give up an opportunity to torture your daughter?" Looking up at her I put on an expression of mock disbelief. My act quickly fails though as a smile forms on my lips. "Or pass up the opportunity to spend time with you?" Her tone is quieter. More loving. She moves closer to me. All of a sudden I have the overwhelming need for space.

"Let's go then," I say quickly before walking to my car as fast as I can without looking like I'm trying to escape.

I am nervous about kissing Sara. I am nervous about everything that is happening between us. In a way I despise it because I have no control over the situation. I can't stand not being in control. I need to be. It makes me feel secure. I want to hide from her overwhelming love.

But most of all I am uncertain of myself.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I have wanted this for years, but when I finally have Sara I'm afraid of what is happening.

I have never loved anyone the way I love Sara. I have never loved anyone as much as I love Sara. Why does that add to my fears? Why can't this be simple. Maybe it is simple, but my mind can no longer handle simple.

What if I mess this up? What if she decides she doesn't want me because I have too much baggage. Because I am too fucked up? Worst of all what if it is because I am not young enough? Or because she gets tired of me?

I thought I had everything in my mind worked out. When I went to work last night I was content. I knew what I wanted and I was sure of what I was getting myself into. I had thought out everything, every possibility, every fear, every insecurity. Or I believed I did.

Sara. Her face wanders into my mind. I think about how sweet, and loving she is. How she comforts me and makes me feel safe. How she makes me laugh, and loves not only me but Lindsay and Jay. My fears don't seem as pressing anymore. For right now everything will be okay. Because I have Sara. I love Sara and right now that is all that matters.

The car turns off and I look around. I am in my driveway and Sara is pulling in behind me. I wince. Autopilot while I am driving is always safe.

Getting out of the car I wait for Sara to appear at my side. I take her hand in mine. Out of the corner of my eye I catch her glancing at her watch and attempting to stifle a yawn. "Aren't we running late to wake up the girls?"

"No. I bought each of the girls an alarm clock. I was more frequently finding them in bed together in the morning. I decided they could wake themselves up. That way I could play dumb, and I wouldn't have to be the bad guy by scolding them for not listening to me."

Sara lets out a small chuckle, "So no torture?"

"I never said they had to be in bed for us to torment them." I open the front door and Sara follows me into the house.

I can hear someone up and wandering between bedroom and bathroom. I walk into the kitchen and put a bagel and two slices of bread in the toaster. I turn to Sara, "What do you want to eat?"

She shrugs. Gently she grabs my arm stopping me halfway to the fridge in my quest to find food for her. Swirling around I look at her. Sara gives my arm a light tug and I walk into her embrace. I close my eyes and rest my head against her shoulder. I allow my arms to circle around her waist. Our bodies fit together perfectly.

What would I have done if I had lost Sara? If I had run? I have come so close to losing her more than once. Circling my fingers around her belt loops I pull Sara closer to me. Craving contact. Needing comfort and safety from the actuality of the journey we have been on so far. The number of times we came so close to leaving each other's lives.

I turn my head so that my lips are centimeters away from the soft skin of Sara's neck. Lifting my head my lips are burning in anticipation. Sara's lips meet mine in a passionate kiss. I can feel the love coursing from Sara into me. Electricity is sparking between our lips. Her lips are soft and full. I caress her jaw line with my thumb, and her hands brush against my face before tangling in my hair. Our lips linger together. There is no need to rush or deepen the kiss. Right now it is about something more. The emotions traveling between us is more than satisfying. I want to stay like this forever.

We are forced to break apart too soon for my liking. Lindsay's entrance into the room leaves us no choice. "I was beginning to think that, that was never going to happen. Took you two long enough," she remarks as she grabs her bagel out of the toaster.

I can feel the blush creeping onto my cheeks. I know I shouldn't let it because it is exactly what Lindsay wants. Maybe this time it wasn't her intention to embarrass me, maybe she was making an innocent statement, but that is not usually the case. "Morning Linzz," Sara says. She seems to be completely unaffected by my daughters comment. She was probably expecting it.

"Morning Sar. Please don't stop kissing my mom on my account. You have a lot of lost time to make up for." She smiles and winks at Sara. Sara is leaning against the counter behind me so I cannot see her expression. Lindsay locks eyes with me and beams. "Good morning Mom."

"Morning babe." I turn and grab my toast. Sara has moved to the table. I hear a dull thump and then Lindsay's quiet, "Oww." I smile to myself. Making my way to the table I realize Sara never told me what she wanted. I set my plate in front of her. "What do you want on it?"

"Cath, I can make my own."

She moves to stand up. "Nonsense Sara. I'm already up. I can make more. Now what do you want on it?" I hand her what she needs and lean against the counter.

"Which of you love struck puppies are taking me to school?"

"Hey, I don't pick on you and Jay," she sends me a disbelieving look, "Often. Even though I have plenty of opportunities."

"That's because you love me too much to embarrass me all of the time."

"Well it's good to know you don't love me enough not to embarrass me Linzz. Speaking of Jay where is she? She was here when I left last night."

"Her brother wanted her for something."

"Oh," Lindsay gets up and leaves the room. I take a seat next to Sara and steal the remainder of toast off her plate.

"Hey, I wasn't done with that!"

"Sorry," I hand her the last bite toast. She rolls her eyes at me and smiles, but doesn't say anything.

My eyelids are becoming increasingly heavier. "I'll take Linzz to school Cat. You need to sleep." I know she is right. I can't remember the last time I got more than two hours of sleep.

"Are you coming back," I ask through a yawn.

"I don't know. I was thinking about going home and going to bed."

"You can sleep here… please." I know I won't be able to sleep without Sara. She has the ability of keeping my fears away. Allowing me to shut off my mind.

"Alright." A tired smile touches her lips. I have the suspicion she hasn't had a proper night's sleep in as long as I have. If not longer.

"I'll be waiting for you." I say before chastely kissing her and leaving the room.

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The mattress sinks behind me as Sara sits on it. I open my eyes as the covers lift. Turning around I snuggle into Sara side before closing my eyes. Her arms snake around me and I drape an arm over her stomach.

Her lips are on mine. Teasing me by pulling away every time I try to return the gesture. I move so the upper half of my body is hovering over her. I open my eyes briefly to look at her before capturing her lips with mine.

Smiling into the kiss I pull away. "Don't tease me sweetheart. I'm too tired." I rest my head on Sara's chest and hold her tightly.

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A pounding makes its way through my dream. Opening my eyes I realize someone is at the door. Quietly I groan before I carefully release myself from Sara's arms. I slip out of bed and make my way to the door. Opening it I find Nick supporting Warrick. "Hey Cath. Can Warrick crash here? I wouldn't let him drive home, and he insisted on coming over here."

"Hey girl," Warrick says watching me through unfocused eyes.

"Hey Rick. Come on in." I take one of Warrick's arms and drape it over my shoulder. He leans against me for support.

As I lead him to the couch I can hear Nick's voice from the other room, "Hey Sara. What are you doing here?"

"Crashing." Even though Sara never took up my offer about staying here whenever she needed to, she knew the offer was there.

"I'll see you at the lab then. Bye Cath."

"Bye." I help Warrick onto the couch. Grabbing a blanket I cover him. "Get some sleep Rick." Before I can move away I feel his hand on my wrist. I know what is next. He tugs my arm with more force than usual.

I lose my balance and fall on him. "You're so beautiful Cath." His hand is on the back of my head. His lips centimeters from mine.

"Warrick stop." I struggle to pull away from him. His lips brush against mine. "Warrick I said stop!" I twist out of his grip. Stepping out his reach I say, "Get some sleep." I can feel the tears welling in my eyes. How could he let things get so bad that he is dependent on drugs and alcohol? How could I let him fall so far? Is there something I can do? Can't he find something to hold onto?

It's Sara all over again.

"Cath why can't I sleep in your bed? You let Grissom sleep in your bed."

I look at him. His eyes are bloodshot. He is tired. I can smell the alcohol from here. "I'm sleeping in my bed."

"So, you were sleeping in your bed last time Grissom was in it too."

"It's different Warrick." Grissom wasn't drunk and trying to make out with me. Grissom was sweet. I needed a friend. Some form of comfort. He showed up at my door. Needing the same thing I did. He held me while we slept. Nothing more. "Go to sleep."

I turn. Sara is leaning against the doorframe watching us. I can't read her emotions. Her expression is indifferent.

I brush past her and head toward my bedroom. She follows silently. When we are in the hall I hear her voice from behind me, "How long has this been going on?"

"What?" I am afraid she will read more into Grissom being in my bed than there is to what really happened.

"Things with Warrick. How long has it been going on?" I can tell she is upset. The tone of her voice gives her away.

"A little while. It's no big deal."

"No big deal? Cat…"

"Please Sara, it's nothing."

I crawl under the covers. Sara closes the door then copies my actions. "Catherine you can't tell me this isn't hurting you."

"Sara, please don't." I can feel the tears building in my eyes again. It doesn't matter if it hurts me. I can't abandon Warrick. I can't say no if he needs me.

"Catherine I saw what he did. I know it's the not the first time it has happened. You can't let him do this to you."

"What can I do about it Sara?" Tears are trickling down my cheeks. Sara wipes them away.

Wrapping her arms around me she pulls me closer to her. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

"No. It's not your fault," I can feel the tears coming faster. "I don't want to make the same mistake I did with you…I should have been there. I should have helped you through it any way that I could… I should have been there…you…you must have hated me."

"I could never hate you baby." Her arms tighten around me. "I'll help you. You don't have to deal with this alone anymore." I try to pull her closer to me. "Can I ask you something?"

"S..sure," My breathing is unsteady.

"What happened when you slept with Gil. Did you sleep with him or did you _sleep_ with him."

"Ewww Gil. I can't believe you even have to ask that question. He's been one of my best friends for fourteen years."

"I had to ask."

"I know. I know you did. I was feeling down. He showed up feeling just as shitty as me. He held me while we slept. That's all." I look up at Sara. I can see it in her eyes. She believes me. "Plus Gil is too much of a gentleman to make a move on me." She smiles at me.

"I hope not, or I'd have to kick his ass." I chuckle lightly.

I press my lips against hers. When I pull away I leave our lips barely touching. Her eyes are sparkling through half closed lids. I rest my hand on her cheek and she leans into the touch. "Thank you," I whisper.

"For what," My lips tingle as her lips graze mine.

"Everything," I reply before closing the distance between us.

* * *

TBC...


	30. Chapter 30

**EDITED**

* * *

**Sara's POV**

The morning sun warms my back as I mix the mold for a cast of a shoe impression. It is possible that Rebecca Hunt ran away, but there is also the possibility that someone took her. That's why we are here. Pouring the mix over the print I search the dirt for anything more that could be important. Not seeing anything that I believe I should collect I open my kit and start putting my supplies away.

I was on my way out of the lab this morning when Catherine called me to inform me that we had a case and that I needed to find Greg to bring him along.

A thump behind me catches my attention. I swirl around in time to catch Catherine plunging head first into the pool and Greg struggling to keep his balance after tripping over Catherine's kit and knocking into her.

My jaw drops and I am torn between laughter and pity. Greg is so dead.

Catherine's head breaks the surface of the water. Turning she wipes the water from her eyes. She zeros in on Greg who is struggling not to laugh. I can tell he is nervous but he chooses the humor. Hoping to make Catherine laugh too.

Her eyes narrow and she flexes her jaw. "You wait until I get out of here Sanders. I am going to fucking kill you!" She begins to swim toward the steps. Greg is frozen in place.

"Greg that is your cue to grab your shit and run as fast as you can," I say half heartedly. I am distracted by Catherine emerging from the pool. Greg rapidly collects his evidence as Catherine stalks toward him.

Her hair is plastered back; now a dark shade of brown. Drops of water cling to her eyelashes and trickle down her creamy skin. Her shirt it sticking to her skin; hugging her amazing curves, and revealing the bra that lies beneath the soaked fabric. Her jeans, which I believed could get no tighter, appear to be painted on.

Greg breaks into a run as he makes his way out front. Bags flopping around at his side. Catherine follows suit and begins to run full speed after poor Greggo. "Get back here!" Her expression is full of anger and determination.

If he doesn't die now he will later.

The squealing of tires is accompanied by Catherine's shouts. "I'm going to get you Greg! You can't run! I'll get you back for this if it is the last thing I do!" I can't help but laugh. The neighbors are starting to peek out of their windows. This shouldn't be funny. We're at work. But it is.

I lift my cast and bag it. I am picking up the last of our collected evidence when Catherine returns to the backyard. As I move closer to her I notice she has started to shiver. "Come on babe. Let's get you back to the lab and dried off."

She hugs herself as the cool morning air nips at her wet, glistening skin. "That little shit," I smile and she sends me a death glare. The longer her eyes remain on me the softer her expression becomes. "The one day I don't have any extra clothes. I brought them home to wash last shift… … I wasn't planning on being dunked in a pool."

"You can borrow some of mine."

"Thanks." I put the evidence in the back of the Tahoe. I get in and crank the heat before pulling away from the crime scene.

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Walking into the locker room I can hear a shower running. Sitting on the bench I open the latest _Journal of Forensic Science_ that I grabbed off Grissom's desk on my way here. I'll give it back later.

Quickly my mind wanders to Catherine. Alone. In the shower. Naked. I could easily slip in with her, and we could just as easily be caught. If I could just steal a small kiss...

Two days ago after Warrick showed up at the house, and after a fair amount of kissing, Catherine and I talked. She was honest with me. She revealed that she is still frightened about messing things up; about hurting me. She has other fears and insecurities. However none are as large as her fear of losing me altogether. I let Catherine know that she is not alone. That I share many of the same uncertainties. For the same reasons and for completely different reasons. I made promises to Catherine that day. I promised her that she would not, could not; lose me no matter what she does. Based on my behavior in the past I don't blame her if she does not believe me. I also promised her that we could take things slow. Take time to work on our fears, and sort things out together. It is a comfort to have Catherine at my side. It is a comfort to know that we do not have to rush. That I do not have to rush. It is even a necessity for me. I believe it is for Catherine too.

For a moment I believed that this meant I could no longer kiss her if we were to take it one step at a time. Thankfully Catherine reassured me I can kiss her whenever I want. This was a relief to me because I have come to need kissing Catherine as much as I need oxygen.

I have always feared commitment. I have feared the attachment to another and the vulnerability you receive with putting your trust in another. But when I was lying in bed with Catherine. Talking to her, listening to her, and holding her I knew at that moment that if I am given the chance, if Catherine lets me, I will spend the rest of my life with her. Loving her and the girls, watching Linzz and Jay grow, and trying to do everything possible to make them happy. Forever.

Being with Catherine makes everything that bothers me seems less worrisome. Less frightening. She makes everything dark outside of our little world unimportant. If only for a couple of hours.

At the sound of footsteps I struggle out of a rare, love induced haze. Catherine makes her way into my view from around the lockers. At the sight of her all of my promises fly out the window and I have to restrain myself from taking her right here and now.

She is wrapped in a barely there towel with water trickling down her body. Her cheeks and shoulder have a light pink hue to them. As she walks I marvel at the lines etching into her calves as strong muscles move beneath smooth skin.

She opens my locker and grabs a pair of dark jeans. Gathering all my strength I look away as she puts them on. I should probably be working on our case, but I am glued to the spot. Once I am certain she has the jeans on I turn back to her. I am admiring the way the jeans are loose, but hug her ass when she drops her towel.

I should look away but I can't. My mouth goes dry as the temperature in the room increases. Catherine bends over searching through the clothing in my locker. Rapidly my eyes travel her; taking in every detail. Craving more. The bumps of her spine are visible when she is bent over. As she moves clothing aside defined muscles undulate under lightly freckled skin. From where I am sitting I can see the perfect curve of her breast. Leaving me to imagine what is hidden from me. I long to reach out run my hands over the perfection in front of me. To touch every inch of her body.

Catherine looks over her shoulder at me. As we lock eyes she beams at me with a knowing expression. "Hun your pager is going off."

"Huh?" Her words take a while to register. When they finally do I realize my pager is indeed vibrating against my hip. If it is Greg he is going to not only to be on Catherine's death list but mine too. I am going to let her kill him and then find a way to resurrect him. I will then proceed to torment him until he is begging me to kill him and end the pain. If it is anyone else I will do the same, but I will be spared the task of bring them back to life.

I take my pager off of my belt. My eyes graze Catherine's back once more before I look down at my pager. "Wendy," I growl. Standing up I don't chance glancing back at Catherine before leaving.

As I make my way down the hall I increase my barely audible grumbling when I notice that my underwear is uncomfortably wet. Unfortunately that is not something I can add to my rapidly growing list of things I can blame on Wendy.

Entering the DNA lab I snap, "What do you want?" causing Wendy to jump. There was more force in my tone than I intended, but I feel it was justified. She would be in a homicidal mood too if she was ripped away from a half naked Catherine Willows.

"I have your results on the cigarette butt from the back yard." I snatch the paper out of her hand and send her a death glare before exiting the room. Leaving Wendy thoroughly confused.

I find Greg entering fingerprints into the computer. He glances at me and starts to subtly roll himself away from me. "Shit not you too. What did I do this time?" He holds up his hands in surrender.

I roll my eyes. "Not you, Wendy." Relief spreads across his face. "Anything suspicious?"

"Not yet. Most of the prints are Rebecca's." I nod. I was expecting that answer. The DNA on the cigarette belongs to Rebecca too. I was hoping for a hint of something. Someone that could have taken her. Someone who she could have run away with. I turn and walk out of the room.

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Sitting at the table in the layout room I decide to look through the girl's diary. There was such a lack of evidence at the crime scene my suspicions of her running away are becoming stronger by the minute.

I begin to flip through the pages. Everything looks normal. No hint of any relationships or anything that would press Rebecca into run away. Suddenly a passage catches my eye. _He did it again. Tonight when he believed my mom wasn't looking. He began to rub the inside of my thigh under the table. I couldn't do anything. I hate it when he touches me. I tell him to stop but he won't listen. I can't tell my mom because I know she would never believe me._ I can sense my anger beginning to boil. I found my reason.

Skimming a few entries I find it again. _When my mom ran to the store today I was alone with him. He kissed me. I tried to pull away, but Andrew wouldn't let me. When he was done I went up to my room and locked the door. Then I waited for my mom to come home._ I don't want to read any further. I don't want to find the point where he enters her room one night. I don't want to face this young girl's reality, because it will force me to face my own reality. I will have to remember. I will have to experience every emotion that ran through me. I will lose control. I might compromise the case, and Rebecca needs my help. She needs to know she is safe at home. She needs to have justice. That's all I can do for her and I will, because I remember clearly needing all of those things when I was younger. I remember what it was like to never have that safety, or the knowledge that what was happening wasn't somehow my fault. I am determined to give her that.

"Sar, Brass called. They found Rebecca trying to hitchhike a few towns over. They are bringing her in to question. Do you want to interrogate her with me?" I tear my eyes away from the journal and focus on Catherine. "Hun, what's wrong?"

I should have known I couldn't hide anything from Catherine, not that I even bother trying anymore. I look back down at the diary. The words scrawled upon the page. Telling the dark truth that no one in this girl's life would ever believe. I hold out the notebook for Catherine to take.

She reads the page I've marked and then the one I was on when she walked in. She finishes reading and glances at me before flipping through some more pages. An overwhelming surge of love and gratefulness hits me. Catherine stops on a page and begins to read. She is finding out what happens next so I don't have to. So I don't have to face the torture of two worlds colliding. My past and a teenager's present. Filling me with pain and confusion that would eat away at my mind and soul.

Closing the diary Catherine takes a seat next to me. She stares down at the notebook for a few minutes. Resting a hand on my forearm she asks, "Are you going to be okay?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I try to put on an air of indifference, but I know it's not working. She gives me a look that says, 'You know exactly why.'

"I don't want you interviewing her." Her expression holds knowledge. I should have read the damn diary.

"Cat I'll be fine."

"I don't believe you."

"Catherine…"

"Please Sara… You can watch." I gaze into her eyes. Lying deep within is what I was looking for. Worry. Worry and love.

I sigh, "Alright." She squeezes my arm and gets up.

"Thank you." I follow her out of the room. "Can you tell Greg where we are going? I have to talk to Nick quickly." I nod. I'm still not very happy with her. At least this time I am certain it is because she cares.

"Hey Greg," I say finding him at the same computer that he was when I left him earlier. "They found Rebecca trying to hitchhike. Cath and I are going to interview her. You want to come?"

"No thanks. I'd prefer to stay as far away from Catherine as I can at the moment." I can't help but chuckle. If I was him I'd be nervous too. You don't knock Catherine into a pool on purpose or on accident and get away with it.

Greg tenses at the clicking of heels signaling Catherine's approach. I look over my shoulder at her as she enters the room. She is breathtaking. My jeans are loose on her but they hug her in the right places. She is wearing high heel boots so that the legs aren't too long. She picked out my army green tank top and is wearing my leather jacket over it. Her hair has dried with a slight wave. I have a preference to her half naked or even better in that barely there towel, but she does look amazing.

I am surprised when she leans into my back and rests her head against her shoulder. She has yet to show obvious affection at work. I figured we had a silent agreement not to, because there is such a high risk of being caught. I don't know about Catherine, but I'm not ready to tell anyone who doesn't know yet.

"Are you ready to go babe?"

I try to reply, but the words don't come out. I've just realized that Catherine isn't wearing a bra.

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Standing behind the glass I observe the teenage girl hunched over at the table, hiding in her hair. Rebecca looks younger than Lindsay or Jay. She is younger, and she shouldn't have to go through this. She is a brunette, overly slim and dressed in baggy clothes. An invisible hand squeezes my heart when I think about what she has had to put up with. I should be in there.

The door quietly opens and Catherine steps into the room. Rebecca glances up for a second before returning her gaze to the table. Her body language clues me into the fact that she is wary of Catherine. I gaze at Catherine for a moment and I can tell by the emotions in her eyes she is still shocked that this girl is so young. But she knows it happens. She's been doing this job for too long not to know. It doesn't stop the emotions though. Time never can.

Catherine takes a seat across from the girl. "Hi Rebecca. I'm Catherine Willows. I work with the Crime Lab." I can tell she is trying to get a reaction from Rebecca who continues to concentrate on the table. The room falls into a silence while Catherine skims through the folder in front of her. She is giving Rebecca time to take in the information and respond.

"I don't want to go back there if he is going to be there," the teenager says quietly. _He_, the step-father, Andrew.

"He might not be there. We found your diary Rebecca." She looks up at Catherine and her hair falls away from her face. Tired hazel eyes probe Catherine for her honesty.

"Did…did you read it?"

"Yes. If you can tell me what happened. What he has done to you; we will put him away in jail for a long time. But I need to hear it from you."

"Just you and me?" Catherine shakes her head no, and Rebecca looks hesitant. I've always admired Catherine's honesty. She knows just as well as I that it puts people at ease. They are more likely to trust her.

She points to the glass and Rebecca follows with her eyes. "My collogue and very close friend Sara Sidle is behind the glass observing. Would you like her to join us?" Rebecca nods and I note that Catherine looks worried.

I walk into the room and take a seat next to Catherine. "Hi Rebecca, I'm Sara." I send her a small, kind smile. Looking into her eyes I see the one thing I never had.

Hope.

* * *

TBC...


	31. Chapter 31

**Re-edited**

* * *

Catherine's POV

The world seems as if it is moving around me while I stand in one spot as I leave the lab. Out of the corner of my eye I catch Sara holding Rebecca back for a moment. I stop and watch as Rebecca's mom unaware of her daughter's abrupt halt keeps walking. Sara says something to Rebecca I cannot decipher from so far away and then she slips the teenager her card. I turn and continue my journey to the parking lot not wanting to interact with anyone at the moment. I am longing to curl up in bed and fall into a deep sleep. One that I never have to wake up from.

I want to pick up Lindsay from school early. I want to hold her to me and never let go, because that way I know she is safe from all that I am forced to see at work. I want to be reassured that nothing like what I have seen this morning could ever happen to my innocent, baby girl. But I know it can. It can happen to anyone. Crime picks its victims randomly. We have no way of knowing where, who, or how until after it happens. Crime has it exceptions Sara, Lindsay, and Nick being three of them, but very few times do we get a warning that someone is going to die. Almost never do we get a chance to save them. Prevent their deaths.

I open the doors to the lab and I am assaulted by the afternoon sun. Getting in my car I decide that, that is exactly what I am going to do. Pick up my daughter.

As I pull out of the parking lot I dial the number to Lindsay's school and inform them I will be picking Lindsay and Jay up early. About a month ago I was added to the list of people allowed to pick Jay up, and I believe I was also made an emergency contact since I don't work during the day. I am informed that Jay isn't in school today, but that they will let Lindsay know I am coming.

I close my phone and turn up the volume on the radio. Half way to Lindsay's school my phone begins to ring. I glance at the ID and learn that it is Sara. I grab my phone and then set it back down. It stops ringing and then beeps to let me know I have a voicemail.

Something was holding me back and I can't explain it. I can barely understand it, but for some reason a part of me didn't want to talk to Sara, and I listened to it.

I turn into the school parking lot and I can see Lindsay standing waiting. I stop and she gets in. "Hey babe."

"Hey," she replies quietly. Lindsay's demeanor has been off lately. The bags under her eyes have become increasingly darker, she has lost weight, and there is something else right now that I can't put my finger on.

"I thought we could spend some time together. I was going to pick up Jay too, but the school said she isn't in today."

Lindsay looks out the window and replies, "Yeah…she's sick."

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Walking into the break room I grab Sara's coffee mug as I pass her. In the corner of my eye I see her look up from her magazine, but I don't return the gaze. I pour myself a cup of coffee and refresh her mug while her eyes bore into my back.

Taking a seat next to Sara on the sofa I am careful to leave space between us. I hand her, her coffee and watch the video game the guys are playing. I can feel the heat of Sara's hand hovering over mine, but she moves it away. I'm really not being fair to her and she is probably worried. The things she has done for me flash through my mind as I turn to her. "Hey." I send her a small smile.

"Hey," Discretely she brushes my cheek with her hand before tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "What's wrong?" Her voice is quiet and she glances quickly at the guys before turning back to me.

"Nothing," I reply. I can't explain to her what is going on. It doesn't seem like what was bothering me earlier is even bothering me now. Knowing that the Nick, Warrick and Greg are too absorbed in their video game to pay us any attention I lean in to brush my lips against Sara's. I close my eyes when our lips are about to touch. When my lips don't graze hers I reopen my eyes. Sara has moved as far back against the armrest as she can. Her eyes are rapidly darting around to see if anyone noticed my actions. Shit.

I didn't realize she was uncomfortable about people knowing. I guess we still have things to talk about. "Sar, I'm sorry."

"It's fine." She moves a little closer to me, but I notice the distance she leaves between us.

What has changed between us since the end of last shift? I didn't answer her phone call, and she becomes guarded after I try to kiss her. How can everything change so quickly?

I gaze back into her dark eyes and I can see the regret in them. She slides closer to me and rests her hand on top of mine. She eases my confusion and worry. She removes her hand from mine, and sits even closer to me. She rests her head against the back of the couch. Her lips are next to my ear and when she opens them to talk my skin tingles as they brush against my ear. "I was thinking that we haven't really had our first date yet," Sara whispers. "So I was wondering, if you're not busy, if maybe you would want to come over to my place for dinner before shift tomorrow."

Before I can answer Grissom walks into the room and begins to hand out assignments. A hint of guilt makes itself present within me. I bet I know exactly what the voicemail Sara left me says.

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Standing in the morgue my mind is miles away from the body on the autopsy table. I haven't gotten a chance to talk to Sara since I saw her at the beginning of shift. I want to tell her I would love to go over to her place for dinner.

My phone starts to ring and I excuse myself before moving into the hall for privacy. "Willows."

"Catherine…" There is a loud crashing noise in the background.

"Jay? Jay sweetie is that you?"

"Help…" There is another crash.

"Jay? Jay, where are you. Stay on the line." I have started to jog through the halls of the lab toward the exist.

"Help me…please…going…hurt…home…" There is undecipherable yelling in the background. I got what I needed though. She's at her house.

"Stay on the phone with me babe. Can you do that?"

"Hurry…" The line goes dead and my panic continues to increase. I dial 911 and give them Jay's address as I jump into a Tahoe and peel out of the parking lot. I hit the lights and speed down the road. I can hear the sirens of the police officers responding to the call in the distance. An ambulance pulls out in front of me causing me to slow slightly. I follow as closely as possible without crashing into it.

The ambulance pulls up to the curb of a house and paramedics jump out. I follow suit. The place is looking even more run down since the last time I was here. The police have already arrived, and I am stopped at the front porch. I look at the familiar officer, but can't place a name to his face. "Let me through I'm with the Crime Lab." I say as I try to force my way through.

"I know who you are ma'am but no one called the Crime Lab so I can't let you through."

I cease my movements and stare him directly in the eyes. I am fully aware of the look I am sending him, and I can tell he is ready to back off. "Let. Me. Through." I can hear many footsteps, and look away from the young man in front of me. A pair of paramedics make their way through the door with a stretcher in between them. There is no doubt in my mind who the limp form on it is. "Jay!"

I renew my effort to make it past the police officer. The paramedics walk down the stairs and I meet them at the bottom. "Jay sweetie." I can feel hot tears pouring down my cheeks.

"Ma'am are you riding along?" I nod. "You have to stay out of the way."

"I will." I take Jay's hand in mine. I refuse to let go of it as they lift her into the ambulance. I step into the back and take a seat on the metal bench. I brush a strand of hair from her face.

I keep trying to tell myself she will be okay.

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I am staring off into space in the waiting room. I anxiously await any news of how Jay is doing. I've called Sara who is picking up Lindsay and bringing her here.

How could I have missed what was going on? The signs were obvious; lack of sleep, more layers of clothes, loss of weight, and Jay's absence around the house. Even more obvious was Lindsay's knowledge of what was going on. I know what I saw in her eyes when I picked her up from school. Worry. She knew something was wrong. I noticed how clingy she had been to Jay when Jay was over, but I assumed they were having problems.

I'm a CSI for fucks sake! How the hell did I not put the pieces together?

Now look where Jay is. In the hospital. I have no clue how serious her injuries are and everyone is refusing to tell me how she is doing.

I put my face in my hands to cover the renewed wave of tears that is flowing from me. I am shaking, and I can't hinder my movements. I don't care who is staring at me. How the hell did it come to this?

A hand slides around my back and I am pulled into a strong embrace. "It's okay Cat. She's going to be okay." Sara whispers into my ear. I bury my face in her shoulder and continue to sob.

"How could I miss this Sara? How could I let this happen?" A hand takes mine and I know Lindsay is sitting on my other side. "How… how…"

"You're not the only one who missed this baby. It isn't your fault." Sara begins to run her fingers through my hair.

"I…how…she…" Lindsay's hand tightens on mine. Taking deep breaths I try to pull myself together. Once I have stopped shaking I move away from Sara's shoulder.

Looking at Lindsay she appears just as horrible as I feel. "Hey sweetie." I squeeze her hand, and she becomes more vulnerable. I tug on her arm and she sits on my lap. I wrap one arm around her and lace the fingers of my free hand with Sara's. I rest my head on Lindsay's back so that I can see Sara beside me.

Tears are building in Sara's eyes. A mixture of anger and fear, but she is refusing to let them fall. I tighten my grip on her hand. She leans in and I chastely kiss her. Lindsay doesn't say a word signaling how deeply affected she is by what is happening.

"Catherine Willows?" A male voice asks. I get up and walk over to the man calling me. "You came in with Jay Evans?" I nod.

"She is going to be okay. We want to keep her overnight as a precaution, but she is free to go tomorrow as long as she has a safe place to stay." A weight is lifted off of my chest.

"Can we see her?"

"We?"

I motion toward Sara and Lindsay. "My daughter Lindsay is Jay's girlfriend, and then there is my partner Sara Sidle."

He looks at the three of us for a moment and then replies, "That should be fine."

I look at Sara and Lindsay and they stand up and follow the doctor and I to see Jay.

I take a deep breath as he opens the door. Jay is lying in the bed bruised and fragile. She seems so small against the white of the sheets. Behind me Lindsay smothers a sob. I move so that she can get past me and she rushes over to the bed. Jay opens her eyes and gazes quietly at Lindsay as she intertwines their fingers.

I am stuck paralyzed at the door with Sara behind me her hand on my lower back. Guilt is coursing through my veins. How could I miss this? How? Fiery tears are building in my eyes again.

A dark bruise has formed around Jay's eye with a deep cut beneath it. A there is a dark handprint across her cheek. Her pale arms are spotted with faded and fresh marks.

I force myself to look away. To gain control. My eyes wander back to Jay, and instantly lock with electric blue ones. "Hey sweetheart," I manage to say. I can feel my lower lip trembling.

Jay motions for me to come closer. Sara takes my hand and a small amount of warmth seeps into me.

I perch on the edge of the bed. Bending over I kiss her forehead. Her arms slip around my waist and she holds me closely. I can feel her small body beginning to tremble beneath me. I wrap her in my embrace. "Shhh sweetie you're safe now. You're safe now. It's okay." Her tears are soaking my shirt as she struggles to control herself.

Jay takes a deep, rattling breath. She whispers into my ear, "Thank you Cath." I smile and carefully tighten my grip on her.

I kiss her head and whisper back, "That's what family is for honey." I let go of her and get off the bed. I turn my attention to Lindsay who has been watching us with silent tears streaming down her face. Sara is crouched beside her with an arm around Lindsay's back trying to comfort her. Lindsay notices me watching her and tries to turn away.

I know she feels she has to be strong around me. She always has. She tries to be there for me. Untouchable, and indestructible. I try to let Lindsay know that she doesn't have to be. She is my daughter and I should be the one there for her. I haven't been the most reliable person. When it comes to the big things yes, but for everything else I've been too busy trying to earn enough to give her the life I never had.

Thank God she has Sara, or were would she be now?

"Love," Lindsay's eyes dart up to meet Jay's. A small smile curls the edges of my lips. I can see the reassurance in Lindsay's eyes at the sound of her nickname coming from Jay's lips. "Come here."

Lindsay crawls under the covers with Jay and drapes a protective arm over her stomach. "Cat?" I gaze at Sara. "I think the doctor needs to talk to you." For the first time I notice the noises around us. The familiar unpleasant sounds of a hospital.

I look over my shoulder at the doctor standing in the doorway. I walk toward him and note that Sara isn't behind me. "Sara, babe are you coming?" I ask over my shoulder. There are light footsteps behind me and then Sara closes the door as she leaves the room.

I look at the doctor expectantly. "I'm Dr. Fielding. I have called Jay's parents and they are flying out of Mass. as we speak. They have decided that since their daughter seems to trust you that, if it is not of any inconvenience to you, Jay can stay with you until they arrive."

"Of course." I hadn't thought about what this means. Jay will have to go back to Mass. God this will tear Lindsay apart.

"Maybe you can find a way for Jay to spend some time here Cath. I'm sure her parents wouldn't mind her staying over the summer." I gaze into Sara's eyes and know she is thinking along the exact same lines I am.

"Maybe."

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Lindsay and Jay are fast asleep in the hospital bed. I am curled up in Sara's lap in a chair she moved up to the edge of the bed. I can barely make out her eyes focused intently on me. I capture her lips with mine. I rest my hand on her cheek as she takes my bottom lip between her teeth. Her hands tangle in my hair. I stifle a moan and break the kiss. Resting my forehead on hers and focus on her warm breath mixing with mine and causing my lips to tingle as it caresses them.

The silence that surrounds us is comfortable. I can tell there is a smile touching Sara's lips. "I bet Jay and Lindsay will be busy tomorrow night."

It takes my brain a few minutes to register what she has said. "Ewwww Sara Sidle those are our daughters you are talking about! How could yo…"I let my sentence trail off as I realize what I have said. My eyes shoot open as I pull away so I can try to decipher Sara's expression through the darkness.

She is stoic. Staring into my eyes, and I return the gaze. Suddenly a smile breaks onto her face that reaches her eyes. "Our daughters…" I almost see the phrase repeating through her mind. "I like the sound of that."

I beam at her. "Me too hun, me too."

* * *

TBC...


	32. Chapter 32

**EDITED VERSION**

* * *

Sara's POV

I watch as Lindsay slips her arm around Jay's waist as we walk out of the hospital. So far she has not let Jay out of her reach, and I have a feeling that it will be this way for a while. Jay doesn't seem to mind. In fact as soon as she heard her parents are flying in she began to return the clinginess.

I discreetly observe Catherine from the corner of my eye. Even after we learned Jay was absolutely fine her demeanor has been off. She blames herself for what happened. I could tell last night she was wrestling with herself. There are always three ways to tell if something is bothering her. She is full of unexplained anger, she is extra touchy like last night, or she isolates herself like she has been doing since she woke up this morning.

Every time I look at Jay all I feel is anger. Her bruises get to me. Worse than when I see victims at work because I know her, and I love her. I remember all of the pain I suffered in the hands of those I was supposed to be able to trust. Then I think about what she must be going through. Her brother better stay as far away from Catherine, Lindsay, and I as he can.

I reach out to take Catherine's hand and she puts more distance between us. Not only is she blaming herself for what happened, but she is stressing over Jay's parent's arrival. She is worried about what will happen to Lindsay if Jay has to leave.

I am too. Jay is the center of Lindsay's life. If she leaves Lindsay's life will crash down around her. No matter how hard she tries to hide it, it is obvious that Lindsay is just as nervous as the rest of us.

I long for the bit of comfort Catherine's hand in mine would give me. I silently battle with my ghosts as they blend with Jay's present. I don't say a word about what is going on in my own mind. I don't want to add any more guilt or worry to anyone's lives. I've dealt with it alone before, and I can do it again. I just have to keep myself away from the beer in the bottom of Catherine's fridge.

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Jay's parents should be here in twenty minutes. Catherine offered to pick them up when they called to check in, but they declined her invitation. Lindsay has her arms wrapped tightly around Jay, but not tight enough to hurt Jay's fragile skin. Jay has her head on Lindsay's shoulder and her legs are curled in Lindsay's lap. They have managed to squeeze themselves into the overstuffed arm chair in Catherine's living room.

Catherine is sitting on the opposite end of the couch from me. Lindsay's eyes are darting back and forth between us. I have no doubt she is trying to figure out what has happened to cause such a distance. I try to reassure her through silent conversation that Catherine and I have not had an argument, but I can tell she doesn't believe me.

For a brief second I can feel Catherine's eyes on me. That's all it takes for her to receive the answer to her question. She stands up and walks out of the room. I have the urge to follow her, but know better. She still needs her space. If her distance lasts into tomorrow then I will try to help her back into a healthier mind set.

The fridge door slams shut and a minute later I can hear some form of liquid being poured down the sink. Catherine is getting rid of the beer.

"What happened?" Lindsay hisses through her teeth at me when she is certain her mom can't hear.

The hostility in her voice is clear. I know it is not all directed at me. That she needs a vent for her overwhelming emotions, but it doesn't ease my pain as the venom in her voice stings me. For a moment I can't figure out how she could believe I would even attempt to, on purpose or not, hurt Catherine at a time like this. Then I remember that I have before and guilt floods me. I shouldn't have given Lindsay any time to believe the scenarios she has most likely come up with as she tried to distract her mind from the possible outcomes that could occur with Jay's parents coming into town. "Nothing Linzz. She is upset," I whisper back.

"So you are letting her pull away? Haven't you figured out by now how hard it is to get her out of her mind once she is stuck in it?" She retorts. I can see the anger flaring in her eyes. She is looking for a fight.

"This is a stressful time for all of us Lindsay, and especially for you and Jay, but I am not going to sit around and let you take your anger out on me. I have been around your mom and her moods for about eight years now. I know I haven't always handled the situations correctly, but I do know when to give your mom space, and when to attempt to coax her out of her mood. Do you think I like seeing her like this?"

Lindsay doesn't respond because Catherine's footsteps can be heard coming toward us. Instead she sends me a death glare. I refuse to flinch away even though it is a glare that could give Catherine a run for her money.

Catherine re-enters the room and sits back down on the couch. I immediately notice that she has left less distance between us than before, but I don't make a move to touch her.

Jay has been sitting quietly watching the interactions between all of us. She has always been pale, but today she is deathly pale. I can see the unshed tears in her eyes. Lindsay must have seen something in my expression as I took in Jay's appearance, because Lindsay begins to gently run her fingers up and down Jay's arm.

I glance at her and we lock eyes. I can see Lindsay's regret and understanding. That's all that matters to me.

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There is a knock on the door and Catherine rises from the couch. I copy her. I am not going to leave her to face Jay's parents alone. Who knows what they are like? They could be complete assholes. They could encourage Catherine's belief that this whole thing is her fault.

We leave the room, but before we do I note that the girl's embraces on each other have tightened.

I stand behind Catherine as she opens the door. I am cautious of the space I leave between us. Standing on the doorstep is a man with the same bright blue eyes, and shining black hair as Jay. The only difference is his hair is speckled with silver. Standing next to him with her arm linked in his is a brunette woman. Her eyes are emerald green, and her skin quite pale like Jay's.

Catherine steps aside and they enter the house. She holds out her hand to the man whose expression is more inviting than his wives. "Hi I'm Catherine Willows. Jay is my daughter Lindsay's best friend." I can tell she is struggling to figure out if she should give more information about the relationship between Lindsay and Jay as the man takes her hand.

"It's nice to meet you Catherine. I'm Bill, and this is my wife Julie." Catherine extends her hand to Julie who reluctantly shakes it.

Their eyes wander to me. It takes Catherine a moment before she says, "This is my best friend and colleague Sara Sidle." Their gazes are suspicious. As if I am an intruder. Particularly Julie's. "She is extremely close with both of the girls." Bill's eyes soften, but Julie's stays the same.

"Hi," Bill says and he holds out his hand, which I take with a grateful expression written upon my face.

"Nice to meet you both," I say quietly.

"If you will follow me, the girls are waiting in the living room." We walk back into the room where the girls are still curled up together in the chair.

Bill walks over to Jay and pulls her into a loving hug. I observe that Julie doesn't seem at all inclined to touch her daughter.

Jay's parents take a seat on the couch and Catherine and I sit next to them. I feel like I should leave. I'm not part of either family. Not really. This seems like it shouldn't be my business. "Mom, Dad this is my girlfriend Lindsay," Jay says.

Her dad smiles at them encouragingly, but her mother's expression remains stoic. I am liking her less and less by the minute. We fall into an awkward silence.

Julie is the first to speak. "Jay you are coming home with us." I can almost see Lindsay's heart shattering. A single tear has freed itself and is running down Jay's cheek.

"What!" Jay exclaims.

"Now Julie I am sure we can work something out," Bill says reasonably. Catherine appears to not even be in the same room anymore.

"That would be great," I reply. I am not sure what is going on with Catherine, but she doesn't seem to be in any fit state to speak.

"Now listen to me Jay," Catherine has come back to earth for the time being. She is now listening with rapt attention to Julie's words. No doubt busy trying to figure out a solution that would benefit the girls. "You're father and I have been patient with you," Bill rolls his eyes, but it goes unnoticed by his wife. "We have allowed you to be involved with other girls so that you could get this phase out of your system. The only reason some adults date the same sex is because their parents never allowed them to experiment when they were younger so they could not grow out of the phase," Catherine looks as if she is about to punch Julie in the face."There are plenty of fine young men out there who would love to date you. We can stand for this no longer. When we allowed you to stay with your brother we hoped you would forget this ridiculous notion that you can fall in love with another girl…"

To my surprise it is not Catherine who interjects, but Bill. "Julie do not get me involved in this. Jay knows I would never put up with any of the bullshit coming from your mouth. You sent her here hoping that she would change into someone she is not." Jay's mom pauses for a moment. Taken aback by her husband's words.

"Please Bill you are only saying that because your brother is bi. You have to."

"What's wrong with being bi?" Catherine asks as she laces our fingers together.

"It's unnatural," Julie replies. Her eyes are glued to our joined hands. With the expression on her face you would think Catherine and I are having sex right before her eyes. Everyone else in the room is torn between anger and laughter.

"You know Jay is a little more than half way through the school year it would be inconvenient to pull her out now. She is welcome to stay here until the end of the school year at least." Catherine suggests. Her words are directed at Bill since Julie appears to have decided that she doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone in this room at the moment.

"I'll be waiting in the car," she announces to her husband and leaves.

"That's kind of you. To be honest with you I think it would be better for Jay to stay here where she is loved by everyone for who she is. That is what we, well I at least was hoping for when we agreed to send her to her brother's…" The car horn beeps from outside.

"It's not a problem at all. We love having Jay around."

Bill stands up. "It was a pleasure to meet all of you. I apologize for my wife," He gives Jay a bear hug and whispers something in her ear. The car horn blares again. "I'll call you if anything changes. Thank you for this I really appreciate it." He shakes hands with Catherine, Lindsay, and I before rushing out the door.

I turn to Jay, "Well you mother sure is an interesting character." She shakes her head and buries her face in Lindsay's shoulder.

"She didn't even ask what happened," Catherine says quietly. She suddenly seems to be in her own little world again. My worry is building steadily. "What kind of mother doesn't want to know what has happened to her daughter when she flies to another state after getting a call informing her, her child is in the hospital? She doesn't even want to know anything about us, and then she rushes her husband out of the house when he could have wanted to know more about the family his daughter will be living with. We could be ax murderers for all she knows."

"My dad knows some things about you. I've talked about you to him before," Jay says quietly, "If he wants to know I will tell him what happened."

I think we all really want to know what happened, but we would never ask her. Jay and I lock eyes. Her stare is like an x-ray. I know she is seeing things I am not choosing to reveal to her. She breaks the connection and stares at the floor.

"It's my fault this happened," Catherine is about to dismiss her statement when Jay says, "Please let me finish, and then you can argue all you want with what I say." Catherine nods. The room is silent. We are all listening intently, hanging on to every one of Jay's words. "It's my fault this happened. I didn't ask for help. Lindsay found out what was going on and I begged her not to say anything. She wanted to go straight to you two. She promised that you could help. It's what you do for a living she said, but I told her how my mom was, and that if anyone found out I would have to go back to Mass. She kept her word to me and didn't say anything, but she did try to talk me into speaking, and kept me as safe as possible. At school she would beg me to come home with her. In the mornings she would help me cleans the cuts in the bathroom at school. She would call my house constantly after school to make sure I was alright," she snuggles deeper into Lindsay. Right now I am proud of Lindsay and her actions. At first I couldn't figure out why Lindsay didn't tell anyone after Catherine confided in me that Lindsay knew. But now I understand, and believe she handled the situation in the best way possible.

"Last night my brother was yelling at me about one of my teachers calling the house. He was drunk and certain I had let it slip that he had been abusing me. I tried to reason with him. The more I did the angrier he got. He was yelling about jail, and how we were supposed to protect each other. I saw it coming when he laid his hand on me for the first time that night. After the second blow I ran into my room and locked the door before he could hit me again. At this point everything going on in his life was my fault. I called Catherine for help. He managed to get into the room, and I had to hang up the phone.

"He kept hitting me then he switched from fists to anything he could lay his hands on. The last thing I remember is his boot smashing into my side as he repeatedly kicked me before I blacked out.

"Then I woke up in the hospital."

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There is a knock on my apartment door and my stomach turns with nerves. It has been two day since Jay told us what happened and neither Catherine or I have left the girls alone since. Grissom was kind enough to give us the past two nights off. Tonight is Greg's night off and he has promised to swing by and hang out with the girls for a while.

Catherine agreed to dinner and a movie at my place before shift tonight. It is our first real date. I hope to be able to take her out to dinner sometime soon.

I open the door. Catherine looks stunning. Somehow she has managed to make her work clothes, a button up blouse and dress pants, look even sexier than usual. She smiles at me as I invite her in.

As soon as the door closes I bring my lips to hers. I rest my hand on her face as she slides her warm tongue into my mouth. Think about that strong muscle, and what she could do with it in other places; sending a shiver up my spine. Catherine smiles into the kiss as if she knows exactly where my mind has wandered to.

I pull away and whisper, "You look amazing."

Catherine links her hands behind my neck. "Why thank you. You look pretty breath taking yourself."

She follows me into the apartment, and I go to check on the food as she sits on the couch. Opening the oven the pleasant aromas of homemade pizza fills the room even more. I take the pizza out, put two slices on each plate, grab two cans of diet coke, and carry everything into the other room.

Catherine is busy putting the movie in the DVD player that she picked out of the stack of videos I rented. "The porn's off limits during dinner," I say and smile sweetly.

She turns to me with an expression of mock disappointment, "Awww man. I didn't know that was an option! It wasn't in the pile or I would have picked it."

"That's because I was hiding it from you." She rolls her eyes at me and then turns around and clicks on the TV.

She sits next to me and takes her plate off the coffee table before resting her head on my shoulder.

We eat in silence except for the occasional laughter caused by the movie. I take Catherine's plate from her when she is done and set it back on the coffee table. I use the table as a foot rest. Catherine returns her head to my shoulder and rests her legs on top of mine. I wrap my arm around her and pull her closer.

Gradually my hand moves lower. I trace patterns on the back of her thighs. "Sara Sidle!"

"Hmmmm?"

"You promised we would go slow and here you are coming dangerously close to touching me in inappropriate places!"

I devilishly grin at her, "So does this mean I'm not getting you into my bed tonight?"

"I never said that," Catherine replies before crashing her lips into mine. My lips instantly part to make way for her tongue as we duel for dominance.

I pull away, "But not right now baby. it's almost time for work."

* * *

TBC...


	33. Chapter 33

**EDITED.**

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

"I know we didn't really have a chance to talk the other day. I was wondering if you were free for breakfast?"

"Of course Bill. I get out of work around six. I'm sure you're not up that early. How about eight? There is a diner right around the corner from my work."

"Sounds good to me," As I give him directions I am silently praying Julie will not be tagging along. There is a light knocking on the other side of my closed office door. "Come in," I say covering the mouth piece of my phone to muffle my voice. Turning my attention back to the man on the other end of the phone I tune in just in time to catch him saying, "Eight it is."

"I'll see you then. Bye."

"Bye."

Running my hand through my hair I close my cell phone and look up at my visitor. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips when I discover a weary looking Sara observing me from the doorway of my office. "Hey sweetie, come in." I say quietly. She steps into the room closing and locking the door behind her. I note the stress and sorrow in her features. I watch her carefully as she crosses the room and leans against my desk in front of me. Her silence is heavy with unspoken words; striking concern within me. Standing I move closer to her. She is refusing to meet my eyes so I gently place a hand on her cheek. "What's wrong?" My voice is barely above a whisper.

She shakes her head with great effort and keeps her eyes focused on the wall. I can tell she is trying to be strong which only makes me more uneasy. I take a step closer to her. Sara's hands slide around my waist and she pulls me into an embrace. Her arms are wound tightly around me; a gesture that is full of need. I hold her closely as I rest my head against her shoulder. "Babe?"

Sara takes a deep breath before speaking, "Tough case."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask as she pulls me further into her.

"No," her voice is barely audible, "I just want to be here with you. Like this." I nod and nuzzle my face into her neck. I allow my hand to wander to the edge of her shirt before letting it slip under the fabric to stroke the soft, smooth skin my fingers find beneath it. One of Sara's arms moves up my back to wrap around my shoulders as she buries her face in my hair. Her warm breath caresses my ears before she whispers, "I love you."

My heart restricts as I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. I know that I love her, and I've told her before, but suddenly I can't form the right words. Of course I love Sara. So why does saying the words this time feel different? Why is it so hard?

Not wanting to give Sara a reason to think that I don't return her feelings I move my head away from her shoulder to get her attention. When she looks at me, eyes swelling with emotion, I capture her lips in a passionate kiss. I try to transfer all of my love and happiness to her through the connection of our lips.

When she pulls away my lips are left tingling and longing to return to hers. She gazes into my eyes and smiles. She knows that I love her.

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I close my locker and sit down on the bench to change my shoes before I leave. I am hoping I have time to go home and shower before I have to meet Bill for breakfast. Hearing footsteps I look up and lock eyes with Sara. Sending her a small smile and return to putting on my boots. "Hey Sar?"

"Yeah?"

"At 8 I'm having breakfast with Jay's dad, and maybe mom," I add hoping the later part of my statement turns out to be false, "Do you want to come with me?"

"I can't babe. I'm sorry."

"That's alright," I reply trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.

I can feel her eyes on me, and I know I didn't do a very good job of hiding my emotions. "I promised Lindsay I would help her with a surprise for Jay. She is trying to cheer Jay up. You know how she's been lately. I have to stop at a few, well okay, more than a few places, to order things and pick things up." I can't help but smile at her statement. She is great with Lindsay and Jay. It makes my love for her surge through me whenever I see the way she is with the girls.

I don't know what to say to express my gratitude toward her so I remain silent. Grabbing my jacket I pull it on and then quickly lock the door. I saunter over to Sara, who's attention I have had since she heard the click of the lock, and make sure to add an extra swing to my hips. She closes her locker, her eyes never leaving me. I can see those chocolate pools darkening with lust.

As I approach her she moves backs up against the lockers. I smile as I note that she has trapped herself. "Cat...we're at work."

"That didn't seem to be a problem earlier." I send her a seductive smile and turn my head to the side a little. I can see her battling with desire and logic, and decide to make the decision for her. I press my body against hers and cover her lips with mine. Her lips part when I demand entrance with my tongue. Sliding my hands down her arms I reach her wrist and grab them before lifting her hands above her head. I can feel her struggling to release her arms. I move my hands into hers and intertwine our fingers effectively keeping her pinned down. Taking her bottom lip into my mouth I suckle on it before gently nibbling it, and ending the kiss. Leaning in next to her ear I whisper "Thank you," while squeezing her hands.

Moving away I glance back at Sara. She is panting and flustered, with swollen lips, still pressed against her locker. I smile and leave the room.

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I rush into the diner afraid of being late. Sara kept me from getting in the shower when she called me from the grocery store asking if I needed anything. She then proceeded to discreetly distract and sidetrack me from getting to my destination.

I walk into the building and glance around relieved to find that Bill isn't here yet. I take a seat at the booth we always sit in when the team goes out. I smile at the waitress who looks familiar and order a coffee. I tap my fingernails against the table as my nerves begin to kick in.

What if Bill decides that I am not fit to be watching his daughter? What if he has changed his mind? How would I tell Lindsay? How would she cope? What about Jay? Sara?

I am distracted from my thoughts when two things happen at once. Bill walks in the door, and I notice Warrick sitting up at the bar trying to impress a young girl, but is only making a fool of himself as his level of intoxication continues to rise. Looks like I'll be seeing him later. I wish I knew what to do to get him to realize what he is doing to himself. What he is doing to the people around him that care about him.

Bill takes a seat across from me and I am pleased to see his wife decided not to join us.

"Hi."

"Hi," he replies. He turns when the waitress addresses him while she sets my coffee in front of me. I nod to her since she is busy talking to Bill.

When he is done he turns to me. "Well Ms. Willows I must say Jay speaks very highly of you, and your _friend_," he puts emphasis on the word friend causing me to smirk, "Ms. Sidle. Jay has told me a lot about you two. Not to mention she talks nonstop about your daughter."

I smile. "Well if you've have the chance to see them together you would instantly see how head over heels Lindsay and Jay are for each other."

"I have no doubt about it," I can tell he is juggling more than one thought at once. I want to ask him if he is okay, but I barely know him and don't want to make him uncomfortable. "Jay has told me you work in law enforcement."

"Sort of. I'm a CSI with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I work Graveyard with Sara, and a wonderful team of guys. Jay has met quite a few of them already."

"She has mentioned what was it…a cowboy, and entomologist, and the guy that likes heavy metal." I note that she left out Warrick, and I am grateful. What words would her father remember for him? The drug addict. The alcoholic. That is not all he is, but Jay hasn't gotten the chance to see another side of him.

"Ahh the cowboy would be Nick, the entomologist would be Grissom, and the guy who likes heavy metal would be Greg. How is your..." I clear my throat, "How is your wife."

A smirk is playing on Bill's lips. "I know that she has...limited points of view when it comes to subjects, but she wasn't like that when she was younger. She didn't join us today, because she has gone to visit John, Jay's brother." Anger at the son of a bitch makes my chest tighten. How could she go to see him? After what he did to her daughter? Their own family. It would be different I suppose if the person he hurt was outside of the family. Who's to say he hasn't abused more people.

"Really," I can't suppress the fury that causes my voice to quake.

He drops his head, and I feel guilty as his sense of shame increases. "I don't know what to do," he says quietly. I don't want to interrupt him if he wants to talk. "I wasn't always there for my children, and I'm afraid part of this has to do with me. When I realized what I had, I was lucky to be allowed back into my family. I try my hardest to do what is best for my kids now. Especially Jay. Her mother is so hard on her, but I believe that part of what happened has to do with John's resentment. He has always been jealous of the attention I give Jay, and if I had given him the same amount of love...then maybe this wouldn't have happened." I am shocked by his openness. I am used to having to pry information from Sara. I forgot that people can hold trust in others, and see the best in them. It's not only Sara though; I do the same thing myself.

I rest my hand on his forearm. When I have his attention I reassuringly say, "This isn't your fault Bill. Your son's choices are his own." He nods.

I glance at the clock on the wall. I am hoping to stop by Sara's and surprise her before I have to pick up the girls. Sleep should probably fall in there somewhere too. "How is Julie feeling about what happened?"

"She says it's Jay's fault. That she must have done something to provoke John to use violence." If I ever see that woman again I swear…

Bill looks at me and I know he can sense my anger. I look down at my plate of pancakes, which I don't remember ordering. I pick up my fork and start to push the strawberries around my plate. Out of the corner of my eye I see Warrick stand and unsteadily walk out of the restaurant with his arm around the girl.

Glancing up Bill is staring out the window."When are you two going back to Mass.?"

"I don't know. I think my wife wants to stay until after the trial. I have a feeling she might be helping John."

"Oh. Well while you're here feel free to stop in whenever you want to."

"Thanks. How is Jay doing?"

I don't want him to worry, but the truth is she's depressed. I can see it in her eyes. She stays in her room most of the time, she doesn't want to be touched, or talked to. I can see her falling, but have no clue how to catch her.

How do you save someone who has been abused by their own flesh and blood? How do you save someone who shows no sign of wanting to be saved?

I didn't handle this situation well before. No matter how many times Sara reassures me that she is fine. That she isn't disappointed in me or holding any kind of grudge against me I still feel guilty. For walking out on her. For leaving her to cope on her own. What if I make the same mistakes with Jay? Will it be different? She would still have Sara and Lindsay if I mess up. I'm not alone this time. But does it make a difference?

Would Jay hate me if I don't make the right choices? Would Lindsay and Sara hate me too?

I shake my head trying to rid it of the images; Sara morphing to Jay over and over again. This isn't the same thing. I won't let it be.

"She's coping." It's not a complete lie.

"Good." He looks at the clock, "I need to get going I have to pick up Julie."

"Okay. Remember anytime you want you can just come right over. I'm sure Jay will be thrilled to see you. But not today Lindsay is planning a surprise for Jay." He smiles.

"They really love each other don't they?"

I return the smile, "They do."

"I'll see you later Catherine."

"Bye Bill," He shakes my hand before setting his money on the table and leaving the diner.

I turn my attention to my plate. Staring at the food I wish I hadn't lost my appetite. I pay for my half of the meal, and decide to go visit Sara.

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I am surprised to find Sara's door unlocked. Opening it I walk into her place. I stop in the living room. Sara is sitting on the couch watching TV. She has yet to notice me. She has the most adorable expression on her face it is as if she is trying to absorb every single detail and word on in the show she is watching.

I let my eyes wander over her toned, slim body. Her creamy skin. Soft beautiful lips and sparkling brown eyes. My eyes graze over long arms with lean muscles. To her hands. I love Sara's hands. You can see the muscles that ripple beneath the skin. They are so strong yet so gentle. Like her arms. When she takes me in her arms, when she caresses me with loving hands I feel safe. I feel like I've found home.

I skim over the drink in her hand, but then do a double take. She is holding a beer. I glance at the coffee table and see another empty bottle.

I thought she had stopped.

Crossing the room she looks up at me right before I take a seat next to her. "Hey Cat." She follows my gaze and then hides her hand containing the beer behind the armrest of the couch. "What are you doing here?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I was passing by and wanted to see you…I thought you stopped drinking Sara."

"I did. I've only had two Cath. I needed help relaxing." I gaze into her eyes and hope to god she isn't lying to me. I can't take Sara drinking again. I love her too much to see her drink herself away.

"Okay." I curl into her side and she wraps her arm around me. The scent of alcohol is bitter and repulsing. It causes my stomach to churn but I stay in Sara's arms.

I bury my face in her neck and reach for the beer in her hand. I find it and tug it from her grasp. Setting it on the table I wrap my arm around her stomach while resting my head on her shoulder. She pulls me closer. I can sense her need again, and I am beginning to worry.

She is holding me like she did earlier in my office, as if her life depended on it.

It doesn't take much for me to figure out something is going on. The way she is holding me, the drinking, something is bothering her. "Sweetie what's wrong?"

She shakes her head, and I know that she has shut down and I will be getting no more incite from her at the moment. "I love you Cat."

I can't force the words to come out. No matter what I do I can't. They are true, but I can't say them. I bring our lips together. She tastes of sour, stale beer, but I don't pull away. I need her to know that I love her as much as she loves me…

* * *

TBC...


	34. Chapter 34

**No major plot lines changed. Only minor mistakes. Edited.**

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**Sara's POV**

_The water is pouring in under the car. It is becoming harder and harder for me to breath but I am trapped. My arm has gone numb from pain. This is it. I am going to die. Without saying good bye to the ones I love. Hopefully they will know that I love them, and that I will always love them, but I can think of one person who won't. Catherine. I do love her as if she were my own flesh and blood. But very unlike as if she was my own flesh and blood._

_A lone figure stands in the distance watching me in my final moments. I can barely make out their silhouette. It is a woman. Her curves give her away. It can't be Natalie she left so long ago. Or is it?_

_Struggling, a loud crack fills the air as something in my arm snaps. My arm is free. If there is pain I cannot feel it, I am too focused on getting out from underneath this car before I drown. After a few attempts I manage to stand on my own. The rain is thick and I am surrounded by darkness, but for some reason I can still see the woman standing off in the distance. Watching._

_Lightning illuminates the sky and I get a glimpse of the stranger. However the stranger is no longer is a stranger. It's not Natalie. It's Catherine._

_I begin to walk toward her as fast as my body will allow me. I call out to her, but my voice is lost in the rumbling of thunder. Every time I believe I am making progress more space is added between us. _

_Suddenly she seems to notice me. She turns and runs. Her hair whips in the air behind her slender frame. Even though I know she can't hear me I continue to call out to her. I plead with her to come back. I confess my love for her over and over, but she continues to run without looking back._

_She opens a door and disappears. As I get closer I realize the door is standing by itself in the desert. Looking around the black wooden door I am confronted with the other side of it. I open the door and can only see darkness. I call to Catherine in the emptiness but no sound leaves my mouth._

_Stepping into nothingness I close the door behind me. A room instantly begins to form around me Blinding white. Hospital bed. Jay's limp, fragile form lies beneath the heavy covers. A faceless man pulls the covers over her face. Covering her lifeless body from view. Devastation tears at me. Tears stream down my face._

_Moving to the side of the bed I pull the covers back to get one last look at Jay. My daughter. Loud voices come from the hallway, and I recover her before leaving. Catherine is standing with her back to me yelling at a man. Eddie. I notice a younger Lindsay cowering in the corner crying. He pushes Catherine. Once. Twice. On the third push she stumbles. Catherine retaliates. She nails him in the eye with her fist._

"_Cat!" My voice rings through the room. Catherine turns fear evident in her eyes. She starts to run. I reach out to stop her but my hand goes through her and she gets away._

_I start to go after her, but feel horrible about leaving Lindsay alone with Eddie. I turn to get her and find myself alone. The darkness is eating away at the hallway behind me. Coming closer and closer to me. I begin to run. I catch sight of Catherine before she whips around the corner again._

_I make my way toward her. Suddenly my surroundings change and I find myself in one of my old foster homes. Lindsay is sitting on the same bed I used to sleep in. The same bed where I first contemplated suicide. I see metal glinting by her leg. She picks up a razor and brings it to her wrist. Tears stream down her face as she racks with sobs. As the first blood trickles down her wrists I scream out to her. Tell her to stop. She increases the pressure she is using. When she finishes she sets down the razor and closes her eyes. I rush to her and try to stop the bleeding but it won't stop and soon she is cold to the touch. I search for a pulse but can't find one. My heart shatters. Jay and now Lindsay._

_A blood curdling scream fills the room. I spin around and come face to face with Catherine. Agony distorts her beautiful features. I reach out to take her in my arms and she disappears._

_I rush out of the room into pitch black. A single light reveals the center of the room. A man is holding Catherine at gunpoint. She is daring him to do it. Saying that she has lost everything in her life to the one person she loved and trusted most in this world. Me._

_A deafening bang fills the room. I scream out to Catherine. Rushing forward she is on the ground. Blood gushing from her temple. I hold her to me, but it is useless. She is dead._

_xxxx_

I bolt up in bed. I am caught in the covers, shaking, in a cold sweat, and tears are pouring from my eyes. I gasp trying to breath, but there is an unmovable weight on my chest.

I take a few minutes to calm myself down, and still the images in my mind. Everything was so vivid. I could feel, sense, smell everything as if it were real. I shake my head trying to clear the memories.

Looking at the clock I discover that I have only been asleep for a half an hour. Thirty minutes of pure hell. I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I've been plagued with nightmares. I only sleep when I find it absolutely necessary.

Getting up I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I let the water run over me as I attempt to relax, but it's not working.

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Knocking on the door I hope I'm not waking Catherine up. This is when we nocturnal people are usually sleeping. When I hear no movement behind the door I knock again harder.

I can detect the padding of feet and a groan emanates from the other side of the door. The lock clicks and the door opens. A very groggy Catherine appears in front of me. "Sar…what are you doing here?" She moves out of the way so I can come in. I smile at her adorable sleepy state.

As soon as she closes the door I crash my lips into hers and start to back her into the wall. My hands find her face and my tongue enters her mouth. Once she is trapped against the wall I press my body into hers. I need more contact. More reassurance.

Her hands slip beneath the fabric of my jeans and she squeezes my ass. When oxygen is threatening to knock me out I detach my lips from Catherine's unwillingly.

Catherine caresses my cheek with her thumb and I realize she is wiping away my tears. As my tears increase their flow my knees begin to weaken. I can feel myself slowly sinking and I fear I will never stop falling.

My knees hit the ground and I lean into Catherine. My face is buried in her stomach, and arms wrapped around her tightly.

It's never going to stop. The torture of my past. My fears and insecurities will never go away. They will haunt me forever and never allow me to love, or smile, or laugh. I am supposed to be swallowed by sorrow for my entire life. Drowning in pain and despair and unable to break the surface of this misery.

Catherine's voice breaks through to me. I didn't notice I was speaking but I must have been. "What are you sorry for Sara?"

I can't reply and I begin to shake even harder. I can make out the faint mumbling of Catherine trying to soothe me, but it only causes more pain.

Catherine unlinks my hands from around her and slides down the wall. Once she is sitting she pulls me into her. Trying to protect me from the unknown demons I am battling.

She is kissing away my tears but her efforts are useless as the tears are rapidly replaced. "What didn't you mean to do sweetie?" I shake my head and bring our lips together. I can't keep the connection and pull away disgusted with myself.

Catherine runs her fingers through my hair. Her nails lightly scrape my scalp and the gesture is calming. Catherine senses that this is working and continues her actions as she places light kisses on my forehead.

Once I have calmed down enough I kiss her passionately. I try to tell her everything through the way I am kissing her. I pull away and look into her eyes. "I love you," I whisper. I kiss her again as I run my thumb over her jaw line. I break the contact. "I love you so, so much." I brush my lips against hers.

I gaze into her eyes for a few seconds before I begin to notice the details. There bags under her eyes. Bags under bloodshot eyes. "Baby you should be sleeping. I'm sorry. I should have realized…I'll go."

"I don't want you going anywhere right now Sara. Stay here. With me." There is worry and fear subtly playing on her beautiful face.

Guilt floods me. I was stupid. I shouldn't have scared her like that. I could have dealt with this on my own.

"You need to sleep."

"Join me." Catherine stands up and holds her hands out to help me up. When I stand my legs feel like jelly. Following Catherine into her room I think of ways I could escape this situation.

I won't be able to sleep or she will know I am having nightmares again. I can't refuse her because I don't want to hurt her. I will just have to lie in bed until she wakes up.

Kicking off my shoes I get under the covers and allow Catherine to snuggle into my side. She slips her hand under my shirt and begins to trace patterns on my stomach. Her movements stop as she starts to drift into sleep.

Now all I can do I wait.

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The alarm blares and I reach over and hit snooze so Catherine can have a few more minutes to sleep. I have been lying here for hours staring up at the white ceiling. Catherine shifts so that she is almost completely on top of me.

There is a knock on the door. It opens as Lindsay asks, "Mom are you up…oh." She stops when she discovers me. "Hey Sara. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were here. I'll go." She points behind her and then turns and leaves.

I took a cab here feeling it wasn't safe for the other drivers on the road to experience my driving while in the state I was in.

Catherine's lips brush against my neck. Her hot breath caresses the skin where her lips just were. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine," I lie. I feel horrible deceiving Catherine, but I don't want to give her any more reasons to worry then I already have.

This time she places two kisses on my neck. "Are you sure you are up to going to work? We could always…"

"I want to go to work Cath."

"Okay." She chastely kisses me before yanking the covers off of both of us and getting out of bed.

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Catherine and I are sitting in the break room waiting for assignments. The guys are already in different parts of the lab working on cases from the previous day.

Catherine's hand is resting on my leg and is visible to anyone walking by the room. At this point I don't care about the fact that if Ecklie finds out about us he might find a way to lose us our jobs. I need the comfort Catherine's touch brings me.

We haven't officially announced that we are in a relationship, yet it seems to be accepted and acknowledged by everyone that there is something going on between Catherine and I. The exception is Grissom who appears to be clueless. Having it unspoken is the way I prefer it.

The silence surrounding us is full of content. I am grateful Catherine has refrained herself from bringing up what happened earlier. I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm not sure I know how to form the words to explain what happened. I appreciate the fact that she understands that some things I can't explain, and that my silence or hesitance has nothing to do with trust.

With everything that has happened in the past few weeks, at work and at home, my fear of losing Catherine has increased. There are so many reasons for her to leave me, but not many reasons for her to stay.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm," I reply distractedly because Catherine has begun to trace circles on the inside of my thigh as her hand moves up my leg.

"I know technically we've only had one date, but we have been together a little while…"

"It's only been a few weeks." Two and a half weeks to be precise.

"It feels like forever."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No sweetie, of course not. I love being with you. That's part of the reason why I wanted to ask you how you felt about… how you would feel about taking our…"

"Assignments." I want to punch Grissom in the face.

I have a feeling I know exactly what Catherine was going to ask. Or at least I hope I do. I've been thinking about asking if she is comfortable with moving our relationship along a little faster. Physically, that is. I've never had to talk about having sex with my partners before it just happened, but I don't want to mess things up with Catherine. It doesn't matter now, because with everything that has been going on with Jay, with Lindsay, with Catherine, and with work I have decided to wait. I've figured it isn't the right time. I don't know what is going on in her mind, but I know something is wrong. I watch Catherine battle with herself every time I admit that I love her. She ends up communicating through actions that she loves me too. I have pretended not to notice. It hurts me, but it's something I can live with.

I can.

Grissom looks up from the report he is reading and glances around the empty room before his eyes land on us. "Where is everyone?" His eyes rapidly move to my leg where Catherine has left her hand dangerously close to where I want it.

I am tempted to get up and push Grissom out of the room so that Catherine can finish what she started. "Working," Catherine replies since my mind is elsewhere. Taking my frustration out on Grissom.

Every time Catherine gets me turned on something or someone has to intervene. The next person that does should fear for their life at the very least.

Grissom's expression becomes impassive. His eyes are still focused on Catherine's hand. "I have to go. Get to work," he says before practically running out of the room.

"Shit," I mumble.

"Yeah." Catherine starts to stand up and I grab her wrist. I give it a light tug and she sits back down. Placing her hand back where it was I send her an innocent smile.

She raises her eyebrow at me, "Do you want something Ms. Sidle?"

I inch her hand up my leg, "Maybe."

She smiles seductively at me. "I'll take it that your answer to my question is yes. Unfortunately you heard the boss hun." She stands up and I let out a groan. Bending over she chastely kisses me and grabs a slip with her assignment on it. As she walks out of the room she says, "I'll make it up to you later sweetie. I promise."

Then she leaves me to pout in my sexually frustrated state.

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I smell and all I want to do is take a shower. My crime scene resulted in a dumpster dive, and the more time I have to mull things over in my head the more firmly I believe Catherine knew what she was doing when she took the other assignment.

As I walk past the AV lab I catch a glimpse of Catherine with Archie. I deposit my evidence in the right labs and then rush into the locker room. I can't wait to remove this stench.

Turning on the hot water I strip and step into the shower without waiting for it to warm up. I begin to scrub my body furiously. After a few minutes I am satisfied that I no longer smell. Standing under the hot water I relax as the steam rises around me and the water runs down my back.

I can hear somebody in the locker room most likely getting ready to follow a lead since the night is not even half over.

I close my eyes and think about Catherine. Her touch. Her sent. Her smile. Her body. Her presence. A dull throb makes itself present between my legs. I run my hand down my stomach. Reaching wet curls. I slide my hand over them taking in the texture. There is a creaking behind me. I crack an eye open and look over my shoulder, but I am alone.

Closing my eyes I slip a finger into the heat. Pressure of the first contact momentarily relieves the dull ache. Gently I bite my lower lips. I imagine Catherine slowly and tantalizingly unbuttoning her shirt. She isn't wearing a bra. I rub my bundle of nerves as she starts to remove her pants.

A hand slides down my arm and rests on top of mine. Adding more pressure to my movements. Soft lips kiss along the back of my shoulder. I move my hand from between my leg, "Mmmm baby you're so wet," Catherine whispers in my ear. She starts to nibble on my earlobe as her fingers begin to move faster and faster in small circles. Her erect nipples push into my back as she presses her body against mine.

Her other hand starts to knead my breast. Tilting my head back I lavish attention on my other breast. Catherine's teeth graze against my neck. My breathing is rapid and a small moan escapes me.

Catherine forces one of her legs between mine and I begin to rock against it.

"Sara?" That was not Catherine's voice. "Sara are you in here?"

"What the fuck?" I whisper vehemently.

"I was hoping to talk to you." Grissom is officially dead.

Catherine has rested her head against my shoulder and is shaking with laughter. "Give me a minute Gris. I'm in the shower."

"I'll just wait for you."

"Okay," I holler back. I turn off the water. Catherine removes her leg and pulls away from me. She is still laughing. "I'm glad you find this so funny," I mumble.

"I'm sorry Sara…it's just every time…"

"Don't remind me." I turn wanting to see her. When we lock eyes she smiles at me and begins to lick her fingers. I glare at her. She knows what she is doing to me. Quickly I am distracted. Distracted by creamy skin. Freckled shoulders and chest. Pink nipples standing alert on perfect, full breasts. Taunt stomach. Toned arms. Wet hair with hints of strawberry blonde. Lean, muscular legs that last forever and lead me up to her shaved mound. But most of all I am distracted by crystal blue eyes, lush lips, and the faint blush that has appeared due to my intense gaze.

She is so beautiful. So breathtaking. Words can never describe how gorgeous she is. Inside and out.

"Sara are you coming?" I smirk at the irony in his choice of words. I would have been if he didn't show up.

"Yep, just a sec," I try to keep the anger out of my voice.

Reaching out I run my fingers over Catherine's stomach, and the underside of her breast. I watch my fingers travel over porcelain, soft skin with fascination, and with disbelief that the woman in front of me is real. Running my hand down her side I let it rest on her bare hip. Gazing into her eyes I smile. She moves closer to me and kisses me with force. With love and desire. She breaks the contact leaving my lips tingling. I lean in needing more, but every time our lips are about to touch she moves just out of my reach. "Catherine Willows stop teasing me," I whisper. I can feel her smile as she presses her lips chastely against mine. As I hold her lips captive she takes my hand in hers.

I am too busy focusing on her lips to realize what she is doing with my hand until it is between her legs. I run a finger over her swollen nub and lips. She is velvety and very wet.

Catherine removes her lips from mine and quietly says, "You're not the only one who is disappointed sweetheart," before turning on the water for a cold shower.

I wrap myself in the oversized towel I brought from home and walk into the locker room. Grissom is sitting on the bench waiting for me.

I know he has seen me naked before, and even though I am wrapped in a giant towel I feel uncomfortable and exposed. I pick out fresh clothes from my locker. I can sense Grissom's eyes on me and it is making me nervous.

"Gil, can you turn around or wait in the hall while I change?"

"Sara it's not like I haven't…"

"Grissom please." He looks hurt, but I ignore his expression. We are no longer together and he has no right to watch me change.

"Fine." He turns on the bench so that his back is facing me. Grissom is a respectful man but I am compelled to make sure there are no reflective surfaces he can watch me from. When I am satisfied he is no longer staring I rapidly throw on my shirt, pants and underwear. Once I am covered I put my bra on under my shirt. Slipping on a pair of flip flops and tying my hair up in a ponytail I am ready.

"Do you want to talk in your office?" He returns to facing me and nods his head. I follow him out of the locker room, down the hall and into his office.

He closes the door behind me and pulls down the shades. For a moment the only light is coming from the small window above Grissom's desk. Gil turns the lamp on his desk on and I look around. His office is so different from Catherine's. Hers is homey yet professional, Grissom's is just plain creepy. I remember when there was a time I found comfort in this office, but that time has long since passed.

"What did you want to talk about?" I want to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't like being alone with Grissom anymore, it is awkward.

"You and Catherine." Instantly my walls go up and I am ready for a fight.

"What about us?" I ask cautiously. I am careful not to reveal any of my emotions.

"Are you two in a relationship?"

I don't want to answer him. This is something that Catherine and I should be telling him together. I could avoid the subject, but that would only earn me a longer amount of time alone with Grissom. "What if we are?"

"Are you?"

"I believe that is none of your business Gil."

"None of my business," he snaps back. "We were engaged Sara. We were going to be married. We were in love and then you disappeared. I heard nothing from you until you showed up, out of the blue, passed out in Catherine's office with her kneeling by your side looking extremely upset, and now you have the nerve to tell me it is none of my business!"

"Tell me Gil, are you getting upset because you are worried about Catherine, or are you upset because of your own selfish needs?"

He sits there with his mouth open waiting for the words to form. "I was madly in love with you Sara, and I was under the impression that you were in love with me. You left. You didn't even come to me and ask if there was a way to fix things. You didn't even have the decency to come to me and tell me that you are in a relationship with my best friend."

"We haven't told anyone Gris. We were going to tell you first."

"Yet everyone, but me, seems to have known. I still love you Sara, and Catherine is my best friend, but I know you, and she is not right for you. You need safety and reassurance, you need love and attention. Catherine is too busy with herself and her daughter. She can't give you what you need Sara…"

"And you can? I can't believe you!" Before I lunge across the desk to strangle him I get up and storm out of his office.

I am too caught up in my anger with Grissom and I run into Catherine who is just leaving the locker room. "Hey sweetie. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I mumble. "Do you want to go to breakfast?"

"Sure. Are you certain you don't want to talk about it?" I gaze into her loving blue eyes. How am I ever going to tell Catherine the things that the man who she calls her best friend has said about her without crushing her heart?

She looks up to Gil. Cares about Gil. They have been friends for about fourteen years; ever since Grissom saved Catherine from the downward spiral she was in. How am I going to tell her what that man has said about her? How?

I take Catherine's hand in mine and we walk out of the lab together. Leaving the events of the day behind.

For now.

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TBC...


	35. Chapter 35

**EDITED.**

* * *

Catherine's POV

"Where are we going?"

"For the last time Cat if I tell you that it won't be a surprise anymore," Sara replies with a smirk on her lips. She takes her eyes off the road for a moment to glance at me. Since I have her attention I lean toward her and chastely place a kiss on her lips, effectively removing the amusement from her face. "It's not going to work. I'm not telling you."

I turn and watch as the city of Vegas starts to thin around us as we drive out of it. I move my eyes back to Sara and stick out my bottom lip as I cross my arms over my chest. "Not even those gorgeous blue eyes will persuade me to tell you where we are going babe. It is a _surprise_ therefore you will just have to wait and see."

"Alright," I say and let out an exasperated sigh. Sara smiles and takes my hand in hers. I run my thumb over the soft skin on the back of her hand. "This is nice."

"What?"

I squeeze Sara's hand. "Spending time with you. It feels as if I have barely seen you outside of work," I am not going to tell her I have been counting. Counting the days I only catch a glimpse of her here and there in the halls at work. The days where we seem to miss each other in the locker room after shift. Two weeks. That's how long it's been since I last spent time alone with Sara. We went to breakfast.

Sara remains silent. Maybe because she has nothing to say or maybe because she is holding something back; I suspect the later. I lean my seat back. I have been busy with work and have had very little time to sleep, or when I did have time I couldn't sleep. I close my eyes and focus on the music drifting from the radio, and the small circles Sara is tracing with her thumb on the back of my hand.

I'm at the point between reality and dreams. Where my hearing becomes sharper causing the world around me to become louder. "I've missed you," Sara whispers. I am about to open my eyes to look at her when she takes a deep rattling breath. I know she is crying, and I know she thinks I am sleeping. I decide to wait to see if she will reveal anymore. "I know I've been distant lately baby," I can feel her eyes on me briefly, "And I wish…I wish that I could be more open with you. The way we used to be, but I watch you, and take in what you are already dealing with, and I can't…I can't bring myself to talk to you…"

I tighten my grip on her hand and answer, "I'm here when you're ready." Sara jumps with surprise, but I don't open my eyes because my exhaustion has just increased even more.

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"Cath sweetie we're almost there. Wake up." Sara rubs her hand against my cheek and I groan. I don't want to get up. "Cath." I open my eyes slowly. The light of the sun is blinding. I note that the car isn't moving. Turning my head to the side I look at Sara who has a loving smile on her lips.

I rub my eyes trying to get the sleep from them. My muscles are sore and there is a dull throb in the back of my head. A sour taste lingers in my mouth. Instantly I know that I have not gotten enough sleep to make up for the days worth of sleep I have missed.

Moving my seat back to normal I pull down the mirror and am horrified by the sight in front of me. It seems like ages since I last looked in the mirror. There are darks circles under my eyes which are bloodshot and glassy with sleep, I can pick out at least four new wrinkles on my face, and my hair is sticking up in almost every direction. If this isn't enough I can hear Sara chuckling at the expression on my face. Sara taps me on the shoulder and I look at her. She takes a hair tie off her wrist and hands it to me. "Thanks," I say my voice thick and croaky. I feel like I am coming down with something.

I pull my hair up and turn my attention to Sara. "Here," she says and passes me a bottle of water and piece of gum. I raise an eyebrow at her. She shrugs, "I knew you were tired and after a must needed rest like that I usually feel like shit so figured you might too."

I can't help but smile at her innocent expression; it is sweet. As I drink some of the water I glance around at the barren land surrounding us. "Where are we?"

"In the desert."

"No shit, I couldn't figure that one out." Sara rolls her eyes at me.

"I can't tell you yet, or it will ruin the surprise." This time it is my turn to roll my eyes.

"Here." Sara hands me a folded bandana.

"Ummm thanks hun."

"It's a blind fold. I want this to be a surprise until the very end." This again makes me wonder what Sara has in store for me. What could be out here that is worth keeping a surprise? I put the bandana on like she requests and then she checks to make sure I can't see anything.

I hear the car start again. Sitting here without being able to see makes me feel uneasy and vulnerable, but I trust Sara to keep me safe.

After about fifteen minutes the car finally stops and I can hear Sara get out of it. She opens my door and takes my hand. I let her lead me. When we stop she stands behind me. I hold back a whimper when she presses her body against mine as she removes the blindfold. She has no idea what she does to me. Pushing those thoughts aside as Sara moves away I look around. We are on a ranch; standing in the closed in area in front of us are two horses.

I can feel Sara watching me. I return her gaze with a full blown smile on my face. "Do you like it?"

"I love it." I bring our lips together and kiss her passionately. No one besides Sara would have remembered I like to ride horses.

A man clears his throat behind us and we pull away from each other. "Hi, I'm Grant. You must be Ms. Willows," there is a subtle hint of a southern accent in his voice. I return his kind smile and shake the hand he is holding out to me. "Ms. Sidle tells me you like to ride," he says with a nod of his head toward the horses.

"Well she is right." I move toward the fence and open the gate. I glance back at Grant and he nods. Entering the space I walk up to the jet black horse. I hold my hand out and it walks into it. I can hear the footsteps of Sara and Grant coming toward me.

"This one" he says patting the horse with a gleaming reddish brown coat, "Is Chestnut, and this is Black Beauty," Grant says motioning to the horse I am petting. I smile. "My daughter named him right after she had read the book Black Beauty."

"That's cute. How old is she?"

"Nine."

"Precious age."

"Do you have children?"

"We have two teenagers, Lindsay and Jay." He smiles at me, and Sara beams at my words.

"That must be a handful."

"Sometimes."

"Now Ms. Willows I know you know how to ride. Do you Ms. Sidle?"

"Of course." I look at Sara and raise an eyebrow. I didn't know she can ride. She glances at me and I can tell she is unsure about her answer under her mask of confidence.

"Well I'll leave you two to it then. When you're done taking care of the horses after riding, I would love if you would join my family for dinner."

Sara nods and thanks Grant. I thank him too and then easily hoist myself onto Black Beauty. I observe as Sara examines Chestnut. I can tell she is trying to determine the best way to get on the horse. "Approach it from the left side Sar."

She glances at me and says, "I know that," before moving away from the uneasy horse. I gently apply pressure to the girth causing Black Beauty to start walking slowly. I move closer to Sara who has her foot in the saddle, but is having trouble proceeding from there. "Do you want help?"

"No, I got it." I want to point out the obvious, but bite my tongue to hold back my words and wait for her to discover her mistake on her own.

While I wait I ride Black Beauty around the edge of the fence. Sara lets out a triumphant ha, and I turn to look at her. I stifle back my laughter the best I can and say, "Good job hun. There's one problem though."

"What?"

"Look in front of you."

She follows my directions before exclaiming, "God damnit!" She's mounted on the horse backwards.

"Sar it isn't a big deal if you need help. You had to teach me to surf."

She shakes her head, "Don't worry I can do this Cat." She is stubborn. I shrug and ride out of the closed in area, and have Black Beauty speed up a little. I look over my shoulder at Sara who is now sitting the right way on the horse and cautiously moving at snail pace. There is an expression of discomfort on her face as she bounces up and down on the saddle.

I ride over to her and have Black Beauty match her pace which doesn't make him very happy. "Do you want to move into a more open space?"

"I guess," she replies uncertainly. I send her an encouraging smile. We move in a slow trot heading in no particular direction. I can hear Sara wince every time she lands back on the saddle. As Sara gains more confidence she becomes more talkative.

"How did you arrange this babe?"

"I was talking to Nick about wanting to spend some time with you, and surprise you with something fun since we haven't spent much time together lately. I mentioned you like to ride horses and he said he had a friend that owns a few horses and that he could call his friend if I wanted."

"I should have known Nicky would have a friend that owns a ranch." Sara smiles at me.

Suddenly Chestnut breaks into a full blown gallop with Sara who has a constant stream of swears coming from her mouth. "Shit," I mumble and direct Black Beauty to chase after them. Sara's swears become louder as she becomes more frantic. She is clinging to Chestnut's neck for dear life. When I catch up to them I yank on the reins causing the horse to abruptly stop.

Sara is pale and shaking. I get off Black Beauty and help her down since she is trembling so badly. I take her hand in mine and rub her arm as I attempt to comfort her. "How about you ride with me for today?" She nods. I hold Black Beauty as she gets on and then I mount him. With one hand I hold Chestnut's reins while I direct Black Beauty with the other. Sara has her arms wrapped around my waist. When she bounces with each step of the horse she pulls me up with her, but I don't comment. I know she is nervous, and she did this for me. I just hope this hasn't stopped her from ever trying horseback riding again. It is different learning to ride a horse opposed to learning to balance on a surf board. Not to mention even though she was terrified I couldn't help but notice how cute that expression was.

After securing Chestnut back in the stable Sara and I ride Black Beauty around the enclosed area a few times. I do this in hope that Sara will feel comfortable enough before we go back out in the open. I take it as a sign when she begins to nibble on my earlobe that she is no longer nervous. I nudge her with my elbow to get her to stop, because she is distracting me.

After an hour we ride back into the stable. I show Sara how to brush Black Beauty and feed him while I take care of Chestnut.

After we finish we walk hand in hand toward the house.

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"Jesus Christ," Sara grumbles. I am trying my hardest not to laugh at her as she hobbles around like an old woman. By the time we had left Grant's she was starting to get sore, but now, well now she is a hilarious sight.

I unlock my front door and she walks in. I watch her disappear into the hallway as I shut the door behind me and remove my shoes. Following the random curses I find Sara right before she collapses on my bed. I watch as she begins to unbutton her pants. "I figured you'd be in too much pain for that sweetie, but if you want to," I send her a devilish smile.

"My pants are rubbing against my legs pervert." I open my mouth in mock shock.

"Me a pervert. Never." I cross the room and grab a pair of boxers from my dresser. I toss them and they land on Sara's face. "You're the perv sweetie. I never said one thing about sex."

"You were hinting at it though."

"Was not."

"Then what were you hinting at?"

"Sleeping…" She removes the boxers from her face and raises an eyebrow at me.

"You wouldn't be able to take my shoes off for me would you?"I help Sara with her shoes and then slide her jeans off. There are angry red and dark purple splotches on her skin where bruises are beginning to form and her pants were rubbing against her legs.

"What did you do to get so many bruises?"

Sara looks at me and says, "I don't know," her voice is dripping with sarcasm causing me to smile. Sara slides on the boxers and pulls herself up to the top of my bed. "Hope you don't mind I think I might be stuck here for a while."

"Not at all. You are right where I want you." I get on the bed and crawl over to Sara as I kiss her I straddle her waist.

Sara pulls out of the kiss and breathlessly says, "I love you."

I gaze down into her chocolaty eyes. I know the longer I wait the more I am hurting her. I lean in to kiss her and she turns her head to the side. I grab the headboard to steady myself as she shifts beneath me until she is sitting propped up against it. "Why won't you say it?" There is hurt and insecurity in Sara's voice. Her emotions pierce me like a knife.

"I…," Her eyes are on me trying to understand; trying to decide. "I…I guess that I feel like if I admit that I care about you, that I care about more than almost anyone in my life, you'll leave. Lindsay and Jay don't have that option, but you do. You can just leave if you want to." Sara cups my check with her hand. Her lips caress mine bringing me comfort, and pulsing her love into me.

"After all that we have been through and you still believe that I am going to leave you?" I look up and there is a smile on her lips which only makes me feel worse. Sara must sense this because she takes my hand in hers and with her other hand lifts my chin so that I am looking into her eyes. "Lately when I have been clingy, or when I pulled away from you so that we couldn't spend time together," I open my mouth to protest and she shakes her head. "There is a reason we haven't been together Cath. I was pulling away. I didn't want to be around you, because I have been afraid that I am going to hurt you. That you are going to leave, and that you are going to hate me. I have been having dreams…" She turns her head away from me and I make her look into my eyes again.

"You have been having dreams about what?"

"Nightmares. In every one of them I either do something, or cause something to happen that makes you hate me, or disappear, or I…" When she cuts off her sentence I know that she has no will to explain further but I need to know. This is the first time she has opened up to me in so long, and I don't want to lose her again. I don't want her to retreat into herself anymore. She needs to know that I am here. That I refuse to leave.

"You what?"

"I…I kill you." Her last words come as a shock to me. She is watching me cautiously with fear in her eyes.

"Those are just dreams though Sara. Only dreams." I place a light kiss on her lips. "I know you would never hurt me, and I could never hat…"

The door creaks open and I glance over my shoulder. Jay is standing in the doorway looking tired and defeated. "Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll go."

"No sweetie it's fine. What do you need?"

"It doesn't matter. I can wait," she replies before shutting the door and walking away.

"She's still not any better?" I shake my head.

"She's depressed, and I don't know how to help her. I should. I've been depressed before, but I've never been through what she has." I gaze at Sara for a moment. "Maybe you should talk to her."

"Me?" I nod. "Why?"

"Because you know what it's like Sara to have the people you are supposed to be able to trust betray you, and you've survived abuse countless times."

"You want me to tell her about my parents." I nod again. She looks unsure. Nervous.

"You can help her Sara. You out of anyone understands almost exactly what she must be going through. Jay won't tell anyone what you tell her." Sara looks at me, but her eyes are distant. I wait patiently.

"Okay," she says quietly. I move from her lap. She stands up and I grab her arm. She focuses her attention on me and I kiss her.

"Good luck."

She gives me a small smile. "Thanks."

Sara limps across the room and opens the door, "Sara." She stops and turns around. I smile at her and say, "I love you."

* * *

TBC...


	36. Chapter 36

**EDITED**

* * *

_*Cry with a smile  
My heart is bleeding  
Bewildered I'm here alone  
Why is there pain in a beautiful moment?  
Why do I feel so lost, so empty?*-_Cry with a Smile by After Forever

**Sara's POV**

As I limp down the hall I feel as if I have aged forty years in the matter of minutes. I hope Catherine enjoyed, horseback riding because I will not be doing it again for a very long time. Slowly I make my way to Jay's room. I am hoping she is there because I don't think I'll be able to make it any further down the hallway.

Lightly I knock on the door and wait. I hear a mumbled "Come in." Hobbling into the room I can hear laughter coming from the bed. Lindsay is rolling around clutching her slides as she shakes with laughter and Jay is wearing a sad smirk.

Lindsay sits back up and wipes the tears from her face. She is flushed and still struggling to contain her amusement. "Why is everyone finding my pain so funny?" Jay shrugs and Lindsay covers her mouth and starts shaking again as I make my way to the bed.

"What the hell did you do Sara?" Lindsay asks as she tries to keep a straight face.

"Watch your language Lindsay Willows," Catherine's voice floats into the room before she appears in the doorway. We lock eyes and she smiles sweetly at me. "Plus I think it's cute." I catch Lindsay rolling her eyes in my peripheral vision.

Catherine's eyes hold a question. Her eyes dart to Lindsay and then back to me. I shake my head no and she nods. Leaving the room she closes the door behind her. If I have to relive my past I'd rather not do it more than once besides Lindsay deserves to hear the truth just as much as Jay.

I scoot myself up the bed until I am resting against the wall behind it. I run my eyes over each girl. Lindsay is staring at me with curiosity and Jay…Jay's eyes have lost their vivaciousness. It is as if I am looking at Catherine all over again.

"Jay."

She focuses on me. I don't know what to say to her, but the longer our eyes are locked the more I think she understands what I want. "I didn't mean to interrupt you and Catherine I'm really sorry," she says quietly.

"You didn't sweetie we were only talking. I don't know if you noticed but I'm not really in any state to…"

Lindsay clears her throat. I turn my attention to her. "You're talking about my mom."

"Right, sorry." The blush creeps onto my face and a small smile appears on Jay's face. "I should probably ask…I wanted to talk to you, Jay, about… well I guess I just wanted to see how you are, or see if you wanted anyone to talk to…umm do you mind if Lindsay is here?"

"No." I nod. I'm not very good at this. I can feel my heart racing at the prospect of resurfacing my past.

"Lately Jay you've seemed…well we've all been worried about you." Helping Catherine isn't the same as helping Jay. Jay has focused on me with a blank stare. "I know what you are going through must be hard, and we want to help you, but we don't know how to help. I don't know how to help you, if you don't give me a hint."

"I just keep thinking…my brother…" Jay shakes her head and looks away.

"I know it is hard to believe, but I understand how you are feeling." Jay's eyes flash with disbelief and sorrow. "Come here." I hold out and arm and Jay crawls up to me and snuggles into my right side. I open my other arm and Lindsay rests her head on my chest and she curls into my left side. I squeeze Jay briefly. "I do understand." My stomach is doing back flips and my blood is quickly pulsing through my body.

"Really?" Jay says I can still hear a skeptical tone in her voice.

"Yeah."

"Will you tell us what happened to you Sar?" Lindsay asks.

"Yeah I will."

"Does my mom know about this?"

"She does." Lindsay and Jay intertwine their fingers and rest their joined hands on my stomach.

"You know I've always wondered Sara." I brush my lips against the top of Lindsay's head and then do the same thing to Jay.

"When I was little both of my parents drank and did drugs. They both…they both abused me, and they abused each other. My father was worse. When I became old enough he would take me to my room and…" My voice cracks with emotion and I clear my throat. "My mom wouldn't do anything. I knew she could hear me crying for help…but she never helped me. One night my mom came into my room and dragged me with her into the living room. I didn't notice the knife until it was too late.

"After that night I became the girl who watched as her father as he was stabbed to death by her mother." I know I can't continue without being plagued by flashbacks. The familiar craving for alcohol is making itself present within me.

"The nightmares and the flashbacks seem unbearable most of the time," Jay says. "Will they ever go away?"

"Not completely…but usually time makes most things easier to deal with."

"And all the emotions?"

"I buried them. Don't do that Jay. They might fade enough that you don't notice them anymore, but I don't know if they completely go away. There are triggers and weaknesses, but luckily for you have a family that loves you."

I am feeling a little nervous that Lindsay hasn't made a comment yet. "Linzz?"

"Your father…he raped you?"

I choke back a fresh wave of emotions and tears and nod my head.

"How old were you when your mother…when she killed your father?"

"Nine."

"Nine." I hear the whisper the word a few times to herself. "What happened after that night?"

"I bounced from foster home to foster home. More abuse and more rape." Lindsay squeezes me tightly and then surprises me by giving me a chaste kiss on the cheek.

She whispers in my ear, "Your amazing," and then gets off the bed. Opening the door she yells, "Mom?" I cringe at how loud she is.

"There is no need to yell Lindsay," Catherine shouts back. I chuckle. Jay tightens her hold on me.

"Can you come here for a minute?" Lindsay yells back. I can't help but roll my eyes at the two of them. Lindsay begins to pace and becomes lost in thought while she waits for Catherine. I am curious as to what is on her mind.

Catherine comes in the room and looks around the room. "What do you need Linzz?" Lindsay comes back to reality and rushes over to her mom pulling Catherine into a hug. Catherine turns her gaze to me in confusion. When I don't respond Catherine closes her eyes and holds her daughter tightly.

I observe the tender moment with the vague feeling of intruding somewhere in the back of my mind. I catch Jay's eyes and know she is feeling the same way. I rub her arm and a small smile appears on her face.

I hear Lindsay say quietly "Thank you," and then they end the embrace.

Catherine looks at me with disbelief. "Sara I don't know what you said, but feel free to talk to Lindsay anytime." I smile sadly at her. "Linzz let's give Sara and Jay a couple minutes alone."

"Okay." Catherine winks at me and then the two Willows women leave the room.

Jay and I pull apart and sit cross-legged facing each other. "How did you make it through all of that?"

"Well...I made a lot of mistakes sweetie, and it took me forever to realize that there are things in life worth living for. Honestly by the time I realized that, I almost lost everything I had."

She scrunches her face in confusion."That sounds like..."

"When I almost fucked up everything with Catherine?"

"Yeah."

"That's because it is." Her brilliant blue eyes go wide.

"It took you that long?"

"God you don't have to make it sound like I'm that old." She smiles. The first genuine smile I have seen on her in a long time.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"I know you didn't I just missed your smile." She blushes.

"What if I can't get the images to go away what if…?" I can see guilt in her eyes and suddenly I realize why Jay hasn't been talking to anyone.

"So are you going to tell me what really happened?"

Her eyes go wide in shock. "I…I" she sputters. She takes a deep breath. "How did you know?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I can see it in your eyes."

A smile curls the edges of her lips. I listen intently as she begins to tell me the truth.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sighing I pinch the bride of my nose hoping to ease my headache away. I am relieved to get back to the lab and out of the field. Away from Grissom. He has been pairing himself with me nonstop for the past week. If I have to listen to one more of his not so subtle hints about how horrible Catherine is for me the next crime scene we investigate will be his.

After dropping my evidence in Trace, and thankfully avoiding Hodges, I am now making my way to the break room. Glancing through a glass wall by chance I catch Catherine bending over a microscope focusing intently on her evidence. Her shirt is rising up revealing a small patch of skin on her lower back. The creamy skin is tantalizing. Quietly entering the room I place my hand over her exposed silky skin. Tearing her gaze from the microscope Catherine smiles up at me.

She stands up and wraps her arm around my waist and leans into me. "Hey," she mumbles from my shoulder.

"Hey baby."

Curious eyes gaze at me and I try not to blush. "You seem tense."

"Hard case." She nods her understanding. Pulling the chair out from the lab station she motions for me to sit down. I take a seat choosing not to argue with her. Closing my eyes I relax as Catherine's hands massage my neck and upper back reliving my stress with magic touches.

Her hands stop moving, "Better?"

"Mmmm" I can feel her warm breath tickling my ear, and then moving to my cheek. Turning my head I capture her lips with mine. The feel of her soft lips moving against mine causes me to crave more. Her warm velvety tongue begins to caress my lips. I willingly grant her access to my mouth. As our tongues battle I tangle my fingers in her golden locks. Her forearms rest on my shoulders and her fingers link behind my neck.

I can feels eyes on us. Before I get the chance to pull away someone says, "Sara." It's Grissom. Catherine rapidly yanks away from me. He cheeks red with a mixture of flush and embarrassment.

"What?" I say rather roughly.

"Brass caught a lead on the phone number in the vic's cell."

"Alright," I say harshly. Catherine's questioning eyes land on mine. I can see anger flashing through Gil's and I know I've pressed a button with my tone.

"I don't know what I've done to deserve your attitude," Grissom snaps. "I've been more than tolerant with this…this thing." He motions between Catherine and I, "But if you two don't keep it professional in the lab I'll be forced to step in."

Catherine glares at him in anger and disbelief. Standing up and pushing past Catherine I stand face to face with Grissom. "Let's go follow that lead then," I say without bothering to hide my bitterness. He steps out of my way appearing slightly intimidated.

I catch a glimpse of Catherine who is wearing an expression full of confusion and anger.

I turn away from her feeling guilty for yet again lying.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The lead turned out to be a dead end. Which means I was stuck with Grissom for an unnecessary amount of time. Heading toward the break room once again I hear someone call my name. Grissom. Again. Apparently two more hours with me wasn't enough for him. "Yeah?"

"Let's go over the pattern on the bloody sheet."

"I was going to go see if Hodges has anything."

"I need another pair of eyes for the sheet."

"Alright Gil. Let me get a cup of coffee before we do that."

"Okay." Finally I hear his footsteps fade as he moves in the other direction. Spotting Catherine in the break room talking to Greg I decide I will have a cup of coffee later.

Turning around I rush down the hall before Catherine catches sight of me. I have the feeling I will have some explaining to do to Catherine when I see her next. Right now I don't think I can handle that. Not with Grissom's latest rant about relationships between coworkers and how it never lasts. Rather hypocritical of him really.

Walking into the room Grissom has the sheet spread out over the layout table. We rarely ever use this layout room anymore. It is left over remains from the old design of the building. Without glass walls and a light up table.

Grissom notices me and walks past me to close the door. I frown. "Does that really need to be closed?"

"The noise is distracting me. I left the door open so you could find me." Shrugging I stare down at the sheet. Examining the odd pattern I turn to Grissom wanting to ask him if Catherine's expertise on this would be more helpful and notice he has left no space between the two of us.

Uncomfortable, I take a large step to the side. "Don't you think we should ask Catherine to look at this?"

"I do. That's why I paged her."

Grissom notices the distance I have added and steps closer to me again. "Gil stop." I can hear Catherine's heals clicking against the floor as she comes toward us.

"Stop what Sara? You can be this close to Catherine but nobody else is allowed to stand this close to you?" I can feel my anger rising.

"I've apologized Gil for not telling you about my relationship with Catherine, but now you can see why I didn't tell you?" I observe the swirling emotions in his stormy blue eyes. He takes a step closer to me and I back up. He does it again so I repeat my actions. Going to take another step backward I can feel my back press up against the wall. Grissom moves closer to me and presses his lips to mine. Pulling away he says, "Tell me you don't feel anything Sara." He kisses me again and I struggle to get away from him. I push against his shoulders trying to escape but he ignores my protests.

I can hear Catherine's voice so sweet yet so sexy right outside of the door. My efforts to have Grissom release me become more frantic. I can feel his rough tongue against my lips. His scratchy beard against my face and I am repulsed. The door opens and Grissom grabs both my wrists and pins them to the wall. I don't have to see Catherine to sense her frozen in the doorway. I push all my weight against Grissom and he stumbles backward.

I lock eyes with Catherine. "Cath," I say gently. There are tears in those beautiful blue pools. "Cat." She shakes her head. Whipping around she rapidly disappears. I shoot Grissom and death glare noting the twinkle in his eyes and rush out of the room after Catherine. "Cath!" She ignores me. "Cath please wait! You have to listen to me! I…he…I didn't think he would take his disapproval this far. The comments I could deal with…Cath!" I grab her wrist effectively stopping her. She rips her arm from my grasp. Tears are creating trails as they trickle down their cheeks. "Cath please listen to me."

She shakes her head and looks at me with sad eyes and a broken heart. "I…I need some time Sara…to think." I nod and she turns around and leaves.

Suddenly everything comes crashing down around me. I stumble into the closest room.

Metal bites my knuckles but I continue to slam my fists into the hard surface. Burning tears pour from my eyes and my hatred rises to unknown levels. When I weaken my, energy spent, cold metal is against my back as I sink to the floor. I hold myself tight. Images of Catherine's pain fresh in my mind and the feel of Grissom's lips fresh against my own. Digging my nails into my arms I rack with sobs.

"Sara stop!"Says a voice in the distance.

"Catherine?" I call out.

"Sara you're making yourself bleed. Stop." Strong hands wrap around my wrists and pull my hands from my arms.

More voices "Sara what's wrong?" Kind arms pull me to my feet and wrap me in a loving embrace. Through the blurriness I can see Nick and Greg standing to the side. Their eyes full of concern.

Warrick's soothing voice makes it through to me, "It's going to be okay girl. Tell us what happened."

Through sobs I manage to choke out "Grissom…kiss…Catherine…"

"Grissom kissed Catherine?" Nick asks.

I shake my head violently. "Grissom….kissed…me…Catherine sa…"

"Grissom kissed you and Catherine saw," Greg says with anger in his voice. "Did he do this on purpose?" I am no longer paying attention to him.

"Catherine…" I say quietly. Warrick rubs my back.

"She will understand Sara."

"She…time…I ruined this."

"No you didn't Sar. Let's get you home." Wiping my eyes I nod. A haze has fallen over the world separating me from reality. Memories of Catherine flash in front of me, and I hold back tears. Nick and Greg walk beside me as Warrick signs us out.

I sit in back with Greg and Nick takes the passenger seat.

This is just what Catherine feared. Losing me. That's why she never told me she loved me. She does and look what happens. Damn Grissom. Fucking asshole. How could he do something like this?

Catherine. She has such a dazzling smile. It makes me weak at the knees. I can see it perfectly in my mind's eye. Beautiful, expressive eyes flash morphing into hurt, foggy, blue eyes.

Shaking my head I bring myself back to the border between reality and the mind. Dull tones and dark thoughts greet me.

The sun is beginning to show in the sky. Once vibrant tones now cause me to recoil from unwanted color. The street around me is familiar but not mine. Catherine.

"Let me out."

"Sara you are upset let me bring you home."

"I said let me out!" The car comes to an abrupt stop and I stumble into the early morning air.

* * *

TBC...


	37. Chapter 37

**EDITED**

* * *

**Catherine's POV**

Sitting on the couch I continue to stare at the photo of Sara in my hands. I can no longer feel the tears pouring down my face, but I know they are there. _His body against hers. His lips on hers._ Anger sears through me. Grissom has some nerve, and to think I ever called him a friend. Then Sara…Sara, how could she do this to me? I thought we were being honest with each other. How could she not tell me what Grissom has been putting her through? I trusted her. I told her I loved her.

I knew…_ I knew_ that something like this would happen. I told Sara I loved her despite the protests of my mind and heart, because I do love her and I always will. Sometimes though, sometimes, I wonder if that love will be enough. I've wanted this for so long, but it seems like when we are together it is nothing but drama with brief periods of respite. Will things ever settle down? Do I really want them to?

My whole body aches with emotions. I wish I was numb. I wish I could crawl into a corner and wait for everything to pass.

My phone vibrates twice in my pocket before falling silent. Looking at it I find I have a new text from Lindsay. Opening it I read, _Is Sara ok?_

Hitting reply I write, _What r u talking about?_

I wait. After a few minutes my phone vibrates again. My eyes skim the message. _She was standin outside when J & I left this mornin. _That was two hours ago. Sara wouldn't still be there. Would she? Getting up I make my way into the kitchen and peer through the window over the sink. My eyes land on Sara. She is hugging herself tightly, and wearing a mixture of emotions on her face that include lost, confused, and defeated.

Walking to the front door I freeze with my hand on the doorknob. I rest my forehead against cool wood and try to pull myself together. All I succeed in doing though is creating more tears. Part of me doesn't want Sara to see me so vulnerable. But the other part of me wants her to see what she does to me. Wants her to see so that she will suffer for what she has done by refusing to talk to me.

Opening the door Sara jumps in surprise. We lock eyes. Tears are streaming down her face and I want to rush over to her. To hold her in my arms and comfort her, but I fight back the impulse. Instead I turn around and go back into the living room. I leave the door open for Sara to follow me when she feels like it.

I sit on the couch and wonder if I should have waited for Sara to come in. I wonder if she will run, or if she will have the strength to face me.

She has always had such a big heart. She has cared for everyone, and done everything she could for them for as long as can remember. That heart, the way that she gives anybody kindness without questions, how she is willing to love people unconditionally in her own way, is a big part of why I fell in love with her. I've always wished I could be like Sara, so kind, so strong, and after everything I have learned about her I wish that ten times more.

The front door closes and my heart skips a beat before I am filled with relief. We might have the chance to talk this out. To fix it.

For the first time I realize how far we have both come since this all started and I am proud of us. I am reassured that our love for one another will be enough even if times are rough.

Sara cautiously enters the room and takes a seat next to me. "What happened Sara?" I ask quietly.

"I don't know really… Grissom was giving me a hard time. He was standing close to me so I backed up, but he kept moving closer to me. The next thing I knew I was trapped and his lips were on mine. All I could think about was how you said you loved me, and how I had to get out of his arms. All I could hear were your heels clicking as you came closer…and then you walked in…"

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on?"

"I saw everything you were already dealing with and I didn't want to give you anymore to think about." She looks at me for the first time. Her gaze forces me to look away. I note her split knuckles the smeared blood on her arms.

Before I can say anything her lips crash into mine. Roughly I tangle my fingers in my hair and pull her closer. Her tongue enters my mouth and I tease it with my own. Her hands are traveling down my body. Brushing the underside of my breast. Running down my sides causing me to squirm.

She stands and yanks my shirt off. Grabbing my wrists she pulls me up and captures my lips in another bruising kiss. I begin to lead Sara toward the bedroom. I press myself into her and moan at the feeling of our bodies coming together. Sara lets go of my wrists involuntarily and I move my hands to her hips. I slide my fingers under her shirt and dig my nails into the soft flesh beneath fabric. A deep groan escapes Sara. She kisses my neck. Soon teeth scrape my skin and quickly Sara begins to add more pressure. I have no doubt there will be marks there tomorrow but I like it. I moan and lose myself in the sensation.

My mind doesn't know what to process the touches, or the moment, or the longing. I am partially brought back to reality when Sara slams me against the wall. She pins my wrist above my head. I turn my head to the side. Cool wood relieves my burning skin. I long to turn around and touch Sara but she has me trapped. Her teeth graze the back of my shoulders. I strain to see her. When our eyes lock a stream of heat rushes downward. Her eyes are black with desire.

Her lips meet mine. I explore her mouth. She bites my lip until she draws blood. I whimper at the new flavor mixed with Sara's salty tears, and the unique taste. She grinds into my ass. I don't recall losing my pants but I have. Again I am struggling to stay in the present. My senses are on over drive again.

Suddenly Sara is gone. I turn around and find her standing in the middle of the hallway watching me. Her eyes are filled with a mixture of lust and love. Slowly I move toward her. Adding an extra swing to my hips I notice her eyes flicker downward. I press our bodies together and move her so she backed is against the wall. I kiss down her neck and then move back up to her pulse point and suck on the exposed flesh I find there. With eager hands I remove her shirt. I leave a trail of bite marks down her neck and the closer I get to her fabric concealed breasts the harder I bite. Sara moans quietly in encouragement.

I begin to work on unbuttoning her pants. Sara has a hand in my hair and the other cups my ass. I get frustrated when I can't get her pants' button undone because I am becoming increasingly distracted by the circles Sara is tracing closer and closer to where I want her hands.

A low chuckle comes from Sara and she places her hands on top of mine and winks at me. She escapes from her place against the wall and walks toward the bedroom. I admire the way her hips sway as she walks and how great her ass looks in those jeans as I follow her. When she reaches my bedroom her pants drop and pool around her ankles before she steps out of them. My jaw drops and I freeze. Sara Sidle is wearing a thong and is giving me a great view of her tight, nicely toned ass.

She disappears into my room and I quickly try to calm myself down before walking into the room. Sara is sitting on the edge of the bed. Her bra is now somewhere on the floor. She looks at me with shyness. Her expression melts my heart and turns me on at the same time. "Do you know what you do to me Sara?" I ask. My voice is low and husky. Her dark pools twinkle.

Standing between her legs I gaze at her. I push her back so that she is lying on the bed. Dragging my nails down her sides she hisses as she arches her back. I hook my fingers around the string of Sara's thong and take the item off. Taking in the dark curls I allow my eyes to wander up creamy skin to light brown, erect nipples. Moving closer to Sara I groan when I feel her warm wetness against my lower stomach. It takes all my strength to not come at this sensation. I start to knead Sara's breasts. Her nipples strain against my hands. I can hear ragged breathing. I kiss and lick up her stomach.

Sara's hands snake around my back and unhook my bra. Stopping what I am doing I slowly slide each strap down my arms and then let the garment drop. I watch Sara whose eyes are transfixed on me. She lets out a quiet, "wow," under her breath and I smile before continuing my exploration of Sara's body.

I want to get under her skin. I want to make her tumble over the edge. I long for the connection between us. For the moment when we go from being two to becoming one. I need her to know just how special she is to me and exactly how much she means to me. "Cath."

I look up at Sara. She pulls herself up into the middle of the bed and pats the spot next to her. I crawl up to her and straddle her. She kisses me forcefully and flips us so that I am trapped beneath her. I rest my hands on her toned arms as she hovers over me. I can feel the muscles beneath my fingers twitching with the strain of holding her whole body up.

Sara's nipples brush over mine. My skin is on fire and between my legs is throbbing. Sara makes her way down my body. Her hands, tongue, and lips are now on my breasts. She pinches and twists my nipples roughly but at the same time gently.

Moving her mouth down my stomach she dips her tongue into my belly button. I moan out her name and she stops. Opening my eyes I gaze at her in confusion.

She returns to hovering over me. She pushes her leg against my core and I whimper at the sudden friction I have been longing for. I move my leg between hers and begin to grind against her leg. I know I can't hold back much longer.

I can feel Sara's swollen lips brush my leg. She is velvety and warm. She begins to move faster and adds more pressure to her movements. I match her pace as I rub against her leg. As I run my fingernails down her spine Sara emits a small moan.

Sara starts to shake and I let go. Intense pleasure washes over me. Arching into Sara I dig my nails into her back as I try to get as close to her as possible. I call out her name as she shakes silently above me and bites into my shoulder.

Sara collapses beside me and I turn to face her. She is breathing as heavily as am I. I kiss her passionately and she wraps her arms around me. She rests her forehead on mine. "I love you," I whisper to her between breaths.

"I love you too. I'm so sorry Cath."

I shake my head. "Don't apologize just promise that you will talk to me next time."

"I will," she replies quietly. I tuck her hair behind her ear and brush my lips against hers.

My eyelids are becoming heavy. I continue to gaze into Sara's eyes and watch as she struggles to keep of sleep too. She rolls onto her back and I snuggle into her side and rest my head on her chest. I listen to her breathing and wait for the rise and fall of her chest to lull me to sleep.

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Opening my eyes I groan as afternoon light meets them. Glancing at the clock I know I should get up because Lindsay and Jay will be home soon. Sara is pressed against my back and my body instantly reacts to her touch. I realize that our clothes are left wherever we dropped them and I need to pick them up before the girls get home.

Being careful not to wake Sara I get out of bed and grab my robe. I go into the hallway and begin to pick up clothes.

When I am pretty sure I have everything I go back into the bedroom. I put all of our clothes in a pile and pick out fresh clothes before I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower.

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I hear the bedroom door open as I finish brushing my teeth. When I walk into the room I find Lindsay frozen in place just inside the room. Her eyes are locked on Sara. I glance at Sara. She is lying on her back and covered from the waist down. Her nipples are hard as the cold room air bites at her skin. She has an arm thrown over her eyes and she is quietly snoring. A small smile creeps onto my face before I remember that Lindsay is in the room.

I turn my attention back to her at the same time she focuses on me. Our eyes lock and she blushes deeply before hurrying out of the room. "Shit," I mumble.

I move over to the bed and sit on the edge of it. I caress Sara's face. "Babe wake up." She groans and rolls so that her back is facing me. "Sara."

"Mmmm." I pull myself further onto the bed and lean over her so that I can see her face.

"Wake up."

"I don't want to," she says sleepily. I chuckle.

"I know you don't, but you have to. I think we might have just embarrassed Lindsay. Well maybe it was only me but…"

"What'd you do?"

"I caught her staring at you."

"So?"

"You're naked." Her hand darts out from under the covers and she runs it over her bare stomach.

"Shit."

"Get up."

"I will. Talk to her." I sigh and get up.

I close the door being me when I leave the room. Walking into the kitchen I find Lindsay searching through the cupboards for a snack. "There's ice cream in the freezer." I tell her.

She glances at me and then moves to the freezer and takes out the ice cream. I start the coffee machine and stand next to Lindsay who is leaning against the counter waiting for the ice cream to thaw. "Where's Jay?"

"Hanging out with friends somewhere," Lindsay says quietly. I can tell that she is in a bad mood.

"Oh. Who?"

"I don't know. Friends." I nod my head. "So you and Sara…"

"Yeah…ummm…" I have no clue what to say. How am I supposed to talk to my daughter about having sex with Sara.

"I didn't mean to stare. I was just surprised that's all."

"It's fine. I don't think Sara cares either."

"Good."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I just had a bad day."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay." I kiss Lindsay on the head before grabbing two mugs out of the cupboard. The room is silent as I prepare coffee and Lindsay scoops out her ice cream. Once she has put everything away Lindsay gets a spoon and leaves the room.

I sigh. That was the most awkward conversation that we've had in a long time. I know that Lindsay is holding back, but I don't know why and I don't know how to get her to talk to me.

I hear footsteps and Sara's arms snake around my waist. I turn in her arms and send her a small smile. I notice the marks on her neck, "You know Sara, and you really shouldn't let your girlfriend mark up your neck like that, because it is almost impossible to cover without making things obvious."

She raises and eyebrow, "I didn't have much of a choice." She smiles and kisses me. " I was thinking," She places another small kiss on my lips. "Why don't we both take the night off and go out to dinner?"

A grin spreads across my face, "I would love to."

* * *

TBC...


	38. Chapter 38

**EDITED**

* * *

**Sara's POV**

Walking into the break room a small smile curls my lips as I watch the guys playing video games. They are so competitive it is cute. My eyes wander to the gorgeous blonde standing by the coffee maker. Catherine is staring at the machine, but I can see the distance in her eyes.

Quietly I move toward her. I rest my hip against the counter and watch her. A few golden strands of hair have escaped from behind her ears. Gently I push them back out of her face. She blinks and her eyes flicker to meet mine. She smiles softly at me.

I cross my arms over my chest and Catherine places a hand on my forearm. Her eyes dart down to her hand and she removes it from my arm, revealing crescent shaped scabs as if she has just remembered they are there. Her finger lightly traces each one before she locks eyes with me. There is a question within those blue depths, but she doesn't say anything and for that I am grateful.

We talked about a lot of things when we went to dinner last night, but I don't think I could ever tell Catherine how vulnerable and broken she left me yesterday. I don't fear that she will ever use that against me, but I don't want to her to feel guilty about the way she handled things.

Smirking at her I lean forward slowly to capture her lips. At the last possible second she turns her head. I stop, confused. She whispers in my ear "Not at work Sara."

I nod. I know that we shouldn't show affection toward each other at work, look where that has gotten us so far, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to.

Turning to the coffee I see that it is done so I grab two mugs from the cupboard and fill them. Catherine takes hers from me and her fingers lightly brush over my hand. My eyes find hers and despite myself I smile giddily at her.

I move over to the couch and Catherine follows me. I lean into Catherine and whisper, "How did I do on covering my neck?" She sends me a devilish smile and discreetly examines my work.

"I can't see anything," she informs me. I glance at the creamy skin on her neck. I know where the marks should be, but they have vanished. Catherine raises an eyebrow at me and I smirk. "The magic of cover up," she says quietly. I roll my eyes at her. I am certain that she had no problem with her makeup. I had to spend an extra hour getting ready this morning.

I take a sip of my coffee. The bitter taste is refreshing. "You haven't talked to Jay lately have you?" Catherine asks.

"You mean talk, talked?"

"Yeah."

"No. Why?"

She shrugs, "When she came home last night she seemed a little off that's all."

"Had she been dr…"

"No…no I checked. And no drugs." I nod. I had a feeling she would have checked. It's not that Catherine suspected anything, but then again it's not uncommon for people having a hard time with life to self medicate. I've done it. Catherine's done. We've all done it really even if we aren't conscious of what we were doing.

"Do you think we should be worried?"

"I'm not sure." I notice that Catherine has finished her coffee. I take her mug from her and stand up.

"Is Linzz worried?" I walk over to the coffee machine. Catherine joins me.

"It doesn't seem like it, but you know how she is. She is very good at hiding her emotions."

"Just like her mom," I say and wink at her.

"Not anymore," she replies quietly.

"Hey Sara." I turn to face Greg. "That's one love bite on your neck." I feel my eyes go wide.

I look at Catherine who looks just as shocked as I feel. "I thought you said they weren't noticeable," I hiss. By this point I can sense Warrick and Nick's eyes on me too.

Catherine steps in front of me and pushes my hair out of the way for a better look. "They weren't," she gently moves my head to the side. "They aren't." Our eyes land on Greg who is wearing a shit eating grin.

"I knew it! You two had sex!" I can feel the blush making itself visible on my face. A glance at Catherine informs me we have given ourselves away without saying anything. She is blushing with more grace than I. She is wearing a light shade of pink while I am certain I'm as red as a tomato.

Nick's mouth is open slightly in surprise, and Warrick's smile is just as big as Greg's. Catherine recovers first. "Of course we did. I mean if you were me would you really be able to resist Sara for as long as I have?" Her words do nothing to improve my state of embarrassment.

Footsteps sound in the hall and I can hear Grissom clear his throat. Everyone is busy trying to pull themselves together when he enters the room. Catherine moves closer to me when her eyes land on Gil. I look at her and can't help but smile. She is standing just in front of me off to the side slightly. The thought of her being so protective touches my heart. I rest my hand on her lower back in reassurance.

Grissom refuses to make eye contact with anyone. He sets the assignment slips on the table and leaves the room. I can't tell if he is embarrassed of his actions or just preoccupied with something else. Hopefully he's not scheming a new way to steal me from Catherine.

"If he's embarrassed serves him right," Nick says breaking the silence.

"Yeah." Warrick agrees. "Especially since we had that talk with him." Catherine catches my eye.

"Ummm guys what talk?" I ask uncertainly.

"Oh it was nothing," Warrick explains. "All we said is that if he ever tries to pull a stunt like that again not only will he lose his whole team, but he will have to watch his back."

"You threatened him! What if he reports you?" Catherine exclaims.

"What proof does he have?" Greg replies with a smirk on his face. "Plus he would never survive if he lost his whole team. What other family does he have?"

The word family stands out to me. It is the truth, no matter what happens or what Grissom does; we will all still treat him as family. We know no different and we would never turn our backs on our family. We've all been on the receiving end of that at one point or another and we would or could never do it to each other.

I can't stop myself so I grab Nick who is standing closest to me and pull him into a hug. I ruffle his hair and say, "What would I do without brothers like you guys? Even though you are dumbasses."

"Hey!" They protest at the same time. Nick lightly punches me on the shoulder when I let go of him.

Catherine has moved to examine the assignment slips and is easily sliding into her natural role as leader. I notice her hand is lightly resting on Greg's arm. The bond between the two makes me smile. They were close before. Catherine was the one who gave Greg his first chance in the field, but their relationship has changed, however at the same time it has stayed the same. Now they are closer than ever before. I know how much Catherine's friendship with Greg means to her and I can see in this moment just how much it means to Greg too.

"Let's see. Warrick and Nick you've got a four-nineteen in a motel just off the strip," She passes the slip to Warrick. I note that she briefly squeezes his hand in her silent way of thanks for what he has done for us. "Sar, you have an assault at a home in Henderson." She hands me the slip. Unable to control my hands I run my fingers over her ass as I pass her. As I walk out of the room I hear her say, "And Greg we have a four-nineteen out by Lake Mead. By the way I'm going to get you for the comment you made earlier." I chuckle to myself as I picture the look of terror on Greg's face.

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I pull my jacket out of my locker, ready to go home. "Sara?" A timid voice says. I instantly recognize it.

Sighing I turn around. "Gil?" He has dark bags under his eyes. The lines on his face and red in his eyes are more pronounced than usual. His clothes appear as if they haven't been changed in a few days. In spite of everything I feel a twinge of worry and sympathy for the man standing in the doorway.

Taking a seat on the bench I look at him expectantly. He cautiously sits next to me. He remains silent. I take my eyes off of him hoping that it will give him courage to start talking. "I don't have chance with you do I?" He looks at me. I can see the little hope left in his eyes rapidly extinguishing. "I thought maybe if you remembered what it felt like for us to be close physically it would change your mind…I love you Sara…I always have…"

"I know Gil. I know you do, and I'm sorry, but for me something about our relationship was never right." I place a hand on his back hoping to comfort him. "I will always love you Gris, just not the way I should have when we were together."

"But you feel that way for Catherine?"

"Yeah…I do. I can't explain it. Everything feels so right…"

"I understand. " His eyes are on me. "You really love her don't you?" I nod. "I can see it in your eyes when you talk about her." A small smile creeps onto my face.

"We're still friends right?"

"Always," he remains somber but I note that the edges of his lips curl upward for a brief moment. "I should apologize to Catherine."

"You should, but a word of advice; you might want to wait until she calms down." My words cause him to laugh lightly.

"You might have just saved my life."

"Oh not might have, _did_. You owe me Gil." I pull him into a hug. He holds me closely as if his life depends on it. I realize that this is our closure. It is the end of our off and on again flirting, the end of our relationship, and the beginning of our friendship. We have always had a friendship but it stemmed from our mutual attraction for one another. Now we are beginning something new. It maybe be the first time we see each other for who we are without the fog of the past in the way.

"Hey Sara are you in here?" I open my eyes and gaze into the crystal blue ones belonging to Catherine. I feel Grissom stiffen in my embrace. Only Catherine has been able to truly intimidate him, and I have no doubt he is fearing what will happen next. I send Catherine a small smile, and rub Grissom's back briefly before pulling out of the hug.

"Hey Cath, I was just getting ready to leave. What do you need babe?" I move toward my locker in hopes that Catherine will join me giving Grissom the opportunity to slip out of the room.

"I was uhh…I was," Her eyes haven't left Grissom. I can see the pain in them. Grissom has hurt Catherine more than he will ever know. He is the one man that proved to her that all men are not the same as the ones she grew up around. He is the first man she ever respected, and most of all he was her best friend. She told me that even if they do reconcile their friendship she is afraid it will never be the same, and that thought alone brought her to tears. She loves Grissom even if she doesn't realize it. She doesn't love him like she loves me, but she loves him to death and I know even now she can't imagine her life without him in it.

I respect whatever It is that is between them. I don't expect to understand because relationships between people are difficult. Just like Catherine will most likely never understand the form of friendship I have with Grissom, but I know she will accept it, and in time come to not question it, or question herself.

She is all I ever need, and I love her. I hope one day I will be able to prove to her just how much.

Luckily for Grissom, Catherine does move closer to me. She glances at Gil and nods at him. He sends her a small smile that is not returned. He looks crushed, but he couldn't have expected everything would just go back to normal. I send him a sympathetic glance. He gets up and sneaks out of the locker room. I hear him close the door behind himself, and I force myself to suppress a smile.

"Everything okay?" I can hear the concern in Catherine's voice.

"Yeah…yeah I think everything is going to be fine." I send her a small smile. "He apologized."

"Oh…" Suddenly there is such a mixture of emotions in her eyes I cannot decipher them. I reach out and put a hand on her arm.

"He's sorry. I think he sees how much he's fucked things up."

"And you forgive him?" I nod. "Just like that?"

"Cath…Grissom has always been there for me when nobody else was. I don't want to lose him. I know what he means to you Cat, and I understand that it will take you time to get over what has happened, but I have a feeling he will be waiting when you are ready. Are you upset that I forgave him so easily?"

She gazes into my eyes for a moment before shaking her head no. "You need to do things your own way." She steps closer to me and leans her head against my shoulder. I wrap my arms tightly around her. She is silently shaking in my arms. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. Kissing the top of her head I hold her closely.

"It'll be okay Cat. I promise in the end everything will be okay." She wraps her arms around me. Her tears are beginning to soak through my shirt. I whisper soothing words in her ear.

Catherine calms down, and looks up at me with puffy eyes. I brush my lips against hers. Her lips follow mine and I allow her to kiss me harder. When I feel her tongue against my lips, begging for access to my mouth and trying to bring us closer together, I pull back. "Not here Cath." She nods in agreement and buries her face in my shoulder.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" She looks up at me.

I kiss her lightly and pull her closer to me for a moment. Sending her a smile I grab her hand and pull her toward the door. "Let's go."

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I run my thumb over the back of Catherine's hand as I pull onto her street. "You know you really are an amazing person," she says while she looks out the window.

"What are you talking about?" I don't know where that came from, or how she could think that. I am far from amazing in my, in anybody's, opinion.

"With Grissom. How you forgave him without a second thought. I wish I could be more like you sometimes." This last part is said shyly.

"No you don't Cat. You wish you could you be a better person, but what you don't see is you are already the person you want to become." I glance at her and she rolls her eyes at me.

"Right."

Pulling into the driveway there is already a car there. I recognize it immediately. "Hey Cat, why is your mom here?"

* * *

TBC...


	39. Chapter 39

**EDITED**

* * *

Catherrine's POV

Staring at the car in my driveway it takes me a moment to realize that Sara asked me a question. Glancing at her I can see the concern clearly written across her face. I shrug and let go of her hand, "I don't know."

"Do you want me to go? I can pick you up…"

"No." I look over at Sara and send her a small smile. "Stay. Please."

"Okay," she reaches out and grazes my arm with her hand. Leaning over the center console I capture her lips with mine. Her fingers rest lightly on my jaw.

Pulling away I whisper, "I love you." Sara beams at me causing my confidence to soar. I open the door and begin to step out of the car. "Maybe you could stay by the door, out of sight, just until I see what she wants."

"Sounds like a plan, but I'll be listening. If she says anything…"

"I know." Reaching into the car I squeeze her arm in silent appreciation. The pure love and protectiveness of Sara's actions are overwhelming and cause my heart to swell. All of that is for me.

Sara joins me after I walk around the car and my hand instantly seeks out hers. When Sara intertwines out fingers I stop. Sara has yet to notice this and doesn't stop until an automatic tug on her arm informs her she can't go any further. She turns and looks at me with warm, questioning eyes. I feel nothing but love for her as I pull her closer to me; my eyes never leaving her chocolaty ones. She closes the distance between us; her soft lips work gently against mine causing electricity to spark in the connection between us. I can sense all that she is feeling and attempt to express to Sara how much she means to me. I long to be closer to Sara, but I know now is not the time. My fingers tangle in Sara's silky hair on their own accord. When lack of oxygen becomes a problem we break apart. Sara rests her forehead against mine and squeezes my hand that has remained linked with hers. Her other hand rests on mine and slowly untangles my fingers from her hair. She takes my hand in hers and places it between our bodies. I can feel her heart beating against the back of my hand in a slow, steady rhythm. Lazily I open my eyes and meet hers. A grin spreads across my face, which is soon mirrored on Sara's lips. There is so much going on in those dark eyes I begin to lose myself in them as I search the layers of emotions. She brushes her lips over mine. My lips follow hers in a chaste kiss; I never allow my eyes to leave hers.

"You know I'm glad you two are happy and all but get inside before I decide I can't deal with Grandma anymore and throw myself off of the roof." Lindsay's voice is lowered in a whisper. I peer over Sara's shoulder and find Lindsay standing discreetly next to the kitchen window. Sara turns her head to look at Lindsay over her shoulder when I have finished watching my daughter…our daughter. I smile to myself. Sara is too distracted silently laughing at Lindsay to notice.

Reluctantly I let go of Sara and make my way to the front door. Sara's quiet footsteps sound right behind me. I stop at the front door and take a deep breath trying to calm my wild nerves that returned the moment I left Sara's arms. I can sense Sara's proximity before she pushes my hair away from the left side of my neck. Her warm breath tickles my exposed skin and then her full lips place a chaste kiss there.

"I'll be right there waiting if you need me. You can do this Cat," She whispers in my ear. I nod and allow myself to briefly relax into Sara for comfort. Lindsay appears when I open the door and we lock eyes. She shrugs already knowing the question that has barely formed on my lips. Sara closes the door and I make my way to the living room before Mom decides she needs to seek me out.

I enter the room and my mom stands. "Catherine, dear." She holds her arms out to me as if expecting a hug. Instead I cross my arms over my chest letting her know that her actions have not been forgotten, or forgiven. Her warmth wavers when met with my icy demeanor.

"Mom." My eyes travel the room and for the first time I notice a figure with their back to me at the window. "Nance," my tone weakens and my mood falters. My mom I can deal with but Nancy…her opinion has always mattered to me…and what she said hurt.

Nancy turns to face me. She appears to be lost and uncertain. Her eyes meet mine and her voice comes out just as quietly as mine did when she replies, "Cath."

"Why…what are you doing here?" Nancy opens her mouth to respond but my mom cuts her off.

"We are here Catherine, to tell you that we will try to accept your, uh, em, sexuality." My mom moves closer to me forcing me to take my eyes off Nancy and look at her instead. The longer I watched Nancy the more concerned I became. She no longer seems uncertain and lost. She is uncertain and lost. "Under a few conditions…"

"I didn't ask you to accept anything," I angrily interject. "I cannot expect you to understand what it feels like to truly love. _Unconditionally…_"

"As I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, honestly Catherine you would think I taught you nothing," I snort in disbelief. Out of the corner of my eye I catch the edges of Nancy's lips curl upward. My mom goes on as if nothing has happened. "As long as you are not with, with…Sara. She is not good for you Catherine. She…" Anger is burning within me, threatening to make itself known. Arms wrap around my waist pulling me backward. Sara's body presses firmly into mine as she leans forward and gives me a small kiss on the cheek. She rests her chin on my shoulder. I place my hands on Sara's arms gaining instant calmness from her. I hear Nancy emit a small noise, but I let it go because I could tell she tried to suppress it.

"Go on Lily," Sara sharply says, "I would love to know why I am wrong for Catherine. I would also like to know who in Hell's name gave you permission to decide that."

A smug expression appears on my mother's face. "She is untrustworthy for one." I am about to snap at my mom for acting like Sara is not in the room. "I did a background check and…"

"You what?!" To my surprise this comes neither from me or Sara, but Nancy.

"Did I mumble Nancy? You heard me, God someone would think you are deaf." Nancy's jaw drops.

"Don't talk to her like that," I state coolly.

My mother only raises a challenging eyebrow at me before continuing. "I didn't have to do as much digging, as it was. Sara's history is highly publicized if you know where to look. With her history it is clear Catherine that Sara is not safe to be around. Especially for you. With her mother murdering her father, nobody escapes from that untouched. I hear that kind of thing runs in the family." I find it ironic that if I was not dating Sara my mother would have nothing but sympathy for her. Nancy's gasp cannot be missed this time, especially paired with all of the color leaving her face at once. But she doesn't look scared, only sad, sad and confused. I know that Mom has touched a deep insecurity within Sara. Her grip loosens on me so I press myself further into her trying to reassure her that everything will be alright. "I bet she didn't tell you that, Catherine, did she? Obviously it is not good for either you or Lindsay to be around her. I am only telling you this because I know what is best for you. And then there is the matter of Jay…"

"Not that it _is_ any of your business, but Sara did tell me about her parents, so once again you have underestimated her, which doesn't come as a big surprise since you never took the time to get to know her." Guilt appears on Nancy's face; something I didn't expect. I tighten my grip on Sara's arms. "What Sara told me only made me love and respect her more. It furthered my belief that she is an amazing person. I love her." To prove my point even more, but mostly to soothe Sara I turn in her arms so that I can look her straight in the eyes. I caress her jaw line with my thumb and gently lift her chin so that her eyes meet mine. "I love you and you know that." I can see the memories floating in her eyes. I wait for a response. Finally she nods so I continue. "Nothing of what happened in your past matters to me except that it made you the person that you are today. Nothing will ever change because of what you had to go through. Remember that?" She nods again and I kiss her. It is a simple kiss yet one full of passion and understanding. I could care less at who is watching at the moment, or that my mom keeps clearing her throat as if she is choking. All that matters is being there for Sara. Loving Sara.

"Hey Mom we're leaving…oh good God not again." When I mimic my earlier actions and look at Lindsay over Sara's shoulder I can see the twinkle in her eyes as she winks at me.

"Alright babe. Have a good day." I notice that Jay is not with her. "Where's Jay?"

"Went out the bedroom window. Something about not wanting to put up with Grandma's shi…with Grandma. I don't blame her really." Lindsay pauses as I begin to laugh; she really has some wit saying what she has with Mom in the room. Sara's arms tighten around me, but I know her eyes are on Lindsay. "Oh and while we are on the subject of Grandma according to her you need to feed me more, stop allowing me to dress so slutty, and forbid me from hanging around faggots who are a bad influence on her precious granddaughter." I wince at Lindsay's harsh language and know that is exactly what my mother said. Lindsay would never use such harmful words. I clench my jaw and something in Lindsay's eyes makes its way to the surface. It doesn't take me long to identify the emotion. Fury.

"Okay," I say quietly attempting to keep the venom from my voice while speaking to Lindsay.

"See ya, Sara," Lindsay says as she disappears from the living room entrance.

"Later kiddo," Sara calls back. I can hear the restraint in her voice. She is refusing to allow her emotions out when talking with Lindsay even though I can tell it won't take much more to cause her to explode.

"Hey…"

"Yeah I know, you don't like it when I call you that." I feel some of the tension being released from her body as she playfully banters with Lindsay.

"You've got that right." There is laughter in Lindsay's voice and I know that she will be okay for today. I smile knowing that Sara had a part in that. A car horn beeps signaling either Jay or one of their friends is getting impatient. The door closes as my mother once again clears her throat. Sara moves to let go of me but I refuse to let her. Spinning in her arms I face my mother not bothering to hide my growing rage.

"What mother?"

"Have you listened to anything I've said? I'm willing…"

"At this point I don't care what you think of me, or if you are even around. If you really loved me you wouldn't be doing this in the first place. Giving me conditions, forcing me to choose. Don't force me to do that because I won't choose you."

"How dare you question my feelings for you! And how dare you talk to me that way Catherine Willows. I raised you better than that. Not to mention you won't only be losing me but your sister too. She agrees with me on this." I glance at Nancy for confirmation that my mom's words are a lie. Nancy wouldn't do this to me. Would she? She opens her mouth to speak, but closes it again looking more confused than ever. Mom's eyes are burning holes in my skin.

"Your love shouldn't have conditions," I reply. My voice is oozing with venom as I glare at her. Refusing to back down.

"Well don't say we didn't give you a chance Catherine. Come on Nancy."

"Actually Mom, I think I'm staying with Catherine this time." Shock does not even begin to explain how I feel as Nancy's words register in my mind. My eyes lock with hers, but she looks away almost instantly.

"Fine," Mom says as she storms out of the room obviously fuming. I can't help but smile at her bad mood.

"Do you think you could give us a moment?" I whisper in Sara's ear. Sara nods and releases me from her embrace. Without her arms around me I feel cold and a little more alone. I don't know if this is because of who I am alone with the room with or not, but I have a suspicion it might be.

When Sara leaves the room I return my attention back to Nancy with anxiety churning it the pit of my stomach. My little sister has returned to her post by the window. She seems so small compared to the world outlined around her and a great wave of sorrow rushes through me as I think about Nancy having to deal with whatever it is that is bothering her alone. Without even her family to talk to. We've always been each other's confidants, and even if I was pissed beyond belief at Nancy I would have been there for her if she needed me. I thought she knew that. I don't think I'm as angry at her anymore as I am disappointed. I've always held her to high standards. Ones she couldn't meet. But that doesn't matter as I watch her; it's just nice to see her again.

I walk over to Nancy and place a hand on her lower back trying to provide her with an inkling of comfort. She flinches away from my touch so I remove my hand uncertain of what is happening. "Nance, what's wrong?"

She brushes past me and begins to pace the length of the living room. "I always thought Mom was right…whatever she said had to be right, ever since I was little..."

"I know you did sweetie. I remember." I look at my baby sister with loving eyes and all I can see is the little girl I loved who has grown into a woman I love. My sister and nothing more.

"She said what you were doing was wrong…that it is unnatural to have relationships with someone of the same sex…I thought she was right…I've been thinking about the fight we had…how I turned to Mom. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"'I've already forgiv…"

"I thought about what you said, and what I said. I was horrible to you, but for the first time I thought, maybe mom isn't right…I only ever wanted her to love me like the way I saw she loved you," I can't suppress a small chuckle of disbelief at Nancy's ridiculous notion. "It's true…the way she would look at you with such pride and love…that is until she found out that you are bi…she's always said it was wrong…but I've been doing a lot of thinking about when we were kids; she said those kind of people are diseased, that they are too different to be considered remotely normal. I never knew why, but that's what she said…but all I could think about is all of that time we spent together as kids and…and how you seemed no different than anyone else…no different from me," For the first time she looks up and holds my gaze. "I thought about you now and I thought about Lindsay and I really could only see one difference, so I began to wonder if what I had been taught was wrong…you look at women differently than I do, but you have an open heart…you can love whomever you choose because you are willing accept them no matter what and I admire that about you Cath…I remembered the way you looked at Sara that night at the recital and I realized that you love her…you love her like I've never seen you love anyone, not even Eddie…and she makes you happy. I keep asking myself if I was wrong …I just can't seem to change, I'm so confused…I…I…" She stops pacing and thick tears start to stream down her cheeks.

Without hesitation I walk over to Nancy and wrap her in my arms. "I'm sorry Cath. God I'm so sorry…I…I'm not saying…that I'm totally okay with…with this…yet but I want…want to try…to be…at least…for…you…I'm so sorry," She says through ragged breaths.

"I know you are."

"God…I've missed you…so much…I love you…Cath."

"I love you too Nance." I reassure her, because I do.

"How…how can you?" She begins to shake more violently in my arms

"You're my baby sister," Her arms wrap around me in a crushing grip.

I hear soft footsteps and Sara appears in the doorway. I glance at her before returning my full attention to my sister. I hear Sara retreating back into the kitchen, and I am grateful she respects my privacy. Many of my other lovers didn't know what the word privacy meant. "We can work through this Nancy." My words allow Nancy to begin to calm down.

"Cath, I know now, I know that I was wrong." Instantly I am certain that if she is willing to try and accept who I am, then I am willing to give her a second chance.

"We are all wrong sometimes sweetheart."

She pulls away from me and sends me a sad smile as she wipes her tears away with her sleeve. "I really am sorry."

"I know. I…I've missed you," I timidly admit.

"I don't see why you would have."

"Everything okay in here?" Sara is leaning against the wall watching us with a knowing expression.

I clear my throat, "Yeah."

To my surprise Nancy moves closer to Sara. "Sara I was, uh, wondering if, um, maybe we could start over?" I am relieved to see that Nancy is willing to start fixing things right away. It gives me confidence that things will be alright. Things between us might be hard, Nancy cannot give up all her prejudices in one day, that would be too much to ask, but eventually things will go back to normal. I will one day have my little sister back. With one change, she will love me for who I am.

Sara smirks at Nancy, "Under one condition." I raise a questioning eyebrow at Sara.

"Um, what?"

Sara's smirk turns into a full blown, gap-toothed smile before she says. "Stay for coffee."

Nancy smiles back at her. "I think I can manage that."

"Then it looks like we have a deal."

* * *

TBC...


	40. Chapter 40

**Now that I've finishe re-editing the story I am hoping to have a new update out soon!**

* * *

Sara's POV

As I open my apartment door and my eyes land on Catherine. Arousal is already coursing through my body. A stab of liquid heat travels down the length of me and pools between my legs like molten lava at the sight of her. She is wearing a charcoal pencil skirt that hugs her curves perfectly and a revealing, silk, button up blouse accompanies it. The deep, rich purple of this fabric contrasts with her strawberry blonde hair causing the red in it to darken and her crystal blue eyes to sparkle at me. "Hey," my voice comes out thick with lust. Stepping aside I allow Catherine to brush past me into the apartment.

Turning she smiles at me and places a chaste kiss on my lips. "Hey hun. I missed you."

Even though we just saw each other at work only a few hours ago her comment makes me smile giddily. I close the door and follow Catherine into the living room. She spent the night torturing me with subtle touches, and flashes of skin and now, now I have Catherine all to myself.

That thought causes the grin on my face to widen evilly. However Catherine does not notice. Taking a seat on the couch next to Catherine I turn on the TV and hand her the remote. I shift so that I am facing Catherine, drooling over her side profile with one jean clad leg tucked beneath the other. Catherine continues to pretend she doesn't notice my gaze, which is fine with me. It gives me time do what I like to do best. Admire her beauty. My eyes wander to her clear blue ones. Those orbs shine brightly with a light that has been absent from them for far too long. My eyes caress her defined cheekbones and nose, and then fall upon plump, soft lips. My tongue snakes out and wets my own lips without my permission. She is breathtaking and I can never bring myself to wrap my mind around her aesthetic appearance.

I allow myself to roam her body further, running my eyes down her throat where I watch as Catherine silently gulps. The corners of my lips curl. I skim her collarbone before resting my eyes where they have been longing to fall. Freckles stand out against Catherine's tantalizing, milky skin. The curve of her breast is peaking from beneath the thin, purple fabric that hides it. Between my legs twitches and I have to struggle to keep my increasing longing under control.

Catherine clears her throat; my eyes snap up to meet her darkening ones. She smiles at me knowingly. Teasingly. "See something you like Sar?" She asks becoming the picture of innocence. Her voice is husky. I nod not being able to speak and lean in connecting our lips. My fingers find her jaw and caress it gently. Catherine's tongue runs over my lips and I instantly grant her access to my mouth. I proceed to trace the curve of Catherine's neck with a ghostly touch and she moans softly in my mouth. Another wave of heat floods to my center and a dull throb makes itself know between my legs. When lack of oxygen becomes a problem we pull away from each other. Catherine gazes at me through half lidded eyes. Our breath mingles as I rest my forehead on hers. When she catches her breath she says with a smirk, "You seemed distracted at work Sara. I hope everything is okay."

I glare at her. She knows exactly what was distracting me last night. Instead of responding I crash our lips together eliciting another moan from Catherine. This is my new favorite sound and I want to hear it more often. Catherine lightly presses on my shoulder until my back hits the back of couch and I unfold my legs. She straddles my thighs as I run my tongue along hers savoring the texture and taste of her warm mouth. Catherine ends the kiss and looks down at me with desire filled eyes. Her chest is heaving as she struggles to steady her breathing and her cheeks are tinted with pink. The sight causes me to whimper and something animalistic flashes through Catherine's eyes. It is unfamiliar but exciting.

Smiling softly up at her I cup her cheek in my hand. Catherine leans into my touch and I whisper, "I love you."

She beams radiantly back at me. "I love you too." She brings her lips to mine and she kisses me tenderly. Removing my hand from Catherine's face I run it down her back and then firmly squeeze her ass. She jumps in surprise and I chuckle lightly into the kiss. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me closer. I rest my hand on her thigh. Her skin is hot beneath my fingers. Slowly I make my way toward her skirt. Pushing it up Catherine lets out a throaty groan. Breaking the kiss she pulls back just far enough so she can watch me with amused eyes. "No foreplay today Sara?"

I smile back at her and stand up grabbing her thighs so she won't fall off my lap. Catherine lets out a squeal and grabs my shoulders to steady herself as she wraps strong legs around my waist. "Oh no Cath, don't worry there will be plenty of foreplay, just not here."

"Good," she smiles almost shyly at me. "I like foreplay." The blush creeping onto her cheeks is adorable.

I begin to make my way toward the bedroom. My lips find Catherine's neck and I place chaste kisses on her creamy skin. Her fingers tighten on my shoulders. Finding her pulse point I suck on it enjoying the small noises that are leaving Catherine. Continuing my path down her neck my teeth graze the exposed flesh, much more gently than last time, and my tongue darts out to provide relief afterward.

There are so many things I want to do with Catherine. I want to get under her skin, but take longer doing it now that we are not desperate to express to each other our regret for our actions. I want to give her non-stop pleasure and push her harder off the edge into bliss than anyone ever has before. I want to appreciate every inch of her body, and I have all day to do this.

"Oh God," Catherine mutters and throws her head back to give me even better access to her neck. I smile into her skin.

"I'm fine with being God." Her eyes lazily open and Catherine picks up her head so she can gaze at me. That gaze quickly turns into an amused glare.

"Well someone is a smartass."

"But you love me for it," I send her a shit eating grin.

"Of course I do, but I would love you even more if you returned to what you were doing before." I raise an eyebrow at her. "Please," she says quietly and stirs in my arms.

"Don't have to ask me twice," I reply as I kick the bedroom door open more.

Catherine tangles her fingers in my hair and yanks my head back to her neck. Tilting my head I lick the dip where her neck meets her shoulders and Catherine releases a deep moan, her head rolls back on it's own accord. My legs hit the mattress and I carefully set Catherine down before capturing her lips with mine and crawling on top of her. I use my arms to hold myself over Catherine's tiny frame. Her hands slide up around my back.

She starts to move up the bed and I follow her our lips never separating. Catherine's head finally lands on the pillow. She slips her hands beneath my shirt and warm fingers roam my stomach. Her touch is so light it almost tickles. Turning my head I deepen the kiss even further. My nipples are painfully straining against my bra. Catherine sits up and tugs on my shirt. I lift my arms and allow her to remove it. Looking at her, for the first time I notice I can see her hardened nipples through her shirt. I rush with ungraceful fingers to unbutton the article of clothing but my mind keeps wandering as Catherine's hands inch closer to the bottom of my bra leaving goose bumps in their wake and her lips attach to my neck. I let out a soft groan, which causes her to whimper.

Finally I manage to get Catherine's shirt off. I slide it down her arms the texture of the cloth against my hands feels good but her skin feels even better. I sporadically place chaste kisses over her chest and collarbone. Her skin is smooth and hot to the touch. Catherine pushes on my head attempting to guide me downward. Her breathing has become shallow.

I look up at Catherine before taking one black laced, encased nipple into my mouth. Moaning she arches into me. Lightly I drag my teeth over the hardened nub and flick it with my tongue. Catherine groans with frustration as I pull away. I turn my attention to her other breast. When Catherine again arches I take advantage of her actions and slip my hands beneath her unclasping her bra. Sitting up and re-straddling her thighs I observe as Catherine slides her bra straps over her shoulders. She gazes up into my eyes as she removes the garment. I smile at her before my eyes latch onto the porcelain skin that has been revealed. Pink nipples stand alert. Reaching down I run a finger over the underside of her breast. The skin there is cool and indescribably soft. Covering her breast with my hand I admire the strange weight and smile at the pleasure that crosses Catherine's face. The feeling of her nipple pressing against my hand and tightening even more causes another gush of liquid to appear between my legs.

Gently I reattach my mouth to Catherine's breast and lick, suck, and pinch until she is writhing beneath me.

Catherine's hands slide behind my back and unclip my bra. I allow it to fall but do not give her time to stare. Connecting our lips I push myself flush against her body. Skin against skin. Nipples against nipples. Quietly I groan into Catherine's mouth. She slips a thigh between mine and I almost come at the sudden friction. Catherine starts to rock herself against my leg and I pull my leg away not ready for this to end.

I slide my hands up her arms and down her sides. Her face is buried in the crook of my neck. As she releases a moan it vibrates against my skin. "Please," I hear Catherine whisper. Her breath is hot against my skin and her words roll across it causing a shiver to run down my spine. I nod and start to kiss a path down her body. In the moist valley between her breast down her taunt stomach and then I hover right above the fabric covering her.

"Up," I instruct. She lifts her hips and I unzip her skirt sliding it down her legs revealing a black lace thong. I can smell her. Her scent is intoxicating. I cup her sex and can feel the heat radiating from Catherine and the wetness that soaks the barrier between my hand and her. She squirms and grinds herself against my palm. The small amount of friction provides temporary relief to her overly sensitive area. "Please Sar. Please. I need you."

"You need me to what?" I manage to say through the fog of my overwhelmed mind. I think I might come by watching Catherine alone. She presses against my hand again and moans. I remove my hand from her not wanting her to get her release just yet. I pull her thong down her legs and her musty scent becomes stronger. The throbbing between my legs has become painful. My body screams for release but I ignore it. I want Catherine more. "What do you need me to do Catherine?"

"Touch me," she chokes out.

"Where? Show me where you need me." She cracks her eyes open looking at me with raw desire.

She glances down and mumbles, "Too many clothes." My mouth drops. Even this far gone she has control over what happens. Jumping off the bed I scramble out of my jeans and underwear almost falling flat on my face in the process. Getting back on the bed I rest a hand on Catherine's thigh. I catch her own hand sneaking dangerously close to her center.

I clear my throat. "Where?" Catherine opens her eyes and smiles at me before squeezing her eyes shut again. My eyes wander to the liquid trickling down Catherine's center. She is _so_ wet. I shift as the aching between my legs becomes more painful. I hover over Catherine and kiss her passionately. She bucks into my hips. "Do you want me?"

"Mmmm," she moans refusing to let go of that last ounce of control.

"Here?" I ask chastely kissing her jaw.

I smile as she groans in frustration. Her hand covers the one I left resting on her thigh. She slides my hand down her smooth skin and I return to my spot perched between her legs so I can watch as she guides my hand towards her center. When my fingers first brush against her clit Catherine whimpers loudly. "Mmm Sara." She guides my fingers along the length of her. Our fingers part her folds and she leaves my fingers placed just above her entrance. "Please," she begs once more. The desperation in her voice overrides all else and I slide two fingers into her curving them just inside of her entrance. Her hips shoot off the bed and her moan is on the verge of a scream. I thrust into her again as strong muscles pull my fingers deeper. Catherine rocks her hips meeting my thrusts.

I can tell she is already close. "Harder," She groans and I begin thrusting faster and deeper into Catherine. Her walls are beginning to clench around my fingers. I add a third finger and with a final thrust she comes hard, "Sara," she moans as her muscles spasm around my fingers. I continue to thrust until she has ridden out the last waves of pleasure.

Before I can pull out of her she traps my arm in her thigh. "Stay," she orders. Sitting up Catherine captures my lips in hers. I tangle my free hand in her hair. She pulls me back down onto the bed with her but refuses to release my arm from her captive grip.

I remember the emptiness I have felt after sex when my partner has left me. I know that with Catherine that emptiness would be ten times worse, and I have the suspicion this is what she is trying to avoid.

I move my fingers inside of her and Catherine jerks forward pressing further into me. I smile at her and she glares back at me. Opening her thighs she gives me silent permission to have my hand back. I suppress an eye roll and instead bring my fingers to my lips. My tongue darts out tasting Catherine for the first time and I know I have never tasted anything so amazing. Catherine watches me with wide eyes as I eagerly lick the juices from my fingers.

Catherine emits a growl from deep within her chest and if possible my libido flares even more reminding me of the now deadly ache between my legs. I shift; the insides of my thighs have been soaked by my own arousal. I look up at Catherine and the animalistic look is gleaming in her eyes again. She has moved in front of me and pushes me roughly onto my back. Her kisses are bruising and lust filled.

I'm not sure how much longer I will last or if Catherine will even have to touch me to make me come. My breathing is labored and I feel as if I will spontaneously combust at any moment. "Don't tease me." Catherine glances up at me and I can see something registering in her mind. She smiles evilly at me and nods. To my surprise she straddles my waist so that her back is facing me. Catherine bends over exposing her swollen center to me. Turning her head to the side she meets my eyes.

"Is this okay?" Her tone is seductive.

I nod vigorously not certain that I am capable of forming words. I observe as she buries her face between my legs. Her tongue darts against my clit, "Fuck Cat," I hiss. Her center is so temptingly presented to me so I grab Catherine's hips and pull her closer to me. I flatten my tongue and run it along the length of her causing Catherine to moan. The vibrations of this sound feel so good against my clit. I attempt to mimic Catherine's actions as she swirls and licks along my clit. I press my tongue into the bottom of her clit and receive a loud moan of approval from Catherine. I smile and do it again producing the same results "Cath. I need you inside of me."

Catherine sticks her tongue into me and I have to stop myself from bucking. I continue my ministrations the best that I can as Catherine curls and presses her tongue inside of me. "So...so close..." I mumble. I can tell that Catherine is as close as I am. I press my tongue against the bottom of her clit again and she tumbles over the edge. As she moans against me I can't hold back any longer and allow waves of pleasure to crash through me. Consuming me. Causing colors to burst behind my eyelids.

When the last of my pleasure courses through me I open my eyes. I struggle to catch my breath as I look at Catherine. She is shakily holding herself up over me.

I place a hand around her waist and the other on her arm and guide her back until she is laying directly on top of me.

We stay like this for a few moments before she gathers the strength to roll off of me. Catherine rests her head on my shoulder and looks up at me. I cup her cheek and lead her lips into mine. I kiss her tenderly yet the gesture is full of passion. When I allow my tongue to dart out I can taste myself on Catherine's lips, myself mixed with the flavor of Catherine, I groan and break away from the kiss. Catherine's tongue darts out and sweeps across her own lips and her eyes flutter shut for a moment.

She returns her head to my shoulder and almost instantly falls asleep. I pull the covers up over us and shut my own eyes.

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The alarm blares into the blanket of my dreams. Groaning I try to block it out. A sudden chill comes over me as the weight on top of me shifts and the alarm suddenly stops. Cracking open my eyes I catch a bleary eyed Catherine watching me with a small smile spread across her lips. Lifting a heavy arm I lightly run my fingers up and down her back. The smooth skin beneath my fingers feels like heaven and I long to stay in bed all night. I smile sleepily up at Catherine.

She returns to her place at my side. Nuzzling her face in my neck she pushes a leg between mine, and wraps a protective arm around my waist before sighing contently. Tightening my grip on her I take her hand in my and press it to my lips. Kissing each knuckle as my thumb caresses the skin on the back of her hand. Catherine shifts and her leg hits my sensitive center ripping a moan from my chest. She quietly chuckles and lifts herself so that one hand is on each side of me balancing herself and she has one of my thighs between her knees.

Reaching up I cup her check and run the pad of my thumb over her lower lip. I observe happily as her eyes flutter shut at my touch. When she reopens them they are fraught with love and happiness. The emotions take me aback. It has been so long since I have seen Catherine this genuinely happy. There are always the little things that take some of the joy out of her eyes and dull those crystal pools, but at this moment her eyes are shockingly blue. Vibrant and alive. "You're so beautiful."

She flashes me a disbelieving smile and rolls her eyes. She is though, with her tousled hair, bright eyes, dazzling smile, and creamy white skin. It's like nothing can touch her. I trace circles on her stomach, which causes her to shiver. "You are Cat."

She sits up and her wet center presses against my leg. "Yeah right. I'm an old woman Sar. I'm turning fif....fif..."

"Fifty?" She smacks my arm.

"Way to be sensitive, but yes if you must know that is how old I will be this year."

"Are you sure? 'Cause you don't look remotely close to fifty. Maybe you've added a few years in that senile mind you claim to have." She glares at me.

"Yes I am sure, and I do look my age. I don't know how you can look at me plus I'm getting wrinkles. You could have someone younger you know." Frowning I sit up and examine her face. Maybe there are a few creases, but not many. They are signs of a stressful life. There are all of two creases I have decided, not even wrinkles yet.

"Hate to break it to you but I don't see any wrinkles Cath," I state gently. "I see a beautiful woman," I redirect my gaze to her eyes. "A beautiful woman who I am deeply in love with. I would never ask for more, and could never want more." She raises an eyebrow still not convinced. "You have given me a family Catherine. I've never had a real family before..."

"You are almost ten years younger than me Sara. Why would you..."

"Because you give me mind blowing sex," I say with the straightest face possible.

Catherine smiles, "Well...I could have told you that," I can tell she is pleased. Stroking her ego always seems to cheer her up.

"Honestly Catherine, I have never been happier than when I am with you and Lindsay and Jay, and I have never been so head over heels for anyone in my life. So don't worry because I'm not going anywhere...It would kill me to leave you," I add quietly.

Something in her eyes shifts and that bright spark of light suddenly returns. "Thanks," She says quietly and leans in brushing her lips against mine, "I love you Sara." I wrap my arms around her and pull her close resting my head on her chest.

"I love you too Catherine. Don't forget that. Even if you insist that you are becoming an old woman; you are my old woman."

A chuckle reverberates from her chest. She wraps her arms around my head and neck holding me in place. Her fingernails lightly scrape my scalp as she runs her fingers through my hair. Catherine presses her lips to the top of my head. "Your amazing," Catherine whispers. I respond by tightening my embrace even further.

Catherine's cell phone begins to vibrate on the bedside table. I keep my arms firmly wrapped around her waist as she leans over and grabs the phone. She glances at the phone before opening it, "Hey Linzz what's up sweetie?" I place a small kiss in the valley between her breasts and Catherine's free hand returns to stroking my hair. "Are you alright? You sound upset... Again? I'm sorry hun...is there anything I can do?...Yeah of course you can...Okay... I'll be at work but call me," I squeeze Catherine's hip, "Or Sara if you need anything...Can you at least tell her to do the same?...Alright...Yeah I can tell her...I love you...bye." Catherine sighs hanging up the phone.

"What's going on?"

"Lindsay and Jay are fighting again. Lindsay called to see if it's alright if she went over to Nancy's."

"They've been arguing a lot lately."

"I know. I'm starting to wonder if it has to do with the way Jay has been acting lately."

"Have you asked why they are fighting?"

"No."

"They'll work it out. I know them."

"I hope so, because I've never seen Lindsay so in love with someone. You can tell Jay feels the same way."

"Maybe that's the problem."

Catherine gazes at me. "What do you mean?"

I shrug, "I'm not sure I can explain it. Just something I've experienced before."

"With me?"

"What? No, no Cat with someone else. We weren't strong enough to deal with it so our relationship ended. At the time I thought that they were the one. I was so in love with them, but now that I'm with you I realize I didn't have the slightest idea what love is." Catherine sends me a radiant smile. I kiss her chastely.

"We need to get out of bed," she glances at the clock. "We'll be cutting it close." I look at the clock.

"What are you talking about we have almost an hour?" She raises a suggestive eyebrow at me and I gulp. The fire in the pit of my stomach instantly relights itself. I slide a hand around her hips and run it up her abdomen enjoying the feeling of the toned muscles beneath my fingers. The muscles in Catherine's neck flex as I run my fingers over them. I watch the path my hand takes, entranced as my fingers leave goose bumps in their wake. Stroking her jaw I trail may fingers back down the same path. I slip my hand between her legs and graze my fingers over her already swollen clit and between her lips. Her moisture is beginning to gather. I slide a finger into her and she presses down against my hand moaning. I bite my bottom lip at the expression on her face. Catherine opens her eyes and overwhelms me with her lust.

"I have to call Jay quickly. I'll meet you in the bathroom." I nod, reluctant to take my finger out of her.

I watch as she dials the number and puts her phone to her ear. I curl my finger inside of Catherine and she gasps. "I'll be waiting," I inform her huskily, and nudge her off of my lap before getting up. I can feel Catherine's eyes on my backside so I make sure to add extra swing to my hips as I disappear into the bathroom.

I turn on the water and wait for it to warm up. I am caught by surprise as Catherine's arms slide around my waist and she presses herself into my back. "That was quick."

"I left a message."

"Oh," I reply as my brain begins to loose clarity at the sensation of Catherine's firm breasts pressed against my back. "Is this alright for you?"

She sticks her hand beneath the water. "Yeah."

As soon as she is in the shower I press Catherine against the wall, my mouth attaching firmly to hers. I roam her body with my hands, wanting to touch her everywhere at once. She moans into my mouth and caresses my tongue with hers. Remembering exactly how talented that tongue is heat shoots through me creating more liquid between my thighs.

Ripping my lips from Catherine's I roughly kiss down her neck. Catherine tangles her hands in my wet hair and throws her head back. As I take a nipple in my mouth; it instantly pebbles against my touch causing me to groan. Catherine grinds her hips against mine and I can tell she is becoming impatient. I rock my hips back into hers and the sexiest whimper escapes her lips. Reaching back I grab the showerhead and turn the water temperature down slightly.

Parting Catherine's thighs with my own I place the showerhead between her legs. Her lips part in a silent scream of pleasure as the water hits her sensitive center. "Oh Sara...oh...uh...mmm," She is rocking her hips as I move the showerhead in circles and back and forth. Catherine grips my shoulders tightly. "Oh god...mmmmm baby....right there....oh god....uh...mmm...yes...right...right there...yes...yes...mmm Sara," As Catherine rocks her hips she begins to lose rhythm. Her chest and cheeks are flushed her breasts move up and down as her chest heaves in an struggle to get air. I can feel my own wetness trickling down my thighs. "Mmmm....uhh...Sara...right...yeah...don't...don' stop...Jesus Christ...fuck yes...right there...yeah...so...mmmm...so close...so clo...oh fuck...SARA!" I watch her expression change to one of pure ecstasy and I find my own orgasm trembling through my body. As I shake with pleasure I rest my head on Catherine's shoulder and groan.

Catherine wraps her arms around me and her legs buckle beneath her. Holding her up with one arm I put the showerhead back. Gently I kiss down Catherine's neck and then place a loving kiss on her lips. I keep one arm around Catherine and I trail kisses down her body. I stop when my head in level with her sex. I look up at her glistening center. Lifting her leg I place it over my shoulder.

Tilting my head I allow my breath to meet the heat radiating off of Catherine. "Sar I'm..." I cut her off by placing a kiss to her hardened nub causing her to jerk forward. "Yes," she hisses.

I smile and lightly trace her clit with my tongue not wanting to apply too much pressure to her already extremely sensitive skin. Her center is like velvet under my tongue. I swirl my tongue around her clit a few times before sliding it inside of her. Her center is on fire as I thrust into her with my tongue. Curling and pressing it in a unique pattern. "Oh Sara...oh yeah." I pull out of her. "Don't stop." I gaze up at her. She is so close to oragasming. She opens her eyes and looks down questioningly at me.

Taking a deep breath I say, "Do you know what I want?"

"What?" She asks shakily.

"I want...I want you to come in my mouth," I say before I can loose courage.

Catherine bites her lower lip suppressing a moan and nods sharply. "God, you know you are so sexy when you say things like that," Catherine informs me breathlessly. I smile in relief. "Now please, I'm so close, please fuck me."

I whimper and then thrust my tongue back into her. After a few more thrusts Catherine starts to clench around my tongue and she calls out in pleasure. Her warm juices flow into my mouth and onto my face. When the last waves of pleasure have left Catherine I make sure that I have licked every last drop of her juices up. This sends her into bliss once more with her third orgasm. I continue lap up her juices, in heaven with her taste. As I stand still holding her up because her legs are now useless I lick my cheeks the best I can. Catherine reaches out and wipes some of her liquid off of my face where I could not reach. My eyes go wide as she places her fingers in her mouth and licks it off her fingers moaning.

Carefully I lower her to the shower floor. "How do you want it?" She asks me. I gulp.

Once I am on my knees I take her fingers and place them in my wetness. "I want to ride your fingers." I tell her. Her eyes darken and she shifts beneath me.

"Okay." She runs her thumb along my clit before plunging three fingers inside of me. I am too turned on to feel the burn.

"Another one." She nods and pulls out before slipping a fourth finger inside of me.

I begin to rock against her hand. Circling my hips and moaning when her fingers apply pressure to the right spot. Grinding against her I pump myself up and down on her fingers. She begins to meet my thrusts and I move faster. So close. Catherine hooks her fingers inside of me right on my g-spot and I let go coming hard against her hand.

When I come down from my high I collapse on top of Catherine. I kiss her lips sloppily. "I love you," I manage to say between heavy breaths.

"I love you too," she replies sliding her arms around me. "But I think we're late for work." I can't help but laugh.

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Sighing I glance up from my magazine. It is a slow night, which I guess is a good thing, so we are all relaxing in the break room. Except for Catherine. It's her night off. For the first time in forever I long to have the night off so I can spend it with Catherine and the girls. The closest thing I've had to a night off was last week when Catherine and I were late to work because...errrm I can't think about those things at work I can already feel the faint blush creeping into my cheeks.

I jump when my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket startling me. I smile when I see the name. Catherine. "Hey. Shouldn't you be sleeping it's your night off?" The guys glance at me and mouth to say that they say hi. "The guys say hi and are jealous because you have the night off." Catherine chuckles on the other end of the line.

"Slow night?"

"You could say that. How's your night off going?"

"It's been alright. I've been thinking about you."

I gulp. "Yeah?" I have a bad feeling about this phone call.

"Mmm-hmm. About how your tongue feels against my clit when you..."

I jump up, "I'm going to take this call in the other room...I'll be in Cath's office if you need me guys." They mumble their 'Okays.' I can hear Catherine laughing. "You're horrible," I say quietly.

"I can't help it baby I'm just so turned on."

"Cath..."

"I'm laying on the bed naked imagining it is you kneading at my tits." I whimper and close the door to Catherine's office. "Do you want to touch me Sara? Do you want to fuck me senseless?" I know this is too risky to do at work so instead I try to calm myself down.

"Catherine..."

"Oh God, Sara." My breath catches in my throat.

"Umm what are you…?"

"Mmmm baby please don't tease me I'm already so wet." My mouth goes dry and my panties are rapidly becoming soaked. Catherine let's out a whimper.

"I've been thinking Sara. Fantasizing. About the things I want you to do to me."

Despite myself I ask, "Like what?"

"You. With a strap on. Taking me from behind. Thrusting into me roughly...mmmm...oh fuck..."

"Are you?"

"Yes," Her voice is husky.

"Jesus Cath..."

"I want to feel you pressed into me. Nipples straining into my back. Oh...yes...mmm yes...I'm so close Sara...my hand is soaked in my juices...you really like...mmm...really like the way I taste don't you?"

"Yes." I shift squeezing my thighs together tightly.

"I want to hear your sexy groan Sara. I like it when you groan. You're quiet but I love the noises you make. I love to hear your heavy breathing, your small whimpers, I like the way I can make you...OH...yes...right there...do...do you like this Sara? Do you like hearing me...mmmm...oh fuck..."

"Y...yes." She is panting. I long to slip my hands into my pants. To provide relief.

"Do you want me to...oh...ohh...uhhh...mmm...Sara...do you want me to come for you?"

"Yes."

'Will you...oh God I'm so....mmm...I'm so close...come with me..."

I glance at the door. It's locked. "Yeah."

"Tell....fuck....fuck...I can't....not much longer... tell me what you're doing..."

"I...I'm unbuttoning my pants and sliding my hand in."

"Are...are you wet? Yes... oh...mmmmm...mmmm Sara."

"I'm soaking wet. Wet for you Cat....I'm running my fingers along my clit. God I'm swollen..."

"Yes....Sara...oh God...not much...are you..."

"I'm already close...listening to you. Moaning...whimpering. I just slid two fingers into myself."

"Does it feel good? I...I can't hold on much....mmmm..."

"I'm thrusting. God Cath I'm so ready..." My breathing is shallow. I can feel myself close. Beginning to clench. "Come for me Cath," I say roughly.

"Oh God... yes....SARA!"

The sound of her letting go pushes me off the edge and I quietly moan, "Catherine," As I am taken over by indescribable pleasure.

"Thanks Sara," Catherine says sleepily.

"Mmmm," I reply.

There is a knock on the door. "Sara we've got a case," Greg says.

"Okay...I've got to go Cath."

"Alright. Love you."

"I love you too. You know you are going to pay for this when you get home."

"Can't wait," Catherine says cheerfully and hangs up the phone.

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TBC...


	41. Chapter 41 New!

_Well it certainly has been a while. I apologize for that. RL seems to enjoy getting in the way, and to add to it my computer finally kicked the bucket so I had to wait to get a new one before updating could be done._

_I do hope you can forgive me._

_As you have probably seen I've been doing some editing for this story. It was nothing major; a few changes here and there_.

_Enjoy the chapter!_

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**Catherine's POV**

Sighing I listen to my heels click against the floor as I make my way to the locker room. Despite talking to Sara several times tonight I still could not sleep. I have gotten used to Sara's presence in my bed and now every night I spend without her it is a struggle to get even an hour worth of sleep. It has been two and a half weeks since the last time I slept in bed without Sara. I know this only because it was my last day off when Sara came over, and hasn't felt the need to go back to her apartment since.

I had tonight off because Lindsay is sick. Too sick for me to leave her with only Jay. As I round the corner I can hear voices in the locker room. As I step into the room I realize the whole team minus Grissom, as usual, is getting ready to go home.

Sara's eyes are the first to land on me; however Warrick is the first to speak. "Hey Cath. What are you doing here? I thought you got an unexpected night off. How is Lindsay doing?"

"It is," I reply as I open my locker and begin to dig through its contents. "She is doing a little better. Her fever finally went down to an even one hundred so she was sleeping when I left her. I wanted to be there when she wakes up in case she needs something. Jay knows my number if something happens while I'm out."

"That certainly explains why you are here so early in the morning." My tired smile is hidden by the fact I am still shifting around the clothes in my lockers. I make a mental note to clean it one day soon. "We were trying to talk Sara into going to breakfast with us, but I guess Lindsay being sick leaves you out as well."

"Yeah sorry. I've got to get home as soon as I can. Oh, hey Sar, can you stop at the store and pick up some popsicles for Lindsay before you come home? She can't eat anything; her throat is too raw and she can't keep anything down."

"Sure," Sara says before she replies to Greg's comment.

"Speaking of home," Warrick says slyly. "When are the two lovebirds officially moving in together?"

I shrug from inside of my locker. "Hey Sara do you want to move in with me?"

"Whatever you want babe," Comes her distracted reply as she continues her conversation with Greg.

"Now." I inform Warrick as I finally find the shirt I was searching for.

"Well congrads."

"Thanks. Say Warrick, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Catherine. Anything for you girl."

I send him a brilliant, slightly evil smile. "Stay sober at breakfast this morning." He opens his mouth to protest and I add sweetly, "For me."

He doesn't meet my eye when he promises he will, and I have a feeling I will be seeing him at my front door in a few hours time.

The locker room begins to empty until it is only Sara and I left. I take a seat on the bench and wait for Sara so that we can walk out together. I hear her locker open and then close a few minutes later. Sara's footsteps sound behind me before her hands are on my shoulders. She begins to rub the tension out of them.

"You look tired babe," she states in a quiet, loving tone.

"Well I found out when I tried to get a few hours of sleep tonight that I can no longer sleep without you by my side." Sara lightly chuckles, and I rest my head against her lower stomach so that I can gaze up at her as she towers over me. She is beaming smugly and I know she will never admit it, but she is very happy about this piece of information.

Sara sits straddling the bench and I do the same causing our knees touch. "Do…do you really want me to move in with you Cat?" I can see her insecurities.

I send Sara a reassuring smile. "I might have asked casually, but I meant it with all of my heart Sara. I want you to move in with us if you want to. I can make a tear jerking speech for you if that will make you feel better about this."

Sara rolls her eyes at me. "No. I like the question just the way you asked me. I wasn't certain if you were serious, or asking to amuse Warrick."

"I would never joke about something like this Sara." I inform her instantly. "That would be a horrible thing to do to you." I gaze at her expectantly. She has her formal question and I want my formal answer.

"Um, what?" Sara appears confused by my expression.

"I'm waiting for your answer to my question." I say with mock exasperation before smiling.

"Yes… I'd love to move in with you Catherine." Sara beams at me revealing the gap between her teeth. Leaning forward I capture her lips with mine. Our kiss is slow and loving. There is no rush to go further. An expression of love.

My cell phone starts to vibrate on my hip. I pick it up. "Hello."

"Lindsay is throwing up again."

"I'll be right there." I hang up the phone and meet Sara's concerned expression.

"Lindsay is up, and throwing up again." I stand up and Sara follows me.

"I'll stop at the store and get her popsicles. Do you want anything?" I shake my head no. Sara and I separate as we go to our individual cars.

"Hey Cath?"

"Hmm?" I reply distractedly.

"I'll stay home with Lindsay tomorrow if she is still too sick. I should probably pitch in seeing as she is my daughter too." Glancing up at Sara once again a grin appears on my face.

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Entering the house I rush into the bathroom and find Lindsay leaning over the toilet once more. Looking around there is no sign of Jay. Pulling Lindsay's hair away from her face I rub her back. "Hey sweetie," I say soothingly.

When Lindsay is finished she turns her head look at me. She is so pale, and so tired. I can't imagine what she has left in her stomach to come up. "Oh babe," I sigh. "Sara is stopping at the store to get popsicles so you can try to eat something."

She nods weakly, "Did you ask her?" Lindsay's voice is rough and quiet. I can't help but smile at her curiosity even when she is sick.

"I did," my smile threatens to break my face. "She said yes." Lindsay smiles back weakly.

"It's about time Sara moved in here for good."

"Where's Jay?" I listen and cannot hear her in the house. Lindsay shrugs.

"I told her to get out of here. She has a weak stomach. I don't know where she went."

"Okay." Brushing back Lindsay's hair I kiss her softly on the forehead. The skin beneath my lips is on fire. "Come on baby, let's get you out of here and I'll get you some Advil." Lindsay nods. Shakily she stands, her colorless cheeks paling even further. Carefully I drape her arm over my shoulder guiding her out of the room.

The front door opens and shuts and Sara comes around the corner before disappearing into the kitchen. The freezer opens and closes and then she peers down at the hallway at us. Rushing over she places herself under Lindsay's other arm. "I've got her Cat."

Sara bends and lifts Lindsay's legs with her arm effectively holding her like a baby. "Bring her out onto the couch please. I'm going to go get her blankets and stuff." Sara nods and we separate going in opposite directions. I grab Lindsay's pillow and blanket before peeking my head into Jay's empty room. I notice the window is wide open. "Shit," I mumble. Stopping in the kitchen I find Sara rinsing out the bucket Lindsay has been using.

She glances at me. "Lindsay will be okay Cat," I nod vigorously. "That's not what is wrong is it?" I shake my head no. "Okay. Go get Lindsay settled and then we can talk." I nod again before getting Lindsay a glass of water and grabbing the Advil.

Entering the living room I cover Lindsay and place her pillow behind her head. As I do this my daughter regards me silently. "Jay isn't here is she?" I gaze into my daughter's blood shot eyes and shake my head.

"No she's not baby," I hand Lindsay two Advil and hold the glass to her lips as she sips water, not wanting to freeze her overheated hands. "But don't worry. I'll take care of it."

"We haven't been getting along lately," Lindsay says in a scratchy voice. I gaze at her as I sit on the coffee table. I take the hand that is resting outside of the blanket. I place our linked fingers on Lindsay's chest.

"I could tell sweetie, but I wasn't sure…I didn't know if you would want to talk about it or if Jay…"

"I love her…I really love her, but I…I don't know…" I can see the tears welling in Lindsay's stormy blue eyes; breaking my heart. Footsteps sound behind us and I turn locking eyes with Sara. Her chocolate orbs flicker to Lindsay's. Worry pouring over her features.

Lindsay smiles weakly at Sara causing Sara to cross the room and lightly kiss Lindsay on the head. She whispers in my ear, "I'll wait in our room."

I smile softly at Sara, "Call Jay. Try to find out where she is. You can play the nice parent if you want." I hear Lindsay snort in amusement in front of me.

Sara rolls her eyes at me and leaves. I watch her pull out her cell phone as she rounds the corner. I turn back to Lindsay and watch her with sad eyes. "Could I have some…some more water?" Her voice is rough and strained. I hold the glass to her lips and she sips. "Thank you. Ever since everything happened with Jay's brother she has been different…we all know it. I have a feeling she is not telling the whole truth of what happened. I think…I think Sara might have been the only person to get the truth out of her. Jay has been doing things…she has been hanging out with people at school, who I don't approve of. And she has been doing things…" A tear rolls down Lindsay's cheek, followed by another and another. "She has just been doing things…" Lindsay shakes her head and I observe as she protective folds her arms beneath the blanket.

There is a knock on the door. "I've got it," Sara calls. As she passes the room hear, "There was no answer when I called Jay."

"What kind of things Linzz?" Lindsay shakes her head again and hugs herself tighter. "Okay. Okay you don't have to tell me baby." I pass her the remote. "Try to get some rest."

I can't believe this. After everything. I can't believe I missed Jay's pain. I can't believe that, that sweet girl that I first met could drive Lindsay so far into devastation. After all Lindsay has done for her. After how much Lindsay has loved her. I have never seen Lindsay in so much emotional pain, and on top of that there is the physical. I can't help but believe that the emotional pain weakened her. Allowing the illness to take over her, and push her into physical misery. Yet no misery can overcome that of the pain I see in her eyes. The betrayal and confusion.

How can something such as love be so wonderful, but then be so torturous? How can what draws us together push us so far apart from each other?

Walking to the front door I discover it is closed, and I can hear slightly raised voices on the other side. Opening it I step outside joining Nick and Sara. "No Nick I'm sorry, but Lindsay is sick and Catherine doesn't need any more drama. Warrick will just have to stay somewhere else."

I glance at Nick's truck and see Warrick passed out in the passenger's seat. "Cath," Nick appears relieved by my entrance. I approach them, stopping by Sara's side. My arm automatically snakes around her waist.

"Hey Nicky. What's going on out here?" I gaze up at Sara for an explanation.

"Sara says Warrick can't stay here," Nick interjects like a little boy tattling on his sibling.

"Well it is her house too Nick…If Sara doesn't want him here…" I reply my eyes never leaving Sara. The thoughts flashing through her orbs catch me off guard. I focus my gaze on Nick. "This can't continue. We have to do something for Warrick."

"Yeah, but what?" Nick's expression is expectant as if I will have all of the answers.

"I don't know. Let me think about it," As I say this an idea is already forming in my mind. However it requires me to do things I would rather not at the moment. I run my hand down the length of my face. "Nick why don't you go try and wake Warrick up while I talk to Sara." Nick nods and follows my instructions. I push Sara around me in half-circle, my arm never leaving her waist, so that our backs are to Nick and Warrick. "Is it all right with you if Warrick sleeps this off here? Just for today."

She shrugs, "I don't want you dealing with anymore than you have to, but if you say it is okay then I guess it is fine with me."

I nod; my stress is building with each second that is going by. "I think I have a plan, but I'm not sure yet, concerning Warrick that is. Right now we have to deal with Jay. I think she is in over her head whether she realizes it or not. She is spending time with people, and doing things Lindsay does not approve of, but Lindsay won't say what that is," I inform Sara in a whisper. "I think she might be che… Whatever she is doing is tearing Lindsay apart. Linzz is a wreck. You know how it is, what love can do."

"Yeah I do." Sara's hand runs along my upper back before curling her fingers around my shoulder. She pulls me closer to her.

"I need to see if Lindsay knows where Jay is. If she is not back within the next two hours I am going to get her. Could you call Jay's dad? Maybe he will know what to do."

"We could wait until we know the seriousness of the situation before we call him. Cat, I don't want you having to do this alone. Let me help."

I gaze up at Sara with a small smile. "You are helping me. I need you to stay with Lindsay incase she needs anything. I'll let you know about helping Warrick. I need more time to mull things over."

"Okay," I can tell Sara isn't satisfied. Standing on my tiptoes I capture her lips with mine. My hand wandering to her face. Her tongue darts out caressing my lips before I open my mouth.

We are interrupted by Nick clearing his throat. We turn in unison. Nick takes a step back when confronted by mildly pissed off glares. He is supporting a semi-conscious Warrick.

"Hey Cath," Warrick says with unnatural cheerfulness.

"Hey Rick. Let's get you inside." Nick follows me as I lead him and Warrick into mine and Sara's bedroom. Nick helps Warrick into bed before we both leave, closing the door behind us. "If this happens tomorrow Nick, Warrick will need somewhere else to stay."

"Okay," he replies quietly. "You're changing Catherine," Nick informs me as we walk back to the front door. As he walks into the fresh morning air he throws over his shoulder, "And I'm not certain if I like the new you."

Sighing I close the door and turn to find Sara standing behind me. "You like the 'new me' right?" Sara smiles and pulls me into her strong arms.

"There's no new you. Nick is only mad because you are not going to let them push you around anymore."

"They need me Sar. I feel like I am refusing to help them; like I am going back on my word."

"You're not. They will see that eventually." Sara runs her fingers through my hair, her nails lightly scratching my scalp. "You should talk to Lindsay before she falls asleep."

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I pull up to the rundown park. Ivory is growing up the bars of the broken gate. Trees loom overhead forbiddingly. Turning off the car I get out. This place holds a level of familiarity, but I can't place it in my mind.

Stepping up to the padlocked gate I move over to where the plants climb the metal hoping that I can still manage this, and mentally kicking myself for not taking up Sara's offer for her to come with me. Curling my fingers in the ivory I drag myself up and over the gate landing securely on my feet.

I run my hand over my front wiping away the debris of the plant. I can hear laughing and shouting just out of my view. Quietly I approach what I can now decipher as a gaggle of teenagers. Off in one corner I spot the girl I am searching for. Joint in one hand, and lips locked with a blonde girl that is not my daughter.

Taking out my phone I dial Jay's number and wait. I observe as she takes out her phone and rolls her eyes. She opens her phone and takes a puff of her joint before answering, "Yes Catherine?"

I can feel my rage pumping through me. I don't care what Jay has been through as far as I am concerned it is no longer an excuse. "Little early to be getting high don't you think Jay? If I were you I would get your ass out of this park if you want to consider having even an ounce of freedom."

Her eyes dart around as my voice sounds not only on her phone, but echoes through the enclosed area. Her eyes meet mine and she pales as my lips purse and my anger begins to show. She hands the girl hanging off her side her joint and slowly makes her way over to me. Head hung, fingers tapping against her thigh.

A few kids are dumb enough to call out "See ya later Jay." Firmly I place my hand on her back and lead her out of the abandoned park.

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We enter the house. I can hear the TV playing in the living room. "If you don't want Lindsay to hear what you have been up to from me I would tell her yourself. _Now_. And pray to God that she has the heart to forgive you." Jay nods. She has not said a word to me since she answered her phone.

I follow behind Jay. As she enters the room Sara stands watching her with prying eyes as she crosses the room. Silently we watch as Jay kneels next to Lindsay. She takes her sleeping girlfriend's hand in her own. A smile curls at Lindsay's lips and she holds the blanket up. Jay crawls under the covers and gently lays on top of Lindsay. Lindsay's arms snake around Jay and Lindsay sighs as tears begin to roll down Jay's cheeks.

Jay looks up through her tears and focuses her eyes on mine. She mouths, "I'm sorry." I can feel my resolve beginning to break; however I shake my head informing her it is going to take more than words to fix what she has ruined.

Sara takes my hand and pulls me through the room onto the back patio. She sits on the wooden steps and pulls me onto her lap. Her forehead rests on my right arm as my left hand reaches up allowing my fingers to run through her hair. "I found her," I start quietly. "Where Lindsay said she would be. Imagine my surprise to see the girl I had deemed my daughter with an overly skinny blonde wrapped around her. Lips fused and a joint in her hand…Lindsay knew…she knew that Jay was cheating on her, but she never tried to confront Jay about it…"

"That we know of," Sara replies softly. "She loves Jay. Maybe that is enough for her to temporarily overlook what was happening."

"Sara they are only teenagers. This will end. At some point it will end. And then what?"

"You don't know that Cath. And if it does we'll deal with it then." I gaze down at Sara my sad smile mirroring her own.

"What are we going to do about Jay?"

Sara shrugs, "I guess we should call her father and see what he thinks. It's just pot. It's a drug yes, but she could have been doing worse. "

"I have a feeling she has been doing more than that. You didn't see Lindsay's reaction."

"Well the only way we will know is if we ask."

I shake my head no. "I've been there. If it is about the drugs there will be denial. It is all about the next fix. You won't say something that will risk your chances of getting your next fix. If it is about getting high and partying the two will be connected in the mind. Why risk either? Sara do you think…do you think we suggest that Jay goes home?"

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TBC...


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